Saved from suicide (Name x Karkat Vantas)

by Vizzy1997

this is my first fanfic about homestuck... it's about [Name], who is a depressed girl, and Karkat. hope you like it! (:

~[Name]'s POV~

I had walked here for hopefully the last time in hopefully my very short life. it isn't really the right weather for this. or maybe it is. the sun is standing high on the sky and it's the warmest day since the summer break from school started. it's also the day before my birthday. I don't know why I decided to do it this day. maybe because that would mean I never turned seventeen. I had my sweet sixteen, but it wasn't very sweet. it was just as much of a pain as all other days of the year. the only light my days had, was that troll boy in my school. I didn't have any classes with him, but I saw him at lunch and his locker was close to mine. but it wouldn't ever work out between the two of us, even if I wasn't that depressed girl who couldn't talk to anyone. it's because he's a troll. and trolls and humans aren't supposed to be together. trolls hate humans, humans hate trolls. and for some reason, I live in this stupid town where trolls and humans are forced to go to the same school. making it possible to fall in love with someone your supposed to hate.

~karkat's POV~

I want to be alone today. that's why I'm walking around in the forest like an idiot. but I'd get spammed by people trying to get in touch with me on trollian. most of them asking for advice on romance. sure I was good at it, but right now I needed to solve my own love problems. or more like, sort out my feelings for her. that human girl that I saw sometimes in school. she was so pretty. so perfect.

and isn't it weird how I, while thinking of her, see her. and what I do next, I do without even thinking.

~[Name]'s POV~

I've been sitting on the railway for only a minute when the sound of the train reaches my ears. I don't even know what I feel now. happiness? no. fear? no. numbness? possibly.

the sound grows, comes closer. I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

"so I'm finally leaving", I whisper to myself. "because no one ever cared." then a pair of hand grabs my shoulders and pulls me off the railway. I hear the train pass by us and open my eyes to see who saved my life.

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING?" a voice yells at me. though never really being close to him, I have no problem recognizing his voice. no one yells like that, no one else sounds angry really all the time, no one really talk like him. karkat vantas, my crush, just saved me from killing myself. wasn't much to save though, in my opinion.

"n-nothing", I stutter, but there's really no point in lying. because even the dumbest person ever would understand what I was trying to do.

"OH, YOU WERE DOING FUCKING NOTHING ALMOST GETTING HIT BY A TRAIN?!" he yells at me. it's not until I look into his eyes I realize that he actually seems to be worried. and it's not until then I realize that I'm crying. I've probably been since he pulled me off. I don't know how to answer him. how do I explain how worthless I feel? how do I explain how everyone makes me feel bad about myself? how do I explain why I shouldn't even live? how would he understand that? he wouldn't.

"HEY, TALK TO ME [NAME]", he says, his voice not really yelling anymore. but I don't know what to say. because I can't explain. but... why did he save me? how does he even know who I am? I wipe my tears away. I was just saved by my crush, I should be happy. but I'm more like in shock.

"[NAME] YOU BETTER FUCKING EXPLAIN WHAT THE FUCK YOU WERE DOING ON THAT RAILWAY."

"guess", turns out to be the best answer I can give him. my voice sounds dead, defeated, broken. everything but happy.

karkat's eyes widen, and I guess he actually didn't really know. or he just wanted to hope that I wasn't doing the obvious thing.

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT", he grabs my shoulders again and shakes me when I don't answer. he yells my name, but I turn my face away. he shouldn't be seeing me like this. no one's supposed to feel sorry for me. I'm alone. the loner.

he keeps yelling questions at me, sounding more and more worried. and I keep not answering. after a while, he gives up, and just stares at me. my face is still turned away, but I can feel his eyes on me. then he brings me in to a tight hug, and whispers in my ear, "you shouldn't end your life. there's good things awaiting. don't make them never happen", and then, even quieter, "don't make me need to miss you."

I pull apart from the hug and stand up. oh great, I think. this is some kind of prank to make me feel even worse? well, good job! I start to walk away, but karkat grabs my hand and makes me stop. he stands up and pulls me close I him, turns me to face him. his cheeks are red and his eyes full with worry.

