You're blaming him for something unfair
I know I told him 10 months ago I didn't want him to change. And yes, I meant it. But I realize now that it had been the most stupid thing I could have told him. I know he's in pain. I know we are the two most complicated people in the world. But I believed that night he really was there to comfort me. And now.. now I don't know what to believe anymore. He was stoned.. I thought he really cared about me. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it had been all a game. Maybe he lied about loving me..
No.
That couldn't be.
Everytime he saw me I could see his pale blue eyes lighting up. Everytime he touched me I could feel his tenderness. And that smile he treasured only for me.
Now I'm really questioning myself.
What's wrong with me? Of course he loved me. Of course I loved him. Still am. But if things don't work out, sometimes you have to give it a break, isn't it? No. Give it a break is not the right way of phrasing it. There is no way back. That critical moment I went to his apartment to confront him about the pills I already knew it was over. I knew what I was going to do, what I was going to say. Deep inside I knew exactly what was going to happen, how he was going to react. Nothing could have stopped me, I was going to break his heart..
No, please don't.
He screwed up.
I screwed up.
We're just two people screwing up.
I can do better.
I know he's sitting on that floor right now. Waiting for me to come. But I can't. I can't give in to him anymore. He is a self-centered son of a bitch. A self-centered self-destructive son of a bitch.
No.
I'm not gonna save him this time.
This time he has to do it alone.
This time I am being the selfish one.
I'm lying in bed. Alone. Looking at the empty spot beside me. I'm not used to sleep alone anymore. I haven't slept alone since a year and a half. Okay, some nights I did.
Not with these aching feelings of sorrow.
His smell is hunting me. I'm burying my head in what used to be his pillow inhaling his scent. For a moment I'm able to see us together again. My cheek resting in the crook of his neck. One leg around his waist. Chills running down my spine because of his arms embracing me. In his arms I had felt strong.
I heard something. Sitting up straight I'm listening again. Now I can clearly hear Rachel crying. Jumping out of bed and walking to her room I'm thinking of letting her sleep in my bed. Opening the door I can see her standing upright in the crib.
'Sweetie, what's going on? Bad dream?'
The toddler nodded and cried out hard.
'I'm taking you with me to bed, okay?'
Rachel nodded again.
A few minutes later we're lying together in my bed.. Rachel had stopped crying, she apparently noticed I was not going to comfort her, because something else was going on.
'Mommy?'
'Yes, sweetie?'
'Why he not here?' You could have seen that one coming. Of course she had noticed his absence.
'What?'
'Hows?'
I didn't know how to answer that one simple question coming from her. How can you explain to a toddler that you've broken up with someone?
'Err.. he's at his own place, Rach.'
'Why?'
'Because he needs some time alone.' Actually you were the one needing that.
'Why?'
'Because mommy and House had a fight.'
'What about?'
'Nothing.. Go to sleep, Rach. It's almost midnight.'
'NO! I wanna know why!' Rachel started crying again.
'Because sometimes people just don't know how to be around each other anymore..'
'Oh.' Rachel answered satisfied. She didn't know what the hell I'd just told her, but as long as she got her answer everything was fine.
'I miss him.' She whispered after a few minutes had passed.
'Me too.' I turned my face towards her. Tears were now silently falling down her face.
'He come back soon, mommy?'
'I don't think so, sweetie.' You'll just forget him.
'But I like him!'
'I know you do.' It will be like he has never existed in your little life.
'I want him back! I want a night kissy!'
'What?' I was stunned. 'Did he do that often? He gave you one the nights he was here?'
'Yeah. Our dirrrrty little secret, he says.' She giggled softly.
I couldn't help but smile at her innocent words. I knew he secretly liked Rachel. I noticed that night when Rachel had crawled onto his lap and he hadn't known how to handle the awkward situation. His hesitating arm embracing her, his words about her being a smart kid. About the non admission at Waldenwood.
But giving her a goodnight kiss?
'I want daddy back..'
Wait. Did she just say.. daddy? I could feel something snapping inside me.
'What did you say, Rach?'
'Back..?'
'No.. You said.. daddy?'
'Yeah.'
'Did he ask you to call him that?' No, of course he didn't. He isn't that kind of person. Stupid question.
'No. I asks him and he says okay.'
Tears were running down my face.
I never expected this. I just kicked him out of my life while my daughter had just started to call him 'daddy'. This was what I had wanted, what I had longed for. The three of us to be a family, even though I had known it would have been impossible according to our history.
But no. This wasn't an excuse for him to claim me back.
No. I had made a decision. I'm not going to change my mind about some stupid thing!
Stupid..? What the hell is wrong with me?
'Mommy said?' Rachel asked suddenly.
'Yeah. Mommy misses him so much, sweetie.'
'Why you not call him and say we need him?' Ouch.
I sighed. 'Because I can't..'
You know he was trying, but you just wouldn't admit it.
In your eyes he still hadn't changed enough.
You guys were mostly doing fine.
Until you got sick and he didn't show up at your bedside.
Can't you see he just couldn't face the truth of you possibly dying?
That he was actually scared of that thought.
The thought of being alone.
The thought of living without you.
That was the reason he took the pills.
He wanted to be with you.
To comfort you.
To hold your hand.
He did.
Stoned.
He just couldn't do without.
You're blaming him for something unfair.