Sister Julienne raised her head to the clock that sat on the mantelpiece. Engulfed in rotas and archiving medical records she had not noticed the time as the gilded hands crept closer and closer to midnight.
"Oh dear" she muttered to herself, focussing through dry, tired eyes, and realising just how long she had been holed up in her office. "Three minutes to twelve…" she sighed. The Sister twisted her neck and shoulders, just gently, trying to force away the stiffness that had built up as she leant over the desk writing for what had been hours now. She exhaled audibly and reached across the desk; the glass of water warm and unpleasant as it touched her lips.
'Tea, perhaps tea and perhaps a slice of Battenberg' she thought as she opened the office door to find Nonnatus' corridors quiet. 'Assuming there is any left that is!' she continued with a wry smile. It was indeed rather unearthly tonight; the telephone had rung but the calls had been few and far between, and if she was being honest Sister Julienne was pleased. It had been a disturbing few weeks that had filled the walls of Nonnatus with worry but now, it seemed, life was returning to normal.
She walked carefully along the main corridor towards the kitchen, seeing the glowing moon peak through the high windows casting light into her path as she turned the corner past the chapel. A noise caused her to hesitate and she stopped stock still, just by the Chapel door. Unsure what she heard; because it sounded like someone struggling to contain their tears, she waited a moment or two and sure enough the noise came again. In the midst of indecision, the Sister wondered whether she should interfere. Whoever it was they were in the Chapel at almost midnight, clearly thinking that they may have the opportunity to be alone with their thoughts. She paused again before deciding that she simply couldn't leave whoever it was like this; upset about something and if nothing else in need of someone to talk to.
Sister Julienne stepped into the chapel doorway and saw the outline of a figure, huddled up against the wall with arms held tight across their body and wrapped in a blue dressing gown.
"Nurse Browne?" Sister Julienne whispered, careful of frightening her or making her jump. Quickly, she saw the nurse swipe her tears away and sit up straight.
"What-ho Sister" Chummy replied, not even having the strength to hide the sadness in her tired voice.
"I don't believe you are duty tonight". The Sister knew it was not intended as a question as she stepped carefully closer.
The Nurse smiled weakly and only for a second or two caught her eye. "No, Sister. One couldn't sleep properly and it's awfully quiet tonight".
"That I would not disagree with" Sister Julienne responded before she sat down. The poor girl's eyes were so red and swollen. Who knows how long she had been there unnoticed until her chance want of some sustenance called her?
"Did you wave your Mother off?" the Sister asked, not wanting to dive in straight away and ask the pertinent questions that were on the tip of her tongue as she sensed she may need to employ some tact. She had seen too many tears from this girl recently.
"Yes Sister" Chummy replied, memories too fresh of her mother's icy greeting and the strained visit to the dressmaker. "Only to my guardian in Cornwall for a few days though".
"And is she coming back for the wedding?" It was a question that Sister Julienne was not sure of the answer but it has embedded itself in her mind and it needed asking.
"She says so" Chummy responded, pulling her dressing gown tighter across her body, "but one really doesn't know for certain...if she will" she added quickly.
"Well, come what may Nurse, it is your day. Yours and Constable Noakes' day. That is the most important thing" Sister Julienne replied.
"Yes, it is…" she responded hesitantly. Of course it was her and Peter's day and nothing on earth would stop it this time, but she was still her Mother and every bride should have their mother there. Shouldn't they?
"Whatever her decision may be Nurse, just remember that we will be there" Sister Julienne continued, wanting to comfort her in any way possible, "and so will half of the Poplar police force if I am not mistaken!"
Chummy smiled, feeling an errant tear tumble down her cheek. "He's invited all of his shift and a few more. He did mention the Inspector may be coming. His Sergeants are and their wives". She had already had images of one side of the chapel just a sea of navy blue uniforms and shining buttons and Peter had done nothing to dispel it.
"Speaking of Constable Noakes, I have to say I have not seen him for a few days. I presume he is well?" Sister Julienne asked.
"Yes Sister" Chummy replied. She'd not seen him due to his blessed shifts since the hours before her last visit with her Mother and the pep talk that he had given her. Lord, she needed to see him! "I'd even go as far to say full of the joys of Spring even".
"I sense a 'but' Nurse?" Sister Julienne stated, carefully wrapping one hand in the other, making herself comfortable.
