Disclaimer: I don't own Dynasty Warriors
A/N: Going to write another humor fic. Dedicated to Zhen Ji's TV series Where The Legend Begins. D Going to have fun ruining Cao Pi's ascension to the Imperial throne heheh…Yes, this is Zhen Ji's feelings for Cao Pi, honest!
Zhen Ji's Hangover Before Death
At the bar in Ye….
A group of four were heavily drunk and started talking about many things relate to the new Emperor Cao Pi of Wei, Zhen Ji's egotistic second husband.
Zhen Ji: Hiccup!
Cao Zhi: Luo, take it easy there. Hahaha, you're drinking heavily!
Cao Zhang: Not as heavy as you did Zijian! You were hilarious back when father tried to give you one last chance to be his successor!
Zhen Ji: oh god, that was hilarious. You made fun of Guan Yu right in front of Cao Cao's eyes.
Cao Zhi: I said, "Father, you can kiss that succession and stick it straight up in the Fraud of War's arse!!"
Ding Yi: ROFL!!
Zhen Ji: Fraud of War! HAHAHAHAHAaH
Cao Zhang: Now Zihuan is the successor, but guess what, he sold all the people out by dethroning the Han. He said, he'll bring peace to the people of the land, instead, he gotten booed by the people. Man, you should have seen it, Luo! HAHAHAHA!
Cao Zhi: All my brother want is power for himself. He doesn't care about the people's feelings toward the former dynasty that is recovering from so much wars and rebellions my father plagued.
Ding Yi: If only Xun Yu, Cui Yan, Yang Xiu, Kong Rong, and the other Han loyalist were alive….
All: Poor the Han loyalist in Cao Cao's forces….
Meanwhile at Luo Yang…
Cao Pi: Sima Yi, what the hell is taking so long for Zhenfu to get here?
Sima Yi: I have no idea, your Imperial Highness. Could be, she's having trouble with the predicament.
Cao Pi: Like What?
Sima Yi: Nervous perhaps…
Cao Pi: What is it for her to be nervous of coming here? This is a chance of a life time for her and she's making me wait for days!!
Guardsman: My lord, this letter has arrive from Lady Zhen.
The guardsman gave the Wei Emperor the letter and Cao Pi opens to read it out, however it's not a letter, but a disturbing picture.
Sima Yi: What could it be, my lord?
Cao Pi: This is an exotic painting! Why did she give me this!?
Cao Pi reveals the painting to the audience. It's Zhen Ji in full nude covered with her favorite purple silk with the characters, "Too Hot to be Empress Baby!"
Cao Rui: Wow mom!
Guo Wang wacks the young pervert in the back of the head and cover his eyes.
Sima Yi: That's kind of hot for you, my lord.
Cao Pi: Shut up!
Back in Ye…
Cao Zhi: Oh my god! I can't believe you did that!
Zhen Ji: Yep and he definitely loves it. There are plenty of those on his journal and wrote the poem emphasize my sexiness. He can't resist loving me like he always does since we first met.
Cao Zhang: Wooo, you beat any woman in China with your facial features Luoshen.
Cao Zhang and Ding Yi both give a high five.
Ding Yi: She's too good.
Cao Zhang: Yeah too good for history.
Cao Zhi: Oh I miss my wife Lady Cui….
Cao Zhang: She died so sudden, you have my deepest condolences brother.
Ding Yi: Zijian, why did your brother always ruin your life? If you had succeed, maybe everyone will give you a chance. Though you're not a greed tyrant compare to your brother.
Cao Zhang: I could have attacked the capital, but my father was dead and had not attend a funeral till late.
Cao Zhi: We're the only ones who are the "good guys". Geez, those Han loyalist from Liu Bei should have attacked sooner, but that idiot wants to avenge the Fraud of War.
Zhen Ji: And the people said he's the Man of Virute….
All: Bull!!
Zhen Ji: I'll never free myself from this humiliation…..although, I did enjoy pleasing him faithfully even if I hate it so much from my mind. Leave all the negatives about my husband to myself.
Cao Zhi: Just how many times he gave it to you?
Zhen Ji: Hmmmmm…I lost count.
Back in Luo Yang…
Cao Pi: Is she going to continue living in delusional or is she going to come here and be crowned as my Empress?
Sima Yi: Patient, patient my lord. Nobody gives a damn if she'll be Empress as long as we have the number one most beautiful woman in Three Kingdoms. Not even the Qiaos, Sun Shang Xiang, Xing Cai, Diao Chan, and Yue Ying can beat her.
Cao Pi: I've been wasting my patient for 16 friggin years!! 5 years before watching my father deal with that stupid beast!! Regardless to my father's reputation, I've been waiting for a long time to get someone like my mother and she's across the damn river!! Do you understand?
Sima Yi: Y…yes my lord…!
