Family Guy

Episode 1: Gay Brian…or is he bisexual… he could be just BI- curious… his holiday clothes are a little gay… well that is Lois's fault… hmm… well enjoy!

"FAMILY GUY THEME MUSIC"

[Peter walks in][Everyone is watching TV… except for Meg… she doesn't deserve it]

Peter: Great news everybody!

Lois: Uh… is this about that new bacon flavored bubble gum? [Stewie looks up in boredom]

Stewie: Ugh… I can already imagine... [Imagination bubble pops-up with a picture of a cheese burger with gum stuffed in it]Yuk?! [Twitches a little]

Peter thinks fast… [Paused]

Random anime narrator 1- hi my name is Victor! I will pop up every so often pointing out the obvious things to make thinks funnier…

Narrators 2-(Holliday) oh please funny? I'm the one that has to write your lines!? Give me some GOD-DAMN CREDIT?!

Victor- shut-up you are not part of this!!!

Holliday- okay…fine then you write your own lines…

Victor- NOOOO!!!

Holliday- okay then be quiet! Wait the show!

Victor- oh yeah! Sorry lovers of not being educated with retardedly random shows…-Holliday: wait… I didn't write that… who the HELL writes this crap! I hope his children grow up to have large ears…

[UN-paused]

Peter: No! Wait… they have that? Never mind that! [Peter moves out of the way putting his hand out to point him out.] Introducing a new part of the Griffin family…Jacob Green!

[He wears a black jacket, a Slipknot beanie ripped for his ears to poke out, a red collar, a yellow Guns n' Roses t-shirt, baggy blue jeans, and skateboard shoes. He has long caramel brown hair (Hair not fur. hair!?) he had the eyes of an innocent child. His fur (FUR NOT HAIR) was a soft sleek brown color that you just want to go to fall asleep in. His body was in shape. His face was absolutely perfect (you know… for a dog) he literally has the power to get anybody he wants… (Yes… and I do mean ANYBODY!!!!)]… Anyway...

Brian: Huh? [Brian gets up fast and walks toward Peter] What the hell Peter?! We agreed we wouldn't get another dog! Not after what happened last time… [Stewie looks around suspiciously]

Peter: Jacob! Puppy eye's… [Brian relaxes a little]

Brian: Peter… I'm a freaking dog that's not… [Jacob does the saddest puppy eyes you could ever imagine. Jacob lower lip begins to quiver and does a low cute whimpering sound]

Jacob: Mrr…Mrr… SniffSniff

Brian: SniffSniff [Tears a little] [Brian puts his hand in Jacobs face, covering his own] Okay! Okay! You win! He can stay in my room… just, just stop!? [Jacobs face reverts back to normal]

Jacob: Sweet!

[Pause]

Holliday- I just want to point out one thing…

Victor- WHAT?!

Holliday- Jacobs hot…

Victor- that's it…

Holliday- yep…now back to the show!

[UN pause]

[In the kitchen Lois was cooking]Ding

Lois: DINNER! [Brian snaps out of it]

Brian: What the hell was I thinking! [He points at Jacob] you're going to try and steal my family you son of… [Jacob sticks his hand out in front of Brian's face]

Jacob: Dude! Chill… [Jacob sits on the couch] Why don't you go eat?

Brian: Umm… not hungry.

Jacob: Then come in here and chill with me.

Brian: … Umm… okay? Sure.

Jacob: So… uh… how old are you? [Crosses his legs like a strait guy]

Brian: eight… well forty-eight in dog years.

Jacob: I'm seven… forty-two in dog years. So remotely the same. [Brian pulls out a box of cigarettes and lights up one]

Brian: You know what? Your pretty cool, you know…WAIT… you smoke? [Putting the box in front of Jacob]

Jacob: … uh… no…

Brian: okay… [Putting the box of cigarettes away] So… what exactly do you like to do?" [Jacob perks his head in the air]

Jacob: Oh! I draw, play guitar, skateboard, and write… pretty much average teenage stuff… well the only thing different is that my IQ is higher than most. How high is your IQ?

Brian: Huh? Oh…132. (Confidently)[Jacob looks over in a shameful way.]

Jacob: PFFT that's it? I expected much more… mine is 193. [Brian cocks his head over fast.] – Hehehehehe cocks…

Brian: What the hell? 193! That's almost 200?![Jacob looks over]

Jacob: No shit, captain obvious…

[LATER THAT DAY]

[Stewie is on the floor planning to kill Lois… as usual]

Stewie: come on… [Jacob looks over]

Jacob: huh… [Stewie squints his eyes]

Stewie: Now… how would I kill Lois? Hmm… yes… I shall use this?! HA!

Jacob: … [Jacob walks toward Stewie and places his hand on his head kneeling down] okay. I have no idea why you would want to kill someone as great as Lois… but heres what I would do… I would cut her up into many pieces while she's asleep. Then emplace her in a bag and stuff her in my old math teacher's filing cabinet… man … I loved that thing… I could fit up too four dead people on one shelf! Ah… I wish I had one… [He relaxes a little]

Stewie: … Are you psychotic? [Jacob looks over]

Jacob: … no… I just happen to know various ways of killing people… Bubye-now! [He leaves]

Stewie: I swear to god he's psychotic?! God-damn…he's worse than Steven King writing a book while on drugs… [NO GIMMICK HAPPENS] Hello? Damn you accursed writer?!!

