Title: Bloodflowers
Author: Paula K.
Fandom: Spygame
Pairing: Nathan D. Muir/Tom Bishop
Rating: R (T)
Disclaimer: Characters belong to Michael Frost Beckner – I just borrowed them.

Warnings, Spoilers and/or Author's Notes:
Movie spoilers – a very minor breakdown of events in the film. To me,
this film is a great love story and so I needed to write a little
something for Nathan and Tom.

~~ BLOODFLOWERS ~~

Thoughts of Tom plagued Nathan Muir every day. At times he could
never predict, he saw the young man's image flash in still-life
photographs inside his mind. Some of those images made him smile.
Most made his heart ache. Tom. Always a constant reminder, no matter
which emotion. A reminder that at the least, if nothing else, Nathan
could still feel.

Some nights Nathan would drown himself in those crystal blue eyes,
seeing the lines around the young man's face change whenever he
laughed or smiled. The way his eyelids hooded over, shielding Nathan
from their depth whenever his body filled with passion and heat. He
could see *that* look Tom gave him whenever Nathan had failed him.
And then Nathan would wake up with a start and the ache would settle
over him like a blanket.

DA NANG
April '75

Nathan sat watching the young man across from him intently. He
wondered if the kid had any idea of what it was Nathan was telling
him. How different his life would be if he said yes. And then he said
it.
"Yeah, I'll do it, sir."
And that's when Tom stood up. Nathan stood, too, and the two men
stared at each other and after a few moments, a shy smile came over
Tom's face.

"Let's take a walk," Nathan said, as he stood and moved out of the
tent.

Tom followed the older man, still smiling, though more curiously now.
They walked all over the camp. Nathan did most of the talking which
was fine since Tom wasn't really much of a talker. They shared
glances and deep sighs, and when they wound up at Nathan's tent, it
took only moments for the two to find themselves in each other's
arms.

Tom's lips were soft and sensual. Nathan loved kissing that mouth.
Loved the feel of the young man's strong body beneath him, trembling
at his every touch, silently begging for more. Fingers entwined,
hands squeezing - seeking a lifeline as Nathan's mouth stretched over
Tom's cock, sucking and tasting his essence. It was all Tom could do
not to scream out loud when he came hard inside Nathan's mouth.

They made love for hours, Nathan finally finding a home inside the
young man. Nathan struggled against drowning inside those lust-filled
blue eyes. Kissing them closed, he thrust deeply into Tom, taking
them both into the chasm. Afterward, the two lay in a tangle of arms
and legs, Tom's face buried in the hollow of Nathan's neck, his chest
resting against Nathan's.

The next morning came too soon. Nathan berated himself for even go
near the younger man but then, those feelings were lost and
forgotten. The moments before Nathan actually saw him were filled
with silent, secret anguish.

But Tom had done his job well. And they shared that night together as
well, making every moment feel like a celebration. Tom had never had
a lover like Nathan. Each kiss was a gift, imprinted upon and searing
into his skin. He'd never be able to wipe away the memory of Nathan
Muir. He never wanted to forget. And while no real promises were
made, a bond had been born then that would never be severed.

"I'll see you, Boy Scout." Nathan said softly, and then he went up
and away in the chopper.

Germany
Christmas '76

Tom stepped off the train and there he was. Nathan Muir. His whole
body felt the shock. Turning, he watched Nathan with the woman beside
him. His head was pounding. He couldn't stop the pull of his limbs –
they needed to move toward Nathan.

"I'm sorry sir. It's Bishop. Sargent Bishop?"
"Oh, Christ. Sandy this is Tom Bishop. It's Tom right?"
"Hi."

Tom had gone back to Nathan's with them. Spent the first night there,
waiting for Nathan to come to him. He'd just about given up when he
felt the bed dip beside him and warm arms pull him close. Kisses
rained down upon his neck and shoulders. He was pushed gently onto
his stomach and the kisses continued. When Nathan breached him with
his tongue, Tom buried his face into his pillow and moaned. Slick
fingers followed and then Nathan was there, filling him up like he
did so many months before. And Tom finally felt whole for the first
time since he'd last been with Nathan.

