by Mutsunokami
Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2, or any of the other anime/manga
series that may be mentioned in this extremely horrible self-insert
crossover story that I will subject you to. Well, if I get rich,
THEN I will buy them and own the rights so that everyone can safely
write their stories and fanfics without fear of repercussions. What?
Oh, thank you, Doc. I'll take my medication...
Chapter 0: The Prologue! or, How I got stuck with this.
Mimir's Well, Kami Plane - Sept. 13, 2000
Toltiir was bored. The Bet was long over, with a few stragglers
hanging around to fool with timelines fated to disappear or merge with
the mainline. Oh, sure, he got quite a few kicks from some of the various
Bets, but some were downright nauseating, disturbing, or both. What was
a god of mischief to do? And what was that mortal doing at the well??
Thinking that he could provide a bit of fun, the black cat walked up to
the intruder and cleared his throat. Surprised, the guy looking in the
well spooked and jumped.
Right into the well.
The cat frowned, expecting to see a wet idiot stand up and say
something clueless. He waited, and waited, and waited some more. Nothing.
"Hey, Toltiir! What was that noise?"
"Some idiot falling in the Well. He hasn't got up yet, either.
What are you doing here, Urd? Aren't you supposed to be on Earth?"
"Just taking a quicky break. Keiichi and Belldandy are on a date,
and that little brat Skuld is tied up at the moment."
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In a room in a temple near Tokyo, a little girl, gagged and bound,
is struggling to get free.
*I'll get you for this, you Old Hag!*
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Both divine beings look at the well. Then into the well.
"Uh... Not good." They both sweatdrop, seeing that the guy fell
not just into the pool, but into a different timeline.
"Toltiir? Urd? What are you guys doing? Another sidebet?"
Raiden walks over to the well to look in, seeing someone that
shouldn't be in that timeline. He looks over at the sweating goddess and
cat with a confused look.
"Who's that guy?"
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Ward of Tokyo, Japan - 1982
Two figures could be seen in an empty lot during the early morning
twilight. One was a balding martial artist in a dirty white gi, moving
around and preparing the other figure, his son, for a new training technique
to learn a dangerous special technique.
"Now, Boy. Are you ready to begin learning the Nekoken?"
"Yeah, Pops. Uh, do you hear something?"
"What are you talking about, Boy? I don't hear a thi-"
The balding man is interrupted by a screaming bundle falling out
of the sky, catching him totally unawares and on the head, knocking him into
a pit full of starving cats. Loud cries of pain accompany the screetching
of many cats. The 'bundle' stands up, looks around and notices a boy wrapped
up in fish sausage. He blinks and sweatdrops.
*I hate self-insert fics. Maybe I didn't affect this timeline too
much.*
Three deities watching that particular spot sweatdrop bigtime.
The boy looks down at himself. He's young again. Probably about six
or seven. Maybe he'd find out later, but first there are things to do. First
he unties the boy, who suspiciously looks familiar, and places the fish
sausage to the side for cooking later, hopefully by the guy. Maybe not.
Next, he walks over to the pit and peers inside. A big, fat bald guy is making
good time climbing that ladder. *Heh. That is a lot of scratches.*
"What h-hit me? Eh? A kid?!" Genma pauses in thought. *This kid
fell out of the sky, hit me on the head without warning, and is moving
around like he isn't hurt. This could mean only one thing.*
Three watchers in another dimension edge forward in anticipation.
"This boy has great potential in the martial arts!" Holds a victory
fan and confetti falls around him. Thunder rumbles in the distance, and two
deities and a cat facefault painfully.
Later that day, Genma, deciding to adopt the boy (okay, so he is OOC.
I'm the author and this is MY story, so there!) names him Saotome Tenma. Also,
he actually does something halfway sensible and forgets about the Nekoken.
Firsthand experience in the training for it must have changed his little mind.
Genma, Ranma and Tenma go through many harsh and terrible training
experiences, well, not Genma. He just kept his stomach full often. Tenma
wishes often that he hadn't fell into that d@#& well into the first place, and
wonders how he got into this story. Meanwhile, for amusement, he challenges
his new brother to do new things. All he has to do is add 'Martial Arts' to the
title and Ranma can do it, then trains Tenma in that 'new' martial arts style.
