Credits/Disclaimers: Only the idea is mine, everything else belongs to their respective creators.
The evening sun was dipping ever lower beyond the walls, turning the limited world all shades of crimson. Nightfall would bring sinister crimes within the remnants of humanity in the walls. It would also bring relief to those who had worked hard all day. It was the time of quietness and solitude, time of slipping into the unconsciousness that was dreamless sleep, time when the titans did not walk, time when an alternate life haunted the thoughts of many.
He had lost his father at a young age. At an age where deceit had taken advantage of curiosity - where curiosity had been invoked out of simple innocence. The circle never ended and oddly enough, the victims never learned. Nor did the rest of humanity.
Rendered alone in the world, he had made up his mind to not leave the world alone until he found answers. Introduced to and familiarised with the brutality called life, he sought out the difficult answers that no one seemed to have except for the suicidal Recon Corps and their objectives: the Titans.
So, Erwin chose titans. He would always choose titans. When he was young and curious, he had chosen titans and had been left alone. When he was an adult who had briefly tasted the training academy and all emotions that came along with it, he had chosen titans and had been left solitary. Now, when he was where he needed to be, Commander Erwin Smith of the Reconnaissance Corps had again, chosen titans and had been left isolated – with one arm missing, nonetheless. His friend and comrade, Mike Zacharius, was dead too.
Nile Dawk was alive. Nile had married Marie. In all honesty, he was grateful that he had. Who knows if Marie would have ever felt anything for him? Who knows if he would have ever rejoiced in the joy of marriage and family had he been in Nile's place? Who knows if he would have ever been able to give Marie the attention she deserved? Who knows if he could have had it all?
Life was unpleasant, to say the least. He, personally, had lost enough. There was no logical reason why others should have to share the same fate.
He realises that what he is truly uncomfortable with is that he would never have been able to stop his young self from asking his father those fateful questions or that to him Marie would never have come first. Not before the fate of humanity. Not before his answers. Perhaps that is cold of him and perhaps that is cruel of him. At the same time he knows that it is necessary. It always comes down to these emotions – innocence, curiosity and deceit. Chasing one another – like a dog chases its tail.
He is probably going insane because of all the detailed scheming, hopeless planning and thorough failing. Albeit exhausted, he is not ready to stop. If answers are finally starting to surface, then it is far more important for him to grasp them. It is far more important for him to see to the rewards of the punishments of his life than it is to find solace in the arms of another relationship.
He just does not want to get close to anyone who may be very innocent and an easy prey for deception.
He just does not want to have anyone who may cause his death with pure innocence and curiosity.
He has lived his life once, he just does not want to see it relived.
The sun has set now. A pitch black night is waiting outside to embrace him in nightmares and more thinking assignments. But that is where Erwin is most at home. In the heart of struggle and avant-garde ideas. In the heart of solitary existence.