The Tale of Force Commander Vanilla Ice
Originally written up as a joke for tg…if you don't know, don't ask, you're not ready.
Rated m for Language
The Commander stood up as the Eldritch storm dissipated from the battlefield, he looked around with grim satisfaction as he took in the sight. Many Eldar lay dead, most from chainsword and bolter rounds, but several had died from the Eldritch storm that had swept the battlefield. The Commander's Sergeants, the only other survivors that he could see from the carnage, were slowly getting back to their feet. The Commander turned towards Tarkus, who had just gotten back to his feet, and was about to walk over to the veteran sergeant to convey upon their next move when he felt something move out of place.
He stopped in shock, this had never happened before, never in his 168 years of service to the Emperor. Tentatively he shook his head, as if not believing what was happening. At this time, Tarkus had made his way over to the Commander. "Commander I believe that…By the Emperor!" he stopped in shock, staring at the Commander.
Fearing the worst, the Commander raised his power sword, and had to fight to look at his reflection. What he saw, confirmed it, his worst nightmare had occurred, his hair had fallen out of place. The Commander's moment of shock and horror was suddenly punctuated by a sudden incoming signal from the Commander's vox channel. Unthinkingly, the Commander answered, and was greeted by the face of an Eldar, who looked rather pleased with herself. "I may have lost many of my people today mon-keigh, but I am glad to see that their lives were not spent in vain."
The Commander felt a rage building inside him, a fury that he had never felt the likes of which before. "IDRANEEEEEEEEEEEEEL!" He roared at the top of his artificially enhanced lungs. "Come at me if you must mon-keigh, but know that you will not get retribution from me." Idranel told him, before terminating the connection. "Commander, we must ignore the xeno's taunts and concentrate on the…" Tarkus said before being interrupted by a loud CRASH! Tarkus spun around with lighting reflexes forged from a lifetime of combat. He turned to see a large space marine shaped hole in the wall of one of the surrounding buildings, and then heard the Commander over the vox channel. "MARTELLUS, GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT INTO THE AIR! I HAVE SOME FAGGY SPACE ELVES TO KILL!"
"Commander, what about the Tyranids?" Tarkus asked in panic, as Martellus gave a scared affirmative to the Commander. "FUCK THOSE PURPLE BUGS, NOBODY TOUCHES MY HAIR AND LIVES!" The Commander roared back into the vox channel. "But Commander, we have to save..." Tarkus started, before finding the communication channel terminated. "Ah fuck it." He said, turning back to the rest of the force, who had been watching the Commander's rage in stunned silence. "Gabriel Angelos? Yea, something came up and the Commander is no longer on the mission. What? What do you mean Diomedes is the only one in the area…fine, but tell him to keep his helmet on."
It is said that the Commander spent many centuries chasing the Farseer Idranel for retribution, mercilessly crushing any xeno or heretic that stood in his way. But no matter how great his fury and zeal, the slippery Farseer would always escape his grasp. After his sudden departure, Captain Diomedes took command of the Blood Raven forces in the sector, and eventually earned the ire of the Inquisition, after reportedly being given the hat of Inquisitor Adrastia, who claims no knowledge of such a transaction ever occurring. The Commander was later found to be serving with the Angry Marines, after being declared "JUST FUCKING ANGRY ENOUGH, SINCE HE'S A FUCKING BOOKWORM PANSY!" It is even said that he eventually caught up with Farseer Idranel and had a final showdown, but such is a story for another time.