*Someday I'll figure out how he came up with Martial Arts Mathematics.*
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"Gohan Kamayudeken!" Ranma quickly fills three bowls with rice.
Tenma looks up from his watch.
"3.6 seconds, Bro. How many punches?"
"243 punches, I think. Beats yer 229 punches in 4 seconds."
"Yah, yah. Still, ya gotta admit that is a lot of punches."
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"Bakuhatsu Tenketsu!" A boulder shatters into many little pieces.
"Uh, Ranma? Mebbe you should have done that Gansekiken thingy I
toldja 'bout. Ranma? You awake? Ranma?"
Ranma falls over in pain.
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Ranma and Tenma look over a scroll describing, in detail, how to train
for and utilize a powerful technique requiring several insane and disgusting
items. They look at each other.
"Nah." "Nah."
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Bayankala Range, Quinghai Province, China - 1992
A large valley is spread out before three weary travellers, mist hovers
over the many springs in the valley.
"Okay, boys, here it is. The Famous Training Grounds of Jusenkyo!"
"Doesn't look like much, Oyaji. Maybe good for balance training."
Ranma eyes the bamboo poles sticking out of the pools of water.
"Well, come on! Or are you scared, boy?" Genma grins, then jumps up
to the top of a bamboo pole that creaks under his weight.
"I ain't scared of nothin'!" Ranma jumps onto another of the
bamboo poles.
"Uh, guys? Maybe we should've waited for that guide to get here?"
Tenma glances over at the pools, trying to remember something important. *Darn.
Wish I could remember why this place is bad.*
"Ha! You can wait on the ground if you're too scared to fight!" Genma
grins, knowing that Tenma doens't like heights.
"No thanks, Oyaji. I'll wait till you guys are finished, then I'll kick
you into one of those springs."
Genma mutters something under his breath, then leaps to the attack on Ranma.
The two martial artists leap from pole to pole, trading kicks and punches. The guide
comes in running, yelling something in Mandarin. Nobody pays any attention to him.
Genma makes another leap at Ranma, and Ranma sees an opening. Genma finds himself
flying through the air to splash down into one of the pools. A flash of recognition
lights on Tenma's face as he runs forward to warn Ranma. Too late. While the guide
is distracting Ranma about the tale of Jusenkyo, a big wet panda explodes out of the
pool and lands a good hit on Ranma, knocking him with a big splash into the pool
Tenma is next to, splashing him.
"Aiyee! Nyannichuan! Mister Customer fall in Spring of Drowned Girl! There
is tragic story of girl who drowned there 1500 years ago. Now whoever fall into spring
take body of young girl! Oh, Miss Customer, you all wet! You get splashed with water,
yes?"
Tenma stares in numb shock at HER body, looking up when she hears a scream of
terror turn to anguish. She watches a wet panda being chased by an angry red-haired
girl yelling something about panda steaks. Almost giving chase, Tenma decides that
she should get some hot water to change back.
"Eh, they'll be busy for a while. Got any hot water?"
"Yes, Miss Customer, right this way."
The guide leads the new girl back to his house and a steaming kettle
of water. Tenma pours the hot water over her head, straightening up to his
full height and replacing the kettle on the stove. A few hours later a panda
carrying a small black piglet walks in the door.
"Oh, Mister Customer! You bring in delicious looking piglet! I show
you my special recipe for Peking Pork Schezuan. Hmmm, maybe piglet is person
who fall in Spring of Drowned Small Black Piglet?"
The struggling piglet nods it's head fiercely.
"Mister Customer, I make funny joke, yes?" The guide and Genma-panda
laugh. Tenma walks in in time to see Genma-panda drop a piglet into a bowl of
hot water. Out comes a naked boy wearing only a bandanna. He screams and runs
out, knocking Tenma over and disappearing into the forest. Tenma kicks himself
for not getting there sooner.
