Disclaimer: Primeval and its characters are the property of Impossible Pictures and I'm only borrowing them for fun. No copyright is intended and no profit is made. Original characters are mine.
A/N: As always, encouragement is welcomed. There may be some errors in the medical side of this but I have made an effort to try and check as much of the fact as possible... and remember, it's just a story for entertainment, not education ;) The story is complete and the remaining chapters will be posted over the next few days or so.
Matt pressed his forehead against the glass next to his splayed palm and swallowed down the tears he could feel beginning to sting his eyes. He was vaguely aware of someone next to him, but he shut them out. His focus was on the crib directly in front of him.
"She'll be fine," Becker said softly, placing a supportive hand on Matt's shoulder. "She's a fighter, just like her mum."
Matt barely acknowledged his friend, keeping his gaze fixed on his tiny daughter, only a few hours old. This wasn't how it was meant to be. After everything they'd been through, individually and as a couple, having a baby was supposed to be something positive at last that everyone could celebrate.
"The doctor asked me to try and persuade you to go home," Becker said. Matt turned and shot him an angry look. "There's nothing you can do here tonight. The baby's sleeping, Abby's sleeping..."
"I need to be here," Matt said slowly and deliberately. "She'll need a feed again in a couple of hours. It's bad enough that Abby can't do it. I won't let my daughter be fed by strangers. And what if Abby wakes and I'm not around? This whole thing has been traumatic for her, if she thinks I've..."
"She's sedated. The doc says she'll sleep for hours yet. Her body needs to rest and so does yours. You won't be any good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself too." Matt shut Becker out and turned his attention back to the crib. There was no way he would leave now. He'd survived on cat naps for many years in his own time, and he could do it again quite easily. He would go back to the room were Abby was and have a couple of hours sleep in the chair at her bedside, after giving the nursing staff strict instructions to wake him when the baby needed to be fed. He was sure the nurses were perfectly capable but Matt was determined he should be the one to do it and begin to establish a bond with his daughter as soon as possible until Abby was strong enough to do it herself.
"When did you last eat?" Becker persisted. He wasn't going anywhere either, not until he'd made sure Matt was doing something to look after himself. He saw Matt give a visible sigh and he knew he'd at least made a small breakthrough.
"Last night," Matt muttered.
"What? Matt, that's a whole day ago!"
"I don't do breakfast, and we were busy dealing with that creature incursion all morning until... until Jess patched that emergency call through to me. I've been here ever since."
"Then if I can't persuade you to go home and sleep, at least let me buy you a burger from across the road."
"I don't do junk food either."
"Once is not going to hurt you. Look, they've got your mobile number, they've got my mobile number... if anything happens, they'll call and we can be back here in less than five minutes." Becker stood firm, giving Matt the sort of stern look he usually reserved for the new recruits to get them in line. Matt's shoulder's slumped and Becker knew he had won this battle.
The evening rush had subsided by the time they arrived at the burger place, so finding a quiet corner was not difficult. "What do you fancy?" Becker asked. "Cheeseburger and fries? Milkshake?"
"Whatever," Matt muttered, glancing around. He was certain the few people that were eating were watching him, judging him, thinking he was a terrible person for leaving his hours old baby daughter and sick wife alone in the hospital across the road. He would eat as much of his burger as he could stomach just to keep Becker off his back and then he'd leave and go back to Abby's room.
Becker pushed a tray of food in front of him and sat opposite. The smell made him feel queasy, but as he swallowed the first mouthful, his stomach growled and he realised just how hungry he was. He would never admit it out loud, but it seemed Becker was right to drag him away and make him have some food.
"So does she have a name yet?" Becker asked, trying to lighten the mood a little.
Matt shook his head. "We had a few names in mind, but we decided that we wouldn't commit until we'd seen her. Since Abby hasn't really seen her yet..." He stopped and swallowed down the tears he could feel welling up. He was not going to cry in public, and certainly not in front of Becker.
