Author's Note: This is not my fault. Blame them. You know who I mean. Those three Fates, not to mention the Sibling who continually plied me with chocolate. CHOCOLATE AND GUNDAM WING DO NOT MIX!
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing, Moulin Rouge, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, I Will Survive, that Spice Girls song, or anything else for that matter. Except Tiro. Tiro is MINE!
Warnings: Extreme weirdness, dizzying camera pans, strobe lights, Spice Girls music, shonen-ai and a pink spandex-clad Dekim. Enjoy!
**Scene is Kauri's bedroom. Kauri's lying flat on her back holding a thin booklet over her head, Tiro is draped over the back of the computer chair in chibi form, and the occasional thump or bump is coming from her closet**
Kauri: Howdy do, young uns!
Tiro: *rolls eyes* Please excuse my mistress over there, she's still in performance mode
Kauri: Well y'all look like a healthy bunch of heifers...hey, I'm trying to learn my lines here!
Tiro: *pokes her with a big stick that appeared out of nowhere* *loud stage whisper* We're in the middle of a fic
Kauri: *blinku* Well, that we are.... a heh heh heh, howdy do? *stage whisper* Uh, Tiro, what's this fic about?
Tiro: You're the writer! You're supposed to have the topic!
Kauri: You're the muse! You GIVE me a topic! Besides, you were the one who started this nonsense!
Tiro: Not my fault!
Kauri: *sits up* Oh yeah?
Tiro: Yeah!
Kauri: Oh YEAH?
Tiro: YEAH!
Kauri: OH YEAH?
Tiro: YEAH!
**Closet door explodes**
Wufei: ONNA!! Stop this conversation before I am forced to kill you both!
Kauri: *sticks her tongue out* You can't do diddly-squat. As long as my binding spells are in place and haven't worn out yet, you're stuck! Get back in the closet!
Quatre: Uh, Kauri....it's really crowded in here. And kinda dark....could we come out please?
Kauri: *melts* Fine, just because you asked nicely. *glares at Wufei* Unlike SOME people I could name. The rest of you can come out, too. I'm in the middle of a fic and I still don't have a plot.
**Four rather rumpled looking pilots file out of Kauri's closet...it has hammerspace-like qualities. Duo flumps down on the bed beside Kauri, Quatre perches in the chair and holds Tiro on his lap, Trowa sits on the edge of the desk, and Heero and Wufei stand around looking disgruntled**
Everyone: . . . .
Kauri: So . . . exciting fic this is, ain't it?
Wufei: *glare* Onna.
Kauri: Hey, at least I haven't pulled out a poetry book on you.
Duo: *pales* You WOULDN'T!
Kauri: *thinks* You're right, I wouldn't. I'll leave that up to Cherry Blossom and Tsuki-chan. But I am tempted to start writing crossovers.
Quatre: *looks wary* Crossovers with what?
Kauri: *shrugs* Golden Compass, my novel, the Belgariad, Pern....
Duo: PORN?
Kauri: *smacks Duo with a pillow* NO BAKA HENTAI! Pern, as in Dragonriders of Pern!
Duo: ....itai....
Heero: *looks around* Where's everyone else? You don't live all alone.
Kauri: *winces* The parentals are gone, but....
**Door to the room suddenly slams open and a manic ball of energy bursts into the room. Tiro screams and dives for cover under a large milk crate**
Kauri: *sighs* My sister is still here.
Devil Spawn: *waving a green plushie bunny* Look what you did to Mr. Bunnysworth!
Quatre: Awww, she's so cute....look at her pigtails!
DS: QUATRE! *megaflyingtackleglomps him*
Trowa: Quatre!
Quatre: *wide eyed* .....help.....can't.....breathe.....
Kauri: *sighs* Tiro?
Tiro: *sticks his hand out from under the milk crate holding a large crowbar*
Kauri: *pries Devil Spawn off Quatre*
DS: *hanging onto the crowbar, dangling above the ground* *growls*
Kauri: See? See what I have to deal with?
DS: Wanna glomp Quatre!
Kauri: Why don't you go make some tea? Quatre would like that a lot better than a hug, okay?
DS: *considers* Hmm.... fine. But first... *drops from the crowbar, hugs and kisses everyone in the room - including Wufei and Heero - and runs away again*
Everyone sans Kauri: *blink* *blink*
Duo: ....I pity you.
Kauri: I pity me, too.
Wufei: *shell-shocked* .....onna kissed me....
Kauri: Um, Wufei? As much I would like to let you, please don't kill my little sister. She's really quite useful while not hanging from you like a leech.
Wufei: ....injustice....
Kauri: *pats Wufei on the head* Good boy. *flops back down on the bed* Now what do we do?
Duo: Vacate the house before that thing comes rampaging back in?
Quatre: I second that!
Kauri: *sits bolt upright and starts vibrating, grinning like a maniac*
G-boys: *back away nervously*
Duo: Uh, Kauri? What....