He whispers to his son Sima Zhao.
Sima Yi: And now my son, that is why you must not seek whores to pursuit your ambitions.
Sima Zhao nodded meanly.
Guo Wang: He's been forgetting about me…hmph.
Back in Ye again…
Zhen Ji: Ahhh…this taste soooo puuurrrfect!
Cao Zhi: HAHAHA Catwoman!
Cao Zhang: Selina Kyle and Zhen Ji are so alike.
Ding Yi: But Catwoman a thief…
Cao Zhi: Your point?
Ding Yi: Well….a thief is a thief. Luoshen hardly done anything a criminal does.
Zhen Ji: She helps Batman many times and even fall in love with him. It's a shame those DC morons ruining her history just like what my husbands Wei historians done to mine.
Cao Zhi: The current Catwoman's origin is being a prostitute. Not saying there's something wrong with that, but her pre crisis origins is almost nothing like the post crisis impersonator. Selina Kyle lived her loneliness before she married her absence husband, but she's supposedly smarter than that incarnation and graduate college. The current never been to college….
Zhen Ji: So here's how my history turned out, I was suppose to be a little girl who proposal a donation. However, one odd thing is when I saw someone on a horse, they input my statement "A woman shouldn't see such things." I was being curious, however I grew an interest in riding a horse and learn a little cavalry from my relatives in the military. All my damned versions of my self misinterpret the historical me. See, Catwoman and I share a lot in common with our torn up history errors.
Cao Zhang: Shall we demand Koei to recon your Dynasty Warriors personality and make you more honesty, true, and loyalty to the people instead of being a woman searching for a perfect man?
Zhen Ji: Did my childhood record even state that I'm searching for a perfect man?! LOL surely my acting in Dynasty Warriors went way off, but Cao Pi and I have became the most perfect couple in the game. Oh, I send that gift for Zihuan, he'll love it. It's kind of western relate….
Cao Zhang, Ding Yi, and Cao Zhi exchange looks wonder what gift she bring for Cao Pi.
Back in Luo Yang again…
Guardsman: My lord, a gift has arrive from Lady Zhen.
A huge object is cover around. It's a form of a statue.
Sima Yi: Could be a statue of sorts.
Cao Pi waved his men to uncover it. The statue reveals the image of Zhen Ji on a horse raising her left hand holding the Imperial Seal along with the Wei flag carried on the right hand and she's nude.
Sima Yi: Roman custom. I could never understand Romans showing their arts with homosexual themes, but this is by far the most insolence display of Chinese arts!!
Everyone is awe of the statue. Guo wang is still covering Cao Rui's eyes, but Cao Rui took a peek on a small made up hold between Guo Wang's two fingers and saw the statue represent his mother's exotic craftiness.
Cao Pi: Someone speak up and explain me if this is suppose to make me proud or depressed? Why the hell is this representing my dynasty?
Cao Zhen: Because you're the best, maybe.
Cao Pi:…….
Back in Ye…
Zhen Ji: Cao Pi always brags about himself being the best.
Cao Zhi: And so in the games, Koei made him the best Cao brother. Zhang and I are still generics, but we might end up with Wu Omege Force personality disorders.
Cao Zhang: If I remembered correct, you're an idiot and I'm a brute. So we'll end up with those personalities if we ever get our own models in Dynasty Warriors.
Zhen Ji: And I'm suppose to scold you guys, right?
The Cao brothers nodded.
Ding Yi: I still have the same portrait in Rot3k games, sigh.
Cao Zhi: You smile too much, Ding Yi.
Ding Yi: Keep a smile into your face at all times. Retrieve the joy of life!
All: Too life!!
They all raise their cups together. Rather live happily than being in the shadow of Cao Pi.
Back in Luo Yang….
The statue is still standing there in the audience. Cao Pi walks around scanning the entire statue wondering what it could mean.
Cao Pi: A nude woman in clay, the Wei flag, and the Imperial Seal! What the hell does it mean?!
None of his ministers wanted to interpret the statue standing before them.
Zhang He: Beauty!!
Sima Yi: Are you serious?
Zhang He: I'm serious. Lady Zhen has given us the gift of the beauty of our Dynasty!
Guo Wang: More like she's insulting our Dynasty as a mock up of her pathetic lifestyle….
Cao Pi:……..
There is really no logical answer to explaining the statue, but it's generalized beauty. Cao Pi returned into his sit and mumbled to himself still holding the seal of Empress in his hands. He has no time for games. This is a serious meeting and she did not show up.
Cao Ren: I strive to fight for the beauty of our country. My lord, lets make this statue as a symbol of our kingdom.
Cao Pi: And make the other kingdoms Shu and Wu laugh at us for this amusement?
Zhang He: But, my lord, it has a sense of nationality. Can't you see, Wei is beautiful!