Jacob: that doesn't deserve a Random Gimmick!!!

Stewie: SHUT- UP JACOB!!! YOUR NOT PART OF THIS!?

[OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM] –Peter: Hehehehehe… faggot part…

Thinking-"Brian": Hmm… Jacob left the door open. Guess I should close it… [Jacob is flexing in the mirror] [Brian stares]

Jacob: MAN! I AM SO HOT! [Brian continues to stare]

"Brian": WHOA! He's hot! Damn… I would take him any day!? WHAT THE HELL!? AM I THINKING ABOUT A DUDE! What the hell is wrong with me? First I didn't like him…and now this… [Stewie walks up to Brian]

Stewie: What the HELL are you doing? [Brian jumps back and yelps a little]

Brian: WHAT!! N-N-NOTHING!? [Stewie smiles and points at Brian]

Stewie: oh my god! Don't tell me Brian?! … Your bisexual!?

Brian: Shut-up…

Stewie: Oh! Oh! This… This just too good!? [Brian points at Stewie]

Brian: No! No! Sh-Shut the fuck up! I am not!

[Stewie smacks his own face with stupidity]

Stewie: … I'm not stupid… you need to stop living you're past life…

Brian: Huh?

Stewie: Brian… there is no such thing as strait anymore… especially you!

Brian: YES I AM!

Stewie: You LIE Brian! [He grabs Brian by the collar and smacks him across the face]

Brian: OWWWW! What the HELL was that for?!

Stewie: For being stupid?!… Think of all the things you did that make you gay…

Brian: Uh… you do know that I only did all that stuff to make the show more interesting… even Seth Macfalaine said so in the Comic Convention in 2007…

Stewie: Really? I did not know that… hmm… well in that case carry on then… [He waves good-bye] [Brian goes back to staring at Jacob]

"Brian": this is so wrong of me… but it feels so right… [Jacob is still staring at himself (that is a long ass time)]

Jacob: You know what… I shouldn't keep this all to myself… I should share this with everyone! [Jacob slams the door open lifting his arms in the air] So? What did you think Brian? [Brian falls on the floor]

Brian: What the fuck?! Where you…

Jacob: Yes I can hear … you two are loud how can I not… I can see too you know… and in colors…

Brian: But why do you look so happy?

Jacob: I'm bisexual, dude. [Turns around and starts to walk to the bathroom] you coming or not? [Brian gets up]

Brian: But your going to go take a shower… so why would you want me with you… I'm nothing special…

Jacob: sign Yes you are…as a matter of fact…I think your kind of cute… besides you stopped and stared at me for a reason… so that must mean you want to take a shower with me… so what will it be? Yes… or no?

Brian: YES!!! [Brian smiles and hugs Jacob]

Jacob: Then get your ass over here!

[IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE DOOR SHUT]

[They kiss. Jacob stumbles on top of Brian (still kissing)] [they get into the shower and turns it on] [Brian hugs Jacob from behind clenching his fingers together tightly not letting go]

Jacob: Hey! Hey! Easy dude… I'm not going any where…

Brian: giggles sorry… [Jacob turns around and kisses Brian] [They fall into the bottom of the tub] [Jacob is on top of Brian]-Not sex related!

Jacob: I'm guessing you love me, huh?

Brian: Yes, I do! I love you, man.

Jacob: lets finish what we started later… mkay? [Brian smiles gaily]

Brian: okay… [Brian puts his hand on his cheek and strokes his hair] can we go see my cousin down at west Quahog after this?

Jacob: Why? [While closing into his face for another kiss]

Brian: Well… lets just say… he's an expert on gay and bisexual things… heh…

Jacob: Well that's nice…[they kiss again]

[LATER THAT SAME DAY…]

Knock! Knock! Knock! [Jasper answers the door] [Jasper swings his arms in the air]

Jasper: Brian! What a huge surprise! Come here and give me a hug! [He hugs Brian] Brian, honey! I haven't seen you in ages! [He looks at the person behind Brian] [They stop hugging]

Jasper: You know what's weird? That person behind you looks a lot like my ex-boyfriend! Jacob Green!

Jacob: … Oh my god… don't tell me… Jasper?

Jasper: Can I kiss you one more time? –Inter Brian: what the fuck…tear

"Brian": Grrrr… he's mine… you are so lucky you are my cousin… (Inter Brian: Jacob! You ass?! Jacob… you are such a man whore…)

(Inter Brian: … you hate me… your thinking about it…)

Jacob: I don't know…

Jasper: Please? -Brian: NEVER! HE'S MINE!

[Pause]

Victor: random anime moments may occur in these scripts… we will point them out… [He's holding a cup of… something] Shit… am I still on?

Holliday: Boo! Get off the page!

