What Sarah Said by Death Cab for Cutie
Author's Note: Yeah so I know there isn't actually a character named Sarah in House but I had to throw a nondescript character named Sarah to make this flow right. Sorry if that bothers anyone XD
She hasn't shown up for work in days. Nobody knows where she went or why. She doesn't answer calls and she clearly hasn't been home; when I went there everything seemed normal, just as I remembered it was when we used to be dating. Back when she was more concerned about getting the most out of the limited amount of life she had left than how her disease would affect my life. When she didn't show up to work for the first few days, it was dismissed by everyone, even by me, as typical her growingly typical behavior of going through yet another week of picking up women or men at bars every night after work as her self-destruction cycled back around. Nobody had expected to see, weeks later, how she is now.
I could tell something was wrong the second I stepped into the diagnostics room. The first thing I noticed was that only House and Cameron were there. My eyes focused on Cameron's face; she had a blank expression that almost frightened me. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to ask what was going on or not at that point. My mind was quickly made up when I saw the look on House's face; his normally stoic appearance was gone and was replaced by a look that conveyed the feeling that he had just heard the type of news that makes one wish they couldn't feel any emotions at all. I could only think of the worst in this situation; my mind automatically connected their looks to her abrupt disappearance. I hurriedly sat down before I was overcome with emotions. I could tell that House and Cameron knew I had made the connection and didn't bother saying anything; they didn't need to.
After several moments of silence as I processed the information that had been silently communicated to me, I managed to utter a mostly coherent statement. "H… how bad is she?" I solemnly asked.
Neither Cameron nor House answered my question; instead they both slowly turned their heads to look at each other before then turning their gazes to the ground. "Is she-" I began to ask the question that one hopes to never have to ask in their life.
"No," Cameron finally responded before I could finish, raising her head up and pointedly looking at me with the same blank expression she was wearing when I first walked in.
"Then what-?" I began to pose another question.
"She tried to kill herself," House said while he stood from his chair. Once he was standing, he began to slowly pace around the room and mutter things to himself.
I moved my gaze from House to look at Cameron who was now also looking at me as I searched my brain for things to say in a situation such as this. Instead I just came up with yet another question, "Is she here?" I wanted to see her and talk to her. Truth is, I miss when we were together and I would wake up to see her lying next to me.
"Yes-" Cameron began to answer.
"-But you can't see her," House finished. I had almost forgotten he was there.
"What?" I asked angrily. "Why can't I see her?"
"You can't see her because nobody can see her," House responded cryptically.
"Well since you both aren't giving me any straight answers I'm going to go to the ER and find her. And if she's not in the ER then I'll-" I started to say before I was interrupted by Cameron's pager beeping.
The look that Cameron subsequently gave House was the most frightening thing I ever remember. It was a look of complete desperation and sadness. "We have to go," she said before she ran out with House trailing closely behind her. I also followed without any comments by either as the elevator went down so painfully slow. "She tried again," Cameron spoke softly.
"What? Why was nobody watching her?" House asked and to my surprise he was the angriest I'd ever seen him. He was angrier about the situation now than he had ever been towards himself.
Cameron just shook her head as I stood silently; still unsure about what can be said in such a situation. When the elevator doors opened, the three of us ran out of them and followed Cameron, saying our "sorry"s to the people that we couldn't help running into. As we ran, someone stopped us in front of the ICU. It was Cuddy. "You can't go back there. I'm sorry."
When three voices began to yell at her, she quickly silenced us and told us we had to go in the waiting room and await further information. I could tell that she was just as shaken by what was going on and that she believed this was for the best, so I did what she asked and was followed by Cameron and House.
And it came to me then that every plan/Is a tiny prayer to father time
I wish I had more time with her. But then, would any amount of time had been enough? I don't know if I should be angry at her or angry at myself.
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU/That reeked of piss and 409
Maybe I should have been there for her more and been a better friend to her. The moments were going by so slowly as we waited for any news at all.
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself/That I've already taken too much today
I wonder if I deserve to be here right now, because it's possible that she is taking her last breaths right now or that she already has. Not knowing is driving me crazy. I would give her as many of my breaths as I could if it meant her being able to live longer, and yet she wanted to throw her own life away.
As each descending peak on the LCD/Took you a little farther away from me/Away from me
I'm sure now that she's dying somewhere near where I am, and I'm still not able to see her. People are going in and out of the same room; the one Cuddy had walking into. That only can mean that it's her room.
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines/In a place where we only say goodbye
Going crazy as my thoughts careened through my head, I stood and surveyed the environment of the hospital that now looked completely different as I saw it from a different perspective. When I was here for work, it was just a workplace. Now that it's personal, it seems like a scary place.
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend/On a faulty camera in our minds
Some part of me wonders that if she even makes it out of here alive, will she ever come back to work or will I never see her again. I know that she would rather die now and have control of her death than waiting for her disease to take over both her mental self and physical self. She would have no control of her limbs and would slowly lose her memories.
And I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose/Than to have never lain beside at all
Sitting back down, I thought back to what I recall as being one of the best points in my life: the time I spent with her. A slight smile came to my lips as I remembered all the good times we'd had together before it was quickly wiped off my face and replaced by a more solemn expression. I was glad that if this was the end, even though it would cause me the most pain I'd ever felt in my life, I did get to have those times with her.
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground/As the TV entertained itself
I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't noticed when my colleagues began to gather. Wilson was now here, and so were Taub, Chase, and Kutner. 'See? People do care about you,' I wanted to be able to tell her.
Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room/Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
House was standing now and he was pacing again, something that he didn't normally do. Everyone who was waiting for news about her were avoiding eye contact with each other or with anyone in the room.
And then the nurse comes round and everyone lift their heads
When the nurse came towards us, those of us who weren't already standing quickly stood and waited impatiently for the news. It was starting to seem like minutes were passing with everyone just looking at the nurse and I couldn't read her facial expression. Were we about to get good news or bad?
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said/That love is watching someone die
But then my mind wandered again, as it had been doing all day, to the past. Sarah had told me one day that love is watching someone die. At the time I hadn't understood what she meant by it. Now, I think I understand.
So who's gonna watch you die? So who's gonna watch you die
I know now that if the news we get is bad, I will be there with her to the end. And if the end had already come, I will regret for the rest of my life that I had obeyed Cuddy's instructions. I somehow hope she knows how I feel for her because she can't die thinking that nobody loved her when I am living proof that someone does.
A/N: Thanks for reading! Please review to help me improve my writing as this is my first House fanfic :]