(I'm pinky. I'm loony. Last night ate macaro-ney…) Babs, forgot rule number one? (Yes, yes, I know; the author talks before the assistant, but hey, you can make an exception for everyone's favorite pink rabbit girl, right?) Yes, Babs, but Ying isn't here. (Ying? That amateur wouldn't get a laugh from a rabid hyena!)
I'm just joking, Babs. Anyway, glad to be back in this part of the site; I've had some sort of writer block concerning this series. (Funny; I always get a writer block when doing my English homework.) Seriously? (No… but it's a good excuse, don't you think?) –sigh- Can you say the disclaimer, please?
(Of course; DISCLAIMER: Ramiro, as you guys already know, doesn't own Tiny Toon Adventures, all the characters copyrighted by Warner Brothers. This story is written without profit intentions, written permission, or pants.) Babs, I'm wearing pants! (Oh; and I'm not?) No, you don't! (See? Then I'm right!) Maybe what kept me away from this part of the site wasn't a writer's block, but my subconscious trying to save my sanity from you. (Aw, don't be that harsh, fatty; you know you like me.) Sadly, that's right… but you'll better tell Buster I just like you as a toon, character and assistant; don't want him putting dynamite on my bedroom.
Okay, now, to finally start this, we need the… (WHEEL OF MORALITY!) BABS! That's another show! (Oops, sorry; I mean, the… WHEEL OF COMEDY!)
The large wheel, with all the characters on it, appears behind Babs, and she gives it a good push. After some seconds, it starts slowing down…
And today's story will be stared by… CALAMITY COYOTE! (Hey, he's getting lucky for this kind of thing! Alright, folks, you heard it; our geeky furry genius is today's star).
One last note; keep this in mind to avoid confusion and save me some explaining.
'These marks will mean words appear on a sign.'
"And these that the words are part of a dialogue."
(And, now the author notes are done… ON WITH THE SHOW!)
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Canine Catastrophe.
A 'Tiny Toon Adventures' fic by Acosta Pèrez Josè Ramiro.
Acme Acres; peaceful, quiet, a paradise for sanity… those are the things this place isn't. Of course, craziness, either partial (as 70 percent of the residents had) or total (as the remaining 30 percent) didn't mean a toon couldn't be smart. And one of the smartest, and, usually, most accident prone ones, was currently preparing his newest trap, at a deserted street, hoping he would finally succeed on capturing the elusive 'Delicious Speedius', better known as Little Beeper.
Calamity 'Geniousis Frustratious' Coyote set a few explosives on both sides of the street, and then, carrying the detonator, hid at a nearby alley, waiting for his prey's distinctive sounds; a whooshing one followed by a loud beep-beep.
Whooooshh…!
Beep, beep!
Calamity, without moving from his place or actually seeing the bird, activated the detonator.
BOOOM!
The young coyote opened his eyes after the huge explosion that seemed to engulf the whole place, and gasped when realizing the street and the alley were gone; however, unlike other times it happened when he miscalculated the explosives' potency, what was left wasn't a smoking crater, but a blank space. The canine looked around, and saw nothing but a white nothing surrounding him.
Calamity gulped. No toon would believe it could happen to him/her until it did it. Another name would be added to the list.
Bugs Bunny. Daffy Duck. Buster Bunny. Babs Bunny (no relation). Plucky Duck. Mary Melody. Montana Max.
And now, Calamity Coyote.
'Another 'Duck Anuck-Rabbit Rampage' parody', Calamity broke the fourth wall, facing the fic's author. 'Couldn't think on something more original?'
A big paintbrush appearing from nowhere drew a large weight hovering a few feet right next to Calamity, the word 'NO' on it, and fell on his feet. The coyote yanked his feet from under the weight, and jumped around in pain, taking out a sign reading…
'CENSORED! CENSORED! CENSORED!'
Calamity cooled down and prepared to face, no the author, but the mystery artist who will torment him.
'Okay, let's get logical here. Usually, the artist doing this is someone resented with the victim, or wants to give him/her a lesson.' Calamity got a thoughtful expression before taking another sign and frowning at the artist.
