I...I have no idea what brought this on. It's based on a true story...sort of...and is very different from what I usually write. It's crude, dumb, sweary, adult, and very violent...okay, so it's exactly like what I usually write, the main differences that my stories usually have a lot of effort put in them, ridiculous word counts, and insane amounts of my time dedicated to them. This one took about 4 hours, and was a spur of the moment thing that I wanted to write while I still had inspiration. It's a comedy...I use that term VERY loosely...and...well...it's about elfroot. Saying anything else would spoil it. Please enjoy.
(Dragon Age belongs to Bioware, and Ben belongs to undeadboy ( u/3033503/) )
The Elfroot Problem
Ben was pissed off. He'd spent three days (THREE FUCKING DAYS) journeying through the Brecilian Forest in order to kill Witherfang. He'd fought living trees, darkspawn, a mad teleporting hermit, a shade, revenants, more darkspawn, more trees, werewolves, undead, giant spiders, more undead, more revenants, MORE undead, and countless other enemies that he'd forgotten about. He'd also been shouted at by elf ghosts in a foreign language (The middle fingers that they gave him made it very clear what they were shouting about), and he'd gotten third degree burns from a fucking dragon. Why was there even a dragon down here?! Sure he'd learnt how to become an Arcane Warrior, but this entire quest had been a pain in the arse. However, he had finally, FINALLY, reached Witherfang, and agreed to parley so he could freeze and shatter the fucker when he wasn't looking. However, not only had he discovered that Witherfang was actually a hot plant lady (Like…wow. He had barely been able to stop staring at that FINE…GREEN…ASS), but Zathrian, the elf who had given him this quest, was a liar. Both Zathrian and the wolves were equally to blame for the current situation, but Benjamin was finding it very hard to give a crap.
He was fed up of this. Blood from at least seven different creatures was splattered all over him, he'd been stabbed about sixteen times, his entire body ached, and he just…didn't…care anymore. So when The Lady of the Forest (Witherfang's sexy alter ego) asked him what he was going to do, he has asked for a moment so he and his allies could confer amongst themselves. Currently, he, Morrigan, Leliana and Alistair were huddled together in a circle far from the other wolves, trying to come up with a solution.
"Okay guys…" Benjamin began, before stopping as a loud yawn escaped his lips. He rubbed his tired eyes, and resisted the urge to sleep as he continued. "…I don't know about you, but I'm exhausted, so what's the quickest way we can end this?" Leliana and Alistair stopped for a second to think, while Morrigan just shook her head, as though the answer was obvious.
"Just kill her! She's right there! An arrow through the throat, and this whole thing will be over." Ben nodded.
"Okay, that is a quick solution, I'm all for that." He commented, stifling a yawn.
"Don't you care what happens to these people?" Alistair asked. "They're just as much victims as the elves are."
"I know, and normally, I'd be trying to make diplomatic relations here, but I'll be frank…I'm too tired to care anymore. As long as we leave here with reinforcements for the army, I'm fine with it." Alistair looked annoyed, but he didn't comment.
"I don't think slaying her is the best idea." Leliana said, and Morrigan sighed.
"You could sing to her. I'm fairly certain she'd end herself after hearing your singing voice." Morrigan jibed, causing Leliana to bristle.
"I'm just saying, she'd be dead, but there are about ten werewolves in here. We have no potions, we're all tired, and they're lethal killing machines. Turning on them is a bad idea." Morrigan looked like she was about to argue, only for her eyes to widen as she realised Leliana had a point.
"Should we kill the elves then?" The wild mage asked.
"Werewolves would certainly be useful against the darkspawn." Alistair mused. "But killing all those innocent elves…I'm not sure if I could justify it to myself." Ben groaned.
"Who cares about those pointy eared bastards?!" He snapped. "They had the gall to kick me out of their camp, and not let me shop at their store anymore!"
"Because you broke into their chest after they specifically told you not to." Leliana pointed out.
"Well technically, you picked the lock." Ben countered.
"Only because you promised to give me a magical foot rub in return." Leliana argued with a grin.
"Okay look, as soon as we get out of here, I'll rub your feet till my hands start bleeding, okay? For now though, we need to get this over with. How about a vote? Who wants to kill the elves?" He put his hand up, and so did Morrigan. "And who doesn't want to kill the elves?" Leliana and Alistair put their hands up. A tie. "Balls!" He cursed.
