Title: More Than This
Author: Jean (jeangenie2424yahoo.co.uk)
Rating: PG-13
Category: Angst, T/M, Tony POV
Spoilers: None, really but if you've seen the S3 finale it makes it just that little bit more angsty!
Disclaimers: Don't own them. Wish I did.
Summary: Sprang from Gael's comment to Michelle that Tony not being able to talk to her about the Salazar mission was intensely difficult for him. Read on…
Tony Almeida was enjoying one of the good days. CTU was operating smoothly with no impending crises and all was well in his world. He was even able to spend a couple of minutes indulging his old habit of staring at the beautiful brunette downstairs. The difference between then and now was the difference between longing and having, the difference between doubt and total conviction.
Tony's brief break was interrupted by the arrival of Jack Bauer.
"Tony. I need to speak to you about a plan I've been working on."
Jack's head was bowed, his whole countenance spoke of someone who was about to get into trouble. Tony instantly understood that his own good mood was about to turn sour. He offered Jack a seat and then steeled himself. Jack's plans had a habit of raising his blood pressure.
"Tony, I have intelligence which leads me to believe that the Salazar's will be coming into possession of an extremely lethal, weaponised virus in the coming months. I'm not sure of exactly when yet but I have reason to believe it will be sooner rather than later. We need a man to re-infiltrate the Salazar's."
Tony instantly began to run through logistics in his head.
"Jack, you know that could take months. With Ramon in jail and your undercover operation exposed, Hector Salazar is going to be very wary." Tony took Jack's grim expression to mean that Jack had already come to this conclusion. "I'll call a meeting as soon as possible, today if I can get all the department heads in and…"
"No, Tony. No-one else can be involved. You're right. The time frame is too brief to bring another agent in. That's why I need to re-infiltrate the Salazar's and I'm going to need you to help me make that happen."
Tony was, for once, speechless.
--
Hunched over a monitor reviewing the latest SATCOM files, Tony turns as he hears what is, to him, the unmistakable sound of Michelle approaching.
"Hey. I'm sorry, sweetheart," the pet name offered softly lest anyone close by overhear, "We can leave now. Did you call the restaurant?"
"Yeah, they're holding the table for another…" Tony quickly checks his watch, "uh, 15 minutes."
"So we can still make it?"
"Sure. Let's go."
When they reach the car park they, wordlessly, reach for each others hand. When the connection is established Tony quickly glances over his shoulder to check no-one's trailing them and then pulls Michelle towards him for a quick kiss.
"Tony!"
"I don't care. I've wanted to do that all day."
Michelle laughs, delighted with him. They reach the car and stand next to the trunk, still holding hands, reluctant to break the connection even for a few seconds.
"What are you smiling at?" Michelle challenges while barely able to stop grinning herself.
Tony gently tugs on one of the curls that, seemingly, carelessly frame her face (which he knows are actually the result of an indecent amount of time cursing in front of the mirror with a curling iron in hand most mornings) with one hand and presses her lower back with his other hand which has the effect of making Michelle go weak at the knees and replies "I can't believe it's been two years. I just…"
"Yeah, I mean after the first date……"
"Is that never mentioning it again, Michelle?" She laughs and his favourite sound on the planet echoes in the still night air that surrounds them. On their first date he'd taken her to a fancy restaurant but they'd both been so nervous and tired after the events of the preceding week that only a handful of words had been spoken and most were said by her. He'd driven her home in total silence and just as she was about to get out of the car, go into her apartment and kick everything in reach he'd falteringly asked her out again the next night and she knew in that instance that everything was going to work out. He'd proposed on her mother's porch that Christmas, just four months later.
"I love you, Tony."
Tony goes to kiss her again and then suddenly freezes.
"What?" Michelle asks as another voice calls out, "Tony! Wait up!" and shatters the moment between the two of them.
She turns and sees Jack sprinting towards them.
"Maybe if we just get in the car and drive off real fast…" Michelle suggests hopefully.
"Honey, it's Jack. He'd chase us down." He says while reluctantly dropping her hand.
Jack has reached them now and barrels into an explanation about something from Division which has to be attended to immediately while completely ignoring Tony's glare. Michelle wonders aloud why it has to be fixed at 9.00pm and tries to find a way it can wait until morning but Jack insists.
Tony watches them both and weighs up his options. He wants to tell Jack to deal with it himself and spend the night with Michelle but knows Jack wouldn't do this unless something important was going down with the Salazar plan.
"Maybe we should have just driven off." He half heartedly jokes to Michelle.
Michelle half smiles, "I'll wait with you. I should refresh the logs anyway."
Tony notices the very slight shake of Jack's head.
"No, you take the car and go home. This shouldn't take too long and I'll get a cab later."
She pauses like she's going to argue some more but then agrees, telling him she'll cancel the reservations.
Jack interrupts, "Thank you, Tony. I'll see you back inside", and turns to go.
A few other agents are in the parking lot now so Michelle gently squeezes Tony's hand. "I'll head home. I'm sorry, Tony. I know you were looking forward to dinner." She quickly runs her palm over his cheek and smiles at him before getting in the car and driving off.
Tony breaks into a jog to follow Jack back into the building, keen to know what couldn't wait 8 hours, and when he catches up to him Jack surprises him by remarking, "She's harder to fool than I thought."
Tony smiles despite himself, "You're not kidding."
"Did you have something planned tonight?"
"Yeah, it's our second wedding anniversary." Tony shrugs like it's not the big deal to him it actually is.
Jack lets out a low whistle, "Damn, already? Look, I'm sorry you had to miss that. I missed a few of those in my time."
What was supposed to be a friendly commiseration suddenly somehow hits the wrong note. Any reference to Teri still quickly brings forth the guilt both men carry. Both scalded so badly by Nina they both carry around the suspicion that they should have known, should have done something more.
