A/N This was just a little thought that entered my head at work today. It's inspired by real events but played for comedic effect and given to one of my favourite "Sorry but no way" pairs.
Disclaimer: Jack and Gwen are not mine, they and the rest of Torchwood belong to the BBC and RTD.
"Why didn't we ever happen?" Gwen asked. Jack was taken aback by the question. However considering it was one in the morning and she was about five beers in he probably shouldn't have been. Both Ianto and Rhys were out of town so Gwen had popped by the hub to see what Jack was up to. They were settled on the couch surrounded by pizza boxes, bags of crisps and a now half empty cooler of beer.
"You mean besides the obvious?" Jack grabbed her hand waving her wedding ring in front of her face.
"I wasn't married when you met me." Gwen pulled her hand away.
"Oh yes you were. You may not have thought so, but you were." Jack picked up his beer and used it to gesture " You two were an old married couple in spirit long before he threw his back out asking you to be his." He took a sip. "Besides, never would have worked."
"What?"
"Us. Think about it, never would have lasted."
"Why, because you can't die? That doesn't stop you and Ianto." Gwen looked at him suspiciously. Jack rolled his eyes.
"It has nothing to do with that. It's a personality thing." Gwen looked offended. He sighed, "Look it works as friends but as a couple? We'd kill each other. Can you honestly say there is nothing about me that drives you nuts?" Gwen took a swig of beer.
"Well, You are a bit arrogant." She paused looking at the state of the room "and messy."
"Exactly. I can't stand your taste in TV shows, and you're annoyingly pushy." Jack added. Gwen started getting competative
" You flirt with everything that moves. And probably things that don't" Jack sat up straight
" You have to fix everything even if it has nothing to do with you. " Gwen put her beer down and poked him in the chest
"You chew with your mouth open, and try to give instructions at the same time."
"You slurp your milkshakes. And I don't know what that sandwich Rhys makes you for lunch is but it smells like something died." They didn't realize it but their voices had reached the point of practically yelling. The pair stared each other down.
"Asshole"
"Prissy" They paused before they burst out laughing. Gwen grabbed her beer and slumped back into the couch drinking.
"You're right, never would have worked." She said. Jack smiled triumphantly.
" This is what I'm saying." He finished his beer and grabbed another. "But alternate timeline one night stand? Definitely."
"Cheers to that." They toasted to mutual understanding.