'Beeper, you're the one behind this?'
The infamous brush re-wrote the sign.
'Guess again, doggy.' Then, the brush remade the sign, turning it into a crab that clawed Calamity's hand, the canine shaking his arm to get rid of the crustaceous, and taking another sign.
'Hey, don't mess with my signs!"
The brush rewrote the sign again, painting a happy face under the words.
'Have a nice day.'
Calamity sighed and took out a smaller sign.
'Cute.'
The little happy face on the larger sign stuck his tongue at Calamity, and then a little fuse popped from it, the coyote getting a uh-oh face immediately.
BOOM!
The now blackened coyote walked a few feet, dizzy, and then shook his head to clear it and get rid of the dark ashes. Calamity frowned and faced the artist again.
'Can't do something more creative than explosions?'
The brush rewrote the sign.
'I'm with stupid.'
Calamity rolled his eyes, not noticing the brush was now painting Arnold the pit-bull right behind him.
"Who are yah calling stupid, yah scrawny, anemic coyote?" Arnold growled in anger, and, before Calamity could say anything, the dog squished his whole body against the floor, turning him into an accordion.
"I hate polkas!" Arnold barked in annoyance before getting erased.
'That was painful.' Calamity pointed as getting back to normal. The brush then drew some clothing on him; pink shades, a long blonde wig with a headband, a brown vest, and a 'Peace' emblem hanging from a necklace. The brush rewrote the sign.
'Make love, no war.'
'A little bit too sixties, don't you think?' Calamity frowned at the artist while taking out another sign that got turned into a flower by the brush. Then, out of nowhere, and without being drawn by the artist, Fifi La Fume, wearing an outfit similar to Calamity, jumped at him, getting the coyote in a tight hug.
"Oh, mon petite coyote of passion, I so agree with vour sign!"
Calamity wide smiled at Fifi, and was about to kiss her, when the brush painted a fire hose, and attacked both toons with a powerful water blast. When the soaked pair recovered, the artist erased Fifi from the scene.
'Hey, that's not fair! I was finally having some fun here.' Calamity snarled at the artist, who re-drew the sign as a balloon that elevated Calamity a few feet. The artist then drew up a sky scenario, so now Cal was several hundred feet up in the air, and finished with the brush providing a little needle on top of the balloon.
POP!
'This is going to hurt.' Calamity gulped and, unfortunately for him, this sign was re-drawn as an iron ball chained to his wrist. The classic whistling-fall sound lasted for a few seconds before…
WHAM!
Calamity, again at the blank space, recovered from the very long and painful fall, and took out another sign, hesitating a little bit since, so far, all his signs had been turned into a nasty surprise.
'Okay, genius, if you're not allowing me using my signs, how I'm going to communicate?'
The re-writing brush gave him the answer.
'Try talking, Fido.'
Calamity, angry because of the dog name yet relieved the sign didn't turn into something dangerous, sighed and cleared his throat; even if he was mute since birth, the coyote knew the artist didn't control just the scenario or the characters, but the sound as well.
"Like, this is weird, or some junk." Calamity slapped his muzzle when realizing he had Shirley's voice.
"I taw you would gimme a male voice, bad old putty attist." Calamity gasped.
"Beep, beep!"
"I say, I say, son, can you please cut this, I mean, cut this!" Calamity shook his head, and hesitantly, opened his mouth again.
"Wow-this-is-weird-and-I-totally-mean-it-because-you-seem-to-have-a-thing-with-bird's-impersonations-and-not-that-I-dislike-birds-at-all-but-you-already-gave-me-the-voices-of-Foghorn-Leghorn-Tweety-Bird-The-Roadrunner-and-Shirley-and-right-now-I-just-realized-have-the-voice-of-Rev-Runner…" Calamity stopped his high-speed ranting before giving the artist a sour look.
"You're despicable." Calamity gritted his teeth. "Can you, at leapthst, give me a more fitting voice?"
Calamity kept silence for a few seconds before trying to speak again.
"Rell, I reel a rittle retter." Calamity wide opened his eyes in realization, and sighed before taking out another sign.