"It's just that that's one of the first questions everyone asks isn't it? After 'is it a boy or girl?' and 'how much did she weigh?' of course."
"I'd prefer people not to know yet. If she doesn't make it then..."
"You have to stop thinking like that, Matt!" Becker said firmly. "So, she arrived a bit earlier than she should've, and she's very small and needs extra care at the moment. It doesn't mean that she's going to die. The doctors are very good at taking care of small babies these days. She'll be in your arms and in that nursery you and I spent hours painting before you know it."
"I do appreciate what you're trying to do for me, Becker. But I don't need you to sugar coat the situation. I saw this sort of thing regularly in my own time. On the rare occasion that someone did get pregnant, it usually didn't go to full term. Babies were always born too small, and those that weren't born dead had to fight for air with their tiny lungs. Most didn't make it past the first 48 hours of life."
"But that situation was completely different, Matt."
"Was it? I should've realised that this was a possibility. I probably have some kind of genetic defect caused by years of breathing in toxins."
Becker shook his head. "You're being ridiculous. It's nothing more than an unhappy coincidence. Now. Eat." He nodded in the direction of the half eaten carton of fries on the table.
Matt put two fries into his mouth and chewed, almost having to force them down. He was not entirely convinced that this whole situation wasn't his fault. He was being punished for having hope, for believing things could be normal for him at last. He and Abby had both been to hell and back before they'd found out that she was expecting his baby. They'd dared to hope that it was the end of their sorrows and that a baby would be the start of a happy future they could share together. How stupid could he be?
He'd spent his entire life moving from one loss to another – his mother, though he'd been too young to really remember her, and then his sister not long afterwards. That was when his father vowed to do everything in his power to change things. As he grew up, he witnessed people he cared about lose their battle against the poisonous air or fall victim to the vicious predators. Even though he quickly learnt how to shut off his emotions on the outside, it still hurt on the inside. Death always seemed inevitable around him, even when he and his father finally managed to find the right anomaly to bring them to the 21st century. The hope that things would be different here faded immediately when the doctor diagnosed terminal lung cancer in his father. Matt had to put aside his anger and frustration to focus on the task he'd come here to do, but he couldn't help wondering if his father might have been saved if they'd found the anomaly sooner.
He'd also known Abby had had more than her fair share of tragedy and difficulties in her life. As he'd studied the comings and goings of the fledgling ARC team, he made a point of researching the people who were getting themselves involved – from Helen Cutter and Christine Johnson to Connor's friends Tom and Duncan. Even back then, Matt had found himself drawn to Abby, sympathising with her life history. Like him, she had lost family members at a young age, but she had ended up being pushed from foster home to foster home when her mother had turned to alcohol and violence to ease her own pain and couldn't cope any more.
A year stranded in the Cretaceous era had to be the most arduous thing of all, and Matt had admired the strength and determination Abby and Connor displayed when they returned. With New Dawn destroyed and plans for their wedding in full swing, it should have been a time for celebration, but the cruelty of fate struck again and Connor's tragic death after a locking device failed left everyone reeling, especially Abby.
No-one had seemed particularly surprised when Abby and Matt got together. It was almost a year after Connor's death that Abby finally let other people back into her life after shutting everyone out. Matt had been the one she connected with and he just seemed to understand her pain. They found comfort in each other, and when Abby found out she was pregnant, they took it as a positive sign. A new life, a fresh start. Their wedding was a small, private affair with Becker as best man, Jess as bridesmaid and Lester acting as Abby's father in giving her away, and it had all been perfect until now.
Becker's phone sounded a text message alert and Matt sat up with a start. How long had he been lost in his own thoughts? He should be getting back to the hospital.
"It's okay," Becker said, putting his phone down and seeing Matt's concern. "It was just Jess, looking for an update. What do you want me to tell her?"
"I said I don't want people knowing yet."
"Jess isn't people, Matt. She was the one that found Abby collapsed in the ladies bathroom at the ARC."