Trent -Don't ask…

Random Anime moment! –Has just occurred…

Jacob: like I said… I don't know… its up to my new boy friend…

Jasper: give me the details… what does he look like?

Jacob: He's short, white, has a big black nose and wears a goofy red collar.

Brian: HEY?!

Jacob: Hi… [He waves]

Brian: I hate you…

Jacob: I love you too…

Jasper: BRIAN! YOUR BISEXUAL?

Brian: … yeah… (Not confidently)

Jasper: … lets go inside…

Jacob: OH WAIT! Brian can I? You know… kiss Jasper.

Brian: … Ah… What the hell go ahead. [Jacob kisses Jasper with his hand going up his shirt] –Brian: … what the fuck…he never did that for me…tear

[INSIDE]

[Jasper crosses his legs gaily]

Jasper: … So… what's it like being with another man? You like it? [Jacob sits on Brian's lap sitting on the couch. Brian holds him by the chest] Wait! Have you ever been with other men?

Brian: Yep! You know… this is gayer than the time that peter found the death note…

(Victor: stupidity is contagious… especial this guy… wait! Is that death note?)

[FLASHBACK]

Peter: man, this notebook is freaking sweet! Better put my name in it so I don't lose it… [Ryuk is behind Peter laughing] [Peter writes his name in it] [40 seconds later…] [Peter falls over dead with his arm twisted behind him]

(Victor: …)

Jasper: Well now that I know that your bisexual, I'm gonna tell you a funny story… [Jacobs eyes got wider in a puppyish way]

Jacob: ooh… is this the gay bar one?

Jasper: Yes…

Jacob: AWSOME! [Brian is rubbing Jacobs belly]

Brian: Huh? Oh …this may be good… if Jacob likes it anyway…

Jasper: FLASHBACK!

[In the limousine (flashback)] [Jacob is hugging Jasper]

Jasper: hey look outside it's a gay bar! Can we go in?

Jacob: Sure!

Jasper: you know what else? They're having a "gay" contest! We both know who would win… right?

Jacob: Yup!

Jasper/ Jacob: ME! [Awkward silence occurs] [Jasper sits on a different seat and looks at Jacob]

Jasper: okay? Did you just say you can beat me at a "gay" contest? You're not even gay?

Jacob: So what? I've beaten you at everything else…

Jasper: I bet you 200 bucks that you don't have the balls to do it…

Jacob: DEAL… okay… get me… a pair of violet skinny jeans, a tight pink t-shit, a man purse, eye liner, black lip stick, a right hand fish net glove, girls jacket, red converse, a rainbow colored beanie, a rainbow colored wrist band that says "gay" on it, and a green belt… then I will go up there and act gay as HELL!

Jasper: Heres my "way ahead of you" bag… -Victor: that's just weird… how would he know… suspicious…

[Outside the gay bar]

Jacob/ Jasper: It's a bet! [They shake on it]

[Inside the gay bar] [Jasper is at the bar drinking a martini] [Jacob goes up behind Jasper] [You don't see Jacob]

Jacob: So… what do you think Jasper?

[Jasper turns around]

Jasper: Oh my fucking god?! Jacob? Is that really you? [Camera turns to Jacob] [Jacob poses gaily]

Jacob: Yes it is… aren't I dead sexy?

Jasper: HOLY SHIT! –Trent: cock… dick…

Jacob: I know, Hun… prepare to lose…

Jasper: Oh god…

[Pause]

Holliday: …oh… that is so not right … he's hot when he's gay too? I hate you Victor… I hope you die in a ditch…

Victor: Did I write THAT?!

Holliday: Oh stop complaining… you know you love him!

[UN pause]

[In Jasper's living room]

Brian: How about long story cut short… you failed miserably didn't you… [Jasper's head is down in shame]

Jasper: … yep… [Jacob jumps out of his seat like an anime character and sticks his thumbs up in the air]

Jacob: EPIC FAIL!!! [Brian is sitting behind him]

Brian: ………… [Jasper's eyes turn anime]

Jasper: Awkward anime moment… - (Victor: Hey! He did it for me!)

[Credits] "FAMILY GUY THEME MUSIC"

Starring as himself and Jacob Green

Alex Shelton

Original show

Seth Macfalaine

Adapted by

Victor Grasselino

Holliday Downs

Seth Green

Thomas Taylor

Andrew Lott

Trent Todd

Nickayla Smith

Anissa Alexander

Frankie Jackson

Cheyenne Jackson

Brian Rendon

Derec Foster

Zee Chance

Chance Floyd

Jimi Summers

Dominique Stowbridge

Mila Kunis

Johnny Brenna

Jordan Faddis

To my girlfriend who thinks this is f*cking hilarious…

Rebecca Doster

Special thanks to

Victor Grasselino

Trent Todd

Jimi Summers

Seth Macfalaine

Holliday Downs

Chance Floyd

Writer of the scripts

Trent Todd

Zee Chance

Victor Grasselino

A Fox Ember Production!

Co. workers with Flicktoon Studios!

Thanks for Reading!!!