"Perhaps we should take a recount?" Morrigan suggested. Ben had no idea where she was going with this, but he reluctantly complied.
"Okay…who says we shouldn't kill the elves?" Alistair and Leliana put their hands up. "And who says we should?" He put his hand up, and Morrigan put her hand up too…all eight of them, as she'd transformed into a spider when nobody had been looking. He smirked. "Well there you have it, nine in favour, two opposed. Majority rules!" Before the templar or the bard could argue, Ben had already dragged the entire group back to The Lady.
"Have you made a decision?" She asked in her beautiful, sing song voice.
"We have." Ben replied.
"We didn't agree." Alistair grumbled, only for Ben to shoot him a glare that could scare the dead back to life. He then coughed, before making his suggestion.
"You should murder all the elves." He said casually. Huh…saying it out loud…it sounds really psychotic. He thought to himself, while The Lady replied.
"I do not seek a violent solution." She replied, but Ben was quick to counter.
"But the elves do, and you know Zathrian will burn this entire forest down to get to you. You need to kill him, and the elves won't let you, so you'll need to kill them too. They won't stand a chance against you." The Lady seemed unsure, but her follower Swiftrunner was keen to voice his opinions.
"Kill them all! We should feast on their flesh for what they have done to us!" He growled, and the rest of the wolves in the room began to cheer.
"My followers seem to think we should go to war." The Lade said. "Therefore, I shall do what they ask. We will kill the elves for all they have…" Before she could finish her sentence, the entire room lit up in a blue flash of light. In a far corner of the chamber, behind and to the right of the lady, a huge sphere of blue energy had appeared. Lightning shot from the sphere, arcing in every direction and killing a fair few wolves. As everybody moved for cover however, the lighting stopped, and the sphere shrunk, until it was the size of an average human. The sphere slowly faded away, leaving only a man in its wake, kneeling on the stone floor.
The man was very muscular, and completely naked. Ben's eyes narrowed as all the women in the room, Leliana included, began to stare at the new arrival…only for his eyes to widen again as he realised he recognised the new arrival. The black hair…the brown eyes…No way. Ben thought. Apart from the fact that he hadn't shaved in a while, the mysterious nude stranger looked just like Ben…only a lot more ripped. As he turned around, Ben even realised that the guy with his face even had exactly the same size dick as him…and Leliana was gazing longingly at it. Great.
"Holy crap, it worked!" The naked enigma exclaimed as he looked around the room, and felt his body just to make sure he wasn't dead. He laughed in disbelief, and a wildly happy smile appeared on his face. His expression hardened as he saw Ben however, and realised where he was. "WAIT!" He called. "Look, Ben, I know what you're about to do, okay? DON'T FUCKING DO IT!" Ben tilted his head to the side in utter confusion.
"Okay, what in Andraste's name is going on here?" The young mage asked in confusion. "Who are you, why do you look like me, how do you know my name, AND WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"
"I'm you, idiot." The naked stranger replied. "I'm you from the future. I came back to stop you from making a terrible, terrible mistake." Ben didn't seem convinced.
"Yeah right. You're me?"
"I am."
"Prove it."
"I know exactly what position you used first on Leliana the first time you made love." Ben, Leliana and Alistair all whitened immediately, while the wolves looked on in confusion, The Lady tilted an eyebrow, and Morrigan grinned a mischievous grin.
"Well don't keep us in suspense." She said eagerly, only for Ben to interject.
"ENOUGH, ENOUGH!"
"I also know that when you were growing up in the Mages Tower, you named your penis Jerry." The stranger revealed. Ben turned white as a ghost, while Morrigan burst out laughing, and both Leliana and Alistair simultaneously brought their palms to their faces.
"Okay, you're me." Ben conceded with a weary groan, and his future self grinned.
"Excellent."
"But why are you even here?" Present Ben asked.
"Because you're about to do something that will screw you over in weeks to come." Future Ben said seriously. "Do not, under any circumstances, kill the elves." Ben shot him a quizzical look.
"But why?" He asked his future self.
"Because something bad will happen!" Said future self replied tersely.
"They deserve it."
"I know they do."
"And it's the quickest way to end this."
"But it'll cause something bad to happen."
"I can handle that." Future Ben twitched slightly on hearing that.