That time was neither better nor worse than this time. Because Tom
could no longer sort through time now - could not separate his life
into the `before' and `after' that was Nathan. He simply gave into
the feeling.

When Nathan grasped his hips, Tom pushed back against him, inviting
him deeper inside. Nathan moved faster, using one hand on Tom's cock,
pumping in rhythm with his thrusts. The two came hard, in tandem. Tom
trembled when Nathan left him. Turning over, he wrapped himself
around him.

"I didn't think I'd ever see you again."
"Here I am."
Smiling that shy smile he only really gave to Nathan, Tom laughed.
"Indeed," replied Tom, sleepily.

Tom began his training within the next few weeks. He spent the days
taking in all of Nathan's words, and the nights taking in everything
else Nathan had to offer. Nathan never said anything about his
feelings for Tom. He gave Tom no acknowledgement that he had any
feelings at all. But there were promises made with his heart and Tom
held on to each one dearly.

The final test brought Tom into Nathan. He needed something real to
trade for the innocence that was stolen. When Tom buried himself
inside Nathan, he knew he wasn't alone. There were secrets buried
more deeply inside Nathan than any place Tom would ever touch. No
matter how much he might want to try, he'd never reach him.

China 1991
~Operation Dinner Out~

Tom tried hard to live with the memory that was himself with Nathan.
He'd walked away from *them*. He acted as though he actually *could*
forget. Forget that his blood sung with recognition whenever Nathan
was near. That the longing by which Tom felt suffocated should be
buried inside him instead of lying *just* under the surface. But, if
he buried that longing he'd be so much more like Nathan than he
already was.

So instead, he lived. Tom convinced himself that Elizabeth Hadley
would be enough. That whatever they'd shared was enough for Tom to
risk his life for. And in some ways she was. She *was* what Tom
*could* have. And that was more than he bargained for. Damn Nathan
for coming to see him. Why. Why had he? He didn't want Tom. Well…
maybe he did want Tom. But he didn't need him. And Tom needed him to
need him. Desperately.

~ After Penghu ~

Months had passed before Tom found out what had happened in Penghu.
He discovered what Nathan had done for him and it felt like an icy
hot balm had settled in his stomach. He had Elizabeth and their life.
He was living honestly with her now – as honestly as Tom knew how to,
anyway. And in spite of the information he'd gathered about Penghu,
Tom found it quite easy to make that new life with Elizabeth. They'd
even talked about having a child.

It took more months for things to really start to crumble. Yes,
Elizabeth loved him but she loved her work more. And when Tom
couldn't make the choice to move freely along with her, it was she
who left him. And when she did, she took all of Tom's reasons for
making a life without Nathan away with her. He had to try. And that
was how Tom found his way.

It's late when he hears the doorbell. He'd fallen asleep on the
couch - something he's gotten into the habit of. He looks at his
watch before checking the window. His breath catches. He blinks. And
then opens the door for Tom.

As they sit together drinking whiskey, Tom can't tear his eyes away
from Nathan's face. He looks *so* good. Too good, Tom thinks. And
that bothers Tom. A lot. So much that he doubts himself. He's been
doing that a lot. And that bothers him, too. What bothers Tom the
most though is how far Nathan still seems from him even now. Tom sees
how relaxed Nathan is. Tom wants to shatter that calm veneer. Wants
to make Nathan *need*.

Standing, Tom moves slowly toward him, eyes never leaving Nathan's.
Taking the glass from his hand, Tom brings it to his lips, swallowing
the liquid courage down in one pull. He sets the glass down on the
coffee table and then takes another step forward. He's straddling
Nathan's hips, pressing himself hard against him. They both sink into
the sofa. He can feel Nathan's hands coming up to hold him around his
back and Tom leans into it, shifting his weight.

"Are you free?" Tom asks.
"Is anyone?" Nathan replies, pulling Tom tighter against him.
"I am." Tom says, the bitterness seeping out and settling over them
like a blanket.
"No." Nathan says quietly, bringing their mouths together.

Later, in the stillness of the early morning, Nathan's arms are
wrapped tightly around him as though he is both protector and captor.
Lying there, Tom thinks no, he isn't free. But neither is Nathan.
Tipping his head a bit, he presses his mouth lightly against Nathan's
lips before falling to sleep.