Matt pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Of course, sorry. She should know I suppose. If she hadn't found Abby when she did..." He closed his eyes, not wanting to even contemplate what might have happened. By the time Matt had got to the hospital, the doctors had already dealt with the immediate danger of delivering the baby safely and were concerned with saving Abby's life. She had lost a lot of blood, they told him, and were in the process of assessing whether she would need a blood transfusion or whether the fluids and drugs they were getting into her were enough.
"Do you want to head back over, mate?" Becker said. He knew Matt would say yes and they both stood up in silence, weaving through the tables and chairs to the exit of the restaurant. When the fresh air hit him, Matt felt odd. He must've swayed a little because Becker was at his side with a concerned look on his face. "I wish you'd let me drive you home so you can get some sleep."
"I will sleep, Becker. That's a promise, but I need to be with Abby and the baby."
Becker gave up and walked slowly with Matt back across the road to the hospital and down what felt like an endless corridor towards the private room where Abby was. He had done what he could and sensed that Matt was not going to be persuaded to do anything other than be with his wife. Given the circumstances, Becker supposed he would do exactly the same and he really couldn't blame Matt at all.
"I'll stop by Jess's on the way home and fill her in. Always sounds better in person, right?"
Matt nodded. "Tell her thank you from me."
"I will. And I'll come and see you in the morning. Is there anything I can get for you?"
"I'll be fine, but Abby would probably welcome some of her own toiletries and we'll need the baby stuff. There's a bag just inside the nursery door that she started to put together." For once, Matt was grateful that Abby was insistent on being well prepared and he had no doubt she would have thought of everything. She clearly knew he would be useless when the time came, regardless of when that was.
Becker left with a silent goodbye and Matt watched his friend stride back down the corridor until he had turned off and was out of sight. Then he took a deep breath and went back into Abby's room. For a moment, he tried to believe that everything was normal and she was just waiting for him to climb into the bed beside her. She looked peaceful, just as she always did when she slept. Matt often liked to watch her when he was finding rest difficult, he found it comforting. He perched on the edge of the bed and stroked her cheek, pushing aside a stray piece of hair that had fallen over her eyes. That was when he couldn't hold back any more. The tears he'd been fighting when he was with Becker began to fall. She looked like she was made of porcelain, her skin was always pale anyway, but now it appeared almost translucent and cold to the touch.
"Abby!" Grasping her hand in his tightly, he finally allowed himself to cry. Nothing he'd ever experienced before had hurt like this. If he lost Abby now, he wasn't sure he would be able to put himself back together again. Her hand felt so tiny, reminding him just how vulnerable she actually was despite the tough act she always put on in public. She was very much like him in that respect and was probably the reason they had found each other in those dark days after Connor died.
The next thing he knew, a nurse was gently shaking his shoulder and saying his name. He blinked, disorientated for a moment and then he looked at her.
"You said we were to wake you when your daughter needed to be fed. If you need to sleep, we have excellent nursing staff who..."
"No, it's fine. I'll be there in a moment. Thank you."
The nurse gave him a sympathetic look. "You should've come and asked for a spare pillow and some blankets. I'll find you some whilst you're taking care of the baby so you can get a couple more hours sleep in relative comfort. You're going to need as much strength as possible."
Matt gave a grateful smile and stretched out his aching limbs before making his way along the corridor back to the baby unit. He went through the strict hygiene routine he'd been shown earlier before entering the controlled area where the babies requiring special care were.
"Mr Anderson, your daughter is ready to be fed. The nurse is just taking her out of her crib." The midwife in charge said, and motioned for Matt to take a seat whilst the nurse carefully wrapped the tiny baby in a blanket and brought her over to Matt.
"Hey, Princess," he said softly, tenderly stroking her cheek with the tips of his fingers. She stirred slightly, responding to him and he felt his heart skip a beat. Was it possible to feel so much love for her already? The nurse gave him a tiny bottle prepared with formula.