Tony's guilt has slightly lessened since meeting Michelle who he has told every fact that once felt so shameful, who still loves him, and has spent more time than any less secure woman would be able to soothing the wounds left by Nina. That said, as his love for Michelle has grown he has come to empathise with Jack even more and while he no longer blames himself as completely as he once did, he now cannot fathom how his colleague is still standing.
Jack's remark hangs between them and Tony searches for a platitude to reach out to Jack who's still striding purposefully while his cheek infinitesimally twitches. He inexplicably feels like apologizing. He knows part of the reason he'll do anything for Jack is the guilt that he has been able to rebuild his life while he doesn't know if Jack ever will.
--
Tony quietly lets himself into the house just after 1am to find Michelle sleeping on the sofa with the television still blaring. He lowers himself down next to her and watches her for a while before querying "Baby?"
Michelle's eyes fly open, "I'm awake, I'm awake." she protests, the grogginess of her voice suggesting otherwise.
Tony kisses her temple, "Of course you are."
Michelle makes a sleepy grab for his shoulder in an attempt to pull him to her. He shifts his body to rest next to hers and they quickly, in what has become routine, settle into each other.
"I'm sorry we couldn't make dinner, Michelle."
"That's okay," she replies, her voice muffled because her lips are on his neck, "I ate Chinese food and watched The Daily Show. It was the best date ever."
"Me or Jon Stewart?" he asks mock-threateningly.
"Well, he is more reliable…"
"Shut up."
"And he's never told me to shut up."
Tony kisses her softly and feels Michelle pull him closer and slide her hand up the back of his neck, tangling her fingers in his messy hair.
"What was so important, anyway?" she whispers in his ear.
He feels like the lowest form of life. Ever since the unbelievably eventful day almost three years ago which had forced everything between them to the surface and, if he thinks back, even before then she has been determined to make him trust her. And he does. He knows that Michelle would never lie to him, never deceive him, never knowingly hurt him and here he is, taking the biggest risk of his life, and keeping her completely in the dark.
He strokes her hair, holds her tighter and tries to sound casual as he mutters "Nothing, baby. Don't worry." But Michelle has already fallen asleep curled in his arms. He begins to think about the job in Langley he was approached about the week before. It would mean more regular hours, higher pay and an end to life-threatening danger. It could mean something approximating a normal life for the two of them. They'd started to talk about having children in terms of 'when', no longer 'if' and neither of them liked the idea of working at CTU once when that happened. They'd seen what happened to the Bauer's.
He thinks of Jack and the way he is cloaked in his grief. It surrounds him like a shield. Tony knows that his great weaknesses is his love for Michelle – he's happy when she's with him and he has never been able to disguise that. He wears his love on his sleeve for the whole world to view.
THe Hhhe last time he and Michelle socialized with Jack, a quiet drink with a few other agents after work to celebrate Kim's birthday, which was shortly after Jack had broken up with Kate Warner – not that he and Jack has discussed the actual break up. So much between Jack and himself is unspoken – their only actual topics of conversation seem to be work and sports which Michelle teases them about on the rare occasions the three of them get together. No, he'd discovered about Kate leaving for Europe from Michelle who Jack had, not unusually, confided in. He remembers briefly breaking away from his and Jack's small talk about the Cub's lousy season when he caught Michelle standing at the bar looking slightly buzzed, oblivious to whatever Chloe was complaining to her about and grinning widely at him. Jack quickly followed Tony's line of vision and paused before looking at him clearly and directly and remarking that he envied what Tony had with Michelle. He commented that it was rare. Tony concurred, almost embarrassed that his fault line was exposed so clearly. Jack uncharacteristically continued complimenting Tony on being bold enough to let someone in again.
"I know how tough things were for you, Tony. You're a good man and I'm glad you and Michelle have each other." Jack paused and took a swig of his beer before continuing, "I'm probably the last person anyone would go to for advice about life but the one thing I have to impart to you is that when it comes to the point in this job where you feel completely torn between the job and your family, please just walk away from the job and don't look back."
Tony was dumbfounded and immensely touched. He reached out and clapped his hand on Jack's back and held it there for a second, "That's good advice, Jack. Thank you."
Tony wanted to say much more but Kim came over and sat with them wondering why they looked so serious. Jack instantly put his game face back in place and made a crack about them discussing, what else, the football playing in the corner of the bar. The moment was gone but Tony carried it with him.
It's impossible for Tony to reconcile the man he was before he married Michelle to the man he is now. Impossible to imagine what he'd be without her. There are many risks in the mission that lies ahead. It terrifies him to think what could happen if it goes wrong and he wants nothing more than Michelle's reassurance. He relies on her cool intellect and keen instinct more than his own at times. But for Tony the biggest risk he's taking that he could lose his wife's trust. He knows she doesn't suspect anything for a second and that's due to her faith in the unspoken confidence they have both become reliant upon.
He knows he's reached the point Jack spoke about in the bar. Knows that keeping a secret of this magnitude from Michelle isn't something he wants to do again. There are promising agents he's already assessing for recommendation to Chappelle and Hammond if the Langley job comes through. He knows that he is replaceable in a work capacity in a way he didn't three years ago.
He remembers recounting the conversation with Jack to Michelle in bed later that same night and how she had bitten her lip thoughtfully while soothingly running her hand rhythmically up and down his arm. How she'd looked him in the eye and remarked, "It's funny, really. When we're here together like this I can't comprehend ever wanting anything else. I can leave work behind and never look back but I can't be without you. It would break me."
Lying casually on the couch feeling her breathe against him Tony decides, if the Salazar plot is a success it will be his final mission.
There's so much more to life.