*That's it. I'm not helping Ranma with his messes anymore.*
Much later, Tenma is inspecting herself in front of a mirror (not in that way, you
hentai, you!). Reddish-brown hair, blue eyes, supermodel figure. *Ugh. Shoulda
known this would happen. Hmmm... Oh, well. 'If you have to live with it, live it
well.' Oyaji will go nuts over that, so this should be fun.*
The Jusenkyo Guide, Genma and Ranma look at the door to the other room
when giggling is heard. They blink, look at each other and shrug.
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Gansekiken - Rock Fist. Involves several rocks thrown at the person learning the
the technique to help toughen up.
Gohan Kamayudeken - Rice Boiling in an Iron Pot Fist. Technique similar to the
Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken.
Bakuhatsu Tenketsu - Exploding Point. Blatant ripoff of the Bakusai Tenketsu.
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Chapter 1: Fight and Chase!, or Our Baka Father.
Nichiehzu Village, Joketsuzoku
The guide leads Genma-panda, onna-Ranma and onna-Tenma out of
the forest and into a village. A great deal of decorations adorn huts and walls.
Near the center of the village, a purple-haired girl is facing off against what
looks like a man in a dress.
"Ah! You in luck, sirs! Amazons have tournament today, so you can buy
supplies, yes?"
*Eh. Place certainly looks different in person, not that I know much about
the Ranma series. Wish I read more of the manga instead of all those crossover
stories.* Tenma blinks and realizes Oyaji and Ranma aren't next to him anymore.
With great trepidation, he looks around until he spots the buffet table. There they
are, eating what must be the first prize.
"Baka Oyaji! Ranma-baka! You're eating the first prize!!"
All sound and movement in the village stops. Everyone looks over at the
two at the buffet. Ranma and Genma look up as if they were innocent. Tenma
walks up to Ranma, points at the sign with 'First Prize' written in Mandarin and
Japanese swinging in the wind over the table. Neither notices anything else
until a bonbourri lands at Tenma's feet. The purple-haired girl storms over
and starts yelling at Tenma. The Guide chooses this moment to pop up.
"She say, 'Why for you eat my prize? I, Xian Pu, challenge you for prize.'
She say that if she win, you be her slave, you win, you eat prize." The Guide
looks apologetically at Tenma's shocked look.
*Geez, I thought she would challenge Ranma! I'd almost think that
someone was manipulating all this.*
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A green-haired girl holding a staff resembling a key sneezes. She looks into
a gate and finds Tenma, then smiles.
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Moments later, both combatants are on the challenge log. Shampoo takes up
an offensive stance, and onna-Tenma slides into a horse stance. Each fighter sizes up
the other, and waits for the first move. Shampoo sees a weak fighter in front of her
that doesn't stand a chance without a weapon. She charges, bonbourri swinging.
Tenma dodges around an overhead strike and over a low sweeping blow, then
flows around a flurry of rapid swings and thrusts. An opening appears in Shampoo's
attack and Tenma takes it, snap-kicking Shampoo in the stomach, knocking the wind
out of her.
*Now to shock everyone and get Cologne's interest.*
"Gohan Kamayudeken!" Tenma throws several hundred punches at Shampoo.
She falls off the log in a heap. Onna-Tenma leaps off the log, walks back to the first
prize table and eats some fish. Onna-Ranma is congratulating hi-, err, her on winning
the tournament. Genma-panda continues to stuff his mouth. An ancient troll- [Bap!
Eheheh. Sorry, Cologne.] An aged diminutive figure on a staff pogos up behind
onna-Tenma.
"Excuse me, but where did you learn that move? I thought only the Amazons
had that kind of technique."
"I came up with it after hearing about other speed-enhancing techniques. Then
Ranma and I trained in it. Ya have ta pull single grains of rice out of a pot of boiling
water. Anything else?"
"Nope. But it looks like my great-granddaughter has woke up. She looks
like she wants to talk to you."
*Uh oh.* Tenma turns around just in time to be kissed on the cheek by
Shampoo. Shampoo steps back, a smug look on her face.
