Author's Note: Listen to Painful Incident during this. You won't regret it but you may feel sad. Oh and warning for some violence? Like a punch...it's cool we cool.

To Hold And Never Let Go

If I were ordinary then I wouldn't have had to leave anyone behind.

The starting block was the first place Haru had ever felt loneliness. It forever remains a staple of the type of solitude he's never known to be so paralyzing.

You see, there's a difference. In the way it looks, acts, feels. There's solitude. Sitting in a warm or cold or doesn't even matter bath with just your thoughts and ideas and memories. It's an escape and it isn't happy or sad but just a still in time, like ice cubes floating in a glass.

Then there is loneliness. A completely different type of moment. It's isolating and though Haru had had moments that were dark—like the days without Rin—those moments had always had the quivering shape of the sun high above the water's shifting surface. It poured rays in like beams, and Haru knew there would be a hand there waiting to grasp his.

Haru stares at the water from his place on the starting block coldly. And sadly, he wonders how he has grown so cold towards water. He closes his eyes and imagines how easy it was to carve himself an opening; the water waiting for him. But now...the water is a huge, vast, discomforting body that makes Haru feel like crawling into a corner; safe and tucked away.

The buoys between lanes bob and Haru hears the whistle blow in its brisk alert that the race is about to start. Haru takes this time to bend his spine and gripping the edge of the platform by his toes. His eyes glance to each side of him at the unfamiliar forms and he sighs. Again, he looks straight ahead, and the vast body stretches into an infinite limit before him as he remembers.

Makoto stood on the stairs to Haru's home. He was a few steps above him, staring down at Haru with this look in his eyes that clearly read 'Help.' He didn't understand why this was all happening so suddenly. They still had the rest of the semester to make a decision. Why was Haru doing this now?

Haru looked at Makoto with his eyes wide, mouth open in silent whispers that say I cannot be there. I need to carve my own path. Create an opening. And dive.

"I support your decision, Haru-chan."

Haru flinched. "Drop the chan. This is serious, Makoto." His brow twitched in irritation and he looked to the side, ashamed to have let any sort of anger peak through his cold exterior. He wasn't angry at Makoto. Would Makoto know that though?

When Haru looked away, Makoto frowned. His eyes dropping to the few steps between them that felt as distant as miles. "Sorry, Haru."

There was a tense silence. A silence that pressed them apart. How many miles had they walked together in peaceful, understanding silence and everything was right? And yet that one moment of quiet was brimming with questions and fear and uncertainty.

"I'm not surprised. After our race...I already knew. Your special, Haru. No one can beat you in the water. Certainly not me. It's why I can't follow you. I know that."

Haru shook his head. "What are you talking about? You're fast too."

"But I'm not the best."

"Since when has that mattered? Why do you want to compete me so badly?"

It was at that moment that Makoto stepped forward and Haru remembered how difficult it looked for him to cross that space between them. "Haru..." he said his name, his voice deepening as his hair fell over his bedroom eyes, now tense, crinkled at the corners. Haru looked up at him, neck craning back. He remembered every detail because it was the first and last time Makoto had ever made Haru feel that intensity that Rin made him feel.

"Makoto." Haru inhaled deeply; Makoto smelled like chlorine and laundry detergent, and in that moment Haru wanted to bury his nose into his chest and wrap his arms around him. But he couldn't move.

"That's not why I've decided to leave," Haru said, his face falling. If that was what Makoto thought...that Haru only wanted to join the competitive world of swimming so he could win...

"It's because swimming competitively has made you free. I know that, Haru." The look on Makoto's face made Haru clutch painfully at his chest, squeeze. It hurt in ways Haru had never experienced. It was stronger than any physical pain. It was what it feels like to break. "Swimming with Rin gives you something swimming with us doesn't."

Haru turned his head away. Makoto knew him so well it was frightening. Even when Haru kept quiet. And that silence was because of his fear of hurting those he cared about. His thoughts were cold sometimes. If Makoto knew how much Rin meant to Haru...how much swimming with Rin meant to Haru...

Well, he supposed he was seeing it now. And it was like Haru could see those passing silhouettes in his expression. That same pain and fear of being left alone by someone you cared about. Without Haru around, Makoto would be alone at the pier, watching as men walked past but not the man he was looking for. And Haru wasn't there to let Makoto grab his hand for support. Haru would focused on his own path.

"It's not like that." He looked back, saw the way Makoto stared at him with undivided attention as usual. "What about you?"

"I don't know. I swim because I want to swim with you. Without you, everything might go-"

"Go dark," Haru finished for him. It was the same way he had felt without Rin in his life. He looked at Makoto with wide eyes, his mouth dropped. Everything began to piece together and though Makoto was smiling, he knew there was something else entirely hiding behind that expression. "I can't save you." Haru said it and immediately he felt himself go cold. Guilt warped inside him because no matter how much he cared about Makoto, he couldn't be the one to hold out his hand when Makoto needed him. Not always. Not like Makoto would.

