Hello everyone I know it's been a looong time, but that's life for you so I was reading through and dear god lol, so after seeking long and far I found a BETA yay so thanks to the incredible Aliyah_Faith who has taken the time to go through my story which I love so much and fixed all of the many problems with it. So I will be re uploading all the chapters as they come up and then I'll start to post new chapters. Thank you soo much for those of you who have shown interest. Your reviews and follows keep me going.
Why? For fucks sake why do people always have to hurt me? I've let them in, I've made myself vulnerable, I've made myself open, so why am I always never good enough. The thoughts polluted my head as a small sigh left my body. Shake it off Hermione, you're an incredible person. You're the brightest witch of your age! He's just another asshole, I have to move on. I reminded myself over and over, attempting to believe it.
"Hermione? Are you ok? Do you need me to go in there?" A familiar voice called from outside the door.
"No Luna, it's Ok. I'll be out in a second." I responded before looking up at myself in the mirror and splashing some water on my face. I tell myself, 'you Hermione are worthy of love, fuck them, all of them. Fuck her and fuck him, you will not fall again.' That seems to work as I feel a bit more like me.
So what do you do when you're a twenty three year old witch, whose world renowned for being "the brightest witch of your age" yet, here I am sitting on my bathroom floor crying ...again. Ugh why am I crying, for fucks sake I aggravate myself so much sometimes. 'That's what you get Hermione for being the sweet person that everyone assumes you are' the voice in my head taunted. I coached myself to breathe deeper and eventually stopped crying. I cast a quick charm to get rid of the puffiness around my eyes. A glance in the mirror showed me that I looked a bit more human now. It wasn't the best but it was going to have to do. You know what? Fuck him it was only a couple of dates, why am I crying? I've lived through sooo much worse. I can handle this of course I can! I look into mirror and wipe away the silly tears, that's the last time I watch any romantic movie after a failed fling. God looking back at it now, I didn't even like the guy to much to begin with. I come out into the hallway and find Luna sitting on a bar stool in the living room of the flat we both live at.
Luna really has been a godsend, since after the war and all throughout Hogwarts we have been the best of friends, she's heard and seen everything to the point that she could recite every breakup by heart, it's really the most mortifying thing ever, but she tells me over and over again how she loves me and wouldn't want to live anywhere else. It's funny because I don't think her boyfriend Blaise likes how much time we spend together, who am I kidding I live Blaise about as much as I do Luna he's one of the most incredible guys I have ever met.
Luna and Blaise have been an item since way back in Hogwarts, there love is one for the ages. A couple of love up goons haha, except for the brief time after Hogwarts. They decided to give each other some space so as to "find each other apart" whatever that bullocks meant, all I heard was cries from Luna and secretive owls form Blaise asking how Luna was. So after graduation Luna and I decided that after the hell we went through we deserved some well deserved time off and traveled through Europe and North and South America, visiting the temple pyramids in Mexico and going to Carnival in Brazil then Mardi Gras in New Orleans. We spend some wild nights sleeping in brothels and dancing the night away in clubs from Los Angeles and New York, coincidentally that's where we met back up with Blaise. After his moms sixth marriage fell through he decided to move to the states and one fateful rainy night in New York city who do we see coming out of a cab, but one Blaise Zabini. The moment he and Luna locked eyes it was instantaneous love. While I was super happy for her especially after her relationship with Neville feel through and he ran straight into the arms of one Astoria Grengrass. Soon enough though Blaise and Luna stopped kidding themselves and reunited and we all became great friends again, which is how we got him to move back to England and come to Cambridge. Soon after completing our studies Luna and I found work at a coffee shop we eventually purchased and converted into a much larger and incredibly lucrative nightclub, which gave me the opportunity of buying my own Book Store and Coffee House. One would think that I would have a fucking great life, but life's never that easy.
"Hermione what's up love?" Luna inquired from across the room, hot tea in hand concern etched on her beautiful face.
"I don't know Luna, I feel like I've hit a snag in my life. I love my life, but ugh" I huffed as I plopped myself down onto my favorite plush blue couch. I watched Luna laugh a little and walk over to me and sit in the couch across.
She gave me a soft knowing smile as she rested her hands on her legs. I hated how she could read my every thought.
"Hermione if you keep reliving every bad relationship, how are you ever going to let anyone knew in. Am I happy that you dumped that Denise asshole? Of course because you didn't like him, you were dating hjim for the sake of dating him and that's not healthy. You have to find someone who knows how freaking incredible you are."
"I know it's just that the entire situation fucking sucks...I thought that after all this time that this time it would work, but it always goes from being perfect to 'suck-a-bag-of-dicks' in a heartbeat." She laughed a little at my ever so eloquent choice of words and kept a thoughtful look for a few moments before speaking.