"If you could handle it, do you think I WOULD'VE COME BACK IN TIME?!" He yelled, causing Present Ben to back away slightly.
"How did you travel back anyway?" Alistair asked.
"It's very simple, you see…SHUT UP."
"Well that was uncalled for."
"Look, I just came back in time to say DON'T KILL THE GUYS AND GALS WITH THE POINTY EARS! That's it! Don't kill them!"
"But I'm tired." Present Ben whined.
"YOUR LAZINESS CAUSED ME TO GET RAPED IN THE ASS!" Future Ben snapped, and the entire room stared opened mouthed at him. Even Present Ben, who had gone approximately 72 hours without sleep, was now wide awake.
"Okay…you're going to have to explain that one to me." He said slowly, and his future self sighed.
"Dammit…fine." Future Ben growled, before clearing his throat as he began his story. "Once upon a time, I was tired and fed up, so I committed genocide by having some angry but easily manipulated werewolves kill a bunch of elves who had pissed me off. I carried on my quest to unite Ferelden against the Blight, eventually reaching Orzammar. I had to go into the Deep Roads, I'm not telling you why because: SPOILERS, but I was out of poultices, so I went to buy some more. I couldn't, as every shop that sold them was currently out of stock, likely because of me. No worries, I thought, I'll just make some. I went around trying to buy elfroot, but again, everybody was selling any. Somehow, I had bought every poultice and every piece of elfroot in Ferelden. Then, it hit me: the Dalish elves had a pretty much limitless supply of elfroot. I remembered one of their clan mentioning how they never ran out of it, and the shop in their camp had a bottomless supply of the stuff. I couldn't buy it though, because I'd killed them. They were dead, so I couldn't buy elfroot from them, and there was absolutely nowhere else for me to get any. Then, I made the stupidest mistake of my life. I headed into Deep Roads, without any health poultices whatsoever." There was a pause.
"So how'd it go?" Present Ben asked slowly.
"Alistair got ripped in half by an ogre, Oghren was mobbed and eaten alive by deep stalkers…"
"What's an Oghren?" Present Ben asked, only for Future Ben to gesture at him to shut up.
"And Leliana, dear, sweet Leliana…I'd accidently frozen the floor with a cone of cold, she slipped on the ice, and fell face first into some lava." A dark look appeared in his eyes, as though he was actively reliving that horrible memory. "She didn't stop singing even as she burnt alive. She only stopped once her head melted." Both Bens looked like they were going to be sick. Leliana looked like she might join them. Alistair looked horrified. Morrigan looked bored.
"So, what happened next?" Present Ben asked. Future Ben simply turned around, revealing that his ass was bright red. "Oh…" Present Ben replied dumbly.
"Did you know darkspawn had dicks?" Future Ben asked bitterly. "I didn't. I didn't know they had sex drives either. They tortured me for so long, I started to go utterly mad. I stopped shaving, and exercised so that I would be strong enough to escape. That's why I look so damned gorgeous." Morrigan licked her lips, making both Ben and Alistair more than a little queasy. "It was a horrible two days." Present Ben wasn't sure he'd heard him right.
"Two days?!"
"A lot can happen in two days."
"Just how far in the future are you from anyway?" Future Ben shrugged.
"I don't know, about a week? Anyway, eventually I was able to kill my darkspawn guards and escape the thaig where they'd been holding me."
"What's a thaig?" Present Ben asked.
"Underground dwarven city, now shut up and listen." Future Ben barked, before continuing. "I found an old dwarven lab nearby, and a machine that could be used to travel through time. Those mad dwarven bastards had actually developed a way to make time their bitch! It required a metric fuck ton of lyrium to use, but by using some nearby Legion of the Dead guys and a few deep stalkers as…donors…I was able to use blood magic to power it."
"Waitwaitwait!" Present Ben interrupted. "Blood magic?! Are you insa…"
"Don't you judge me!" Future Ben angrily interrupted. "I WAS RAPED IN THE ASS! I HAVE AN EXCUSE!" Present Ben piped down, and his (Scary) future self casually cleared his throat, before continuing. "Anyway, with a few buckets of dwarf and deep stalker blood, and a bit of my own blood harvested from my devastated bunghole, I was able to power the machine, and I immediately used it to travel back here."
"But why are you naked?" Present Ben was embarrassed it had taken him so long to ask such an obvious question.
