HEY ME AND MY FRIEND WROTE THIS CUZ WE WERE READING SOME FUNNY ONES ONLINE SO WE FELT LIKE MAKIN ONE OF OUR OWN. ENJOY!! OH AND YES I HAVE TRIED TO PLAY X-TREME PIN THE TAIL ON THE DONKEY AND IT WAS A BIG MESS, BUT HEY THOSE ARE THE MEMORIES DAT MAKE VISITING MY COUSIN WORTHWHILE (luckily I went home with all my bones and limbs intact)
Disclaimer: I do not own, the twilight series or any of its character, or the song I kissed a girl, or the movie Mr. Megorium's Wonder Emporium (I haven't watched it but I haven't heard much good about it!!)
Summary: Bella and Emmet have to spend three day together while the others go hunting. But Bella takes revenge a little to far and there is only one way to make it up to our poor teddy bear. Take him to the toy store DUH!!
BELLA POV
"BELLLLAAAAA OMG WERE GOING TO HAVE MUCH FUN." I heard none other then Emmet rush down the stairs. Which was weird because I had expected Alice. Either way I greeted his bear hug warmly for the first few seconds until I couldn't breath.
"Emmet please don't kill her while I'm gone….EMMET LET HER BREATH!" I hear Edward say as he came down the stairs. Emmet pulled away finally letting the much wanted air through my possibly withered lungs. I could see the guilt and concern paint over his eyes. I laughed a little to lighten the mood, glad that it returned the smile to his face. Seeing Emmet without a smile, is like seeing Forks without rain. Edward rolled his eyes as he took me into his grasp almost desperately.
"Eddie would you relax, she's not going to die, and if she just happens to end up on the verge of death I'll turn her right there for you little bro, hell it saves you the trouble." I could see Edward glare at Emmet from the corner of my eye as his growl filled my ear that was currently pressed to his chest. I pulled away from him and brought my arm around Emmet's waste, mainly because it was as high as I could reach.
"No threatening my almost big brother, now Edward I want you to go to the corner to think about what you've done." I said talking to him like a mother would talk to a disobedient child. Emmet tried not to laugh as he brought Edward to the corner of the living room.
"Bad, bad Eddie No Bella for you." He said wagging his finger at Edward. Edward tried to turn around to face me, but Emmet just turned him to face the wall.
"I said Bella, Eddie! Don't make me take out the whip."
"You have a whip?" Edward asked.
"Duh, what do you think me and Rosalie use when we role play….Uh you didn't hear that." Emmet said turning Edward once again. I couldn't help but fall to the floor in hysterics. I could feel tears start to stream down my face, and my skin turning red form lack of oxygen. Emmet soon joined me as his façade could no longer be held seriously with me rolling on the floor laughing.
Alice, Rosalie, Esme, Jasper, and Carlisle all came down to see why we were laughing. Alice already knew of course because you could her trying to suppress a giggle. Rosalie looked pissed, so obviously she had heard what Emmet had said. \
"EMMET WHAT THE HELL, YOU CANT GO BLABBLING ABOUT WHAT….Edward what are you doing facing the wall?" Rosalie asked her anger being distracted as her curiosity voiced the question on everyone's minds.
"I was bad, so no Bella for me." Edward said annoyed, but I could hear the sullen tinge in his voice I got up shakily and walked towards him.
"It's ok Eddie, because you were good I shall lift your punishment." I said halfway turning him before Emmet practically slammed him back.
"Oh no you don't Bella, Edward shall full fill his punishment." Emmet said pulling out a blindfold form his pocket.
"Uh, Emmet why do you have a blindfold in you pocket." I asked as he placed it over Edward's eyes.
"I like to play pin the tail on the donkey when I raid 5 year olds' party's so its good to be prepared." He said almost to calmly.
"You raided a 5 year olds' party!"
"Hey I was at chucky cheeses and you they just happened to playing, and yeah a few kids went home with a broken limb, but hey Pin the Tail on the Donkey doesn't come with a helmet ok, at least not my version" He said crossing his hands over his chest stubbornly.
"What's your version?" I asked curiously.
"X-treme pin the tail on the donkey" He said crossing his arms to form the X as he said it. I could see Rosalie shake her head as she pinched the bridge of her nose. I started to laugh again, but luckily Alice held me up as she fell into a hysterical laughing with me.
"Ook Eddwaaard nooow caan yoouu heeeaaarr mee." Emmet said stretching each word to give it about 5 more syllables.
"Emmet I'm wearing a blindfold not earplugs" Edward said annoyed as Emmet lead him to the door. He opened the door and pushed Edward to the floor.
"Now give me my blindfold bitch." Emmet said with his best drag queen impression as he tackled Edward and ripped the blindfold off.
