AN: Hello lovely readers. :) I decided to write this for my FemHawke after playing through "All That Remains" in DA:II because it still crushes me. I also felt that Hawke didn't really get to express her grief and found myself wondering what it would have looked like if she had. This takes place after the romance with Anders has already started and he is living in the estate.
Hawke's head swiveled as she started to drift off to sleep and she jerked herself awake, nearly falling out of her armchair in the process. Her mabari, Sven, was startled awake by the jolt and sat up from his spot on the floor to watch her. She returned her attention to the flames in the fireplace, hoping it's light would help her stay awake. Sven rested his large head in the rogue's lap and gave a soft whine. Hawke's chin-length black hair fell around her face as she dipped her head down to look at him. The massive dog's brown eyes peered up at her sadly, knowing there was nothing he could do to help. Hawke gently scratched the space between his eyes and he moved to nuzzle her hand.
"I know, you miss her, too . . ." She muttered. The dog suddenly perked up and looked to the front door moments before a quiet knocking sounded on the wood. Dread settled in Hawke. Her friends came by continuously to check on her. It was a gesture she appreciated, but she really just wanted to be alone. Perhaps if she didn't answer, they would leave her be.
"Don't worry, I'll get it." Anders emerged from the library and strode swiftly past her to the foyer. Hawke heard the door open and Merrill's quick words eventually drifted into the room.
"I'll only be a few moments, I swear. I want to show Hawke something," Merrill insisted. Hawke's curiosity was piqued, she had to admit.
"I know you mean well, but I don't think this is the best time," Anders said.
"It's alright, Anders," Hawke called into the foyer. A few moments later Merrill rushed into the room as Anders shut the front door. Merrill stood in front of Hawke with one hand lifted. Whatever she was holding, it was small enough to conceal in the palm. Now that she was here, the elf seemed to be second guessing herself. The debate was clear on her face as she hesitated to lower her hand. Finally, she extended her hand to Hawke and her slender fingers uncoiled to reveal five long green seeds.
"They're the seeds of a willow tree. How much do you know of Dalish custom?" Merrill asked.
Hawke shook her head. "Not much, I'm afraid, except what you've told me."
"When we lose those we love, it's custom to plant a tree over their grave as a way of helping new life spring forth from death. With your permission, I would like to plant this in Leandra's honor. A willow tree would be so elegant, just like she was. I won't plant it over her grave, as the Dalish do. I've heard that humans don't like to disrupt their dead and I doubt you want the roots to . . ." The elf cut herself short and shook her head, a pained expression of guilt and apology turning her expression downward. "I'm rambling, again, sorry. I would like to plant it behind your house if there's room. If there's not, we could plant it outside the city."
Hawke's throat tightened. "It's a lovely thought, Merrill, thank you." A hand touched Hawke's shoulder and she placed her hand on top of Anders's.
"I don't believe we would be allowed to plant a tree around the house since there's not much room in the back, but perhaps we could petition the Viscount for permission to plant it somewhere in the city," he offered.
"Oh, that's a wonderful idea! I'll go straight away." Merrill clamped her hand closed so she wouldn't drop any of the seeds and sprinted from the room.
"I didn't mean right now. It'll probably take a few days. Merrill!" Anders hurried after her and the door opened and closed with a clamor. Hawke stood to stretch her legs and looked absently around the room. Sven whined in the direction of the door, confused by the sudden fuss.
"It's alright, boy," Hawke cooed. Anders returned shortly, out of breath from running.
"Bloody girl is quick," he complained. "She'll probably just be turned away at the door."
"I don't think even her persistence will get her an audience with him anytime soon. How late is it?" Hawke inquired as she leaned on the frame of the arch that separated the rooms.
"About midday."
Hawke nodded. "You should return to your clinic. Two and a half days is long enough for to remain closed, I'm sure there are people who need your help."
Anders stepped in front of her and ran his arms along her upper arms comfortingly. "I want to be here for you."
"Please, you do so much good for them. Don't forsake your patients for my sake; I'll be fine here. Bodahn and Sandal are around somewhere and Sven doesn't leave my side, so I won't be alone." She placed her hands on his chest to nudge him toward the door. Instead her hands clenched around fistfulls of his robes, reluctant to let him go. But she needed to. After a deep breath her hands relaxed so they were flat against his chest. She closed her eyes so she wouldn't see the sadness on his face. "Please, go," she whispered.
Anders's fingers caressed the side of her face, the other arm wove around her waist, and his lips pressed against her forehead. "Alright," he whispered. She revelled in his warmth until he stepped away, leaving a chilled void. She kept her eyes closed so she wouldn't see him leave. Only when she heard the door close did she open them. The house was now so quiet that her bare feet made soft slapping noises on the cold floor as she padded back to her armchair.