"I'LL FOLLOW YOU HOME, AND YOU PROMISE ME TO NEVER FUCKING EVEN THINK OF DOING SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN, OKAY?" ha starts to pull me with him. the only thing in my mind at this moment is: does he know where I live?

it turns out he does, because after some minutes we're standing outside my door. when karkat turns around to leave I give him a confused look.

"YOUR PARENTS WOULDN'T FUCKING LIKE TO SEE ME HERE", he says. I wish it wasn't true, but I nod slowly and then he leaves. a part of me wants to run after him, kiss him, tell him I love him. but I do what the other parts of me wants, which is to walk in the door, up to my room, and put on music as loud my stereo can make it. my phone suddenly lights up by a message on pesterchum.

- carcinoGeneticist [CG] started trolling chumHandle [CH] -

CG: ARE YOU AT HOME?

CH: what d'you think?

(I don't like that he's trolling me, I'm a completely different person on the internet than in real life, he'll probably think differently of me now than if we'd ever actually meet in person again.)

CG: IF YOUR PARENTS DON'T CARE, WOULD YOU WANT TO MEET ME TOMORROW?

(I can't stop myself from blushing. I really want to say yes, and I know my parents won't care. well, they would if I said I was going to meet a troll, but I can just say I'm going out on a walk. I do that a lot so they wouldn't really notice any difference.)

CH: sure, what time?

CG: AROUND TEN AM

CG: IF THAT WORKS FOR YOU

CH: it does, but where?

CH: idk any places both of us usually come to?

CH: where we ... uh ... met today?

(first after typing out all that I realize how stupid it must seem that I'm literally talking to myself in my conversation with him.)

CG: IF THAT ISN'T A PROBLEM FOR THEN FUCKING OKAY

CH: well... see you then, I'm going to sleep now, g'night ;*

- chumHandle [CH] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] -

I read through our conversation with a stupid smile in my face. until that last message. okay, I send that emoticon to everyone when I write the last message for the day. but to karkat? what would he think of me now? I just can hope he won't dislike me for some reason. I read through the conversation again, and again, and again...

~Karkat's POV~

I wake up much earlier than I need to. but I get up, eat breakfast, get dressed in my usual black turtle neck with the cancer sign on. then I check trollian. I have a few messages from terezi, nepeta, kanaya, gamzee and eridan. but I don't answer them, they don't need to know what I'm going to do today.

~[Name]'s POV~

for some reason, my parents don't really want me to get out this early. they don't seem suspicious, but I've been out a real lot and they think I should try to hang out with friends sometime. hah, I think. what friends?

at half past ten, they finally let me out, after I've pretended to text half the girls in my class asking them to hang out. and telling my parents that they said no.

before getting out, I decide to change clothes. instead of my usual long sleeved shirt I put on a tank top and a summer jacket over it. karkat saw me almost killing myself yesterday. it doesn't matter if he sees my cuts as well. luckily for me, the cuts on my arms has almost faded, it's the ones on my legs that look really bad. but only an idiot would be wearing shorts today so he wouldn't... shouldn't ask why I'm wearing full length jeans.

I get to railway at eleven am. karkat's not here. of course it was a prank, I think. it was just a way to make me suffer even more. a train passes by at a high speed. I slowly wonder what it would've looked like if I had been sitting there. got hit by it. I guess there'd be parts of me everywhere by now. and I guess no one would miss me.

then I feel someone knock on my shoulder. I quickly spin around, grabbing the hand touching me.

"WHAT THE FUCK", karkat looks scared. I smile slowly, I had just done a perfect ninja move.

"WHY ARE YOU LATE?" karkat asks. I tell him that my parents didn't really want to let me out in the morning and he nods in understanding.

"so, uh", I should've stayed quiet because I have no idea what to say. "what should we do?" I finally find a question to ask.

"I DON'T KNOW, WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?"

"doesn't matter to me", I say. "but we can't be anywhere in public, because we're not supposed to be close to each other... except for in school where'd we be forced to it, but if we seemed like we liked it everyone'd hate us..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP", karkat suddenly yells. I look down at the ground, he was right, I should shut up. I talk too much when I finally get the chance to talk to someone I like, and someone I was hoping wouldn't mind it. but obviously not. no one can stand me. then karkat left.