"Mmhmm that's what I thought girlfriend." Emmet said earning a few strange looks, but it only made my laughs louder as both Alice and I fell to the ground in hysterics.
"Emmet what the hell." Edward asked confused and disgusted at the same time.
"Talk to the booty, because the hands of duty hon." He said as he pranced over to me.
"Let us go fair maiden for your evil prince commands this loyal servant that it is meal time." Emmet said as he scooped me off the ground with ease as he pirouetted and plied to the kitchen, and waved the others off. My laughter still hadn't stopped even when the door was slammed shut. Emmet was laughing right along with me.
My laughing however stopped short when a bowl of lumpy almost barf looking creature was placed in front of me. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I tried to keep my own barf down.
"Emmet what the hell did you have throw up in here."
"Its my secret recipe for oatmeal."
"Emmet I think you should keep this secret to yourself."
"Aw… FINE!!" He said taking the white bowl of barf and throwing it into the garbage letting the bowl crash and shatter without a second glance. I looked at him wide eyed as he sat across from me on the dining room table. He widened his eyes keeping them focused on mine, almost as if he was trying to read my mind or something.
"Emmet what are you doing?"
"Staring contest! Duh silly goose! NOW PREPARE TO BE ANIHILATED BY THE SUPERIOR AWESOMENESS OF EMMET!" I laughed and prepared myself to face the 'awesomeness' of Emmet.
I'm pretty sure we spent at least 15 minutes in the same position. Of course I lost and Emmet did his little disco victory dance. Only making me laugh more. By the end of the weekend I was sure my lungs would have no more air left, but that would force Edward to change me sooner. I was to deep in thought as I told Emmet I was going to take a nap in Edward's room. I could tell he was disappointed but I ignored his puppy face and kept walking up the stairs try to focus on staying on my feet rather then on my ass.
I reached the familiar door and found half way open. I didn't take a second notice of it and pulled it the rest of the way. I felt a big metal object fall on my head and the icy chilled water poured almost endlessly down through my hair and soaking my clothes. A high pitched scream broke through my lips, and I turned to a very amused Emmet, who was trying to look innocent and concerned.
"Oh no Bella your all wet, you maybe your parents should've called you klutzilla I like that name, think about it we can make a movie and like make millions." Emmet said trying to distract me from the freezing cold water that had seeped through my clothes making them cling to my already uncontrollably shaking body.
"Oh Emmet shut the hell up I swear I will get you for this." I said ripping away form him as I picked the bucket off of my head and flung it at his head. I knew it wouldn't hurt him but I didn't care. I slammed the door to Edward's room in his face. I walked towards the bed to see a fresh set of clothing and a towel with a sticky note on it.
Dear Bella (aka: klutzilla…lol)
I saw what Emmet did, but he was just having fun with you
So don't take it seriously. But I must recommend a bit of revenge
coughjeepcough
Here some dry clothes see you 3 days.
Love,
Alice! (aka: pixie stix…lol)
I read the note and obviously I wasn't the only one that Emmet was giving weird nicknames to. I wondered what Emmet had given to Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Jasper, and especially Edward. I quickly changed before acknowledging the little recommendation that Alice had made in her note. What could I possibly do to that precious jeep of his.
The idea hit me fast and I immediately rushed over to Alice's room. Knowing that if she saw what Emmet did she would leave me some supplies, because she obviously saw my form of revenge. I snuck into the pink dreamland that Alice called her room, surely enough on her overstuffed king bed were two pink bags resting undisturbed, and waiting for evil scheme to hatch. I quickly grabbed the bags and rushed back to Edward's room. Of course I found everything I needed even the paint. Now the only problem was getting to the jeep without Emmet noticing. I looked out Edward's window to see how big the jump was, but surprisingly there a was a perfect and convenient ladder propped against the wall.
"Damn pixie stix sure as hell thinks of everything." Now I just had to focus on getting down without dropping anything or grabbing Emmet's attention. As I climbed down slowly I came to the living room window to see Emmet engrossed in an episode of America's next top model.
"OH COME ON TYRA DON'T BE BITCHIN!!" I heard him yell at the TV. I kept my giggles muffled as I finally brought my feet to the ground with relief.
"Now to get to work" I said eagerly spotting my bright red canvas parked perfectly in front of my devious view.
EMMET POV
I was of course watching my favorite TV show ever in the whole entire world. America's Next Top Model. I decided to let Klutzilla a break to cool off so she wouldn't be mad at me anymore. As I watched Tyra criticize the picture of my favorite model girl Caridee, I heard a clattering against the window. I ignored it though because now things were getting good.
"COME ON TYRA DON'T BE BITCHIN!" I screamed in defense of my Caridee. Sometimes I think she's prettier then Rosalie but I wanted to keep my undead ass so I kept that to myself.