Cao Pi: ………
Back in Ye….
Cao Zhi: Wei hates me…..
Cao Zhang: Ahhh brother, don't worry. You'll get your chance to show your talents.
Ding Yi: He thinks better than he writes.
Zhen Ji: Mmmhmmm
Ding Yi: He doesn't say "Let your petals bloom beneath me"
Zhen Ji: Too be honest, I take that as a sentiment. Cao Pi and I just met at first sight, it was all a coincidence and I have no idea who the hell he really is until we did the sex. When I met Cao Zhi, I do adore him, but he never put the moves on me unlike his brother. Seems Cao Pi had a bad way to put matters with me.
Cao Zhi: And so did my father, but he got what's coming by Zhang Xiu.
All: LOL Cao!
Zhen Ji: too bad an incident like that didn't happen in Ye. My ex husband was far away dealing with the Xiongnu and abandon me. I do understand he wants me safe from a greater threat.
Cao Zhang: Were you afraid of Cao Pi when you met him face to face next to Lady Liu?
Zhen Ji: I have a reason to be afraid, but I understand the ways of war. If Yuan's loss, I'm going to be executed. I accept my fate before my stepmother reveal me to him. It was all luck after all because of my face, but I'm more worried about Lady Liu and the remaining families than my own life. So what my record show was more biasness. I was afraid of him in the novel, not historically.
Cao Zhang: So, in other words, you're not really afraid of him.
Cao Zhi: I'm afraid of my brother, but still fought him back.
Ding Yi: He brags at Wu. "Does Wu fear Wei?"
Cao Zhang: Hey, it's obvious, we're the greater threat.
They all nodded.
Zhen Ji: I've always listen to all his remarks. He got a huge ego with that guts. Isn't it romantic?
Cao Zhang: I think he's a show off. What happens if he worked with me to fight the Xiongnu? What happens if Ma Chao found him in the battlefield and cut his head off?
Cao Zhi: Hahahahah, Ma Chao! That idiot holler "I fight in the name of Justice!" so many times, just look what happened after the war!
Zhen Ji: I could careless if Cao Pi died in the battlefield….
Cao Zhi: If that happens, then I'll be the successor even if his followers don't like it.
Cao Zhang: Most of his followers are a bunch of greedy people.
Zhen Ji: Want to see me dance for you boys?
Zhen Ji climbed on the table and does a exotic dance for the Cao brothers and Ding Yi.
All: Wooo, go Zhen Ji! Dance for us!!
Back in Luo Yang….
Cao Pi: This statue……
Sima Yi: She can't get away with this harsh present, my lord.
Cao Pi: Gentlemen, we have an embodiment of exotica in my court. What in blaze does this mean to my Imperial monarchy?
Zhang He: It shines throughout the Empire! Cao Pi, she has shown her feelings for you! Please accept the gift!
Cao Pi:……..
Guo Wang: If I hear you say anything good about this statue, I'm going to send you to the torture room!
Zhang He: eeep…yes my lady!
Cao Pi: Idiot….
Sima Yi: Zhang He stop with the absurdity….
Zhang He: But…sigh…
Cao Ren: She's a goddess…
Back in Ye…
Zhen Ji is still dancing on the table while Cao Zhi brought his gin and performs a song for his ladyship.
Zhen Ji: I hope Cao Pi and his followers love the gift I send. Knew this would be the last time I've danced.
Cao Zhi: You will still dance in the afterlife, Luo.
Cao Zhang: We'll never forget your beauty and intelligent sister in law.
Zhen Ji: All men bow before me! I am the Goddess of River Luo!
She continues dancing and drinking for hours until dawn.
Back in Luo Yang on last time…
Cao Pi: I've made my mind up. Send a messenger to the guards in Ye and tell them to escort Zhen Ji to her death. She is sentence to commit suicide.
Sima Yi: Well, that's a wise resolve. You know now it has come to this. She insulted you for ascending the imperial throne. You should no better to have entrust her into your life.
Cao Pi: She gave me a son, a perfect life, a perfect future, and a perfect wealth. Now this statue is all she repay me. Why can't she come over here and congratulate me and accept this title?
Sima Yi: You know how close she is with that idiot Cao Zhi.
Cao Pi: So! That doesn't mean why she disobey me!
Zhang He: Y..you're putting Zhen Ji to death….?
Cao Pi: Do you want to join her?
Zhang He shook his head no and Cao Ren kept his mouth shut. Any further questioning will result the penalty.
Guo Wang: You know, she's complaining that Cao Rui should have been Yuan Xi's son.
Cao Pi: That's the most bullcrap I ever heard!! Yuan Xi has no brain to bear her a child!
A few days later, Zhen Ji was escorted by guards to the river where she sentenced to death by drowning. Surprisingly, she have no regrets.