The Murder of Liane Cartman

By Shadowgate

…

It was a dark cold day in South Park. Lunch and recess came to an end for the fourth grade students. They took their seats in Mister Garrison's room.

Mister Garrison began his lesson on the human eye.

As Mister Garrison talked about the parts of the human eye and went on to how in detail it is connected to the brain Kyle Broflavski walked into the class.

Mister Garrison asked "Kyle why are you late?"

Kyle answered "I had really bad diarrhea after recess. It hit me like that."

Mister Garrison asked Kyle if he had a note from the school nurse and Kyle said no. Mister Garrison said "well I'm sorry that you went through all that painful diarrhea and it hurts me to have to do this but no note means detention."

Kyle nodded and said "I understand."

Kyle took his seat and Stan looked at him. "Are you okay?" Stan whispered.

Kyle answered "yes let's talk after class."

At 3PM the final bell rings and the kids all head home. Cartman said to Stan and Kenny "meet me at my house and we'll play X-Box I got the new game "Shoot up Your Community." It's awesome you can get all sorts of great weapons and kill at will."

Kenny said "woo hoo."

Stan said "we'll meet you there after we check in with our parents."

10 minutes after all the kids got home sirens were heard blaring. Police cars were seen coming along with an ambulance.

Stan's cell phone rang. It was Butters.

Stan answered "hello Butters."

Butters said "Stan Eric Cartman went home from school today and found his mother murdered."

Stan yelled "WHAT? BUTTERS ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?"

Butters replied "you hear all those police sirens Stan? Cartman called me first after he called 911."

Stan said "HOLY SHIT!"

Stan's parents and his sister came out and Sharon wanted to know "Stanly why were you cussing?"

Stan answered "I just found out Eric Cartman's mom was killed."

Stan and his family rushed to Cartman's house.

Cartman was seen sitting on his front steps crying. The Broflaskis held Kyle and Ike.

Craig and Clyde stood beside each other in shock. Token walked up to them and said "I got here before you guys did. Word is she was beheaded."

Craig and Clyde take a deep breath at the same time and let it out.

Clyde said "losing your mother is a hard thing to deal with in childhood and Cartman didn't deserve this even if he's the biggest asshole in South Park."

Craig said "you're right Clyde."

The police chief announced "we will be bringing the body out soon to be taken to the coroner's office."

Laura Tucker said "Craig."

Craig looked over and said "mom I didn't know you were coming over here."

Laura said "the whole town is over here."

Clyde said "my dad is at work and my mom's already dead."

Laura said "Craig come over here now and Clyde I know I'm not your mother but I ask that you cover your eyes now."

Craig walks over to his mother and she covers his eyes.

Shelly said "Stan let me cover your eyes I hear them coming with the body."

Stan said "the body will be covered."

Shelly snapped "DON'T ARGUE!"

Shelly put her hands around Stan's eyes.

After the body was loaded on to the ambulance and driven away Shelly took her hands off Stan's eyes.

Stan said "thank you Shelly."

Randy Marsh asked "who the hell could have done this?"

Sharon said "we may have a serial killer in South Park."

LATER THAT NIGHT AFTER THE MARSH FAMILY FINISHED DINNER STAN HAD KYLE UP IN HIS ROOM TO VISIT!

They both sat drinking root beer floats.

Stan said "I'd been meaning to ask you Kyle are you sick? For diarrhea to have hit you just after recess is a guaranteed sign of food poisoning."

Kyle said "I guess today's school lunch didn't agree with me."

Stan said "nobody else got sick. Furthermore you showed no signs of gas pains in the cafeteria or on the playground."

Kyle said "well good thing I didn't show those pains in front of you. I mean I wouldn't want you to worry."

Stan said "I'd do what I could to help you."

Kyle said "well with diarrhea I mean if I have it how would you help me? It's something I'd have to crap out myself and wipe myself."

Stan said "well what I mean is after you were done with business I'd walk you to the school nurse."

Kyle replied "that's a nice thought on your part but I'm pretty big so I could have gotten to the nurse on my own."

Stan said "well too bad you didn't because now you have detention."

Kyle said "well I'm not worried about that detention because right now Cartman needs our support. I know he's not a person with a conscience but he sure didn't deserve this. He showed me sympathy when my brother turned on me so I'll show him sympathy in his time of need."

Stan said I've invited Kenny over and he should be here soon.

Kyle said "cool but hey do you know where Cartman is?"

Stan said "he's at the hospital. They've drugged him to calm him down, that's what I my parents informed him of because legally they're now his temporary guardians."

Kyle nodded.

There was a knock on the door and Stan said "come in."

Mysterion entered.

Kyle said "oh hey Kenny looks like you're ready to seek out a criminal."

Mysterion said "yes Kyle as you know there was a horrific murder in our town."

Stan said "what info did you get from the police Kenny?"

Mysterion said "dozens of known ex-boyfriends had alibis as well as lack of motive. Plus the fact that she was not raped and just beheaded rules out a sexual predator. Also the killer left the sword at the crime scene. No fingerprints could be identified though."

Kyle said "well this is a strange murder."

Stan said "well Kenny upon hearing the info that ex-lovers, and sexual predators have been ruled out and the murder weapon was left at the scene I can now say I believe I can identify the killer."

Mysterion said "what? How? If you know who did and you can prove it you should go to the police."

Stan said "I don't want to prove it but I may very well succeed. Kyle this is going to hurt both of us but even if I'm wrong understand I had probable cause."

Kyle asked "probable cause for what?"

Stan said "Mysterion the killer stands among us and I can prove it."

Kyle yelled "WHAT THE FUCK!"

Mysterion said "are you serious Stan?"

Stan nodded and Mysterion said "I've got a pair of handcuffs right here Stan so if you're serious then go for it."

Kyle said "well Mysterion you can keep both your hands and your handcuffs to yourself. Stan will owe me a very big apology."

Stan said "you showed up to class late after lunch and recess. You said you had diarrhea. You showed no signs of illness on the playground. Had you gotten diarrhea from food poisoning from the lunch you ate in the cafeteria how come nobody else did? Also if you were really sick why didn't you go to the school nurse as soon as you could and explain that you'd been in the bathroom after recess with a bad case of diarrhea? If you'd done that the nurse would have still noticed signs of stomach cramps and you would have gotten a pass. I know you hate Mister Garrison Kyle so why you would just humbly accept a detention from him that you could have avoided is very strange. Kenny was in class today and saw it all take place.

Furthermore the murder was committed sometime before school let out. The amount of time you were missing between the end of recess and the start of class is compelling.

Also the reason they found no fingerprints on the murder weapon is because you've been wearing gloves almost all day like we all do because it's freezing cold here in South Park. Plus even if there were fingerprints you've never been arrested so the police wouldn't have your fingerprints on file. Oh and last but not least the murder weapon being left at the scene. An adult who kills someone will always ditch the murder weapon first. But you didn't have time to ditch a long sword and keeping it hidden while you went to dispose of it somewhere would have gotten a ton of blood on your clothes."

Mysterion said "Kyle we've got probable cause."

Kyle said "now wait these are all just theories and none of them can be proven. Stan hasn't established a motive."

Stan said "I can establish two motives. One by killing Cartman you could cause him to end up being adopted by relatives in Nebraska and thus South Park would be free of Eric Cartman. The second motive is you hate Cartman so much that you do indeed have a level of anger high enough to want to kill his mother for giving birth to him."

Mysterion said "damn Stan you're good."

Kyle starts shaking and replied "shut up Kenny."

TO BE CONTINUED