Hello! I'm very hyper, and what does hyperness produce when two
great mind are put together? Pure randomness.
Now You're
probably thinking 'who is this other head you mention?' well it's
SparkieSchteff!
We own:
Doctor Ham, and any other out of place character in this! What we
don't own is Doctor who or the Boosh, and I guess Gordon Ramsey
owns himself. Also I'd like to thank Radar-rox for beta-ing.
x
Vince was
punking out over the new Doctor Who theme which he'd burned off his
pear Mac (the cheaper version of the apple Mac, c'mon, he works
minimum wage) in his bedroom; the windows were wide open and dolly
pegs off the washing line had broken into; the can can. Howard
stormed in with a thong wrapped around his head.
"Turn this
racket off! Y'know I hate Doctor Who now they punked up the theme!"
Howard stabbed the eject button with his finger and grabbed the CD, flinging it out the window; Vince stood utterly gobsmacked although his emoticon changed when a strangled cry came from the garden, where the CD had landed on a peg, killing it outright.
"Noooooooooooooo! My baby, I loved him from birth!" cried the mother of the cruelly murdered peg The crying soon stopped as an American sounding siren echoed thorough the gardens and a Sainsbury box came careening around the corner, sloppily driven by Bob Fossil dressed as a kinky nurse.
"Ouuta
my way there's a peg here that needs attending too!"
He
stepped out of his ambulance (well, box) and ran toward the squished
peg, lifting the CD and eating it.
"Mmmm, yummy wait I gotta
piss!"
He shouted, standing up and running off, leaving his 'Ambulance'
"Wait!
What about my baby!" shouted the distressed mother peg.
"Screw
your baby! I gotta piss!"
The
'Nurse' ran off around the corner, Vince just shook his head at
the scene unfolding in the garden and sighed.
"Well I'm gonna
go make – wait, why do you have a thong on your head?"
Vince
began, stopping when he noticed the pink lace hanging off the
maverick's smoky hair.
"Yeah, erm…it was Ms. Gideon…what were you gonna make?" Howard asked, diverting the conversation from diving into his kinky after work activities.
"Erm…
I'm gonna make a ham sandwich."
Vince mumbled edging out the
room, before breaking into a run for the kitchen.
--
"Uh, Doctor Who is a TV programme… and when Sarah Jane was, uh in it in the 70's they urm came to the Moon for an adventure and the Doctor doesn't know this but me and Sarah… we had sex. I'm the Moon."
--
Ignoring the screams from the garden, and Howard flipping out and throwing tampons out the window (why they had tampons I don't know… probably for nosebleeds), Vince opened the fridge, eyeing the contents and taking out what he needed. Bread, butter, and he was about to reach for the third item when the fridge began to hum and glow blue.
"What
the hump… wait Hump? Argh! I'm being taken over by Bob!"
Vince
screamed, running around the kitchen waving the Hovis bag all around,
sending best of both flying all over the place.
"Excuse
me?"
Vince stopped his frenzy and went back over to the fridge
to see a piece of ham sitting up in the packet, a pair of googly eyes
crudely sellotaped to the pink surface.
"What…the…hell?
Who, I mean, what are you?"
Vince asked, staring at the ham
which was talking to him and considering if he'd finally smoked too
much of Naboo's hookah and had finally gone mad. The ham just
reached into the packet and pulled out a cheese string, pulling
strands and crafting them into a pair of glasses, placing them on his
face (don't ask how).
"I'm the Doctor." It said simply.
"Doctor
Who?" Vince asked.
"No Doctor Ham, Doctor Who? What do you
think this is, a BBC sci-fi?" Doctor Ham asked, shaking his head
and spraying water all over the place - dammed processed ham.
"Well,
yeah, ok, but…. why are you here?" Vince asked, pulling a chair
from the dining room table and sitting on it.
"My Mus-TARDIS
sent me here, something's going to happen."
"Mus-Tardis?"
Vince asked, now munching on a piece of bread, he couldn't eat the
ham; that would be tactless.
"Yeah, you see Colman's crafted
it for me after I did this advert for them, anyway if the sonic
potato peeler tells me right then you are in danger!" The piece of
meat warned, Vince just dropped his bread and ran around the kitchen
screaming something about 'salt and vinegar crisps'
"Can you shut the fuck up please?" Came a voice, that wasn't Howard's or Doctor Ham's, but nether the less it stopped Vince in his tracks. He looked around the kitchen to try and identify the second mysterious voice, his gaze rested on the Gordon Ramsey cookery book.
"Shut up Gordon. Hey shouldn't you have a companion to time travel with you?" Vince asked, shunning Gordon.
"Yeah, I have my friend; Donna Jam, she's hiding somewhere in the Mus-TARDIS. You see she was a Vampire but we had a run in with the Garlic's and she was reduced to a strawberry conserve, wait. OH MY GOD look behind you!" Doctor ham screamed and pointed past Vince, who turned and looked at the thing that made the Doctor panic so.
A giant
Ladle was floating over his head, and he backed up to the wall
wailing that he was going to die.
"Argh I'm going die! I'm
going to be killed by a soup ladle!"
"You
must defeat him, else 6 billion people will die!" The doctor
shouted.
"How?" Vince screamed as Gordon flipped his pages to
a soup recipe.
"Make soup you fucker!" He shouted, Vince ran
up to the recipe book and peered at the pages.
"I can't read!"
He exclaimed, Gordon sighed.
"Fucks sake, okay boil some water
in a pan and chuck some vegetables in!" Gordon shouted.
"What's
a vegetable?" Vince asked puzzled, Gordon sighed.
"Just put
some ham in some boiling water, the ladle will be drawn to it and
then he'll drown…. Thick fucker." He mumbled, Vince ran around
the kitchen, grabbed a knife and pulled out Doctor ham from the
fridge slicing him up and throwing him in the pan.
"After all
I've done for you!" the sliced up Doctor shouted as he was boiled
down, Vince just shrugged as he stirred the pan. He was smacked
around the head by the ladle making it's way to the pan.
"Watch
out you fucker! It's behind you."
"Piss of Peter Pan, this
ain't Panto." Vince snarled, as the ladle smashed into the back
of his head again, he turned and battled with the ladle forcing it
into the ham soup (god rest his soul in pieces) and killing the evil
soul that had possessed the ladle, (we don't know who it is but my
bets on Dot Cotton), either way the evil Ladle of Doom was drowned,
in the stocky remains of Doctor ham, and had returned to it's
regular status of standard kitchen tool. Vince sank down the
cabinets, blowing his fringe upwards, still holding the knife when
Howard wandering in the kitchen now wearing the thongs.
"Just
getting myself a ham sandwich."
"How about some ham soup?"