"I know." Makoto still smiled and Haru narrowed his eyes. Why did he always have to be smiling like nothing was ever wrong? Like Haru's honesty didn't hurt? "You were always special, Haru-chan."

The memory of Makoto's sad smile dissolved like melting oil on a canvas and Haru wished he could hold onto a little bit longer but-

The starting gun goes off, that familiar sound, and Haru dives with his arms pointed straight in the water. His stomach is heavy with a sickening feeling but its forgotten as soon as he feels the unwelcoming chill of the water.

They cheer for him in the stands, but they are strangers who only know him from the brief answers he gives to nosy journalists. They know him for his trophies, his awards, his records. But they don't know him, can't possibly. And Haru wonders why he gave up the jubilant cheers of his best friends to that roaring animal up there that he fears.

There's the sounds, distorted every time his ear sinks beneath the surface. Its that familiar rushing sound underneath the water that sounds like danger swimming underneath. His chest clenches and he's not sure if its because of the toll of swimming or the sudden flood of more recent painful memories he gets when he catches a peak of the lane next to him and sees a glimpse of red hair. It isn't Rin though. It can't be because...

"Rin..." Haru stared, horrified. Rin wiped at his eyes with the back of his arm, teeth gritted. He took his other hand, formed a fist, slammed it straight into Haru's jaw before he could have time to move.

Haru fell against the locker room floor, bare skin hitting the floor. He clutched his heated jaw with one hand, stared up at Rin. Tried not to be afraid of the way his friend's eyes had darkened so exceptionally so when he stared down at him.

"You ruined my life, Nanase. My dream!" Rin stood there with his shoulders, tense and rising heavily, his hands balled into fists at his side. There were veins pressed against his skin, his hair fallen into his eyes like a bleeding crown.

Haru had never meant to cause so much pain.

"You think you're so great in the water. Everyone thinks your so great." Rin slammed his fist into the locker, denting it with a loud bang that echoed the empty locker rooms.

Haru pushed away with the heels of his feet, putting some distance between them before he stood up, a bit wobbly on his feet. He watched Rin with a confused, careful stare. If Rin made a move again, Haru would be ready.

"I just swim. That's it."

"And that's what pisses me off, Nanase!" Rin ran his hand through his hair to try and smooth it back. "This is my dream. I'll never be able to make my father proud with you standing in my way time and time again."

"Back at Iwatobi-" Haru tried to remind Rin of all the time they spent growing together, learning from each other about what it meant to swim. To be free.

"Those were stupid swim clubs. This is my career. Torn away from me by someone who doesn't even want to win." Rin scoffed, looking down at Haru in a disgusted way because he couldn't direct that own look back upon himself. "I wish I had never came back to Iwatobi. Then you would have still been the stubborn idiot you always were. Talking about how swimming-"

"Makes me free. That's all I want." Haru narrowed his eyes, pushing away the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. That's all he had wanted. So why had his wants caused so much pain? First Nagisa, Rei and Makoto, now Rin too? He had lost everything and Rin walked away from him, Haru felt the world drip away and he turned-

-with a strong kick of his legs. The turn is smooth and Haru is leagues ahead of the other swimmers. No matter how fast they may be, no matter how experienced they were, it seems Haru is always one step ahead. He's special, unique, the best in the water. Haru wonders why. If he had just been born ordinary then he wouldn't have had to leave anyone behind.

And he wouldn't be alone.

He stretches his arm out and taps the edge of the pool. He doesn't have to look because he knows he came out first. The crowed goes wild, his fans cheering his name. And he leans against the wall, catching his breath until he can't feel his heart anymore.

He pulls his cap from his hair and looks up. He's done. He's tired. And he misses someone being there to help him up.

He hasn't visited his home town in years. He left and never looked back. At the time, swimming had come first. That feeling of being Free was something that Haru mistook for tangible. Something he could grasp onto with his outstretched hand. A place. A moment. Standing atop the pedestal in front of a huge Olympic pool.

But as the trees and orange sunset sky passed by him, Haru felt at peace. This was solitude. Farther and father from that freedom Haru had wanted so badly.

Haru waits. It isn't long before the door opens and Haru looks up with a red tint on his cheeks and his eyes wide in nervousness. His heart is pounding when he sees him.

Makoto. He hasn't seen him since the summer after Graduation.

When Makoto sees him he blinks, eyes wide, mouth pursed in shock. And then he just smiles like he always has. "Haru..." says his name in the way he had missed all these years.

And Haru thinks that maybe he had spent too long chasing freedom, when what he was really looking for was home.