Chummy shook her head to clear her mind. "No, not at all Sister. No but…" She swallowed carefully, words stuck in her throat. "Certainly not for Peter, no. The guilt overwhelms me, not him".
"Guilt?" Sister Julienne replied, quite surprised. "You have nothing to be guilty for. A lovely wedding planned and your whole life ahead of you…You have done nothing wrong to warrant any feelings of that nature…."
Chummy nodded carefully; the words simply not coming for her to explain herself and the Sister could not miss it.
"Perhaps I have a 'but' instead Nurse" Sister Julienne continued, choosing her words carefully. "I do have to ask with all of that to look forward to; I am concerned I find you in the Chapel this time of night. Upset".
"I came in here to ask for forgiveness" Chummy said quickly, eyes wandering upwards to the ornate stained glass windows that overlooked the altar; the place where she had almost fallen to her knees. "To ask if He would forgive me".
"I have to say I am confused" Sister Julienne noted, forehead creasing as she listened. "I know your mother has not taken to the situation well…"
"It's not about my mother. Not directly" Chummy replied, her words coming out in carefully considered steps. "Perhaps one told her something that on reflection one should not have done but it is not the underlying cause …." She had in truth been caught up in the moment when she told her mother that piece of news and when she met her days later her mother could not even bring herself to mention Peter's name. He wasn't even 'The Constable' that day; he was just 'him' or 'that man'.
"Then what do you need forgiveness for Nurse?" the Sister asked.
Chummy went to say something and stopped, thinking her words through; what words to selectively choose. "When I spoke to my mother to arrange the dress fitting, I told her something…..something I shouldn't and she could barely look at me…but it's not that per se. It's what I told her…."
"Well if it assists Nurse, you can tell me" Sister Julienne replied. "You know it will not leave these walls".
"One is not sure what you might think of me Sister".
"I cannot form a conclusion until I know what is troubling you". The Sister had a valid point and one which Chummy could have no argument against, but was this something you told someone who was in fact your employer? Someone who was in fact, a Nun? She did need to speak to someone though otherwise all of these feelings would simply continue to rotate around her head and poison her until she could find the strength to pardon herself and only the Lord know when that was.
"Peter and I….." she began, feeling the flush rise and hoping the Sister had not seen it in the darkness. "Before he asked me to marry him….we…we were, have been…" she stuttered feeling her heart race and a cold sweat washed over her. "Peter and I….we have been intimate and I told her that". She wasn't going to add that it was very much more than once too.
"Ah" Sister Julienne responded, thinking over what the Nurse had said and wondering if she meant what she had just said. "Intimate can mean a number of things Nurse. Perhaps your mother misunderstood you".
"No Sister" Chummy replied, casting her eyes downwards in shame, not daring to look at the Sister. "She didn't misunderstand me. I made it more than clear to her what I meant.…Intimate in the true meaning of the word".
"So, do I then presume you are not….intact?" Sister Julienne asked directly, seeing the fact that Chummy was pulling at the skin on the back of her hand; causing it to go quite red.
Chummy shook her head and let the tears fall again. "I love him Sister I really do and he put no pressure on me whatsoever, in fact far from it, but it was wrong Sister. I was weak and I have broken so many promises. To myself, to God…."
"The Lord has brought you and Constable Noakes together Nurse. He has seen fit for you to find each other and seen fit for you to have the strength to say yes to his proposal in spite of opposition. To commit yourself to one other, knowing it will be for the rest of your life takes insight itself…" Sister Julienne assured her.
"Was I wrong Sister?" Chummy asked. Was it acceptable to behave this way even with a man she loved with all her heart?
"That is not a question I can answer Nurse", Sister Julienne replied. "I am not and will never be about to commit myself to anything more than the life I already follow". Sister Julienne paused. "What does your heart say?"
"I am going to marry him really rather shortly and what difference does five weeks make?"
"What does your head say?"
"The same Sister" Chummy replied.
"Then I think you have your answer. I know that society tells all you young girls to preserve yourselves until you marry.…but you have committed yourself to him far beyond the physical act". A thought suddenly struck the Sister. "Has he said anything that would make you concerned?" Perhaps, even accidentally the Constable had said something that caused her to question herself.
Chummy shook her head. She could tell that he had thought about it, resisting her plea at first to find herself in his bed, even if that opposition had been ultimately token when he realised how determined she was; when he realised how much she needed this, perhaps though not realising just how much it would haunt her. "It will only ever be him Sister".