Anders helped the young boy to his feet, his fractured leg fully healed. His mother scooped the child into her arms joyfully and the healer nodded along to her gratuitous thanks. She passed a flaxen dwarf on her way out and Anders tensed under the scrutiny of the dwarf's disapproving scowl.
"What the hell are you doing here, Blondie? I went by the estate to check up on Hawke and Bodahn said you'd been here since this afternoon," Varric said.
"Mind your own business," Anders snapped. He turned back to his operation table and gathered up the elixirs he had used on the boy. He carried them to his desk and kept his back to the dwarf while he started to meticulously organize his already organized supplies.
"Hawke is my business just as much as she is yours. Why would you leave her alone at a time like this?"
The Warden gripped a regeneration poultice tightly in his hand as his anger bubbled to the surface. Before he could gather enough calm to put it down, he chucked it at the wall. It shattered and the red liquid dripped down the bricks like a splattering of blood. With his hand now empty, Anders raked his fingers roughly through his hair and even yanked the tie from his ponytail. "She won't let me help her, Varric. It's killing me to see her in pain like this. For all my skill with healing magic, I can't heal a broken heart. What use is this blasted magic if I can't make her pain go away?"
A grim frown wiped the sarcasm from the dwarf's tone. "It would be easier, but she needs to work through it. It would do neither her or her mother any Justice if she didn't grieve."
Anders scoffed at the dwarf's mention of the healer's spirit companion and turned to scowl at Varric. "Don't patronize me. I know she needs to grieve."
The dwarf held his hands up apologetically. "I wasn't trying to patronize you, Blondie. But you know better than I do how stubborn Hawke can be. She doesn't like it when people worry about her but right now we need to worry more about what she needs that what she wants. Go. Home."
Hawke's head bobbed in her attempt to stay awake until the front door creaked open in the other room. The sound was unnerving to her raw nerves but she reminded herself that it was just Anders returning from the clinic. "How did it go?" She called out. When he refused to answer she wondered if he was still upset about her dismissal earlier. She remained slumped against the chair as a tightness formed in her chest. The last thing she wanted to do was to push him away.
"I'm sorry about before. I know you want to help, I just . . . I don't know how to let you." She stopped when it felt as though she might cry and waited for his reply. Still, none came. Nor did he come into the room. Was he just standing by the door? Or had she been mistaken and the sound had been Bohdan heading out to the market? "Anders?" she questioned. An uneasy feeling pressed down on her in the silence and she pushed to her feet. The hairs on her neck stood as she veered around the chair to the archway that separated the rooms and her heart nearly stopped when she peered at the door. Leandra's corpse, or rather, the piece of patchwork that the monster had attached Leandra's head to stood by the door. Her mother's clouded eyes found her and Hawke stumbled back.
She let out a shriek as she awoke and Sven bolted to his feet, alert. Hawke was perched at the end of her chair and gripped both armrests tightly. With a shaky deep breath she stood. "It's alright, boy." He whined softly when she patted his head, knowing she was lying the way Mabari do. She could only just muster the courage to look to the front door as she passed the archway to the foyer and was relieved to find it empty. From the look of it, it was very late. Bohdan and Sandal were likely asleep and it seemed Anders had remained at his clinic. Would he come home tonight? She felt lonely in his absence, but reminded herself that it had only been at her behest that he'd gone.
The library was well lit, as always and Hawke trudged up the staircase. Anders wasn't allowed to move books from the bookshelf at the top, as these were the ones given to Hawke as gifts or suggestions. Still, she found another copy of his "Manifesto" stuffed between "The Complete People's Laws of Kirkwall" and Varric's "Hard in Hightown". She shook her head. Remembering her earlier visit from Merril, Hawke pulled out the book she had started ages ago on Dalish customs. She really should learn more about her friend's beliefs and perhaps reading would help her stay awake. After situating herself at the nearby table she cracked the book open to find her spot. The note tucked between the pages made her drop the book in surprise and the book slumped against the wood loudly.
The day Merrill had given her this book, there had been nothing else lying around so Hawke had used a note left by Leandra as a bookmark. "Anders finished moving the rest of his books in while you were out. He spent hours organizing the disarray of books you claim to have alphabetized in some way. He really is a nice man. Reminds me a little of your father, actually. I promised him I would look into getting a cat but that I would ask you, first. What do you think?" the note read. Hawke's nose tingled and a tear splatted onto the page. Footsteps clumped up the stairs but she didn't turn.
"Marian?" Anders's hand touched her shoulder. He knelt beside her and she started to shake and let out a sob as the emotions broke free. She reached over and wrapped her arms tightly around him. Finally, she let herself cry as she sank into his arms. He didn't speak, just held her tight in his lap and let her feel the heartache she had been fighting.