midnight thoughts

A/N: Prompts are included at the end :) Enjoy!

Lily wakes up thinking she's drowning.

Everything is dark and she's burning hot and she's freezing cold and she's sinking, sinking and thrashing in a heap of smothering blankets and a mattress and suffocating curtains. The sound of thunder booms in her ears and she can feel the vibrations in her bones and she's trembling, grasping for something to hold onto but finding nothing but empty air.

It takes a long, terrifying moment to get her bearings- to realize that she's not out at sea but in the Gryffindor girls' dormitory, safe and protected in her own bed.

Shakily, Lily pushes herself into a sitting position, her locks of crimson hair spilling over her bare shoulders. She stares, wide-eyed, into the darkness of the room; she can barely make out the sleeping outlines of the other girls, blissfully unaware of her nightmares.

Outside the window, the sky is dark and sheets of rain slash against the glass panes.

Again, there's a rumble of thunder and Lily shivers.

She slides out of bed, her skin immediately prickling with goosebumps at the loss of the warmth of her blankets. She kneels on the floor, feeling around with her hands until they close on the latch of her trunk. Reaching inside, she pulls out the first sweater she grabs hold of and tugs it over her thin nightgown.

Instantly warmer, Lily snatches her wand from beneath her pillow and slides it up her sleeve. Then, barefoot, she tiptoes across the dormitory and slips out the door.

The moment she's standing in the dim orange light of the spiral staircase leading down into the common room, something eases inside her chest. She makes her way down the stairs, heading for one of the armchairs by the fire- she'll be able to sleep better if she's curled up by the light, she reasons.

But when she steps off the last stair and enters the common room, the couches closest to the crackling fireplace are taken.

The first person she sees is Remus Lupin, one of her absolute closest friends, sleeping peacefully with his head resting on Sirius Black's shoulder. Somehow, in sleep, the pale scars lining his slender face- scars he still hasn't told Lily how he's gotten- seem less prominent, and it makes him look less… anxious. Stressed.

Lily's gaze darts to Sirius Black, who also seems to be fast asleep, despite Remus leaning on him. Lily can't tell for sure, though, because his long dark hair is hanging in front of his eyes.

And then Lily's gaze jumps to the third person on the couch, splayed horizontally across the cushions. The scowl that appears on her face is automatic, and she's about to tell James Potter that she's not in the mood for any of his love-struck confessions when she realizes that he, too, is sleeping; his round glasses are slightly askew across the bridge of his nose, his black hair is its usual utter mess, and his hands are hidden by the sleeves of his crimson sweater.

When he's not opening his big mouth to say something obnoxious, Lily thinks, he actually isn't so bad-looking.

The moment the thought pops into her mind, she flushes a dark crimson. This is James Potter. She hates him. She's certainly not supposed to think he's good-looking.

"I hope the thoughts you're having about my best friend are nothing but honorable," a voice says smoothly.

Lily startles, nearly tripping over her own feet as she turns to the source of the voice. It seems like Sirius Black isn't asleep after all- his silver-grey eyes are boring into her own.

Lily snaps her gaping mouth shut and schools her features into a haughty glare. "Sirius," she says, punctuating the word with an eye-roll.

"Hello, Evans," Sirius says with a lazy smirk. Remus shifts slightly on his shoulder, sandy hair falling across his face.

"What are you doing down here so late?" Lily asks, not knowing how else to change the subject. She crosses her arms tightly across her chest; despite the amber glow emanating off the crackling flames in the hearth, she's still a bit chilly.

"We're planning a surprise birthday present for Peter," Sirius replies, and Lily's surprised that she actually got an honest answer out of him. "But then Prongs and Moony, here, fell asleep."

Lily wrinkles her nose at the childish nicknames. Prongs and Moony, of all things. Where did Sirius even come up with this stuff?

"What are you doing up at this hour?" Sirius counters, arching an eyebrow. Lily can't help but feel slightly jealous- she's always wanted to be able to lift an eyebrow like that.

"I couldn't sleep," she answers shortly, averting her eyes and at the same time wondering why she's bothering to reply to Sirius Black, of all people. All he does is encourage James in ruining her life, after all.

As if he knows what she's thinking, Sirius's eyes narrow. "You don't deserve James, you know," he blurts accusingly, almost without thinking.

Lily blinks. She hadn't been expecting that, and it takes a moment for the words to sink in, but when they do, she's surprised at the pang of hurt she feels in her chest.

"I mean it," Sirius continues, silvery eyes flashing. He can't seem to stop himself from talking. "He loves you. Actual love. And all you do is pretend like you're too good for him."

