Disclaimer: I own diddly squat. Enough said. Please enjoy.
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light. – Albus Dumbledore
Her hair was flowing in the wind, whipping around her face and making her sigh in annoyance. Her green eyes were alight with interest as she read her newest book that you couldn't help but think was a bore. You'd never tell her it though, for fear of her anger even though you love the spark in her eyes and the flush to her cheeks when the emotions start to rule her. She was curled up on a chair in the garden, not paying attention to anything around her.
You were sitting on a chair nearby, meant to be talking to Sirius and Remus but slowing down till the point of stopping completely as your gaze sticks to her. You don't hear the boys snickering at you when they insult everything about you and not even a response graces their ears. You are like a lovesick puppy when it comes to her and Sirius taps your chin, commenting about some drool that leaked out from staring at her. She looks up then, amusement and an arrogant smirk on her face, one that she definitely picked up from you and you blush before turning to shove Sirius off of his chair. He doesn't care and when Remus laughs just as hard, you turn and push him off as well. When Lily's laugh graces your ears you freeze, the lovesick smile appearing again and before you know it Sirius and Remus drag you onto the ground with them, wrestling like the teenagers you are.
There's a war going on but right now, the little family that are embracing the summer weather couldn't care less.
Peter is with his mum, spending more time with her every day and less time with you but you don't mind. When your parents were dying you never left their bedside. In the middle of the war, with two famous Aurors as your parents and they die of a bad case of dragon's pox. You had cocooned yourself in your anger and misery, a cocoon that not even Lily could break but she did, eventually. She sat with you every night, not a word was exchanged or a touch stolen. She just sat there. Eventually you broke the silence, recapping stories of your parents that would never leave your mind. She still doesn't speak, just listens and after a while you start to accept that they are gone. In the middle of a war and you both have had to deal with losses and even though a couple of deaths aren't Voldemort related, doesn't mean that you should lose your head. Regardless of it being family.
You look back over to her now, her head thrown back with laughter, tears streaking down her face and a flush to her cheeks. You grin at her from your position under Remus' arse, flashing her a wink and it renews her laughter, causing her to snort softly.
Sirius was the one to drag her off the chair, grabbing her ankles and tugging lightly. The laughter gradually stops though giggles erupt from her every now and then even as she resists the tug from Sirius. He eventually gives up, clambering to his feet before hauling her off the chair. She couldn't fight him off then.
She kicks out, squealing in amusement and she apologies profusely when she knees him in the ribs and he complains about the pain. You see the wink he flashes you, knowing that he wasn't hurt at all. Lily is tiny but can pack a punch, unfortunately it rarely affects anyone but she can still pack one. He throws her onto the ground, gently because she's as fragile as porcelain, before straddling her waist and tickling her sides. Her laughs are louder and longer than they've been in ages, a side effect of the war, and both Sirius and Remus share the smiles that you have. Smiles of absolute glee and awe.
She's had it rough the past few weeks. Her own parents had died; a Death Eater attack in London where they had gone for the day and Petunia had finally dis-owned her. Lily could get over her parents death, as harsh as it sounds, but what killed her the most was knowing she still had living family and yet knowing they wanted nothing to do with you. It was different to Sirius' situation, he couldn't care less about their abandonment of him but Lily had a huge heart, one that could always hold love for someone regardless of their crimes to her.
She had also watched her best friend, Marlene McKinnon die during an Order mission and you watched as she starved herself for days. Yesterday was the first day she had spoken since and the nightmares occurred both during her sleep and the day. During the night, she would scream and turn and kick out, scratching out at anything she could reach. You touch your cheek as you remember, although the cuts aren't there anymore, you still remember the horror that was in her eyes when she woke up. The second time her nightmare happened, Sirius and Remus burst in silently but alert since they were staying for the night and all of you, once they realise there is no threat, cuddle on the bed. You hold her close with her head resting on your chest but she hasn't woken yet, and she doesn't wake until morning where she notices Remus is curled next to her with his head on her stomach and an arm around her whilst Sirius is at the end of the bed practically laying on your feet so that he can rest his head on her thighs and hold one of her hands. She cries then as well.
That positioning became a nightly thing for the rest of the week. You and Sirius figured a way for him to lay there without cutting the blood circulation to your feet and her nightmares gradually stopped.
As you watch her now, wriggling and screaming out under Sirius, you can't help but be glad that she got over those obstacles and you thank Merlin that she never has to face them again. That neither of you have to face them again. That none of you have to face them again.
You want to freeze this moment, make it a bubble or an alternative universe and just live there. You want to just take her, Sirius and Remus and leave to the land of happiness and love, where nothing can hurt you. You'd take Peter too.
You'd take everyone to a world without prejudice, without war and hatred, without Voldemort.
You kiss her goodbye, peppering her face with a million kisses as she laughs beneath you. She's laying on the settee with you pinning her to the cushions and every time she wriggles to get free, you groan. She knows what she's doing to you, the mischievous glint in her eyes counteracts the innocent look on her face and so you retaliate by biting her neck gently and licking at her pulse. Her breath hitches and you consider it a win, until she bites your lip and sucks it, letting it go with a wet 'pop' and winking at you. Then you consider it a loss.
Sirius and Remus are standing by the door, waiting patiently, or impatiently if your name is Sirius Black. You can hear him retching and gagging, complaining of too much soppiness and an overload of love. You flip him off as you claim her lips in a toe curling kiss. You hear them laugh.
Peter's still with his mum and you haven't seen him for a week now but like last week you don't worry about it, he just needs time with his mum before they swoop in. "I'm going to miss you." You say to her, breaking the kiss and looking deep into her eyes.
You notice them well up with tears but don't mention it, knowing that she'd break down and cry. "I'm going to miss you too." She responds, twisting her hands in her hair before pulling you back for a kiss. When you pull away to breathe, she smiles at you. "But I'll be with Sirius and I trust him almost as much as I trust you and Remus, for some unknown reason." He protests loudly and you hear the thudding sound of a fist connecting to a shoulder and suddenly Sirius is quiet. "But it'll only be for a couple of weeks and then I'll be back here."
