uSakurabaxKiyru: Part One/u

He collapsed against the wall and leant his head back against the brightly coloured graffiti, sighing and closing his eyes. For once, it was not the CAT graffiti of the Udagawa backstreets on which Neku was leaning. Instead, he was in the grey, dimly lit station underpass. It was a safer bet to run here; Udagawa would have to have meant running straight past them, and he was also far too likely to end up in the company of someone whose sarcasm and theatrics he could do without right now.

Images of what he had seen invaded the privacy of his mind, and he hit his head on his knees, trying to make them stop. How could this happen? He thought they were on the brink of something. Okay, maybe he hadn't tried his best to keep her, but-

"Hh-hm"

CRAP. That bloody giggle meant only one bloody thing.

"I know you're here." he said in a fierce tone.

"Ooh, aren't we the sharp one today, Neku?" Neku heard the reply moments before the Composer materialized beside him. "The last few times I've come to see you, you jumped out of your skin when I appeared."

"Yes, well, it didn't help that you giggled right by my ear." He scowled, still looking down at his knees.

"Really? Silly me…"

"Look, go away, Joshua."

Joshua smiled, but before he had a chance to reply, Neku continued.

"What are you doing here, anyway? I thought the only place you UG-stalked me was Udagawa?"

Joshua shook his hair from his eyes. "Oh, Neku, I don't spend my life wandering aimlessly around the Udagawa back streets, waiting for you to turn up when you're down. I have more important things to do than that."

Neku's first thought was to tell him to go do them, though he was too annoyed answer out loud.

"Neku, something up?"

Again, no reply. He smirked.

"Are you mad at me again?"

Neku exploded. "Again? I still haven't forgiven you, Joshua! I still have reason to be mad at you; I just try and get over it so that I don't have to kill you!"

"Oh Neku, I think we learned from our final game that you don't have it in you"

"Now you're just pushing it, Josh"

Joshua raised one eyebrow "And yet you haven't walked away. Because once again, the real problem on your mind is nothing to do with me or my misdemeanors. And once again, you've come to me, because I will eventually talk you through it and fix eeeeeverything"

"I didn't come to you, you arrogant dick, you turned up uninvited!" yelled Neku, although his voice faltered. Despite the fact that Joshua's appearance every few weeks was a nuisance, it did usually coincide with Neku's most worried times. And although he was usually adamant at taking the advice Joshua gave him (particularly as this advice was usually given in a cynical, 'I'm-stating-the-obvious' tone), talking to someone about it did seem to make him feel a bit better. That was why he couldn't quite shut Josh out. He had to try and distinguish between the Composer who, just a few months ago had killed Neku for the second (and, Neku hoped, final) time, and the friend Joshua had been, both in the game and in the weeks following Neku's return to the RG. Neku hated to admit that Joshua was… somewhat useful.

"Penny drop, Neku?"

"Stop pretending that you know what I'm thinking" replied Neku flatly, as his mind returned to the problem in hand.

"Oh but I do, Neku… perhaps not in a psychic kind of way, but in the subtle detail of your priceless facial expressions…" mused Joshua, still smirking. He had to make every sentence drip with cynicism and smugness, the little bastard…

He continued on "And today, Neku, I sense that the problem in hand is, once again, involving Miss. Shiki Misaki? Correct"

How'd he… Neku just nodded, and Joshua sighed. He then raised a hand to his chin, musing upon what Neku had confirmed. To Neku, his silence seemed to last an eternity. Why wasn't Joshua saying anything? Wait… did he want him to? He didn't care… dependence on others wasn't worth it. After today, he was once again untrustworthy of people in general. The more you let them in, the more you can get hurt. Nonetheless, he was still expecting some kind on quip from the musing Composer beside him. Why wasn't he-

"Explain." said Joshua. "Don't tell me you're still unsure of your feelings about her. You've been going on about this for weeks… I thought I'd finally got out of that loop. Like I said, after only one week with her, she became what you value most! That has to mean something!" Joshua sounded annoyed, like he was tired of constantly dealing with this.

"Yeh… after you said that I thought I should just face the facts… but then I got thinking" he was internally fuming at Joshua for talking like he was an idiot, when clearly it was Joshua who wasn't registering all the facts. "Value and love are two very different things. How do I know? They took Shiki as my entry fee for the second week. Because she helped me. Because she was all I had in the UG. That's why I valued her. But after the second week, after you had helped me despite annoying the hell out of me… that's what showed me she wasn't the only one. That's why they took all the players. All I needed was… anyone…" he sighed. "I like Shiki. I care about her. Just… maybe not in the right way…" he paused, and then the thought of what he had seen sprang back into his mind. "No… that's a lie."