'Another voice, please.'
"Thees ees the best you could geeve me?" Calamity slapped his forehead in annoyance. Apparently, the artist had some bit of compassion after all, because next time Calamity talked, the voice sounded like a mix between Wile E. Coyote, his mentor, and the Taco Bell's Chihuahua; not exactly the best, but far better than the other options.
"Okay, it seems we finally understand each other. Now, can we please start this cartoon, fan fic or whatever? First, I think we'll need a scenario."
The brush painted something resembling a desert, Calamity giving it an approving look.
"Not bad at all. Now, I need the proper equipment; you know the kind of things I do, and, according to this scenario, I'll be doing some Wile E. Coyote-like stuff, right?"
The eraser appeared and got rid of Calamity's running shoes.
"Look, I know my mentor walks on his bare paws, but I'm not used. Can you please give me back the sneakers?"
The brush painted two large chocolate bars' wrappings covering Calamity's paws.
"This story is done without profits' intentions, buddy." The coyote said as calmly as possible. "Now, can you please give me the shoes?"
The eraser got rid of the wrappings, and the brush gave Calamity two oversized black and white shoes.
"I meant running shoes, pal, not clown ones."
The brush then painted Calamity's face white and gave him colorful oversized pants as well as white gloves.
"Hey, I might have a red nose and do physical comedy but I'm no clown! Besides, what would a clown do in the middle of the desert?"
The brush painted a corral around Calamity, and then gave him a cowboy hat and a colorful vest.
"I'm a rodeo clown?" Calamity snapped at the artist before a large brown bull got drawn next to him.
"Yikes!" Calamity screamed in fear and dashed away with the bull closely behind. The coyote spotted a barrel in front of him and jumped inside; the bull hit it full force and sent the barrel up in the air. The brush then wrote the word 'Nitroglycerine' at one side of the barrel before it fell down to earth.
KABOOOM!
Calamity, visible stunned and bruised yet back in his regular looks, stood up and faced the artist one more time, and, instead of talking, took out another sign.
'At least nothing else can happen.'
The brush rewrote the sign.
'Wanna bet?'
Before Calamity could react, the brush painted a highway; the coyote gasped when hearing a zooming car approaching and took out a sign.
'STOP! In the name of humanity!'
The brush rewrote again.
'Go ahead. Squish me.'
HONK, HONK!
BEEP, BEEP!
ZOOOM!
ROOOAMMM!
Several cars passed over Calamity, and, once they're done, the coyote appeared as a flat impression on the road. Then, a little ambulance stopped next to him, and Mary Melody, in nurse outfit, jumped down the vehicle with a spatula, removing her friend from the road, and then connecting a pump to his mouth to inflate him back to normal.
'Thanks, Mary.' The stunned coyote took out another sign when recovering.
"No problem; you know me… another cameo, another paycheck." Mary returned at the ambulance and drove away. Calamity sighed and looked at the artist; he was about to snap at him when realized no sound was coming out from his mouth.
'So, I'm back to normal, uh?'
The brush re-drew the scenario, changing it into a forest, and changed the sign again.
'Coyote Season.'
Several hunters emerged from the bushes, all aiming at Calamity.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
The badly stunned and hurt coyote took out another sign.
'Coyotes aren't forest animals; we live in the desert.'
The brush changed back the scenario, and now Calamity was sitting on top of a giant sundae; the canine sunk in the creamy substance, and emerged a moment later, shivering.
'I said 'Desert', not 'Dessert', dope!'
The brush then added a certain purple devil to the scene.
"Umm… food!"
'Dizzy, no!'
Dizzy ignored the sign, and, turning himself into a tornado, got rid of the sundae in an instant. Then, he burped, throwing Calamity in the process and getting an ashamed expression when noticing him.
"Oh. Sorry."
'I'll need therapy after this, both physical and psychological.' Calamity groaned before shaking his body to get rid of the devil's saliva and the cream. The eraser appeared on scene and got rid of Dizzy right before the brush proved a giant fan that got turned on immediately, drying Calamity… and removing his colors, so now was a totally albino coyote.