"Promise?" You ask. You know that you're acting like a child but it soothes you a little when you see her nod.
"Promise." She confirms. You smile thankfully, and a tad apologetically, before rolling off of her and pulling her up into a bone crushing hug. She breaks it off too soon before wandering over to Remus and wrapping her arms around him. You watch his eyes close and he kisses her head, and you realise that this is going to be just as bad for him as it will be for you. They are like brother and sister after all.
Sirius wanders over to you, a sombre look on his face. "I'll protect her." You nod, knowing that he will.
They're going on a mission for the Order, her first one since the McKinnon incident and she doesn't seem at all nervous. It is a fairly low ranking mission, one with the least amount of danger. Surveillance. All she is going to be doing is hiding in a tent as she watches known Death Eater mansions and compounds to get information. Barely any danger will come to her and maybe, you think, that's why Albus and Moody chose her. A way to bring her back into the fold and get her used to the war again.
Maybe that's why you're worrying more than necessary.
"I know you will Padfoot." You answer him finally before pulling him into his own hug. Sirius wraps his arms around you and you squeeze him tighter. "Protect yourself as well though." You order, causing him to chuckle. You aren't joking, he knows you're not joking, but you both know that he would sacrifice his life for Lily's. Not because of James and not because Sirius loves her and wishes she was his own but because they themselves have a bond. A bond that overtook the Marauder bond. In a way, she replaced Wormtail in the Marauder group with her pranks and her jokes as well as her constant presence. Maybe that's another reason why Peter never comes by anymore, but you don't think about that at all.
You watch as Sirius holds the front door open for Lily, for your wife and you can't help but prey that the next two weeks go fast. You hear her tinkling laughter as Padfoot bows as she passes and she mucks up his hair. He complains, loudly, but she ignores every insult he throws her way by throwing her own back at him.
He loves them both and as he exchanges a look with Remus, watching them walk down the path before apparating away, you know that the two of you will be inseparable till they come back.
She's coming home. It's been two weeks of loneliness, two weeks of bonding time with Remus and worrying endlessly. You've lost sleep and you've eaten less because your stomach was churning with nerves and worry but you smile today. Your smile, one of absolute happiness, is the first genuine smile since she left. You wake up in the morning, your first good night of sleep since she left, and you skip around the house. You burst into the spare room, jumping onto Remus and slapping his cheeks till he wakes.
He takes a look at your face, like a small child at Christmas, and he laughs before shoving you onto the floor. "Today's the day." He comments and your face lights up even more, your cheeks hurting from the smile. Two weeks of no Lily and you decided that you hated it. Missions from now on were going to be with her or not at all. You know that it will only complicate things, especially when it's a life or death situation and you only worry about her, but you're sticking with that decision for now.
"They said so yesterday didn't they?" Sirius and Lily had spoken to them yesterday via the two way mirror, telling you about the end of the mission and coming home. They seemed in good spirits, no injuries present and that helped you sleep that night. They hadn't spoken to you before, aware that Moody will kill them but they needed you to know that everything was good.
You are so goddamn excited.
You roll onto your belly, shoving yourself to your feet before running out of the room and getting dressed in a hurry. They aren't due till this evening but you can't help but make sure everything is perfect. Remus trudges out of his room half an hour later, his pyjama bottoms slung low on his hips and you take a second to stare at his scars. They shock you every time.
He sees you staring at them and he coughs subtly to get your attention. "Sorry," you apologise and he shrugs knowing what you're like. You throw a slice of toast at him and he fumbles around to catch it. "Now get dressed." He stares at you with disbelief.
"Prongs, we have hours." You roll your eyes at him, handing him a mug of coffee.
"Yeah we do, but I want everything to be perfect when she gets here." He places a hand on your shoulder and smiles at you.
"Everything will be perfect James, but this isn't her first time away from home."
"It's the first time since then." He knows what you're talking about; he should since he was there every day and night. He watched her deteriorate with you and watched her cocoon herself into her nightmares. You all walked on eggshells around her for days until she realised that you were going to stay. "It has to be perfect." Moony smiles and nods at you, walking out of the room with his coffee and toast in hand. Everything was going to be perfect.
You stuff your breakfast down your throat, before waving your wand and cleaning the kitchen up. You prance around the house, waving your wand and cleaning and you know that the moment she sees it, she'll smile. She's not a clean freak, she makes a lot of mess just by herself, but seeing a clean house had always made her have a bounce in her step and she smiles a little bit brighter.
An hour after you woke up and both you and Remus are standing in the living room, looking at the sparkling clean house. "Now what?" He asks and you nibble your lip, your mind racing with ideas to make her homecoming perfect.
"She loves my homemade lasagne." He informs Remus, nodding like crazy. "Magic is always good but I think she just likes watching me actually do something." Remus chuckles.
"So do we need to get the ingredients for it?" He asks you and you nod eagerly, before grabbing both muggle and wizard money and flouncing out of the house. Remus follows you slowly, shutting the door and making sure it's locked before you drag him to the shops.
You return to the house an hour later, and with a glance at the clock, you realise it's twelve and you have roughly five hours before they come home. Plenty of time for you to prepare the meal, clean up and cook it ready for them to come home. Remus does nothing, you won't let him. You know how you want everything to go, you can see it in your mind, and he can't. He doesn't mind, he just curls up in the armchair with his book and reads. You're in the kitchen, preparing everything and cleaning and waiting.
They should be here in an hour now and you can barely contain yourself. Remus has sighed multiple times at your excitement. Your legs are jittering and your hands have gone through your hair more times than you can count. Remus slams his book shut and glares at you. "Go cook the goddamn food Prongs, you're annoying me." You blush slightly before jumping up to scurry into the kitchen and starting the process of cooking. You don't even notice when Remus comes in and sits at the table, looking at you with a smirk that could rival Sirius'.