"Inorganic substances can't travel through the time stream." Present Ben and co looked confused. "You can't bring ANYTHING back with you when you travel through time." His simplified explanations caused everyone to nod in understanding.
"So wait, all your friends died, you were tortured and violated by darkspawn, and you came back to…do what exactly?"
"STOP YOU FROM MURDERING THE ELVES!"
"But…why?"
"By Andraste, did I really used to be such a fucking idiot?"
"Hey, I haven't slept in three days! I'm not exactly running at maximum efficiency!" Future Ben sighed.
"Okay look, I'll explain this once more, and as slow as I possibly can. Do…you…under…stand?" Present Ben nodded, and Future Ben recapped what he had just explained…very…very…slowly. "Okay. I came back…to stop…you…from killing…the elves…because without them…I can't get elfroot…so I can't make healing poultices…so I go into the Deep Roads without them, my friends die, and I get ASS RAPED!"
"Wait…this whole thing is about elfroot?" A mad look appeared on Future Ben's face, and he darted forwards before grabbing Present Ben by the collar with both hands.
"OF COURSE IT IS YOU IDIOT! ELFROOT IS SERIOUS FUCKING BUSINESS!" He screamed in his past self's face, before pushing him away and turning to The Lady of the Forest. "Listen bitch, you're not killing the elves, you're going to make peace with them, so my idiotic past self can get elfroot. Do you understand?"
"I…" The Lady tried to respond, but Future Ben wasn't having any of it.
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND?" A terrified look appeared on her face, but she slowly nodded.
"I would love for there to be peace…but I need to meet with Zathrian first."
"ZATHRIAN!" Future Ben yelled. "COME OUT YOU LITTLE NUG SHIT!"
"What's a nug?" Present Ben asked, while Zathrian suddenly stepped into the room, looking mildly surprised.
"How did you know I followed you here?" The elf mage asked.
"Because I'm from the future you ass." Future Ben replied as he walked over to Zathrian. Only Present Ben noticed that his future self was charging up magical energy.
"Enough of this tripe; why haven't you killed Witherfang yet?" Zathrian asked, completely oblivious as Future Ben prepared his spell.
"Because you're going to end this curse and cure the werewolves." Zathrian laughed in disbelief.
"Am I?"
"Yeah." Future Ben replied coldly…before blasting the elf mage with a cone of cold. Zathrian was powerless to defend himself, and he could only stare in horror as the mage from the future froze him solid, leaving only his bald head unfrozen. "End the curse." He ordered darkly as he stepped closer.
"Never." Zathrian spat, and Future Ben immediately blasted him with lightning. Present Ben, his companions, The Lady, and the werewolves could only watch as a naked Ben from the future violently electrocuted the elven mage. Zathrian shrieked in pain, but nobody in the room was brave enough to step in and help him. Future Ben only stopped when he ran out of magical energy, and by that point the elf was badly scorched. While he waited for it to recharge, the man from the future stepped even closer to Zathrian.
"End the curse." He ordered again, only for Zathrian to spit on him.
"I'd rather die." Future Ben twitched, before smashing the ice around Zathrian. He then punched the elf in the face. Zathrian went down, only for Future Ben to drag him back up, and punch him to the floor again. Then he dragged him up and punched him down again. And again. And again. And again. After every punch, he gave Zathrian the same order, and every time Zathrian refused. After the tenth punch, Future Ben seemed to snap, and attacked Zathrian rapidly.
"I GOT ASS RAPED BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU PRICK! He roared, while constantly kicking the downed mage. Zathrian curled up into a ball to protect himself, while Future Ben viciously assaulted over and over again. Eventually his leg got tired, and he walked away, while Zathrian slowly started to get up. "END…THE…CURSE." He ordered one last time, but Zathrian once again refused. Future Ben began to shake in sheer rage, before bending over and picking up a nearby sharp rock. "You fucking asked for this." He growled, before stabbing the rock into his wrist. Present Ben winced, while Future Ben hissed in pain. Blood began to run down his wrist, and he used it to power his spell. His blood magic now active, he pointed his bleeding wrist at Zathrian, and immediately the elf mage began to scream in pain. "What you feel, is the sensation of your blood boiling within your veins." He said sadistically, while Zathrian fell to his knees. All he could do was howl at the top of his lungs, while his every orifice started to bleed. His ears, his nose, his mouth, even his eyes, blood poured out of all of them, and the pain was evidently excruciating.
