Hello everyone! This idea sprang up out of an awesome (if I may borrow Gilbert's word) conversation that came up during a really awesome (if I may steal Gilbert's word for the second time in one sentence) role-play. I have to say that Tony's pretty fun to write since he's completely alien to human cultures except for America's, which probably isn't a very good basis to judge human customs by in the first place. So, here you go: USUK from Tony's point of view. I hope you enjoy it!

Full summary: Tony has been content to stay on earth after his ship crashed in America due to the constant supply of hamburgers and other tasty American foods. But when Alfred gets a call from Arthur and the two begin to hang out again, Tony may just be in danger of having his burger money stolen by his worst enemy: England. USUK from Tony's Point of view.

The telephone was ringing.

Tony looked up from the TV, pressing the pause button on the game controller at the TV. Why was the phone ringing? No one ever really called America's house unless there was some sort of emergency. If there was an emergency, Alfred's cell phone would have been dialed given the American's tendency to make fast food runs throughout the day, not his house phone. If nothing was wrong, why was Alfred's phone ringing at nine o'clock at night?

Tony glanced over at Alfred who was laying on the mountain of covers and pillows they'd piled up in the living room for the Alfred's "completely necessary for the continuation of life" videogame time. Said man looked just as puzzled as Tony felt. "Uh… I guess I should go grab that, huh?" he mumbled before laying his remote down and rushing to the phone hanging in the kitchen.

Tony shrugged and turned back to the game, restarting it without waiting for Alfred. If the earthling would rather spend his time chatting on the phone, it wasn't Tony's fault he'd get left behind. Besides, it wasn't as though Tony cared what Alfred did. As long as there was a fresh supply of burgers, his burger-providing earthling, and a roof, he really didn't care why Alfred's phone had randomly begun to ring in the evening.

One boss level later, Tony still didn't care.

Two bosses down and Tony had yet to care why Alfred hadn't returned. If it were something bad, the vocal American would have made it known… Right?

Three bosses down and Tony gave the equivalent of a sigh.

And hour and a half and one completed game later, Tony shut the consul off. Of course he wasn't checking up on Alfred because he cared what the earthling was talking about and eavesdropping, on Tony's planet, was legally considered the invasion of one's thoughts, not speech, so that wasn't what he was doing. He was just in the process of making sure that his food supply and nation hadn't been damaged in any way. After all, Alfred was prone to illogical and even downright stupid tendencies.

Tony, being an intergalactic master of stealth slipped up to the door unnoticed, not acknowledging the fact that he probably could have made as much noise as physically possible and still go undetected by the American. He peaked into the kitchen to find Alfred sitting at the table, the white primitive—to Tony, anyway—telephone pressed to his ear. What interested Tony was the fact that Texas was folded neatly and sitting on the table next to Alfred's elbow while the American pressed his free hand to his forehead.

This reeks of a limey…

"No, dude," Alfred sighed, sounding more serious than Tony had heard in years, "I understand. I'm not that stupid."

Tony could vaguely hear the words from the other end of the phone, his suspicions confirmed by the accented voice that shouted words too softly to be made out from such a distance. He gave the equivalent of a frown. Why was the limey calling Alfred so late, especially with the time zone difference? And why was Alfred acting so strange? The earthling's behavior and mannerisms were beyond predictable as they had been the entire time Tony had lived with him. Why had that suddenly changed?

Alfred gave another heavy sigh before leaning back in his chair, "Yeah, Iggy, just… trust me for once... Fine, a second time." He ran a hand through his hair, Nantucket quickly resuming its place after having been momentarily pushed back.

Tony stood in the doorway, attempting to understand Alfred's sudden change in the mood that had been present for several decades. He ruled out a malfunctioning clone; humanity wouldn't be capable of cloning their own, much less the representation of a nation for a long time. There were no changes in Alfred's diet that could produce such a result. The answer logically lay with whatever the annoying Englishman was telling Alfred.

Tony nearly jumped when Alfred shot up out of his chair, climbing to his feet and throwing a silent hand in the air in his "heroic victory" pose. He let out a laugh, "That'd be freakin' amazing, dude!" There was a sort pause in which Alfred quietly danced about the kitchen. "I got it! Nine o'clock! And a hero is never late!" he laughed, finally picking up Texas and slipping it on his face after he nearly collided with a cabinet that he barely spotted in time. He hung up the phone and threw it on the table, once again forgetting that the blasted thing needed to be placed on the charger, before he laughed loudly.

Is it possible for a nation to lose their minds…? Tony theorized that it was not possible since the whole lot of them seemed crazy enough to begin with. If not insanity, were the other countries right about the ill effects of ingesting too many hamburgers? Perhaps it was just an earthling thing. Why, then, had Tony never seen him act as such? There was much research to be done on this new facet of earth life.

Alfred froze in his dancing when he spotted Tony peeking into the kitchen. "Whatcha doin' there, Tony?" he asked, almost looking guilty.

"Hungry," was Tony's response before he marched his way to the fridge and pulled out a soda and a chocolate bar. He looked at the phone and then back up at Alfred.

Said earthling grinned, "Guess I was gone for a while, huh? Sorry 'bout that."

Tony waved it off, "I won."

Alfred blinked before he pouted, "Aw, man! You kept playing without me?"

Tony nodded, leaving the room, "Night."

Alfred, looking confused and a bit disappointed, gave a slow wave, "Uh… Night, Tony."

After returning to his room, Tony seated himself in front of the large computer set up that he'd forbidden Alfred from touching. There had to be some sort of logical explanation for Alfred's strange behavior. So, Tony turned to the best source of information regarding earth life: the internet.

After a full night's search turned up nothing, the alien had given up for the night and gone to sleep thinking that, perhaps, whatever was ailing Alfred's mind would cure itself by the time he woke up. However, the minute he woke up, Tony was well aware that something was wrong.

America, Alfred F. Jones, had a silent house.

He got up and walked into the kitchen, the most likely place to find Alfred at any given point in the day.

No Alfred. He tried Alfred's room next. The American did enjoy sleeping until the later hours of the morning. Tony quickly found that he wasn't there, either. After searching the house and finding no trace of the loud earthling, he simply shrugged and went back to Alfred's room to find the jar of money that was specifically saved for hamburger emergencies. Tony reached up and grabbed the jar off of the desk, finding it oddly light. He shouted a curse when the jar turned out to be completely empty. Then again, that would explain why Alfred had randomly vanished.

He shrugged and returned to the kitchen to dig through the fridge for left overs. That is where he found it.

The note was tacked up on the fridge. Alfred's messy scrawl was scribbled across the surface of the paper that was hanging by the magnetic Captain America clip. Tony ripped the paper down, already angry from the hamburger-provider's absence, the lack of funds, and his missing the note in the first place.

It simply read:

"Tony!

I'm out with Arthur. Be back around eleven. Have fun,

Alfred.

P.S. I took the emergency money to get Iggy a freakin' awesome gift. Hope you don't mind!"

Tony crumbled the note up, cursing. England could laugh at Tony. He could yell at Alfred. He could even try to strangle Alfred. But the minute he stole Tony's burger-providing meal ticket, he'd crossed the line.

This means war, limey, Tony silently vowed. And Tony didn't like to play fair.