I have decided to work on my comedy some more, so I'm making a Bryan mini series! I guess you could treat Bryan's Daily Routine as the first episode, but to be honest, I really didn't like how that one turned out. I think you'll like this one a lot better since I actually made some effort. Keyword SOME.
"Man I'm bored!" Bryan groaned as he stretched out onto his couch and turned on the tv. His favorite show, "Cops" was on. There was a highly intoxicated man trying to bite an officer, who proceeded to take him down and cuff him.
"Ha ha, slam that bitch in the dirt!" Bryan laughed as he cracked open a beer. Suddenly, his stomach rumbled.
"Shit, I'm hungry. Wait, can I even get hungry? Well, whatever. I'm f***ing hungry!"
Bryan whipped out his cell phone and scrolled through the contacts.
"Good thing I have Pizza Palooza's number saved!"
He pressed the call button and muted the television.
"Hello? Yeah I'd like to place an order. Wait, what? What do you mean you're rolling around in vanilla pudding? What do you mean you want me to bend your legs over your head and- oh shit, this isn't Pizza Palooza. This is the Barely Legal Bitches Hotline."
He scrolled down one below and pressed call again.
"Ah, that's better! Hello? Yeah, I'd like to place an order. Gimme a large, double ham, double olive, double mushroom, double cheese, double- hell, just give me every topping and freaking double it. Oh, you'll be here in a flash? Great!"
Bryan hung up and immediately starting laughing maniacally much like he does in the games.
"Welp, what to do now? I know, I'll make a sand- oh wait, I just ordered pizza. Oh I know! I'll run down the street, and the first person I come across, I'll knock their teeth in!"
Bryan put on a pair of gray sweatpants and a black tanktop and started jogging down the street. As he ran by, he passed an old lady who was walking her dog. The old lady looked at him and smiled sweetly.
"Good evening, young ma-"
"What the f*** did you say to me, bitch?!" Bryan yelled. He drew back his fist and punched her into a tree. The dog barked at him furiously but he picked it up and punted it. It flew so far that it went to a completely different town.
"Ah, that was relaxing. Welp, time to go back."
Bryan jogged back to his house and stripped down to his boxers, then plopped back on his couch.
"Let's see... oooh MMA is on! Man, I'll never forget the week that I was an MMA fighter. Bryan 'Fury' Fury!" Bryan chuckled at his old nickname.
"Ah, too bad I was let go after I punched my opponent so hard his head came off and flew into the stands. Good times, good times..."
Bryan was so busy reminiscing that he almost missed the low rumbling of an engine.
"Wait, is that..."
He immediately shot to his feet and looked out the window. Sure enough, the pizza van was heading down the road.
"Alright! Let's do this." Bryan said in a serious tone. He reached underneath his couch and pulled out a LAW rocket launcher. After extending the tube and flipping up the sight, he ran out the house and pointed it down the street.
"Wait for it... wait for it... NOW!"
He fired the rocket, which soared with a trail of smoke and struck the vehicle head on, causing it to explode immediately. It flipped and skidded until it landed just an inch outside of Bryan's property.
"YEEEAH SCORE ONE BABY!" Bryan laughed and whooped as he observed the beautiful wreckage. He then flipped out his phone and looked at the time.
"Now just... five more minutes."
Bryan sat down right in front of the wreckage for five minutes, not even moving his hand to scratch his itching crotch. Finally, he whipped out his phone again.
"58...59... thirty minutes! Now I don't have to pay a f***ing cent!"
Bryan jumped for joy as he reached around the flaming truck and found his pizza, miraculously intact.
"WOOOO! I've been waiting for this!"
But before Bryan could enjoy his pizza, he was interrupted by the howling of police sirens. Almost in the blink of an eye, his house was surrounded by SWAT armored vehicles. Men dressed in heavy black armor and carrying riot shields poured from the vehicle and formed a circle around Bryan.
"Oh boy, the little piggies are back..." Bryan said with a yawn.
"FURY!" a voice bellowed. Bryan looked up to see Lei Wulong pushing his way through the crowd. He made his way to Bryan and pointed an M16 at his head. Lei was also dressed in riot armor.
"To what do I owe this pleasure, officer Piggy?" Bryan chuckled.
"You know why we're here, Bryan. I formed a response team as soon as I found out you had called Pizza Palooza."
"What, I was hungry! Is that a crime now? Or are you just being racist to zombie cyborgs?"
"You pull this shit EVERY TIME you order a freaking pizza! You wait until they get close to your house, then you blow them up so they won't be able to deliver it to your doorstep! Then you wait until the 30 minute minimum has passed before you snatch your pizza from the fiery wreckage, and somehow it's always okay! I mean seriously, you would think the pizza would be- you know what, it doesn't matter. You're under arrest for murder! And theft!"
"Umm, but this pizza is mine. 30 minutes or it's free, bro."
"Oh. Well... uhh, you're still under arrest for murder!"
"Actually, I'm oka-" the pizza man said before Bryan punched him and broke his skull.
"Are you going to come along peacefully?" Lei asked, still pointing the gun.
"Can I eat my pizza first?"
"No."
"THEN HEEEEELLL NAAW!"
Bryan unleashed a sweep kick so powerful it knocked down every SWAT that was around him except Lei, who was quick enough to jump back.
"FWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE!" Lei yelled as he fired his M16 frantically. The bullets all bounced off of Bryan as he snatched the gun and broke it in half.
"You lose." Bryan said with a grin.
"Aw man, I'll get you yet Bryan Fury!" Lei yelled, shaking his fist like a cheesy villain. He leaped onto a passing car as it zoomed down the road.
"YOOOU'LL SEEEEEEE!"
"Welp, glad that's over. Now I can eat!" Bryan said cheerily as he opened his pizza and dug in.
"Hey, put some clothes on!" a woman yelled.
"Ahhh f*** you!" Bryan yelled, flipping her off.
THE END