Lily opens her mouth to speak- to defend herself, to deny Sirius's accusations- but no words come out. Is that really how she comes off? Stuck-up and selfish?

"He doesn't love me," she finally manages. "That's ridiculous. We're fifteen."

Sirius rolls his eyes. "You're ridiculous, Evans. You're not as great as you think you are, despite what James and Remus think."

Once again, it feels like someone's taken a knife to her heart.

You're not as great as you think you are.

Thunder rumbles outside the castle and Lily feels it in her soul- the same way she feels those words, those words that Petunia screamed at her last summer.

It had been raining then, too.

Suddenly, Lily's face is wet and she realizes she's crying. Sirius stiffens slightly and Remus slips off his shoulder, falling comfortably down onto the couch cushions.

Lily's shaking again. She's shaking so hard and she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to stop. The tears are flowing and the carpet is hot beneath her feet and her knees are like jelly and she doesn't even know how she's standing anymore.

Then there's a hand on her shoulder, a steadying hand, and when she looks up, she can make out Sirius's face through her watery vision.

"I'm sorry, Evans," he's saying, worry making his eyebrows crease. "I- I went too far, I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my friends, I'm sorry, it came out much harsher than I meant it to, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"

At least he apologizes.

Petunia hadn't.

Lily sinks slowly to the floor, crumpling to her knees. Sirius is still holding her shoulder tightly and he kneels right beside her.

Lily can't hear what he's saying through the roaring in her ears. She doesn't care if Sirius Black hates her, she really doesn't- his opinion means nothing. They aren't even friends.

Somehow, though, it's like he's proving what Petunia said all along.

You're not as great as you think you are, you freak.

"My sister," Lily forces past her trembling lips. "My sister hates me, too."

"I'm sure she doesn't hate you," Sirius says soothingly, pulling her in for an awkward embrace. Lily's face is crushed into his sharp collarbone, but she doesn't care. She can feel the warmth radiating from beneath his shirt.

It's nice to be hugged.

"I can't sleep," Lily confesses into the fabric of his shirt. "I always have nightmares, all the time. I had them when I was little, too, but Petunia always used to be there to hold my hand. Now I have nobody, and the nightmares keep coming, and I don't know what to do. She doesn't even love me anymore. She doesn't even love me."

The words pour out of her in a waterfall, and each one rings with the terrible truth.

Her older sister- the one person she always thought would always be there for her- couldn't care less about her.

It hurts. It hurts so, so much.

"You know," Sirius says, and his voice is slightly muffled by her hair, "I can never sleep either."

Lily hiccups, tears beginning to subside. "Nightmares? Family issues? Just general insomnia?"

Sirius laughs softly. "More like… a combination of all three."

Lily nods into his shoulder. She kind of likes this; likes the way that Sirius doesn't expect perfection from her because they aren't friends; likes the way she doesn't have to make eye-contact when she speaks; likes the way she's unleashing all these feelings she's kept bottled up for months.

They stay silent for another moment and then Sirius pulls away, awkwardly patting her hair. He sits back on his heels and they stare at each other for a second.

"I couldn't hug you for any longer or it would be a betrayal to James," Sirius explains, rubbing the back of her neck.

Lily smiles shakily and sniffs. She appreciates his attempt at humor, at least, and she's done crying.

"Anyway," Sirius continues, "when you have nightmares, you can just… I don't know… come down to the common room, or something. I'm usually down here. And we can… we can not-sleep together."

Lily's smile widens, just a bit. "Thanks."

Sirius grins back at her. "No problem, Evans."

Outside, Lily can hear the sounds of the storm grow quieter, like the rain is ending and the stars are finally coming out.

HPFC

Shay's Epic Board Game Challenge - Entdecke - "Write about something that changes a lot."

Hogwarts

Assignment #4 - Biosciences #2 - "Write about someone with insomnia."

Writing Club - Liza's Character Appreciation - "6. (house) Gryffindor."

Writing Club - Bex's Disney Challenge - "Songs ; That's What Friends Are For ; Write a friendship story."

Writing Club - Lizzy's Lyric Alley - "14. I do not deserve."

Summer Seasonal Challenges - Gryffindor-Themed - "Characters ; Lily Evans."

QLFC Season 6

Seeker: Appleby Arrows - Round 9 (I Am Woman) - "Lily Evans/Potter."

The Golden Snitch

Centaurus, Aurora - Through the Universe Challenge - "112. Molecular Cloud - (color) cream."