"She's going to love this, you know?" He said, breaking the silence and you turn to smile at him. "She loves you so it only makes sense that she'll love this." Your smile widens but when you glance at the clock, you curse softly before getting the lasagne out of the oven and grabbing plates. They're due home in five minutes.
Dinner is placed onto plates and the plates placed on the table. You even transfigured a spoon into a perfect white lily to place in a glass jar for the middle of the table. You step back and look at your handiwork, smiling with Remus as you both survey the outcome. Remus places the last of the cutlery down and steps back until he's leaning against the counter. "Perfect." You murmur with your grin wide.
The door clangs against the wall in the living room and your eyes widen with excitement before you run into the living room, Remus on your heels. Sirius is standing in the doorway, grime and blood all over his body but you don't pay attention to that. "Is Lily outside?" You ask, stepping closer and hoping to see her behind him. Remus places a hand on your shoulder and you shrug it off when you start to fill with dread. "Where is she Padfoot?" You ask, the smile slowly falling off your face until you are standing right in front of Sirius. He looks down at his feet, his lower lip quivering and his eyes brimming with tears.
"I tried to protect her Prongs, I really-" You cut him off.
"Where is she?" Your voice is cold, full of anger and confusion. "Where is my wife?" That is what causes Sirius to crumble. His head bows and you watch as tears drip from his chin. His shoulders shake with each sob and you want to cry with him, want to wrap up in a blanket and die slowly when you realise something has happened to her.
"They got her James. The Death Eaters took Lily." Your fist connects with his face and only Remus pulling you back stops you from killing him.
"You bastard." You hiss at him. "You said you'd protect her."
"Prongs." Remus warned but James shrugged both him and his warning away, standing there in silence as you try to rein in your anger.
"Is she alive?" You ask after a while. Sirius looks at you apologetically.
"I don't know Prongs, I really don't know."
Blackness takes you away, and you pray to God, Merlin and anyone who will listen that it's all just a bad dream.
You wake up in your bed. Alone. You grab your glasses and glance at the clock, three in the morning, and curse the world. You're angry, no you're more than angry, you are utterly pissed. She's gone, possibly for good but you don't know. You weren't there, you were sat at home cooking and cleaning and acting domestic whilst she was out in the war fighting for her life.
And now she's gone.
You don't let sleep return to you instead you lay there and allow your fury to burn like a forest fire. It rages on and on, burning inside every vein in your body, fuelling your muscles and cells until it's like the energy that you live off. At eight you hear the voices of Sirius and Remus outside your door and you know that if you see any of them, you'll do something that Lily will reprimand you for. So you get out of bed and see them, the idea of Lily doing anything at the moment is stopping you from thinking clearly.
You don't understand why you punch Remus in the face when he tells you to sit down and eat. You barely listen to the words that spout from your mouth when you shout about "having to find her because some people can't protect her." You ignore Sirius' flinch and instead grab your coat and shoes. When Sirius asks if you're okay you completely understand why you punch him in the face. From the looks of his and Remus' face, they both understand too.
They're both sporting bruised faces when they accompany you to the Order's headquarters and your gut feels funny but you can't name the emotion at the moment so you look away from them and face Albus and Moody. They're both looking at you with sympathy but you don't take it.
You demand that you be part of the rescue mission.
They inform you that there is no rescue mission.
You slam your hands on the desk, your face showing how furious you are and you growl the demands of a rescue mission. Remus and Sirius, with the assistance of Frank Longbottom have to drag you out of the office and when the door shuts in front of you, the fight leaves your body. You stand there, facing the closed door, your body wilting before stiffening when you feel hands on your arms. You turn slightly to see Alice Longbottom standing there and she smiles sadly at you before collapsing in a fit of tears.
You don't know what encourages you to, but you envelop her in a bone crushing hug allowing her tears to soak your top. Frank stands there watching and you see him crying as well. You glance around, there was an Order meeting and everyone, minus Peter, is still here, and they are all crying.
Crying because of the loss of Lily.
You don't cry.
Shouting attracts your attention and you pass Alice over to her husband before you slowly squeeze through the crying group of people and head down a secluded corridor where the shouting gets louder. You see Remus, Dorcas and Sirius standing there.
"You son of a bitch!" Dorcas shoves Sirius and Remus immediately comes to his defence but Sirius shoves him away gently. "She's my best friend and you let them get her?!" Her voice is shrill and full of emotion, it's a wonder that she isn't bawling like everyone else. "We trusted you to keep her safe and where is she?" He doesn't answer, welcoming the fists to his chest. "WHERE IS SHE?"
"I don't think you should be hitting him." You say, your voice quiet and calm yet capturing the attention of everyone in the corridor. Dorcas looks at you and opens her mouth to protest but you shoot her a look and she silences herself before nodding and walking away. You hear her sob loudly before she disappears.
"Thanks Prongs." Sirius says after a while but you don't answer him. You shove him aside as you leave the building before apparating home. You need to see her, even if it will only be photographs.
Somehow you sleep that night; the second night since you found out that she was missing. It wasn't a good sleep, considerably one of your worst. The nightmares took hold of you the moment you shut your eyes and you were helpless as they showed you everything you wished never happened.
"LILY!" Your voice calls out, breaking the silence and you look around for her. You're in a meadow, one with short grass and the occasional spattering of flowers of different kinds and colours but there is no Lily. "Lily." You murmur dejectedly, your heart breaking as you wander in a direction that you hope leads you home. You had momentarily forgotten that she was being held captive, tortured or dead you don't know, and you don't understand how you could have forgotten. But you remember now. You still don't cry.
"JAMES!" You freeze in your walking, so sure that you heard her voice. Nothing reaches your ears after a while and you resume your traipsing around, no signs of life anywhere but you still walk. Your head is bowed, hands stuffed in pockets and you hear it again. "James." She's closer now and you whirl around.
She's there.