'Again, check your zoology books. I'm a coyote, not a polar fox.'
The brush repainted Calamity, but instead of his original pattern, he was no colored as a skunk, white stripe and all.
'Well, this isn't so bad.' Calamity gave himself a good look. 'I'm sure Fifi will like this.'
The brush then painted some large eyelashes and red lips on Calamity's face, and rewrote the signs.
'I'm a single skunkette.'
'Come and get me.'
The coyote read the signs in yelped in fear before dropping them, but it was too late as Pepe Le Pew got him in a tight embrace and his deadly fumes engulfed the whole space.
"Oh, mon beautiful lizzle amour!" Pepe talked between kisses as Calamity struggled to get free. "Where had vou been mon whole life?"
WHAM!
Calamity sighed in relief and got a little smile when realizing Pepe was out cold, and Fifi was standing behind the male skunk, a mallet on her hands and an angry look on her face.
"Nobody touches mon beloved Cal, not even mon menthor!"
The artist, who obviously was getting enough of Fifi messing with Calamity's torture, drew a large black hole under her and Pepe, both skunks falling and disappearing from scene. However, before the artist could erase the hole, Calamity grabbed it and pasted it against the blank space. The eraser appeared next to the whole, but Calamity, in a totally predatory move, gave it a good bit, getting rid of most of the eraser and then spitting the remains before showing another sign to the artist.
'And nobody messes with my Fifi!'
The coyote jumped at the hole and then closed it from the inside with a giant zipper, disappearing from scene.
Then, at the drawing table, the artist got revealed as…
"Hey, where did that dadgum coyote go? I still have several dadgum pranks for him!"
Fowlmouth's rant got cut when feeling a certain gray paw on his shoulder. The chicken gulped and turned, paling totally when looking at a snarling coyote right in front of his face.
"Uh… hi, Cal… you want to hear a dadgum funny story?" Fowlmouth, sweating cold, chuckled nervously. "You see, Foggy told me I needed some dadgum extra credits in my 'Hound Teasing' class because I've never teased, tortured or annoyed any dadgum canine for real, so had to choose someone, and thought, well, Calamity is a dadgum cool guy who can take a dadgum joke, so…"
Calamity, his face totally rage-red, grabbed Fowlmouth by the collar, and then, in a swift move, put two boxing gloves on him.
"Eh… what are these dadgum things for?"
'I'll give you something you denied to me; a chance to defend yourself.' Calamity dropped Fowlmouth and put on his own boxing gloves. Fowlmouth tried to argue but Fifi appeared behind him holding a bell and giving the chicken a sly smile.
"Le round one!"
WHACK!
POW!
THUD!
ZOCK!...
A black eyed and totally bruised Fowlmouth woke up, finding himself in a blank space.
"Oh… guess I lost, uh?" Fowlmouth gave good look around him and then fell on his knees, getting a begging position, realizing who the artist was this time.
"Please, Calamity, don't be so dadgum mean! You're not going to do anything really dadgum nasty, right?"
A brush appeared and painted a little sign next to Fowlmouth.
'Of course not; I already gave you a beating.'
The chicken sighed in relief before a second sign got drawn.
'But, from this moment on, the artist will not be me, but Fifi.'
Fowlmouth gasped in fear, and, a second later, the brush gave him a new look; he now was wearing a blond wig with a pink bow, as well as a pink sweater, and his black sneakers got replaced by yellow swimming fins.
"Funny; first time I have this look out of my dadgum bedroom." Fowlmouth looked at himself before Fifi drew a dozen copies of the chicken around him.
"Dadgum hello, Shirley! Ready for some dadgum kisses?"
"Argh! Dadgum, Fifi, have mercy!"
THE END.
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(Poor Fowlmouth! That was low, despicable and totally sadistic!) In other words, you liked it. (A lot, buddy!)
Hope all of you had enjoyed this fic. (This must be the first one of this kind with the victim getting even on the artist.) Maybe; don't know, maybe someone else did it before and we don't know, Babs. (Probably; anyway, guys, please leave a review before leaving!)
Thanks, Babs. So long everybody, and thanks for reading.
Keep the good writing.