I DONT HAVE ANYTHING ANYONES MOM. IN FACT I BET YOUR MOM IS A LOVELY PERSON WHO IM JUST DYING TO MEET BUT SADLY, THAT WOULD BE CREEPY.
Disclaimer: I dont own Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but, I am going to some day MUAHAHAHA!
Willy Wonka Hates Your Mom
Willy Wonka woke up one morning, and he was pissed.
Why? Well, because Mr. Wonka is a very messed up individual, also he can and it's free.
So, Willy got out of bed, took a swig of whiskey (as he does every morning) got dressed in that weird suit thing of his and went to the inventing room where he spends all his time cause he aint got the balls to go outside.
When in the inventing room Willy was greeted by an all too happy Charlie Bucket.
"Hi !" Said Charlie "I came up with some new ideas-"he was immediately cut off by a grunt, which seemed to come from the somewhat intoxicated chocolatier.
"Charlie, would you shut up? I mean all you talk about is SpongeBob and chocolate. It's really annoying. Who likes SpongeBob anyway? He's creepy." Said Willy very bitch like.
"Okay-"
"Also, get a new hair cut. The one you have now makes you look like a turnip. And don't use that "I'm too poor" excuse. You live in a giant chocolate factory with one of the richest men alive."
"I like my hair-"
"Stop wearing clothes that are too little for you. It looks queer. You should get some Spiderman shirts. I like Spiderman. He's badass!"
Charlie was bewildered, he never heard his mentor curse before, and it was awkward. Charlie was 14 (yes, 14 and watches SpongeBob, he also kisses his grandma) now and throughout all his life in the chocolate factory he never once heard Willy any type of profanity.
Willy turned to Charlie's confused face (also queer, cause Charlie is queer) "What?" He started "Ya never heard some criticism before? Children these days."
"Mr. Wonka, are you okay?"
"Charlie, Im fine" Willy said with one of those creepy pedophile smiles that makes everyone baby barf. "Now go get me some of that fudge we made yesterday."
"Okay sir" And with that Charlie skipped merrily off to the fudge section of the laboratory, leaving Willy time to investigate.
He went up to the candy table (cause candies are made on it, smart I know) and started snooping. Apparently Charlie was full of crap today because all he was doing was drawing pictures of SpongeBob with flowers and jellyfish. That boy has problems. Thought Willy, and then he saw it.
Willy saw Your Mom.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Screamed Willy as he soiled his pants which may seem impossible because he has no balls but it is in fact possible.
Seeing Your Mom made Willy sacred, no, not scared, infuriated (more than he was this morning). How could Charlie draw such a thing? He drew Your Mom! That sick bastard!
Charlie quickly ran (skipped, the boy never learned how to run, he was to poor) over to Willy.
The scene that was in front of the poor mentally unstable boy was frightening.
Willy fainted, woke up, vomited, fainted, woke up again and then tried to commit suicide with his cane. It was at that moment Charlie realized that the man had seen Your Mom. (How embarrassing)
"Willy?" Charlie said "Are you okay?"
Taking a break between suicide attempts Willy looked up to Charlie and screamed.
"YOU BLOODY COCK SUCKING MOTHER FUCKER! THAT'S YOUR MOM RIGHT THERE! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOUBRING SUCH A FOUL THING INTO THIS FACTORY! BURN IN HELL CHARLIE BUCKET!"
Charlie started to sob at the chocolatiers harsh words. "WHY WILLY WHY?!?!?! WHY MUST YOU HURT ME SO!" He feel to his knees and then proceeded to sob some more. "A-a-a-all I wanted t-t-t-to do was h-h-have something s-s-s-special! A-a-a-all I wanted was y-y-your mom!"
"I HOPE MY MOM GIVES YOU SYPHILIS!" Yelled Willy "I HOPE SWEEDISH FISH COME AND EAT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! I HOPE HARRY POTTER COMES TO YOUR HOUSE AND RAPES YOU'RE FAMILY! NEVER BRING YOU MOM INTO MY ROOM OF INVENTING! NEVER EVER EVER!"
Charlie finally got over his little hissy girl fit and looked at Willy who was now trying to choke himself with his top hat, slowly he took a piece of candy out of his pocket.
It was time to get revenge.
Charlie took the candy and then with all his might chucked it at Willy's head. "KIT KAT BARS ARE BETTER THEN THE SHIT YOU MAKE! YOU CREATE CANDY FOR WHORES! AND YOUR MOM IS A FAT BITCH"
"IT BURNS IT BURNS!" Screamed Willy "THE KIT KAT IS ATTACKING MY FLAWLESS IVORY SKIN!"
The sight was amazing. Willy Wonka was fighting a Kit Kat bar. It was an amazing fight but it was all over when Willy brought out the hidden shank he keeps in his vest and repeatedly started to stab the helpless piece of candy.
After the slaughter was done, Willy stood up, his top coat covered in chocolate and little bits of Kit Kat wrapper was strewn about in his hair, he then reached into his pocket and took out a full bottle of vodka (Mr. Wonka has HUGE pockets) and drank half of the substance.
Charlie watched, amazed. How could one hold in so much liquor?
Silently Willy put the bottle back into his enlarged pocket and wobbled over to the Kit Kt bar and proceeded to piss on it.
"And that" Willy slurred "is hows you do its in the hood. Now gets Your Mom out of here or youlls be this stupid Kit Kat bar. Kays?"
Charlie could only nod. Never again would he get on Willy Wonkas nerve.