Her nose is bleeding, looks to be broken and one of her eyes is swollen shut. She has a split lip and bruises are on her neck in the shape of a handprint. You growl and start walking towards her. The closer you get and the more injuries you see. Cuts all up her arms and legs, she's wearing a tank top and shorts which reveal the grimy injuries. Her wrists and ankles are bruised, cut and swollen which is presumably from her restraints but when she sees you getting closer, she smiles. One of her teeth is missing.
Green and red lights are flashing around you and suddenly a noise has increased. Figures are whirling around, shouting and dropping with every second that goes by. The two of you are standing in the middle of a battleground.
She's further away now, being dragged away by her hair by a cloaked figure. You speed up, dodging the shouts that are aimed at you. "Crucio!" "Avada Kedavra!" You ignore them all. Somehow you close the gap and are just about to reach for her when you trip over a body. It wasn't there before, had only just dropped in front of you. You look back at it, not sure why when you were so close to Lily, and your throat closes up. You want to cry, you want to scream but still you do neither and just stare.
You stare at Sirius' dead face.
You should get up and leave, get Lily back and get the hell out of here but you're frozen. You just sit there and stare at your best friend's, your brother's body and wish that things were different. "JAMES!" You probably would have stayed there if it hadn't been for Lily's voice calling, begging, for you. You shake your head and look around for her. You see her, tears streaming down her face as she gets dragged away even further and you curse everyone as you stumble to your feet and go after her again.
Just like last time, you're so close to grabbing her hand; your fingertips are almost touching hers, when you trip over another body. You wince, hoping it isn't someone else that you know but you start to feel the burn of tears in the back of your eyes when you see Remus looking at you, a bloody gash on his face and his glassy eyes staring at you. You glance past him to see Sirius in the same position. Lily still needs you, and you don't give up.
Three more times you got close. Three more times you fell. After Remus, you tripped over Peter and then Frank and then Alice. You are still yet to cry.
The fight leaves you and you collapse to your knees.
You can't hear Lily screaming for you anymore and your heart feels empty. You think she's dead and when a shadow stands before you, you welcome the death that is sure to come. "Everyone will die if you go for her Potter." Your eyes snap open at the voice and you see Snape standing before you. A sneer on his face that would have made you laugh and hex him if you were at Hogwarts now only makes you flinch. He controls whether you live or not. Please let him kill me, you beg inside. "Go after her Potter and just see how many people die at your feet." You raise your head slowly, meeting his gaze as he raises his wand. "Avada Kedavra!"
You wake up gasping for breath, sweat keeping your hair stuck to your head. You go to reach for your glasses before sighing in defeat and placing your head back on the pillow. Your eyes flutter shut within seconds.
You are looking at her. She's alive. Lily is right there in front of you. You just can't believe it. She's chained to the wall by her wrists and her left ankle is clearly broken. She's curled in a ball, or as curled as she can in her position, in just her underwear. Her head is tilted forward, resting on her chest and her hair is covering her face. Cuts are scattered across her torso and you see the handprint shaped bruises on her thighs, shoulders, waist and breasts. You decide that you don't want to know what happened to her.
She's sitting in a puddle of blood and if it wasn't for the movement in her chest, you'd think she was dead.
Her left arm is badly burnt and oozing puss. The smell makes you gag. She stirs and looks up at you with lazy eyes. You attempt a smile and see her flinch.
That breaks the comatose state that you were in and you collapse onto your knees next to her, your hands clutching her face so she looks at you. Her nose is broken and there is a gaping hole in her right cheek. You can see her teeth through the hole. The skin above her right eye has melted, almost covering her eye and her right ear has melted to her head. She has no right ear. The tears spill from her eyes and you murmur soothing words to her. She slowly comes out of the shell and tentatively whispers your name. "James?" She can't believe it's you. You can't believe it's her.
You are both so unbelieving. With good cause.
You stand up suddenly, jostling her burnt arm and she cries out in pain. You frown. You didn't want to stand up, yet you did. She looks up at you and you see her face fall before she begs you to leave her alone. You want to tell her that you're not going to do anything to her, that you love her and could never hurt her but you don't. Your wand arm raises and you hear your voice murmur "Crucio," before her screams make you flinch. Her body is convulsing, the cuts on her torso now torn open and dripping blood.
You want to stop and you don't want to hurt her but the pain for her only increases.
Remus and Sirius burst in, the door slamming against the wall and you whirl around in shock. Lily's screams stop. "James, what are you doing?" Remus asks, his voice shocked. You glance down at your wand before looking up into the mirror on the wall. There you are, dressed in Death Eater robes with the mask resting on your head. "You were hurting her." He states and you shake your head in protest.
"Prongs, you crucio'ed her." You try to protest again but Lily whimpers behind you and they shove you to the side, crouching next to her and trying to get the shackles off of her wrists. She breathes their names, sighing with some relief and when her gaze meets yours, she flinches. You blanch and rip the mask off of your head before running a hand through your hair.
She's standing now, standing as much as she can when she's weak to the point of death. Remus and Sirius are sandwiching her body gently between their own and her arms are looped around their necks. Her head is lolled forward again and she's trying to not look at you.
She fails.
Her eyes connect with yours and you can see the betrayal, hatred, anger, love, confusion and many more emotions whirling in their green depths. Her eyes were the trigger and you raise your wand arm again. You try to stop it, you really do.
You fail.
"Avada Kedavra!" You cry out and the green light connects with her chest. You feel empty the moment it happens and you watch as her body drops to the ground before you, her eyes resting on you and one of her arms reaching out towards you. Sirius and Remus are gone when you glance back up at them and when you glance back at Lily, so is she.
You're standing in the torture room, alone.
"You're going to kill her." A voice informs you and you turn slowly. Lucius Malfoy is smiling at you wickedly. "You're going to kill her, maybe not like that but you're the reason she is going to die." He turns to leave but stops in the doorway. "That is along with her filthy blood of course."
You feel angry and empty and cold. He leaves the room laughing and you turn the wand on yourself. "Avada Kedavra." You repeat and the green light is the last thing you see.