"P…please….stop…" He stuttered, barely able to speak from the state he was in.
"You know how to make he stop." Future Ben growled…and Zathrian finally relented.
"Alright…fine…I'll end the curse…I swear. Now please…stop this." Future Ben smiled, before letting his hand drop. Immediately Zathrian stopped bleeding, and he toppled over as he began to recover from the experience. The man from the future meanwhile turned around, and saw that everyone in the room, his past self included, was staring at him with a mixture of awe and horror on their faces.
"I like him." Morrigan whispered in a delighted tone as Ben's homicidal maniac of a future self stepped forwards.
"There, he'll end the curse." Future Ben said to The Lady, while pointing to Zathrian's prone form. "Now you don't need to kill the elves, and my past self can collect his elfroot."
"Very well." The Lady replied. "We will spare the elves."
"Good." With that, Future Ben walked over to his past self. "It's done. The elves are safe, the werewolves are cured, and best of all, you'll never have to worry about having a shortage of elfroot."
"I'm still confused but…thank you?" Present Ben replied slowly, and his future self nodded.
"What will you do now?" Leliana asked.
"Well now that I've changed the future, I don't exist anymore. I'll be fading from existence shortly."
"That's horrible." Leliana said in a horrified tone. Yeah…horrible… Ben thought, while waiting eagerly for his violent future self to disappear. "Is there anything we can do for you?" Leliana asked. Future Ben merely grinned, before kissing her. Every jaw in the room hit the floor as Ben's future self passionately kissed his lover. The worst part was…she seemed to be enjoying it. Present Ben fumed as his future self put a hand on his lady's bottom…and she but both hands on his. He would've stepped in there and fought for his lover, but his future self was bigger than him, stronger than him, crazier than him, more experienced than him, and had blood magic. Before long, Future Ben backed away, and Leliana actually moaned in disappointment. Future Ben walked to the middle of the room and grinned, before fading away. A few seconds later, the man from the future was gone, and Alistair immediately said what everybody in the room was thinking.
"What the fuck just happened?" Nobody answered for a while. After about a minute of total silence, Ben, the only Ben left, finally spoke up.
"I could be wrong…but I think a mad version of me from the future just showed up, tortured Zathrian into curing the werewolves just so I could get some elfroot, then got some hot lip action with my woman before ceasing to exist. Tell me if I forgot anything." Morrigan put her hand up. "Okay Morrigan, what did I forget?" He asked wearily.
"He had a fine rump." She remarked, causing Ben to gag.
"That he did." The Lady of the Forest agreed, to Ben's utter shock. Leliana looked like she was about to speak, but she decided to nod instead, causing a defeated groan to escape Ben's lips.
Leliana approves +10.
I'm sorry. I know I should be working on my Fallout story. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just...okay, remember when I said this was based on a true story? Last night (23/03/2013), my friend and I were talking about his file on Dragon Age. He killed the Dalish elves for some reason, and he was about to enter the Deep Roads, but no shop in Ferelden sold either health poultices or elfroot. The only person in the country who sold limitless supplies of elfroot was a Dalish elf...but all the Dalish were dead. We both slowly realised that, by eliminating the elves, he'd eliminated his only limitless source of elfroot, therefore he couldn't make potions anymore, and he had literally no chance of completing the game. He was forced to load a MUCH earlier save, and I joked he was basically time travelling. I said something to the effect of: 'Wouldn't it be funny if your current character travelled back in time and told your younger character not to kill the Dalish?' and inspiration struck me like a sledgehammer to the head.
So that's where this...story...came from. This is a little peek into my mind. If you take anything away from this, let it be this: Some guy, somewhere in the world, was deranged enough to write this. I've seen more fucked up stories to be sure, but this is probably MY most fucked up one. Plus I'm pretty sure most of the 'humour' fell flat. Or did it? I don't know. Please review. (Oh Christ I'm going to regret saying that.)
P.S: As previously stated, Ben is not my character. I know his name isn't very Dragon Agey but...eh...it's comedy, who cares? Ben was created by undeadboy ( u/3033503/). I just created his personality...and his fucked up future self. undeadboy was barely consulted while writing this but, as he requested, any and all royalties regarding this story should go to him. Send the hatemail to him too. :)