"Would you like me to leave you alone for a few minutes?" she said. "She can be away from the phototherapy unit for about half an hour. Plenty of time for some daddy and daughter bonding."
A sudden panic hit him. What if he did something wrong? "I'd like you to stay, if that's okay?"
"Of course it is." She settled herself on another chair a respectful distance away and busied herself writing on a clipboard. Matt watched her for a moment and then turned his attention back to watching his daughter suckling gently on the teat of the bottle. The baby responded to his touch again and he smiled. Despite the fact she was still very wrinkled with the tell tale yellowing of the skin that had alerted the medics to jaundice, he could see that she had the same delicate facial features that Abby had. She also had a hint of white, downy hair. She was going to be every inch her mother, and that thought made the tears begin to well in his eyes. He'd never really known his own mother, but he hoped that his baby would not only know her mother, but have a long and happy bond with her for many years.
The baby had stopped suckling, and Matt remembered that he needed to wind her. He sat her up and she immediately belched and became floppy in his hands. He pulled her closer to him, listening to her soft rhythmic breathing as she began to fall asleep. He too felt drowsy, and his mind drifted to thoughts of other babies he'd held. In his own time, he'd helped deliver three babies. Two were still born, and he would never forget that terrible stabbing pain in his chest he'd felt when he realised they were dead. The third was born alive, but died after a few minutes despite the best efforts of himself and two others. He gazed down at his sleeping daughter, needing to check that she was breathing.
"Mr Anderson, I'm sorry. It's time for her to go back."
He looked up and nodded and kissed the baby's forehead. "Daddy'll be back later, Princess." he whispered before handing her back to the nurse. He watched as she settled the baby back into the special crib and switched the lamp back on.
"How long will she need to stay under that?" he asked. He was sure the doctors had told him already, but his head was all over the place and he hadn't really taken any of it in.
"Shouldn't be more than a few days, jaundice usually clears up pretty quickly. The doctor will test her bilirubin levels tomorrow morning and we'll be able to see how well she's responding."
"I hope so," he smiled.
As he walked back to Abby's room, he realised just how tired he was, and his stomach was growling in protest as the lack of proper food began to catch up on him. His need for sleep was the greatest though, and he couldn't wait to rest his head beside Abby's and get a couple of hours rest. When he arrived at the room, a nurse was folding a blanket ready to leave on the chair for him.
"Thank you," he said. "I'm ready for that. I never thought to ask for one earlier, they seemed pretty keen for me to go home."
"The day shift don't always realise how it is at night for the relatives," the nurse responded. "Those of us that are used to the night shift just try to make things as comfortable as possible for them instead of trying to get rid of them."
Matt found himself warming to her, detecting a hint of an Irish accent as she spoke and there was a familiarity about her he couldn't place. He did think about asking whereabouts in Ireland she was from, but that would inevitably lead to her asking him the same. The Ireland he had grown up in would be unrecognisable to her, and whilst he had done his research on the history of the place at the insistence of his father, he didn't know enough to get into a discussion that would lead into politics and religion as it always did when you said you were from Ireland.
"I'll leave you to it, Matthew. You look like you need the rest. I expect it's been a very emotionally draining day for you. There's a couple of chocolate bars on the side too for when the hunger really kicks in, but don't tell the doctor or head nurse... I'm not supposed to be giving food to non-patients, and certainly not the unhealthy stuff."
He found the chocolate and felt the hunger pangs grow. Ripping off the wrapper, he broke off a large chunk and pushed it into his mouth. It felt like heaven and he turned to thank the nurse for being so perceptive and thoughtful. She was already almost out of the door.
"Sleep well, Matthew," she said, "and stay strong for your beautiful wife and daughter, and for yourself. You'll all be leaving here as a family before you know it."
After she'd gone, he wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and settled himself half on the bed, half on the chair, with his head nestled into Abby's neck and shoulder and his arm resting protectively around her. Sleep overwhelmed him.