You growl in frustration. You are fed up with the nightmares, the feel of hatred that settles in your gut for yourself. You grab your glasses, not stopping this time, and stare at the clock. Five in the morning. The boys would be awake soon, presuming that they stayed the night but knowing them, they're not going to leave soon. How can they leave when their best friend just lost his wife?
An hour later and you hear their voices outside your door. It was early for them, more so for Sirius than Remus but early none the less. You don't move, you just lay there staring at the ceiling with your hands clenched into fists on your stomach. They knock on the door quietly but you ignore them and they walk away slowly.
An hour later and they knock again, asking if you are awake but you remain silent and they leave you be. You want to get up. You want to lay here forever. You want to eat and drink. You want to starve yourself. You just want Lily.
Another hour later and they knock your door again. They know you're awake, they tell you that they know but you don't respond and they open the door quietly. Remus was the one to walk in, laying on Lily's side of the bed and looking at you with a worried face. You want to tell him that you're fine and you'll get up in a minute. You don't want to lie to him. You keep quiet.
"I want you to eat." He tells you and you roll your eyes. "I want you to drink and eat and wash and get out of this bed." He informs you with a firmer voice. You don't answer him and he doesn't leave.
"We want to keep you alive for when Lily comes back." Sirius adds and from the way Remus reacts, you can tell that he wasn't meant to talk for fear of how you'd react. You barely bat an eyelid. Twenty minutes after Remus first wandered in and you're still lying in bed when he gets up with a sigh and walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him with a soft click. The sun is up and shining light into the room. You move then, climbing out of bed and accidentally hitting the wall as you walk to the window. You shut the curtains and lay back in bed, the same place and position as you were before. The room is now in darkness. Like your soul at the current moment in time.
Remus walks back into the room, asking if you got out of bed. He asks if you want or need anything. He asks if you're going to lay in bed all day and do diddly squat. He asks if you're going to ignore him. He leaves a few minutes later and you're left alone to think.
That was how you spent the rest of the day and every time you heard a noise outside the door you prayed to Merlin that it was Lily coming home but you knew it wasn't. The Death Eaters wouldn't have let her go after a day. They wouldn't let her go full stop but you don't let your mind dwell on that.
The ceiling holds little interest for you but you stare at it nonetheless. Before you know it, the sun is creeping into the room through a gap in the curtains and blinding you. It's resting on your eyes and you have no choice but to move so you can avoid it and keep your eyesight, regardless of how bad it is.
You stand up slowly, your muscles groaning in protest and your bones clicking as they start to move again and you realise that you need to pee. You walk slowly to the en suite, hoping a hole will appear in the floor and swallow you up to take you away from your misery.
Sirius and Remus are sitting on the bed when you come out, their faces wary as they don't know how you're going to behave. Sirius hasn't healed his bruises, most likely believing that he deserves them, and your face crumples. The sobs wrack your body and the tears are like waterfalls down your cheeks. You are kneeling in the middle of the room, crying out for Lily to come back.
You're crying.
Sirius and Remus appear beside you, wrapping their arms around you and all three of you cry on the bedroom floor. Any other reason for crying and one of you would have moaned about acting like girls. Any other reason than Lily.
With your sobs quietening, your tears not slowing, they speak to you quietly and persuade you to leave the room and eat some food. It tastes bland even though you know it's bursting with flavour and it settles in your stomach uncomfortably. You rush to the toilet to throw up minutes after the last mouthful. You cry again. You cry all day, and they cry plenty of times with you.
Padfoot apologies repeatedly, his guilt shining and practically suffocating you all in the enclosed space that you three live in. You don't talk still, you just cry into his shoulder. Tears are the most emotion and communication you've shown in a couple of days and they embrace it, seeing it as a start.
You fall asleep on the settee, and you hear them debating whether to take you to bed or not but when you start to cry again, they leave you there so that they can lay with you. They would lay in bed with you but the memories of doing that for Lily are too strong and none of them are too keen to relive that. Sirius sleeps on the floor, sitting against the settee with his head resting on your chest whilst Remus is curled in the armchair at your feet. You want to thank them, want to apologise for how you had acted, how you were acting but you don't say a word.
The nightmares come again, repeats of the last two only more vivid and you wake up thrashing and screaming, looking into the worried faces of your best friends. Not their dead ones. You cry in their arms and part of you hates the raw emotion that you are showing. The other part of you just wants Lily.
You don't sleep for the rest of the night, instead you listen to the soft snoring of Sirius and Remus' breathing to calm you down as you look at the ceiling again. Your mind thinks about Lily and you worry about her, boy do you worry. She's a gorgeous girl, barely a woman at the age of eighteen but you have loved her for years and you will always love her whether she's dead or alive. Preferably alive.
She's a muggle-born, a powerful muggle-born and you can't help but think of the danger that she's in with the Death Eaters. She's part of the Order, making their reason to cause her pain higher than before. She hexed and bested many of the Death Eaters who were at Hogwarts with them and they would love the chance to get back at her. One of them even loves her, but she broke off his friendship and came to you. He wouldn't want to hurt her, but he'd do everything he could to hurt you. Even if it caused her pain.
You are stirred from your thoughts when Sirius wakes up, complaining of a numb bum and neck ache. You still don't speak but you sit up quickly and grab his neck, massaging out the cricks gently and quickly before stumbling into the kitchen for some water. It's the first time you've gone to get sustenance voluntarily and it's no surprise to you when you wander back into the living room to see two pairs of eyes staring at you with small smiles on their faces. You want to smile back, you even attempt it, but it doesn't feel right when Lily is most likely screaming in pain. That is if she was still alive.
The boys understand, you can see that they do, and they ask if you want food not expecting a verbal answer and not even waiting for an answer before summoning biscuits from the cupboard and smashing them into your hands. You eat two, they're small and they settle in your stomach fine. The boys don't push you. They look relieved.