Josh cocked his head inquisitively, waiting for Neku to do what he always did… end up in an inevitable loop. Instead, he said something slightly different to normal.

"I do like her. But… I don't want to be with her… not in the way I've heard about love… I was worried she liked me more than I like her. But I still don't want her to be…argh!" He stood up. Now what? Did he expect to run?

"Where are you going to run to, Neku? You can't run from reality."

It still always startled Neku when Joshua did that. It got on his nerves too. Was he really that predictable, or was Joshua gifted with some power to see his thoughts? Given Joshua's apparent power over Shibuya, he wouldn't be surprised. Neku sighed, and instead of leaving, he leant back against the wall. Joshua clambered up to join him. Neku always noticed that despite the fact that Joshua had skill and poise when fighting, he remained inherently awkward in making ordinary human movements. He pushed his hair from his eyes and spoke again.

"Just tell me, Neku." He crossed his arms "Whatever it is, you can trust me." He smirked and then giggled "Hh-Hm…Is Shiki getting it on with Eri or something?"

"NO, SHIKI IS NOT GETTING IT ON WITH ERI." Neku's anger wavered. "I…" he sighed and hesitated. Joshua would find out anyway. "I saw her with Beat. They were… well… I could tell something was going on."

"Sure?"

"Definitely."

Neku had not seen Joshua particularly surprised before… he always liked to pretend he already knew whatever anyone told him.

"I… I didn't expect that…"

Was that all? Neku exhaled angrily, and turned around. He banged his head against the wall a couple of times before Joshua grabbed his shoulder.

"Stop it, Neku." He grabbed Neku's upper arms and held him so that they were facing each other. "You weren't even sure about her, remember? If you really-"Neku turned away and Joshua shook him slightly "Neku, look at me!" If you really liked her, then why did I have to listen to you constantly drone about her every time we met after the game? On and on and on… is there a spark, am I being too nice, does she like me back…" he trailed off and waved his hand in an 'etc. etc.' way.

Neku looked straight back at him, and spoke, a passive-aggressive note to his quiet words.

"I'm sorry, Joshua. I thought that maybe you didn't mind listening to me. That maybe your help was an apology for me, to make up for all the shit you put me through, because God knows you've never apologized verbally! Or that maybe, just maybe, you were listening to me because you were my friend?"

He slid back down the wall, unable to make out why his eyes were stinging with tears. All he knew is that friends listen and don't care if you moan. Joshua wasn't a friend at all. He hid behind his fringe as Joshua sat back beside him.

"I did listen Neku. It's just tiring to watch you go in circles. So let me stop being the understanding friend and just tell it to you straight. Love is not one huge heart-shaped thing that bathes you in a soft pink glow. It's a subtle combination of things that link you to one person. There's the physical attraction. There's the care for the actual person and their happiness. But there's something else, which you seem to be missing when you talk about Shiki. That is the depth of knowledge about the person. From their character traits to their past. You can never tell me whether you love her; because you don't know each other enough to get that close. Three things. You need them all."

Neku listened, and knew Joshua was right. In fact, all he could feel was the 'care for the actual person' bit. The want for her to be OK and not get hurt. Its not like he spent their time together wanting to kiss her. Now all he could feel was self-loathing.

"I'm not sure, Josh. I try my best to let someone in and all I get is pain and anger."

"But did you really, Neku?"

"What?" Neku was confused.

"Did you let her in, Neku? Or did you wander round, having her as a friend and trying to give her subtle signs that you liked her, but never actually getting close to her?"

Neku said nothing, but he felt warm fingertips over his hand, which was lying on the ground. His first instinct was that Joshua was about to hold his hand. No, of course not. Joshua simply gave the hand a reassuring stroke, crossed his arms and then spoke arrogantly again.

"Struck a chord?"

"Shut up, Joshua." He felt suddenly annoyed at Joshua's words, especially as he had forgotten what Joshua had said prior to that. He had to rewind his mind past the hand… oh yes, Joshua had revealed that Neku hadn't really let Shiki in at all. And he was right. But…

"But I tried my best, Joshua… I…" he sighed "Maybe I just can't do this… I can't get close to anyone… because they're not like me… I've never found anyone I get on with enough to do that…" he sounded slightly annoyed

"Really?" Josh raised one eyebrow again.

"Yes. So… no one will ever love me… I can't be loved."