"Then you cannot be accused of being free with your favours Nurse".
Chummy nodded. "My mother wants more than Peter for me. Knowing what I grew up with I can see that and I can even see why she feels the way she does, but all one ever wanted is here. Not a grand house or a vast garden or a car; just Peter".
"And taking all matters into account Nurse", Sister Julienne replied, "your familiarity with him means that your mother has no choice but to sit in the wings and accept the marriage".
"I did think of that Sister. Afterwards, it occurred to me. It wasn't planned, honestly Sister, to force her hand. I never intended that" Chummy replied, trying to impress how much of the truth that was. It had never crossed her mind that her mother might find herself compromised.
"I do not believe for one moment Nurse that you, or indeed Constable Noakes, are sufficiently devious for that to be true. You are beyond, well beyond, an age where you can consent, you are engaged now and all of us can see that he loves you so very much".
"I know he does" Chummy replied. In some ways that was the problem. He had agreed through love for her and wanting to make her happy; but she was the one living with the remorse in response.
"And moreoever I might add, respects you too" Sister Julienne added.
"More than anyone ever has" she replied. Perhaps that was even more true.
"I would be more concerned if he was a fly by night or a chancer Nurse, but he isn't and I am grateful for that" the Sister carried on. "I have known him since he was a teenager and I know his parents never had an ounce of trouble from him".
"Sister?" Chummy asked, feeling tears come again at the mention of his family. "My father will not give us his blessing. Will you?"
"You wish me to give my blessing to the union?"
Chummy nodded, pulling her handkerchief from her sleeve and dabbing it to her cheeks. "I have no-one else. Peter's Ma and Pa are overjoyed, but it's not the same….you, Sister Evangelina, all the girls…..you are the closet I have to family now and it's important to me that you like Peter…".
"We do"
"And it is so very important to me that somebody somewhere…that someone just freely accepts that I have all I want".
Sister Julienne took up the Nurse's hands in hers and Chummy looked up at last. "Then Camilla, you and Peter, have my utmost support and whilst I do not in any circumstance whatsoever condone intimacies outside of marriage, you do indeed have my blessing" she concluded, seeing the tentative smile. "Nonnatus will take care of you always. Whatever happens, wherever you may go; if you do go to Sierra Leone one of these days, you can always come back here. Both of you. We will be your home".
Chummy pushed her lips together to stop herself crying even more. "And for your decision, you must forgive yourself first. God recognises love and so do I but above all, forgiveness is the very essence of faith. You cannot have it without giving it yourself. You should not forget that Nurse".
"I must forgive my mother too. And Pa".
"You must and in time you will be able to", Sister Julienne noted.
"But I can't do it now Sister. This is supposed the best day of my life and neither of them are going to support me. I wrote and told my brothers but none of them have answered", she replied sadly. Just one letter from one of her brothers, or even one of their wives. Just something; an acknowledgement; a single letter wishing her and her new husband well. That was all.
"God will take care of matters otherwise. Let us worry about the here and now". Chummy sniffled back more tears. "And I will not be discussing this conversation with anyone but you Nurse. It is private, between us".
"Thank you Sister".
"Remember, every single person on this planet has made choices that later they wonder if they were right, but what is past is past, what's done is done. You have the comfort of knowing you have such a wonderful place to go.…yes?"
"Yes Sister…" she replied. "Such a wonderful place".
"Then there you have it. I am sure that if you ask Him, He will forgive, but for once in this world, you have to start with yourself. Forgive yourself, otherwise no-one else can, not even Him" Sister Julienne conclude, pointing briefly at the figure on the cross that adorned the altar. "Do you feel as though you can sleep?" she asked, seeing a single careful nod of the Nurse's head as she swallowed again. "Then I will leave you, but I do not expect you to be still here when I get back from the kitchen".
"One won't be" Chummy replied, watching the Sister intently as she walked away before she turned her head back towards the altar and the moonlight that caught the dust as it circled.
She took a deep breath as she stood up, stretching limbs that had been curled into her seat for however long it had been now. "He does love me" she whispered, "and I am the author of my own misfortune but I cannot live my life in contrition for love. So many things I am told are shameful; things he tells me are normal to feel yet why do I feel such self-reproach for finally making a choice of my own?"
Chummy looked down again. She knew the answer herself without His response.
"Because no-one before has loved me...and I still don't understand why..."