The process is like this for the rest of the week. You wake up screaming and crying, kicking out at anything and anyone as you come back to reality from the nightmares that haunt you. You stay awake as the boys sleep next to you, occasionally one will moan in pain, presumably from a nightmare of their own, but they never react as bad as yours and they calm themselves within minutes. You stay awake for hours, watching the shadows flitter on the walls and ceiling as the light changes from moon to sun. When the boys wake up, you soothe Sirius' neck muscles before grabbing yourself a drink. They in turn get food into you, starting off small with the biscuits before building it up to a proper meal.
You only throw up three times.
You pee and brush your teeth, and you bathe and shave but you never make an effort to leave the house. Why would he want to face a real war when there is a bad enough battle going on in his mind?
The week anniversary of Lily being missing arrives and you are a mess throughout the day. You don't soothe Sirius' neck when he wakes and you don't get yourself a drink. The boys hand you the biscuits again but you don't take them or eat them. You starve yourself for the day. They understand why you are acting the way you are but that doesn't stop them from trying to get you to eat. You shut yourself in the bedroom again, laying on Lily's side and smelling her pillows. Her scent lingers and you clutch at it with all that you have. It soothes and calms you a little, but not enough to ward off the pain that is consuming you from the inside out.
You still haven't spoken.
You don't think you ever will.
You haven't left the house in two weeks. Yes, you think to yourself, your wife has been missing for two weeks. She's been away from you for a month.
You've cried every day and you've started to eat more but you still haven't spoken. You don't even know if you can speak anymore. The full moon is tonight and Remus has offered to go home and lock himself in his basement, or go to Hogsmeade and go to the Shrieking Shack, but Sirius protests. He wants to be there with him and part of you wants to as well.
You want to stay at home in case Lily comes back.
They discuss it, occasionally asking you questions but not waiting for an answer anymore and you should be angry about it. But you're not. You're happy that they've finally accustomed themselves to how you are now. They decided that they were both going to the Shrieking Shack whilst Frank and Alice came here to look after you. You want to protest about not being a baby and can look after yourself.
You open your mouth to snap at them, telling them such but you choke. You stare at them, your mouth open to speak and they smile encouragingly. They wait. You close your mouth and shake your head. They can't even hide the disappointment that they feel.
Lily doesn't come back that night.
You hear Frank tell Remus how much of a shock it is that you've deteriorated as much as you have. They thought that you would be out there fighting and looking for her, but Remus comes to your defense, asking what he would do if it was Alice who had gone missing. Frank is silent for a while before conceding and patting you on the shoulder as he walks by.
Sirius has a cut on his forehead and Remus isn't using his left arm as much as he should but they are just injuries from the full moon and you don't worry too much. Your worry is saved up for someone else. Someone that you haven't seen in a month. You can't say her name anymore, not that you speak but you couldn't say it if you did speak. You don't think her name either, the pain from her name is like rubbing salt into an open cut. It burns.
They think you're asleep the night they talk about you and her. They hear your steady breathing, see your shut eyelids and talk. You listen quietly.
"It's my entire fault." Sirius mumbles. "Oh don't give me that look Moony. I could've saved her if I tried harder then we'd all be happy and James wouldn't be a mute and he wouldn't be starving himself."
"How could you have tried harder when you were stuck in a dead end facing seven Death Eaters Pads? It's a miracle you survived and made it out of there yourself!" You stiffen slightly. Worrying about Lily had been your main concern and you had never thought to think about your brother.
"Yes but Moony, what if I had just grabbed her and apparated somewhere? Then we'd be fine."
"You were in the middle of a battle. Apparating to safety and retreating, ignoring the jabs and allowing the Death Eaters to win is not something that you would ever do. It isn't something that Lily would do either and we both know that."
"Do you think we'll ever get James back?" You hear Remus sigh.
"Once we get Lily back, yeah."
"The chances of her coming back alive are-"
"I know what they are Padfoot, I was the one that told Dumbledore. We have to get her back alive though, otherwise we lose him completely too."
They stay silent for a while and you try not to sob at the thought of her dead, broken body.
"Do you think he'd kill himself if she died?" Sirius asks, breaking the silence.
"If not he'd be more reckless in a battle. Either way he wouldn't live till he dies of natural causes." They don't speak for the rest of the night. You don't sleep either.
Your mind is working on overload.
She's been missing for a month. She's been gone for six weeks. That's what kind of hurts you the most, knowing that she was gone before that and you didn't even say a proper goodbye. You think back to your last conversation and you hate yourself for not saying everything you should have.
Sirius and Lily appear on the mirror and your heart flips. She looks tired, her face pale and bags under her eyes but they sparkle with love when she sees you and her smile lights up her whole face. "Good evening boys." She says calmly and she watches as you try to utter a word that doesn't sound like you are missing her to pieces.
"Lily." You say instead as a greeting and she rolls her eyes as Sirius and Remus laugh at you.
"Hey Moony!" Sirius calls out and Lupin grins like an idiot. Sirius looks the same as Lily, pale and bags under his eyes. The only difference is the faint bruise on his left cheek.
"Hey Pads." He responds and you carry on staring at Lily. You memorise everything about her. You don't know when you're going to see her again. "What's with the bruise?" His eyes light up and Lily blushes.
"Evans over here, punched me." You and Remus gape at her and she grins sheepishly. "And do you want to hear why? Of course you do." He ruffles her hair and she glares at him. "I slapped her arse." You frowned and glared at your best mate.
"Why?" You demand and he laughs.
"We needed a distraction so that the Death Eaters who were in the pub wouldn't notice us and we could slip out. She was going to start an argument, knowing her she could easily do it, but I just slapped her arse – it's a nice arse by the way – and she turned and punched me." He smiles affectionately, rubbing his cheek. "Prongs if she wasn't your girl, I'd be on that thing." You roll your eyes at his playful tone.
"Yeah like I'd ever let you." Lily complains and he peppers her cheek with sloppy kisses causing her to laugh. "Anyway, after I punched Sirius he fell backwards into this huge fat guy, like gave Hagrid a run for his money, that kind of huge and caused him to spill his butterbeer in his beard, which then started a fight and the whole pub was in chaos seconds later." She nods about the succeeding plan and you blow her a kiss. She winks back at you.