"Neku… that's not… you just have to open your eyes and-"

"I can't confide in anyone, Josh." He grew angry at himself again. "Who the hell will I ever get close to? I could try my best but…no one will ever want to listen." He stood, pulled his headphones down to block out the sound, and angrily stuffed his hands into his pockets. He was about to walk away, when Joshua darted in front of him.

Joshua looked hard at Neku. His eyes flickered as if he were searching for something. Annoyed, Neku folded his arms and stared back, head on one side slightly.

"What?" he asked impatiently.

Joshua sighed as if a part of him had given in. And suddenly Neku felt himself being pulled with a strength Joshua hadn't used on him before, and without warning, Joshua softly kissed Neku on the mouth. They remained, lips gently touching, for only a few seconds. Was it the shock sending tingles down Neku's spine… or something else? Joshua stepped back sooner than Neku expected, but then had to reach out an arm again to stop Neku from wavering on the spot. Neku spluttered. Joshua looked down to hide his face under his hair. Was he blushing? Neku was still registering the kiss. He had never been kissed before… and it felt… he tried to kick his rational brain into gear. That's just what kissing feels like. It felt good… because… because Joshua was an angel. No more. Or… He looked Joshua in the eye and his chest burned. Did that mean…

"I'm sorry." Joshua swallowed. "But… you can be loved, you know."

He was silent for a moment more, then moved back a couple of steps.

Neku saw the glow… that meant… Joshua was going back to the higher plane… "No!"

Neku blushed. In his haste to stop the Composer from leaving, he had reached not for Joshua's wrist but for his hand.

"You can't just…" he trailed off.

"You looked…."Joshua was still hiding behind his hair, and talking uncharacteristically quietly. "I thought you wanted me to go."

Neku was all tangled up in his mind. The only thoughts he could manage to come out with were "But you're… you're the Composer."

Joshua nodded.

"But… I didn't think you could feel… anything like that…"

Joshua smiled, although he still looked strangely worried.

"Angel or no angel… I'm right here in front of you Neku. My body is living, and human… I have emotions… and… you're…" he tried to compose himself and go back to his matter-of-fact tone. "It's completely justified for me to feel this way."

Neku realized that they were still holding hands. His cheeks burned and he pulled his hand away, embarrassed.

Joshua looked down as his hand fell back down to his side. He sighed and when he spoke, his voice was frail again. "Did I screw up our friendship Neku?" Joshua was searching for any sign in Neku's expression. Meanwhile, Neku was trying to convey as little emotion is he could.

"Neku?"

Neku finally said something.

"You use my name a lot."

Joshua giggled a little.

"Hh-hm… I like it."

That giggle wasn't quite so annoying right now. It was almost cute… Argh. Joshua had manipulated him with that angel kiss, he knew it. But then again… when he thought about Joshua's personality… their conversations… Argh bad brain. Everything was so messed up, and it was Joshua's fault. He was in the same place he had been with Shiki, all over again.

"Everything's changed." He said, without realizing he was thinking aloud.

Joshua suddenly sounded panicky "We can be the same, Neku, I swear… I… we can pretend it never happened and…"

"No." Neku said forcefully and folded his arms. Joshua looked down and shook his hair to cover his face again. Was he… crying? "Not everything can be the same, Josh.

"Really?" his eyes peered from the hair in despair.

Neku said nothing, but he moved his face closer to Joshua's to try and get him to look up. Joshua blinked back the tears and swallowed, then looked up at Neku. Their faces were milimetres apart.

"It can't be the same." Neku said.

And he gently kissed Joshua, sliding his hands up his face and reaching up into his soft silver hair. Stunned, Joshua wrapped his arms around Neku's waist, and kissed him back, with much more passion than he had the first time. Joshua slid his lips away and ran kisses down Neku's face and neck, running his tongue back up to his ear.

"You're a tricky one, Sakuraba."

He leaned back a little, slipping his hands into Neku's back pockets. Neku noticed that Josh's smile and smug expression had returned, although his eyes were still a little wet and red.

"You can talk." scoffed Neku… but he couldn't hide his smile.

"Hmm… three things…"

"Hh-Hm"

Neku lowered his brows. "What?"

"Predictable…"

Neku gave him a look.

"I know how to shut you up now." He went to kiss Joshua, but Josh instead laid a finger onto Neku's lips

"C'mon" Joshua grabbed Neku's hand "Let's find somewhere a little more private…"

"This is private" commented Neku, standing his ground.

"Ok, smartass, lets find somewhere which isn't a sewer."

"Fair enough… where?"

Joshua held his hand tighter and began pulling him into a run

"Follow my lead"

Neku laughed loudly.

"Screw that…"