~time skip~

~karkat's POV~

I didn't feel good having to act like that towards her. she already seemed deeply depressed. and I'm flushed for her. but, I saw vriska in the forest, looking at us. so I hadn't really had an other option than pushing [Name] away, making it seem like she was disturbing me. trolls and humans aren't supposed to be friends. whatever we'd do, we'd be wrong. so fucking wrong. I had got a few messages from her on trollian, but I couldn't answer them. I hadn't even read them, because that would probably have been enough for me to break, and try to meet her again. I'd have to wait until school started again. then find a place I could talk to her in private, and explain. that we can never be friends.

that's what I though was a good plan until the nightmares started.

I just woke up from one. I get out of my recuperacoon and get in to my usual clothing with [Name]'s terrified face glued to my mind. the nightmare is always the same. it is about the day I pulled her off the railway. but in the nightmare, I came a little too late. and instead of pulling her off, i pushed her. but I didn't have time to get off. I was the one who died, and the last thing I saw before dying was her terrified face.

this night, the nightmare had gone on longer. she had picked up the parts of my body that were spread out all over the place. then she had walked to our school, and all students were sitting in the assembly hall. she put the pieces of my body in front of everyone. then took up a gun and shot herself. after she died, she said, "because we're not allowed."

I stare in to the wall, trying to force the nightmare out of my mind. I don't want to remember it. but there's one part of my mind saying I should remember it, and that I should see her. right now. and stop thinking of if the others would hate us for it. I want her. and she might need me.

~[Name]'s POV~

I haven't seen karkat since he abandoned me in the forest. he hasn't even answered my messages on pesterchum.

as every other day, I start this one by going to the bathroom, taking my blade, and cut. my arms and legs look so much worse than they've ever done before. my crush brought me to the forest and then left me. I should've stayed there. I should've killed myself. but a small part of me still had the hope that he'd show up. and that we'd find a way to be a couple. that was, of course, if he had feelings for me. which I highly doubted. but we could find a way to be friends.

i hear the doorbell ring and quickly hide my blade. I look down at my arm, it's bleeding, but not much. as fast as I can, I get back to my room and take a long sleeved shirt, then I walk to open the door.

my eyes widen in shock when I see karkat. then his eyes widen in shock when he sees my legs. I mentally facepalm as I realize I'm in underwear and he can see the cuts on my legs perfectly. I try to close the door, but he puts his hand in the way and walks in to the house.

"ARE YOUR FUCKING PARENTS HOME?" he asks. I shake my head, he closes the doors and seems like he's going to walk somewhere, but he just stands there. probably because he doesn't know where any of the rooms are. so I lead him to my bed room.

"what are you doing here?" I ask. though I have a bad feeling about this, I think it's worth giving him a chance. I always give everyone a chance.

"WELL I FUCKING WANT TO APOLOGIZE FOR THAT DAY", karkat says. "I SAW ONE OF MY TROLL FRIENDS, AND SHE SAW US TOO."

I don't know what to answer. I'd like to know why he didn't tell me earlier, but I'm too shy to just ask that. luckily, I don't actually need to, because he continues talking.

"YOU FUCKING KNOW HUMANS AND TROLLS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER, NOT EVEN AS FUCKING FRIENDS. THAT'S WHY I NEVER FUCKING ANSWERED YOUR MESSAGES."

"okay", is the only thing I can make myself say. then karkat's eyes turn to look at my legs. then at my arms. I follow his gaze, and realize that it has bled through the sleeves. karkat takes one of my hands in his both, and then pulls up the sleeve. he looks up in my eyes, and he looks terrified. I just stand there like an idiot when he leaves my bedroom and I hear him walk around for a while. I look down at my bloody arms. what does he think of me now? I wonder to myself.

he appears in my bedroom again, bandage in his hands. he carefully wraps it around my arms, after removing the blood with a towel. then he makes me sit down on my bed, and he sits down next to me.

"I DON'T WANT IT TO BE FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE FOR US TO BE FRIENDS", he says. I nod and say "yes" quietly. "WHAT ABOUT WE FUCKING IGNORE WHAT EVERYONE WILL THINK ABOUT US?"