"WE HAVE NEWS!" Sirius shouts and she grins, realising that was the whole point of the conversation tonight. You and Remus, the pair of you that are sitting on the settee together, lean forward in anticipation. "WE'RE COMING HOME TOMORROW!" Sirius exclaims. Your face splits into a huge grin, one that rivals Lily's and you two lock eyes. Everything that you want to say, all the soppy nonsense that will only cause the guys to take the piss out of you, is said then. She says it all right back.
"What time should we expect you?" Remus asks.
"Roughly five in the evening." Lily answers and your breath catches in your throat. She's coming home. You've missed her. God, you can't wait. "We're finished up here but Moody wants us to check something out on the way back so we're doing a stop off." You watch as everyone tries to contain their excitement. Lily, clearly misses you and everyone, she's just excited to get home and your excitement matches hers for the same reasons. Remus is excited for the stories and the laughs, their family being complete. Sirius is just excited because he hardly shows any other emotion.
"We better get going." Sirius says regretfully and you try not to act desperate too much, so you nod and smile. "See you tomorrow Prongs, Moony." He says his goodbye before disappearing from view; you can still hear him singing like a buffoon in the background.
"See you tomorrow Lils," Moony says, waving and she blows him a kiss before he winks at you and leaves the room. You need to thank him.
"So, did you miss me?" She asks and you laugh.
"No, been plenty peaceful back here. Did you miss me?" She snorts.
"No, hell why would I miss you? I've got Paddy over here," you hear him complain about being called Paddy but neither of you are listening to him. "And he's wonders in bed. I can see why half of Hogwarts was infatuated with him now." You roll your eyes before blowing her a kiss. She blows one back. "I've got to go." You nod. "I love you."
"I know." She blows you one final kiss before the mirror goes blank.
You never told her that you loved her. She could be dead, her body crumpled and broken; rotting away in the weather and the last words you said to her was 'I know'. You're angry with yourself and you punch the mirror when you're in the bathroom. It shatters and your hand is broken. You don't feel the pain. It's nothing compared to the pain in your heart.
#
Your hand is healed the next day when Peter visits. The bones back in place and the skin knitted back together. There are no signs that any damage was done to you or the mirror. They even got rid of the bruise.
He wanders in and smiles like he hasn't been away for two months. He talks to you all as if nothing has happened and complains when you don't respond. The boys try to shush him and explain in hushed voices but he doesn't stop to listen. He explodes, moaning and demanding that you 'speak the fuck up because he's going through shit and needs a friend right now'. He's not the only one.
You stare at him, your eyes blinking slowly and he falters. "Where's Lily?" He asks slowly and your face crumples again. Sirius shoves Peter into the kitchen and you can hear his voice as he shouts at Wormtail for not listening to them at the beginning. Their voices go quiet and you know that Peter's being brought up to speed. When he walks out of the kitchen pale, you know that he knows. Remus was sitting in front of you, patting your knees and talking to you like you're a toddler. For the way you're behaving, you might as well be.
Peter apologies quietly and softly, stroking your hair back from your forehead and resting his cheek against your head as he pulls you into a hug. Sirius and Remus step back and watch before they are overcome with emotion and you share a hug with the rest of the Marauders as you cry and break, as your defences crumbles, as you lose a part of yourself.
Peter stays the night, laying on the floor next to Sirius and you somehow manage to sneak into the kitchen. You grab a bottle of Firewhiskey from Lily's secret stash that she thinks you don't know about, an unopened bottle, and sit on the floor against the counter before you drown yourself in the alcohol. You welcome the burn. With every mouthful you forget yourself, forget your nightmares, forget the problems that the world is facing. You forget her. That's all you wanted from the drink and that is exactly what you get. You are just a guy. Just a lonely guy.
You wake up in the morning, squinting against the light as you look up into the faces of three stormy faced men. All three of them are pissed and so are you but you are a completely different kind of pissed. They stand there with their arms crossed in anger and you see their emotions on their faces that they barely manage to hold in.
You allow them to drag you to the bathroom where they dump you in the shower, letting the freezing cold water cascade down your body. You don't cry out in shock. You sit there silently and take it. You think your voice box has shrivelled up and died. If you could, you'd do the same.
You dry yourself off with the towel they leave you and you get dressed into fresh clothes. The hangover is killing you and you are thankful for the new kind of pain that you have to deal with. They don't offer you a potion for the hangover. You wouldn't take it if they did. You apologise to them though, your face shows how sorry you are and they accept it. You still can't bring yourself to talk.
You don't know why you won't talk, nobody does, but it helps you keep some control and you're going to keep talking until she's found.
It's four in the afternoon when four of the Order members appear at your house. Dumbledore, Moody, Fabian Prewett and Benjy Fenwick. They all have given you smiles but don't explain why they're here. You know though. You can sense the feelings of heartbreak, dejection and sadness coming off of them. It reeks and you want to drink another bottle of Firewhiskey. Remus shoots you a look and you know he can tell what you're thinking.
"We did a raid on a Death Eater compound last night." Dumbledore starts and you sit up straighter, your face eager for news. "There was only two Death Eaters there and they haven't given us anything useful, seems they weren't that high in Voldemort's rankings." Peter squeaks with fear and you shoot him a look. Everyone else does the same.
"We found a room." Fabian said, his deep voice surprisingly gentle. "Full of shackles and muggle items. Heck of a lot of blood and hair." Your brow crinkles slightly as you take in what he says. "No Lily." You slump back into your seat.
"From the amount of blood there was, however," Benjy starts and you sit up immediately, hope on your face. He sees it and he can't look at you anymore. "Well, there was a lot of it. Too much for one person to survive it." You shake your head, refusing to listen to them.
"She's gone." Moody states and you know that you're broken.
"She's alive! She has to be!" You exclaim, your voice croaky and you surprised even yourself that you spoke. Remus and Sirius look like they want to smile but they know that now is not the time. Now is definitely not the time. "I'd feel it if she died." You plea, your hands placed over your heart as you try to relate to any of them, anybody in the room. They all, minus Dumbledore and Moody, have tears in their eyes. You stand to your feet defiantly. "She's alive." You state before tottering off to your bedroom and slamming the door shut. You pace the walls of the bedroom, your mind flittering from one thought to another and then it hits you.