Tiro: *jumps out from hiding and lands on Kauri's head*
Tiro and Kauri: *strike a pose* FIC IDEA!!!!
Quatre: Why do I suddenly feel afraid?
Duo: *blonde-like* Uh, 'cause you're smart?
Kauri: Don't worry, I won't hurt you....yet.
Wufei: Onna, if you do ANYTHING, I swear.....
Kauri: *innocently* Bring it on, Fei-fei.
Wufei: *mutters something incoherently about justice*
Tiro: How come Heero hasn't said anything during the entire fic?
Heero: I'm trying to write myself out of this fic.
Kauri: *blinku* I almost forgot about you! *glomps his arm à la Relena*
Heero: Curses, foiled again....
Kauri: *drops his arm* Okay people, we've got a fic to write, let's move it! *snaps her fingers and the room turns into an old theatre-style place. The G-boys are all sitting in the first of two rows of comfy seats facing a stage curtain. Tiro is standing on a pile of schoolwork in the back next to an old movie projector.* Hmmm, that should be about right....wait, I know! More of an audience! *snaps her fingers again and Tsuki, Bara, and Terra appear in the second row of seats*
Tsuki: *blinku* Imouto?
Kauri: Oneechan! Ready for some weird fic writing?
Tsuki: Ha~ai!
Bara: Heya, Kauri!
Terra: Do we get popcorn?
G-boys: *try to inch away from the crazed otakus behind them*
Tsuki: *leans forward and pats Heero on the head* Don't worry, this is Kauri's fic, we can't do anything unless she tells us to.
Kauri: *grinz* Damn straight! And popcorn is a wonderful idea! *snaps her fingers again and huge buckets of extra-buttery movie popcorn appear in everyone's hands*
Duo: Hey, I might actually like this fic. *flips popcorn into his mouth*
Quatre: *discovers that the arms of the seats can flip up* Hmmm, me too.... *flips his arm rest up and cuddles with Trowa*
Trowa: . . . .
Wufei: *scowls* Get on with it, onna.
Kauri: *sits beside Tsuki* *sticks her tongue out* From now on, stuff in italics is in not in the fic fic, but is in the little side fic that started before.... you'll get it. Tiro, roll it!
**lights go down, the curtain goes up, and Tiro starts cranking the movie projector. Onscreen, it says:
Gundam Wing
MY WAY
Cut to another screen:
EARTHAC 196
Cuts to black and white scene of Kauri dressed in Trowa's clown outfit leaning out her window**
Kauri: *singing* There was a show....a most enchanted show....
Duo: Hey, isn't this from Moulin Rouge?
Bara: *smacks Duo on the back of the head* Shh!
**Zoom-y twisty camera pan to Governor's mansion during Endless Waltz, right after Mariemeia is shot and a bunch of stuff happens**
Dekim: Stop right there!
**The strobe lights from Noin's cantina and that kinky sword-tapping scene come up, and three Mariemeia soldiers jump up and grab microphones from nowhere. Dekim drop his robe thingies to reveal....a pink spandex ABBA-type suit. Music starts in**
Dekim: *singing* Thank you very much / I need somebody with a human touch....
**As Dekim keeps singing, the soldiers start doing back-up dancing**
**Somewhere in a slightly different timeline at Lake Victoria Base**
Noin: *rummaging through a big cardboard box* Where the hell did those strobe lights go?
Alex: *runs in* I'll find them for you, Lieutenant Noin!
Meuller: *runs in after him* No, I'll find them, Lieutenant Noin!
Alex: No, I will!
Meuller: I will!
Alex: ME!
Meuller: ME! *both start fighting*
Noin: *oblivious* Maybe Zechs knows where they are! *wanders off to phone Zechs*
**Back in AC 196, Governer's mansion. Everyone is collapsed holding their burning eyes and screaming while Dekim keeps singing*
Dekim: Hey you! Always on the run gotta slow it down baby gotta have some fu~un!
Heero: *runs in* Oh dear Lord! *shoots Dekim*
Everyone: *cheers*
Everyone: *blink* *blink*
Duo: My eyes! They buuuuuuurn!
Heero: *twitches*
Wufei: Onna, that was cruel!
Kauri: I'm sorry! I didn't realize it would be so....disturbing. And I mean, DISTURBING! Tiro! Keep rolling!
**Another zoom-y pan thingie to Libra in the last episode. Wing Zero and Epyon are fighting in the ruin**
Wing Zero/Heero: *slices Epyon's arm off* Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Epyon/Zechs: 'Tis but a scratch.
Wing Zero: A scratch? Your arm's off!
Epyon: No, it isn't.
Wing Zero: Well, what's that then?
Epyon: I've had worse.
Wing Zero: You liar!
Epyon: Come on you pansy!
Wing Zero: *chops the Epyon's right arm off* Victory is mine! *calls the G-boys on his com* Ninmu kanryou....Epyon has bee-
Epyon: *kicks Wing Zero* Come on then.