Tenma looks back at onna-Ranma and Genma-panda and said:
"Run."
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A few weeks later...
On a street in Nerima, passersby were treated to the sight of two red-headed
girls running from a charging panda. The girls stopped in an intersection and turned
to face the panda. The panda kept charging and leaped into a flying kick. The
girls dodged, following up with a double uppercut.
"I don't have time for this, Oyaji! We gotta go back to China and find a cure!
Now ain't the time for fiancees!"
[But, Son! This is a matter of family honor!] The panda flips the sign over.
[Are you going to disgrace yourself?]
Remembering this part, Tenma takes it upon herself to get hopelessly
entangled in this. *Geez, and here I didn't want to help Ranma anymore. Wait
a minute. This ain't helping him.* She grins for a moment before composing herself.
"Uh, Ranma? Hate ta say this, but Oyaji's right. This is FAMILY honor. At
least we can have a dry place for the night."
[Listen to him, Son. It is family honor!] The panda looms over onna-Ranma.
Ranma heaves a heavy sigh and nods her head. They begin walking once more to
the Tendo Dojo.
Meanwhile at the ranch- Whoops. Wrong story. Meanwhile at the Tendo
home and dojo.
"FIANCEE?!"
"Don't we have any say in this?"
"Is he cute?"
"I hope he isn't younger. Young men are so... boring."
The three Tendo sisters lean forward. Soun, their father, stands looking out
the shogi into the yard.
"Ranma is the son of an old friend of mine. We used to train under the same
master. They have just crossed over from China on their training trip." Nabiki
leans forward, Kasumi smiles (like noone saw that coming), and Akane just sits
there fuming. "Oh, yes. Seems my old friend has adopted a child along the way,
though he never mentioned whether that was a boy or girl. All three of them
should be here soon."
"So, what is Ranma like?" Soun turns to look back out at the yard and
laughs nervously. "No idea."
"WHAT?!" What do you mean, 'No idea?'" "Oh, father..."
There was a knock on the front gate.
"That must be them now. Let's go greet them!" So saying, Tendo Soun
walks out the room towards the front door with Nabiki close behind. Soun opens
the door and just stares at the sight before him. Two red-haired girls stand in front
of a soaking-wet panda, all three carrying packs. All five of them blink at each other
for a minute before Tenma-chan elbows Ranma-chan.
"Ahem. Are you Soun Tendo?"
"Why, yes I am. And you are...?"
"I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."
Predictably, Soun faints.
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Much later (since I don't feel like writing all that stuff that everyone does in their
alternate history 'fics of Ranma), everyone is sitting around the table. Tenma looks
around at the others. Soun is just like the canon version, weeping and all. Kasumi is
holding a cat that looks suspiciously like a Gatomon on her lap. Nabiki would look
normal if it weren't for the wrist computer. And Akane looks pretty angry, just like
he expected. *If only she hadn't walked in on us in the furo.*
"Genma and I have decided that the engagement will be between Ranma and
Akane. However, because of Tenma's wishes they will be married after they both
graduate from high school." Genma just keeps rubbing salve on his bruises. "And
don't think of complaining Akane. This was decided before you were all born!"
"Like I'd wanna get married to some uncute tomboy. Hmph."
"That's fine by me, pervert!"
"Well, Boys, since we are going to be here for a while, you will both be going
to school. NO complaints, Ranma! You are going to school tomorrow and that is
final!"
Ranma and Tenma only nod in response. Soon everyone gets to doing other
things. Late in the evening, Tenma sits on the roof and stares at the stars. *Weird.
Guess the author of this little self-insert has finally went off the deep end. Putting
a Digimon in the Ranmaverse isn't exactly something I expected. Wonder what
else is waiting in the wings.*
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Mimir's Well, Kami Plane
Nakago, God of Foreshadowing, takes one look in the Well, pales, and leaves
very quickly. Toltiir, Urd and Raiden all get a facial twitch after that. Toltiir looks up
at Urd.
"That is not a good sign."
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Next time on The Worst Ranma SI Fanfic!
Chapter 2: First day at School, or Battlemaster High!