The show was over to soon for my taste, but I heard Bella call my name form outside. I walked out the door confused. How did she get outside without me noticing. Oh my god what if she broke her eye balls, or that bone that the kid on jimmy neutron always break, his scapula.
"Like OMG Edward's going to kill me." I was about to bolt to find her, but instead I bumped into her standing there in dry clothes looking up at me innocently.
"Bella are your eye balls ok, did you break them, what about that bone the kid on jimmy neutron always breaks, you know his scapula thingy."
I said examining both of her eyes carefully. She looked at me like I was crazy, while I shook here up and down to make sure none of her bones were loose.
"Emmet no I didn't break anything, but I do have a surprise for you." My eyes widened at my favorite word in the whole word, besides America's Next Top Model of course. Bella laughed at me expression but pulled me around the corner of the house. My eyes found a pink Jeep, identical to my own gleaming proudly with its sparkles and ribbons, and a big Barbie sticker in the middle.
"Like OMFG Bella you got a jeep, NOW WE CAN BE JEEP BUDDIES." I said jumping up like an excited school girl. "Now where is my jeep so we can race?" I asked Bella s I searched for my manly red Jeep. But Bella just gave me a mischievous glance as she pointed her finger at the pink jeep as an answer to my question.
"Why Emmet what do you mean 'where is your jeep' oh but it is right there." She said calmly as she pointed to the Jeep that just had Alice written all over it. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I waited for her to say 'just kidding' or Ashton Kutcher to pop out of the bush screaming 'YOU JUST GOT PUNKD!!' However neither of those happened and Bella just broke into laughter.
"Y-ou sh-should s-s-ee the l-oo-k o-o-n your face." She said gasping for air. I looked at her shocked as I felt my bottom lip tremble and if I could cry I swear I would. I stormed off into the house completely torn. My baby was dead.
BELLA POV
I heard Emmet storm off without a single giggle. All of a sudden my laughing ceased, as I noticed I had hurt him bad. So I quickly got to my feet and ran into the house, to find Emmet hugging his knees to his chest on the floor as he rocked himself back and forth. I could see I had taken this to far, especially for something as simple as a bucket of water to the head. I quickly ran over to sit by him and I brought him into a hug.
"Aw I'm so sorry Emmet I didn't mean to take it that far." I said trying to calm him down. But he didn't say anything he just looked at me like a 5 year old who had lost his mother at that mall. How was I supposed to make this up to him.
"Do you want me to help you fix it?" I asked hoping it would be enough. I saw him give me a small nod, but I could tell it wouldn't be enough. But then I got a brilliant idea.
"Emmet you want to go to the toy store?" I asked only to have him immediately jump up with a smile. Without a single word he pulled me outside to Edward's Volvo, apparently he wasn't going to drive his Barbie dream Jeep. I laughed as I drove him to Toys R Us, or as he called it Emmet Megoriums Wonder Emporium. He jumped up and down in his seat flipping off any guy who gave him a strange look through the window.
"OMG OMG OMG BELLA I SO LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW!!" He squealed as we came to a stop in front of the overly sized toy store. He ran out at vampire speed not waiting for me to even get out of the car. When I finally reached him, he had his hands on his hips and he tapped his left foot impatiently.
"C'mon, pick it up or they'll take all the good Easy Bake Ovens, and I really need a new one of those, stupid 7 year old girls are frisky!" He earned a few more questioning glances, which once again ignored.
As we entered the icy air conditioned air of the over crowded Toys R Us, Emmet immediately went to pick out his Easy Bake Oven. I just stood there leaned against the wall as I waited for him. I tried to relax when I suddenly heard a high pitched scream coming from one of the many pink coated aisles.
"GIVE ME MY EASY BAKE OVEN…..MOMMY THIS MAN IS BEING MEAN!" I saw a little blonde haired girl screeching as she tried to pull the easy bake oven out of Emmet's big hands.
"BELLA THIS ANNOYING LITTLE GIRL IS BEING MEAN TO ME!!" Emmet screamed out as he called to me like the little girl had called to her mother, who had rushed to her side as I reached Emmet.
"Let go of my baby's easy bake oven you lunk headed asshole" The women who I recognized as Mrs. Newton screamed out at Emmet. Emmet stood there stunned, but still refused to let go of his easy bake oven.
"Oh No You didn't! You Paris Hilton knock up." I screamed letting my fist slam against the pound of makeup she had on caked on her face. She looked scared as she fell back onto the floor.
"Bella is that you! I should've figured you think your to good for us now that your marrying Edward Cullen." She scoffed as she picked herself up off the floor. I could hear Emmet growl, but I knew if he punched her, that bony little face of hers would shatter into a million little pieces. I knew the fact that I rejected her son just brought resentment towards me, so that made the idea of her bones shattering sound so tempting but I held Emmet's hand down anyway.
