A really bad crossover between FMA, Naruto, and the Bible. .

Rated M for poor writing skills, crack humor, insults to illegal aliens, insults to emos, insults to the American stereotype, unholy speaking of the Bible, turning our Lord and Savior into a mere rebound man, bringing back what has and should remain dead, making Kakashi gay for someone that is other than Iruka-sensei, finding a shorter path to becoming a ninja, crossing two fandoms with each other, whoring out characters in strip bars, gay yaoi, possible yuri, faking an angst attack, and making note of the Devil's hot pink, sparkly, high-heeled pumps.

Disclaimer: I nor Lord Dogma own Naruto, FMA or certain parts of the Bible.

Death by Anal Seepage or the worst Fan Fic Eva!

By Lord Dogma and Imitation Goth

Chapter 1 When Jesus Met Luci

Dear God,

I'm an overveight girl with numerous medical problems and thick rimmed glasses and … I plead you to bring Envy back to life. Please do.

You, sadistic bastard, made my life a living hell. Each moment feels like an eternity of suffering with no happiness in the end. EVERY.

I believe you have done great vrong to me, making me Emo and all. There for, using my immense knovledge of fairness, it vould seem reasonable to ah… grant my most desired vish.

Amen…

"And now to slit my vrists!"

Meanwhile in Heaven…

"B-but Daddy…I love Luci!"

"Jesus, how many times do I have to tell you?! We do not speak of Devil's name in THIS heaven. Be gone to your room!"

"Ah, Dad..."

This last exert from a three hour long angry outburst was due to the fact that God was having family problems. Not long ago the Great Almighty Creator found out that Jesus was 'secretly' meeting with Lucifer. Obviously, it looked rather bad for the Father when his Holy son was seeing the embodiment of utter evil of all the mortal worlds. Aggravated by his Father's squareness, Jesus ran into his room in tears. Arguments were useless against the creator of all.

"He's such a meanie beanie!"

The Savior flopped onto his waterbed, burying his face into a pink-laced pillow. It seemed that he was crying for hours instead of the actual five minutes, when suddenly the not-so-holy-son heard an annoying screeching voice… it sounded like an overweight girl with numerous medical conditions wearing thick-rimmed glasses was praying. Jesus roughly wiped off his tears with back of the white sleeve, leaving black smears from his mascara across his flushed cheeks.

"Envy, eh?" Jesus thought with an evil grin.

"All right. I'll do it! Luci would be so proud of me! I mean… it's seriously hard to please him nowadays. Since he brought MCR (as one of the plagues) to earth, his diabolical schemes became even more - diabolical..."

Pondering out loud, Jesus began to gather his Mystic Power Ranger's powers around him to bring Envy to life when...

God knocked down the door with a parental battering ram and charged into the room. Distracted, Jesus accidentally used more power than needed and brought Edward, Alphonse AND Envy to life, granting them the power to jump into random comic books... for no reason, really.

"Oh, that's not good…" said Jesus before God started beating the hell out of him. Literally…

While the heavens above reflected God's fury, lightning flashing and such, the overweight girl with numerous medical conditions and thick-rimmed glasses decided to go to her local library. For no reason. She put on her mascara thickly and dusted her paper bag, holes ripping through the bottom. She even put on her best "Life Sucks" pin on it along with checked vans and XL cargo pants. She knew that today would be special. How could it not? She could feel it in her very bones. And it was sure to be! As soon as the overweight girl with multiple medical conditions and glasses stepped out of her house, it started to rain. Overhead lightning snaked through the infinite plain of the sky. Blinking savagely, the overweight girl with multiple medical conditions and thick-rimmed glasses ventured to the library. She arrived to the public storage of all the human knowledge… or at least some pretty damn good books, wearing soggy clothes and clearly angry with the world and all its inhabitants...

Oh but Little did she know that her prayer was answered by the heart-broken Jesus.

The overweight girl with numerous medical problems and thick-rimmed glasses sat on a broken down chair and opened up her favorite manga, Full Metal Alchemist.

"Oh, Envy. I know YOU vould love me for vho I am."

"Hell nah!"

The overweight girl with numerous medical conditions and glasses heard a mystical voice come from the open book.

"Oh no! The spirit of my uncle vhom I killed last summer and kept a secret because I vould go to jail if anyone vould eva hear me say it out loud came back to haunt me! Some one save me from the Great Beyond!"

Lightning flashed outside giving the library an eerie feeling. Darkness crept in, bringing the glare of evil to new intensity. Silence blanketed all. The overweight girl with numerous medical problems and glasses could hear her own irregular heart beat and race as though it tried to win a gold medal in Olympics sprinting event. (Fat chance)

Suddenly, the pages of her manga began to turn by themselves. She screamed, throwing it down, while a created invisible force hit her square in the face. The gusts of wind erupted, as the smoke began to clear. A lone shady figure rose. It laughed harshly.

"Foolish Mortal! It is I-"

"E…E….Edward?!"

"Wait... this isn't Mustang's room. What the hell!"

"This isn't fair. I asked for Envy. Envy godamnit!"

And so the tale of woe begins….