The Interrogation of Macavity, Tuesday 10-Oct-2000 12:33:20, (Setting: a dimly lit conference room with one long table and a couple chairs one at either end.)

(Macavity walks in with his usual swagger and sees a burly cat three times his size standing at the other end of the table. The large cat seems to be sizing him up and at the realization that he can't take this brute by himself Macavity's countenance shrinks.)

MACAVITY: (in a loud pleading tone) I didn't do it! I SWEAR I didn't do it! All the things you heard about me are lies...LIES I tell you! I DIDN'T DO IT!!! You have no evidence to prove that I did it!

(The big cat looks at Macavity as if he's a raving lunatic and shrugs his shoulders with an uninterested snort.)

BIG CAT: Okay so you didn't do it.

M: (puzzled) Well don't you want to hear my alibi?

BC: No... I could care less whether you did it- whatever it is- or not.

M: Huh?

BC: I'm the custodial cat pal. (picks up a trashcan, empties it into a bin in the corner, and leaves murmuring "shmuck" under his breath as he passes Macavity on his way out.)

(Macavity sits down at the table with a rather sheepish look and waits for a few moments. Finally a scrawny gray cat known by the name of Smitty enters with an impressive looking suitcase. He places it on the table and takes a seat across from Macavity.)

SMITTY: (clearing his throat) Mr. Macavity I presume?

M: (taking on a posh upper crust accent that he will use throughout the sketch) Yes?

S: I'm Smitty, the cat who will be examining this case. (turns his attention to opening the briefcase)

M: (eyeing the case suspiciously) Charmed.

S: Let's get down to business shall we? (reaches into the case) You stand accused of several reported incidents (pulls out a sizable sheaf of papers from the briefcase part of which spills to the floor in the fashion on continuous- feed printer paper) pages of them as a matter of fact.

M: (with a look of feigned horror) Why I'm shocked! ME?

S: (not at all amused with Mac's theatrics) Yes. All the witnesses to these crimes reported seeing a ginger cat of your description leaving each scene.

M: It can't be possible! It must be an imposter.

S: Yes, well...shall we start with the smaller incidents and work our way up? (grabs a paper from the stack and peruses it carefully) A...uh...Mungo- how do you say this- Mungojerrie?... and Rumpleteazer... (shakes head and murmurs something to himself)... claim you helped them rifle a jewelry box. Among the items missing was a Woolworth pearl necklace. According to this signed statement, they said you would claw them to death if they didn't do it.

M: (looking up from examining his claws) Mungojerrie and Rumple...who?

S: (with a look of annoyance) Teazer. Do you know them? They claim to be two of your agents. (pulls a picture of the two from the stack and hands it to Mac)

M: Well (forgetting why he's there) They're a couple of my spies- (catches himself)-er- I mean they're telling lies!

S: (raising an eyebrow) So you deny any knowledge of them.

M: (earnestly shaking his head, but not sure which direction to shake it) Of course!

S: (looking thoughtful) Hmm...(draws another picture- this time of Griddlebone- from the stack and hands it to Mac) All right, do you know her?

M: (chuckling mildly) Oh no. I think I've seen her before but no, I don't know her personally. I would NEVER hang around someone who'd been involved with Growltiger!

S: Well let's move on then. (grabs a group of stapled papers from the stack) On the night of the Jellicle ball, one member of the tribe named...(flips the top page to read the next)... Demeter...claimed you tried to catnap her.

M: (playing dumb to the hilt) Demeter? Who's that?

S: (hands Mac a picture of her) You mean to tell me you've never seen her before?

M: (pretending to think really hard) No, never.

S: (with a look of serious doubt on his face) Never?

M: Well... (more mock- thinking)...m-may--be in passing in the alley, but I never actually met her.

S: Might you know the protector of the tribe, a tom named Munkustrap?

M: (hisses at the sound of his sworn enemy's name but once again catching himself, tries his best to turn the hiss into a cough) Er- ahem- NO, no.

S: (kicking into full prosecutor mode) Then WHY did you hiss just then?

M: (on the defensive and scrambling for an answer) It's my asthma!

S: (sinks back into his chair with a resigned roll of the eyes) I see. This Munkustrap...(pauses to see if Mac hisses again, but Mac is able to fight the impulse this time with effort)... claims that you first catnapped Old Deuteronomy, then disguised yourself as him so you could get to Demeter.

M: (very smugly) Oh really? That can't be true.

S: Why not?

M: Because I wasn't there.

S: Well, her best friend Bombalurina (pulling another picture from the pile and showing it to Mac) who also reports that she and Demeter were once...ah...INTIMATE with you, backs this testimony up.

M: (looking shocked) Me? Catnap Old Deut? I love him like a father...and this Demeter- whoever she is- well I'm insulted! I'm wounded that anyone could even imply such things! This is because I'm a stray isn't it? Some prejudice that strays are horrible? How unkind of you... I thought I was going to get justice...(pretends to sob)

S: (sighing still unimpressed by this show) Okay, just for the record, where were you the night of the jellicle ball?

M: In the park.

S: Did anyone see you?

M: Of course! Now let me think...

S: What were you doing?

M: I was trying to sleep. I don't have a home of my own like (his lip curling) certain OTHER cats. I have to sleep anywhere I can.

S: (scanning another document) You stay in an abandoned building don't you?

M: Yes. It belonged to my former master.

S: What happened to him?

M: He had an... accident (Smitty cocks a whisker as Mac drops back into mock sadness). Life has been horrible without him...I miss him so much (pretend s to sob).

S: (reading another paper) Well then, what about this Peke? He claims you stifled him.

M: (incredulous) Are you KIDDING? HE stifled ME? He tied me up and tortured me...oh, the memory is too painful to speak of!

S: Well (shuffling through a large handful of official-looking papers) some humans have also reported incidents.

M: (enthusiastically) I'm telling you, it must be that imposter.

S: (unenthusiastically) Yes, it certainly must be. But have you ever stolen milk?

M: Milk? ME? (disdainfully) Believe me, if I were to steal something, which I wouldn't, it certainly wouldn't be milk!

S: I see. Well (shuffling to another report) another lady claims you broke her greenhouse window then did irreparable damage to her trellis.

M: (trying to play a lawyer himself now) How do they know it was me? Anybody could have done those things.

S: A cat of your description was seen leaving the scene of each crime.

M: Well I didn't do it. Surely I'm not the only ginger cat in the world. Do they have any hard evidence to prove it was me?

S: (mumbles to himself, sighing resignedly) No, I guess not. I suppose then that this was a rather lengthy waste of our time. You may go, but stay in town. I may have to speak to you again. Good day.

M: Good day sir. It's been a blast! (he leaves quickly with a devilish grin on his face)

S: (to himself) Well, I may have been in the wrong. In spite of his ego, he seems respectable enough... (suddenly hears a noise from under the table). Hey, what's that ticking?

(BOOM! An explosion rocks the room with a flash; smoke and papers flying everywhere.)

S: (enraged) MACAVITY!!!

(Just then, a squad of police burst into the room. the lead officer turns to a soot-covered Smitty).

OFFICER: Who did this?

S: Macavity! (coughs) he's out there.

(another officer comes in and reports:)

OTHER OFFICER: Uh, sir. Macavity's not there!

Written by Zenobia...Edited by Caesar