I nod again. I don't really know what to say, but I do agree with him. though, I'd like to be more than friends. seeing him in school every day was enough to make me have a crush on him. talking to him for a few minutes, well, I'm so much in love as one could possibly be.

"my parents will be home soon", I say after checking the time on my phone. "they wouldn't like seeing you here."

"SO YOU DON'T..."

"I want to be friend with you, but you have to leave, now", I start to lead him out of my bedroom. "can we meet at the same place as the last time in an hour? if I don't show up at time, it's because of my parents."

"OKAY FINE", he says and walks out the front door, just before he closes it, he turns to face me again. "WILL YOU BE OKAY?"

I nod, "I always am", I say, though it's a lie and he knows it. then he closes the door and leaves.

~karkat's POV~

I walk directly to where we're going to meet. she said in an hour, but I have nothing better to do. and I need to overthink this. I do have red feelings for her, flushed feelings. but we're not supposed to be anything together. we're not even supposed to talk to each more than telling the other one to get our of the way if they happen to be standing in our way. trolls and humans both think that their species is the better one. it's time for that to stop, I know it's been like this for long. but if me and [Name] can make it out to be friends, then why couldn't others? if we even want to be friends, also others should be able to have those feelings for someone of the other species. and we're gonna start, and at least I hope, that we can change this fucking place, and open up for more trolls and humans to be together. because we can't be the only ones wanting to break this hate.

after fifty minutes, [Name] shows up. I still need time to think though so I walk away a bit, to wait until that whole hour has gone. I, in human words, love her, a fucking lot. she cuts herself, she almost killed herself. I stopped her from the last thing, and for some reason, she didn't try again after I abandoned her. that could mean something. what I don't know, actually don't even know how to decide, is wether I should tell her my feelings or not. because if she doesn't have the same feelings for me that could ruin the whole friendship we'll be trying to build.

my ten minutes of thinking has soon passed by, and I still don't know what to do. but I start walking towards her.

~[Name]'s POV~

karkat shows up exactly at the right time. I smile stupidly at him, but then I stop. I can't let him guess I have any feelings for him. that would be terrible. I don't know how to handle my own feelings, but if there's one thing I know for sure, it's that I won't ever tell him. if he likes me, if there's any chance for us to be, as trolls say, matesprits, then he had to make the first move. because I'm too insecure to do that.

"HEY", karkat says when he's standing only two meters from me.

"hey", I say and can't stop myself from a fast and quiet laugh. he smiles at me. it's the first time ever I see karkat smile. that's really something that had never happened before, at least not what I know. karkat's blushing, his face is bright red. first after looking at him for what feels like hours but probably only was a second, I realize how weird that is. trolls don't use to have red blood. but I don't care if he's different. while thinking of it, I think I've heard someone calling him a mutant. it was probably a conversation I wasn't supposed to hear, but I'm good at hearing things I shouldn't, and really always by coincidences. for one, I know karkat used to be flushed for terezi, but now they're friends and they're both happy with that.

"I NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING", karkat says. he looks straight in to my eyes. I can't tell what feeling is hiding in them, but I'm not sure if I'd want to.

"what?" I ask when he doesn't continue by himself. his blush gets stronger. I smile insecurely.

"I'M... I'm flushed for you", he says quietly. I can't believe my ears. I don't know what to answer. but I know what it means, he loves me back. now it's my turn to tell him. I open my mouth to say something, but I can't.

~karkat's POV~

since it might be my only chance ever, I take her hands and kiss her. when she doesn't kiss back, I pull away. she's staring at me like in shock. then she pulls me close to her and hugs me.

"I prefer hugs", she whispers in my ear. "you need to know that if we're gonna be matesprits."

~[Name]'s POV~

I think karkat will pull away from my hug, he's probably disappointed. but he doesn't. instead he brings me closer, almost as if he wanted me to fall in to his body and make the two of us to be one.

"matesprits?" he asks quietly.

"yes", I say.

"even if everyone will hate us for it?"

"yes", I say again.

"and", his voice goes ever quieter. "promise me to never hurt yourself again."

I hesitate for half a second, then I whisper my answer, "okay."

then I kiss him, and he kisses back. this is what it should be like, and I'm happy for the first time on very long.