Title: Goodbye brightness
Author: thousand_miles
Rating: K
Disclaimer: I don't own anything Criminal Minds related.
Spoilers: Season 6, deals with Emily's death.
Summary: He'd never be able to look into her beautiful dark brown eyes. Hotch deals with Emily's loss.
A/N: I wanted a glimpse inside Hotch's mind while he dealt with Emily's death. It may be a little out of character. That wasn't on purpose. This is what my muse told me to write. English isn't my native language. I hope all grammar mistakes are gone, but I'm not sure. Reviews are appreciated. No flames please.
Goodbye brightness
Standing at her grave, he didn't want to say goodbye. He'd never wanted to say goodbye to her. He'd wanted to say good morning after waking up next to her. He'd wanted to say see you later knowing he'd see her back at their home. He'd wanted all that and more and know he realized it was never going to happen.
It had taken him too long to acknowledge his feelings for her. So long that now, there was no longer any chance for them to be together. The pain of her loss grabbed his heart. He was a man who never showed much emotion. As the leader of the team, he believed he had to be their rock, he was the one everyone could lean on. But now, he didn't know if he could be that man anymore. Without fully realising it before, it was Emily
who'd given him the strength to be strong, to be the person everyone could lean on. Just her presence had been enough.
When he stood next to her he'd always longed to touch her. When he saw how a case affected her, he'd wanted to comfort her. When she laughed, his heart warmed. She had such a beautiful smile.
She was the one who mended his heart. She made him laugh. She was the bright light on his dark days. Never would he hear his name role off her tongue. He'd never be able to look into her beautiful dark brown eyes. Dark brown eyes that clearly showed every emotion she felt. She'd been an open book to him.
Why hadn't she turned to him? Why hadn't she trusted him? He would have protected her. He would have done anything in his power to keep her safe. He would have helped her. He would have been able to keep Doyle away from her. No one would have hurt her.
After Haley's death, he'd felt lost. It had been the first time he hadn't been able to protect the ones he loved. He dealt with it by focusing on Jack. He'd promised himself that he would never let anything like that happen again. And now it had.
He blamed himself. He'd seen she'd been deeply troubled her last few days on the team. He'd caught her staring at him several times. There'd been sadness, fear and doubt in her eyes. It was only for a fleeting moment, but he'd seen it. Emily had never wanted anyone to see her weakness. He'd tried to talk to her, but every time she'd found a way to evade him. He should have forced her. If he had, she'd still be here.
The other day he'd gone to the BAU to finish the paperwork from the entire ordeal. He'd gone straight to her desk and sat down. With his head in his hands he'd let the tears run freely for the first time. He wanted to stay here in this moment where he could still feel her presence. How was he going to get through this when all he wanted was to see her one more time? To be able to touch her, to have her standing next to him. To have those beautiful eyes focused on him once more. Just once, to imprint everything about her in his mind. He wouldn't hesitate to envelop her in his arms and simply hold her. It was where she belonged. She belonged with him. But it would never happen.
Looking up into the sky he felt tears running down his face. " Emily." He whispered. These last few days he'd gone trough the daily chores on routine. His mind sometimes playing tricks on him. Convincing him that she was still out there. He caught himself looking for signs for her no matter where he was. But reality always caught up with him, as did the pain of her loss. There was a continuous emptiness in his soul. He wondered if that feeling was ever going to go away. But how could it? Emily was never going to come back. He was never going to be the same without her. Life had gone from colourful and bright to dark and blank.