You don't feel her anymore. You thought you did, you had hoped you did but maybe it was just the image you have of her that was making you think she was alive. Maybe she truly is gone. You search your wardrobe and you are thankful that you stashed some Firewhiskey in here too. You don't know why you hide the alcohol, it probably has something to do with Sirius always drinking it, proposing games that embarrass you more than you profit from it, and making you do stupid things. You don't really care as you take the first swig from the bottle.
You don't care at all.
Tomorrow would be two months since she's been missing. Tomorrow would be two months and two weeks since you last saw her. Tomorrow she would be have been announced dead for two weeks.
You're hunched over the toilet with the smell of Firewhiskey permeating throughout the room, filling your nostrils and causing you to gag. Remus is standing above you, a wet cloth on your forehead as he rubs your back softly. He smiles down at you gently and you attempt a smile back; the grimace only appeared on your face instead when your stomach convulsed and more of its contents was brought up into the bowl. You hate alcohol and you are never drinking again; not until tonight.
That's how it has been for almost two weeks. You'd drink yourself into oblivion and bring everything back up the next day just to do it again. Its good this way; you don't have much time to think about her between all the throwing up and passing out, between all the drinking yourself till you forget your own name. Her funeral is in four days. The full moon in two. You're ready for neither. The rest of the Marauders haven't left the house at all, instead calling for members of the Order to do the mundane tasks such as getting more Firewhiskey and food. They don't protest.
Peter, however, is the first to leave. He goes to see his mum and you could barely raise your arm to wave goodbye. That was five days ago.
Alice has been spending more time with you. She tells you stories when you're in your lucid state, when you are an emotional wreck, when you struggle to sleep. She tells you about Lily, about the things she did and said when it came to him. He found out that she'd been in love with him from the end of sixth year but he'd acted like he'd moved on and she'd been too scared to do anything. He regrets the time wasted even more now that they have no more time together. She tells him about the time Lily came back to the girls dormitory in Gryffindor tower instead of going to her own dorm, just so she could collapse onto her old bed and act like she was in a daze. He had done the same thing at the same day. They'd just had their first kiss.
You've stopped throwing up now and you know you aren't going to bring anything else up, so you slowly waddle into the living room. Sirius smiles up at you and you nod a greeting back. He looks almost as bad as you do. Nobody looks as bad as you do.
You haven't spoken.
After your outburst when you first found out, you clammed up again. Nobody blames you. People are even taking after you. You wrack your brain for the last time Sirius cracked a joke, almost two months, you realise with a start and swallow down the tears. The last time he spoke was three days ago.
You plop down onto the settee next to him and just sit there. Remus sits on the other side of Sirius and you all sit there in comfortable silence. Remus is the first to fall asleep, he'd been staying up all night and every night to guarantee that you don't kill yourself with grief and then staying up majority of the day to make sure you're fine. You need to thank him. He knows your grateful.
Sirius is the next to fall asleep. His nightmares have increased to the point of driving him mental. They seem just as bad as your own and you know that the guilt is eating him up alive. You fall asleep seconds later. You welcome the nightmares. You always see her.
The sound of a door banging and something heavy dropping wakes you up. The room is pitch black but the moon is shining through the window, lighting up the clock. Two in the morning. She's been officially dead for two weeks. Sirius and Remus wake up next to you and you all exchange looks when you realise that you are all present. You fumble with your wand, drunkenly standing and facing off whatever opponent has come to end your misery. Sirius flings himself over the back of the sofa, his wand in his hand as well but he's more confident and sturdy in his posture. He has been drinking the memories away. Remus is feeling the wall for the light switch, his other hand gripping the wand.
Light filled the room and you see the front door swinging open. You exchange confused looks with the others before tottering forward and seeing the shadow of a figure on the floor. They aren't in the middle of the room where everyone can see them; they seemed to be partially behind the door, enclosed in its shadow. You stumble over, ignoring the protests of Sirius and Remus. If this person was going to kill them then he wanted to go first.
You collapse onto your knees, shoving the door out of the way as you faced the shadow of a person. With the door shut, the light illuminated the body. A dirty, bloody, body at that but you can't tell who it is. They are facing away from you, groaning with pain.
You think it might be a woman but their body is so thin that you can't be sure. The hair, the short and messily bobbed hair, is covered in blood and dirt, looking a mixture of black and brown. It was impossible to determine the colour of it. Their ankles were cut and bruised from restraints and their right side was burnt, the material melted to the skin and oozing puss and blood. It looked fresh. Her back was sporting small burns and cuts.
You tentatively reach a hand out, ignoring the exclamations from the others as you slowly roll the body over. It is a woman, her top was gaping open and he could see the bra underneath. `Her stomach was covered in cuts which were both shallow and deep whilst her breasts, chest and neck were covered in bruises. He still couldn't see her face due to her hair, the blood and dirt but he carried on categorising her injuries. Her left arm was broken her left leg catered a cut from thigh to knee that was gaping to show the bone beneath. Her nose was broken, lips chapped and split.
It was a miracle that she was alive.
She groaned and he suddenly felt protective of the injured woman, stroking the hair gently from her face to reveal two black eyes and small cuts on her cheek and forehead. His breath hitched in his throat. She looked familiar. No. It couldn't be, could it? She groaned again, her back twisting and you sensed the boys close behind you. Her eyes opened and you sobbed loudly.
"Lily." You murmur.
"James." She murmurs back, smiling softly before her eyelids fluttered shut.
She was alive.
A/N: Right, there we go. Took me forever that did and if i'm honest, it's my favourite thing that i've ever written. There's going to be chapters like this for Lily, Remus and Sirius and then i'm going to do the recovery part. So let me know what you thought please, review/favourite/follow, whatever. -wannabewyler xo