"Come Emmet leave this two faced beeyotch, to grieve over her gay son's rejection." I said pulling a laughing Emmet away. He let go of the easy bake oven making the little girl fall back.
"Damn Bella I didn't know you had it in you, I'm so proud of you my little klutzilla sister!" He said bringing me into another one of a kind Emmet bear hug. I laughed as I hugged him back and he pulled me up and down the aisles.
After about an hour I felt my hands ache from all the toys Emmet had put into the basket. Emmet was somewhere in the toy tore as I stood on the mile long line waiting with the credit card he had given me with the name Kellan Lutz encrypted onto the front of the silver card.
"OMFG BELLA HELP ME!" I heard Emmet scream as he rushed to my side with a 20Q game in his hand.
"What happened Emmet, did the 7 year old attack again." I asked curiously.
"No even worse." He said completely worried. " Edward is in trouble." He said shoving the 20Q box in my face. I felt my muscles tighten at the words.
"What! What kind of trouble?" I asked urgently, ready to run to the car even if I had to steal the toys for Emmet.
"Well I was playing this game, and each time it got it right, and I think Edward got stuck in here, oh my god this is horrible, we have to break this thing." He said shaking the box frantically. I looked at him, as my muscles relaxed and I burst into laughter.
"Klutzilla this is so not funny, I mean we have to break this thing to get him out!!" Emmet said to me surprised that I was laughing. "Hang on Edward, we're going to get you out!" He screamed into the inanimate object only making me laugh harder.
"Emmet, Edward isn't in there, its just a game."
"Oh yeah prove it!" Before I could respond I felt something vibrate in my pocket. I flipped the small silver phone open.
"Hello." I answered trying to calm Emmet down.
"Hello Love, could you please tell my brother I'm fine." I heard his velvet voice say as he tried not to laugh.
"Is that my little masochistic lion, is he ok" Emmet asked ripping the phone from my ear.
"OMG my little masochistic lion you ok, well that's all I needed ttyl!" Emmet hung up the phone before Edward could get another word in. Emmet now relived that his little masochistic lion wasn't stuck in the game stuffed it among his toy mountain.
No matter how excited Emmet got the line wouldn't move any faster then a few centimeters per minute. I could feel Emmet start to get impatient as he switched his weight from one foot to another.
"Bella I'm bored, can you sing with me?" I just shook my head know and urged him to sing anyway.
"Fine, but you have to dance." Before I had time to protest he had the toy mountain saving our place in line as he began humming some random song.
"and if your not gay you can come in to Emmet Megoriums' wonder Emporium, where the toys are awesome but not as awesome as Emmet, because he is the coolest and deserves to live in an awesome chocolate castle that his best friend Willy wonka built cuz he is ok to, but now prissy little 7 year olds are aloud just read the sign!! And um I cant think of the rest of the song so I'll sing something else while I flip this guy out!!"
Emmet sung his song in an abnormally high pitch, as he dragged me from one spot to the other as some other guys joined in laughing. Even the guy Emmet flipped out laughed. But of course Emmet wasn't done.
"I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chap stick!" He sang his voice going impossibly higher. Even though he was singing I kissed a girl by Katy Perry, he pranced around dancing to 'She's a Maniac On the Floor' by Michael Sembello. His dance only needed a pair of tights and bucket of water to fall on him when he was done, but even without it I couldn't help but fall to the floor laughing.
"Bella you are so much more fun then watching Aro, Felix, and Demetri model Speedos in the volturi castle." My eyes went wide at the mental picture, and I hear Emmet laugh at my expression. He picked me off the floor and we paid for our things.
As we reached the Cullen household once again, Emmet skipped up to his room to play with the 4 jumbo bags of toys he had bought in just 2 hours.
"And Speedos make the world go round, at Emmet Megoriums' Wonder Emporium" Emmet sang all the way to his room leaving me to crash on the floor. I flipped the TV to find a beach commercial playing. I let it run because apparently America's Next Top Model was still on. But that was a decision I regretted quickly when a familiar pale face came to face onto the sixty inch plasma screen. My eyes widened as Aro, Felix and Demetri pranced across the beach in bright red Speedos arms clasped to one another, giggling like 13 year old girls. I screamed just at the sight and flung the remote at the TV crashing it through the screen. Emmet came rushing down to see his TV broken.
"AHHHH BELLA NOOO" Emmet screamed getting the same pained look as he did when I ruined his Jeep. He didn't run away this time though he just picked me up leading me back to the car.
"AND WERE GOING BACK TO EMMET MEGORIUMS' WONDER EMPORIU, BECAUSE KLUTZILLA NEEDS TO BUY EMMY A NEW TV…" Emmet sang in his awkwardly high female voice.
"Ugh, Emmet I swear all you need is some blonde hair and ou would be the next Britney Spears." I sighed but he just kept singing. This was going to be a long three days.