Wing Zero: What?
Epyon: Have at you!
Wing Zero: You are stupidly brave, Zechs, but the fight is mine.
Epyon: Oh, had enough, eh?
Wing Zero: Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left.
Epyon: Yes I have.
Wing Zero: Look!
Epyon: It's just a flesh wound. *headbutts Wing in the chest*
Wing Zero: Look, stop that.
Epyon: Chicken! Chicken!
Wing Zero: Look, I'll have your leg. Right! *slices Epyon's leg off*
Epyon: *bouncing around on one leg* Right, I'll do you for that!
Wing Zero: You'll what?
Epyon: Come 'ere!
Wing Zero: What are you going to do, spew machine oil on me?
Epyon: I'm invincible!
Wing Zero: You're a loony.
Epyon: Epyon always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.
Wing Zero: *chops Epyon's other leg off*
Epyon: All right; we'll call it a draw.
Wing Zero: Hn. *flies away*
Epyon: Oh, oh, I see, running away, 'eh? ... You yellow bastard! Come back here and take what's coming to you.... I'll bite your legs off!
**Libra explodes**
Everyone:. . . .
Duo: . . . . at least it didn't have a pink spandex-wearing Dekim in it.
Wufei: *glare* That's hardly an improvement. *glares at Kauri* How many more of these inane things do we have to watch, onna?
Kauri: *looks innocent* One more. Promise! *mutters* For now. . . .
Wufei: I heard that, onna!
Kauri: Roll it!
**Quick zoom-y pan to same episode, when Heero is aiming the buster rifle at the falling bit of Libra**
Heero: I will . . . I will . . . I will . . . I will survive!
**Noin's strobe lights start again and low music in the background*
Noin: So that's where they went!
**Music swell**
Quatre: *singing* At first I was afraid.
Trowa: *singing* I was petrified.
Duo: I kept thinking I could never live / Without you by my side.
Wufei: But then I spent so many nights / Just thinking how you'd done me wrong.
Relena: I grew strong / I learned how to get along.
All four: And so you're back from outer space / I just walked in to find you here / Without that look upon your face.
Duo: I should have changed that stupid lock.
Quatre: I would have made you leave your key
Trowa: If I'd have known for just one second
Wufei: You'd be back to bother me.
All: Oh now go / Walk out the door / Just turn around now / You're not welcome anymore.
Trowa: Weren't you the one / Who tried to break me with desire?
Quatre: Did you think I'd crumble?
Duo: Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Heero: Oh not I.
All: I will survive / As long as I know how to love / I know I'll be alive / I've got all my life to live
Relena: I've got all my love to give.
All: I will survive / I will survive.
Heero: It took all the strength I had / Just not to fall apart / I'm trying hard to mend / The pieces of my broken heart.
Wufei: And I spent oh so many nights / Just feeling sorry for myself.
Relena: I used to cry.
Duo: But now I hold my head up high.
Relena: And you'll see me with somebody new / I'm not that stupid little person /Still in love with you.
**Libra chunk explodes as Relena wails a random high note. Everyone flinches**
**Film flickers out and house lights come back up. Kauri snaps her fingers and everything is back to normal - except the several half-eaten tubs of popcorn**
Kauri: *munches popcorn* Wasn't that fun?
Heero: Omae o korosu.
Wufei: ONNA!
Trowa: . . . .
Quatre: A heh heh, yeah . . .
Duo: *mouth full of popcorn*
Kauri: Good! Well, I think that's it . . . .
Duo: *swallows* Finally! Freedom!!
Kauri: *smacks herself in the forehead* I know what I forgot
!
G-boys: *pale*
Duo: Uh-oh.
Kauri: *grin* Don't worry, you're safe. Buuut . . . . The Society For Helping Wufei Get Some (pluggity plug plug plug) is having another contest and since I don't have an entry yet . . .
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!!! *runs for the door*
Kauri: You can't get out. It's a Bishie-Field(TM). It allows normal traffic through but keeps bishies in or out.
Wufei: INJUSTICE!!!! *backs against the wall* That unjust Society will be the death of me!
Kauri: Sorry, Tro, but this contest is a 4x5/5x4, sooo . . . . *snaps her fingers*
Quatre: *looks at Wufei*
Wufei: *looks at Quatre*
Quatre: Wufei . . .
Wufei: Quatre . . .
**Both run for the closet. A few moments later loud thumpings come from the closed door**
Wufei: *from the closet* Oh, QUATRE!!
Trowa: *looks sad*
Kauri: Awwww . . . . poor Tro-baby. I promise, you can have him back soon. In the meantime, pocky?
Trowa: . . . . *takes pocky*
Duo: *looks at Kauri hopefully*
Kauri: *hands Duo pocky*
Duo: Yay!
Heero: Hn.
Kauri: *looks at audience* Well, until next time, baibai! And review! *wavies*