"You know what would help? And here me out on this ok? Write it all down, let it all out...all of it Hermione, don't hold back. That's how we move on, we scream it out we vent and then we move forward." She spoke. Leaning back and I'm sure waiting for me to disagree. I just stared back at her and nodded slowly.
"You know what? You're right I mean I'm sure I'll feel like a moron to begin with, but you know what I'm doing it." So here I am sitting crisscrossed on my bed with my laptop on my lap because I mean actually who actually writes things down on paper anymore? So this is what I'm going to do.
Entry # 1: Love is a Battlefield
Some person at some point of time once said "Time Heals all Wounds" well that person can go suck it, that person also probably had never had their heart ripped out of their chest and put in blender. Enjoy my use of imagery there. You my dear friend are going to be my life line, my last shred of sanity. As Luna dictated to me I will not hold back, I will let everything out and that means telling you everything. Things that I didn't even want to face myself. So throughout the length of this experiment I will refer to you my confidant and unbiased entity as friend. So friend let's start with the root of the problem the first love that started me off on this crazy journey, Cormac.
I know shocking right...why not dear old Ronald? Don't worry we'll get to him soon enough, but he was not the first and it's always best to start at the beginning. I know that I said a lot of very unflattering things about Cormac, but anyone who paid attention would have seen it. Cormac and I started "hanging out" third year, I remember the first time I met him, I was in Ancient Runes while Ron and Harry were busy with Divination rubbish. I was sitting by myself reading at my seat when someone blocks my reading and lock eyes with this incredibly handsome and rather forward guy, who wasted no time leaning forward and telling me I looked beautiful, causing a laugh to come from my mouth and a blush to come to my cheeks. I had commented that he must be pretty confident to just approach me like that, he leaned to my desk and said "Well when I see a beautiful girl sitting by herself I have to say 'Hi'. It's in my rule book". That's all it took, soon enough we were sitting together every day and sending little notes to each other. One day I see him slip a piece of parchment into my lap, a grin across his face, the only difference being that this one had a sort of embarrassed quality to it, which only made me that much more nervous. I unfolded the rather nonthreatening piece of parchment and started at a tons of scratched out writing
'Hermione,
I was wondering if you know I mean we've been spending a lot of time together and you know...How about it? What I mean to say is I like you and you obviously like me would you like to you know date? God that sounds so stupid, ugh just put me out of my misery please? I don't usually do this kind of thing so yeah, would it sound conceited if I say that I'm usually on the receiving end of this? Oh god that did shit shit, why am I writing this? AHHH I'm just making it worse, shit, bugger, fuck ugh make it stop.'
Let me tell you it was the hardest thing I've ever done not to burst into laughter right then and there, but I couldn't resist and it was perfect for a couple of months. Sure Ron threw a fit, "McLaggen! Hermione what happened to Oh He's foul is foul your thing now? Hermione why can't you find yourself a good Hufflepuff or yet a Ravenclaw I'm sure Lavender can set you up with someone you don't have to downgrade yourself like that. I'm sure a lot of guys like smart girls like you." Harry just raised his hands up in aggravation, "Shut the bloody hell up Ron, this is Hermione's choice don't throw a fit because he beat you out for Keeper man. Hermione Cormac's a good bloke" And for a few weeks Harry became my favorite.
Looking back at those moments I don't honestly think that even if I had known the things that I know now, I would've chosen a different path.
I remember all of the good moments, laying by the lake reading and looking up to see him walking over to me with a smile that made me feel like I was the best part of his day. Just laying with him listening to music and talking for hours on end about everything possible. But with all the good comes the bad and for me that was during end of year tests. I remember how swamped we were with work and how Wednesday was our only day to be with each other. I remember walking to where we usually met a knot in my stomach from the anticipation of seeing him, I had smile spread across my face so wide I thought my cheeks were going to tear. But as I rounded the corner to to the hall, I felt my world shatter and I came to an abrupt halt.
The site in front of me still haunts me to this day seeing Cormac looked in a heated embrace, fingers in hair and hand on the lower back of some blonde hufflepuff. I remember gasping and seeing him pull back quickly, eyes searching because he heard me. He disentangled himself from the girl as his eyes locked into mine. That felt like an eternity, it was probably only a couple of seconds, but it felt like years. I couldn't move and then he started talking "Hermione...I'm...it's not...babe..." he might as well have been speaking mermish. I remember just walking away as if in a daze, I just kept walking and walking until I blinked and found myself in front of my bed. I cried myself to sleep for days. Day after day I went about the routine of life, but I wasn't truly there. Cormac would find me in random corridors "Hermione I'm sorry she...it meant nothing" Harry and Ron would stand in front of me creating a blockade for me as I walked past him. You go through the mechanics of life until one day you wake up and it hurts a little less. Then when day you awake and realize that all the stuff you choose to suffer through is bullshit, and that you just live life the best you can. If you can minimize the occurrences of being pulled by the puppet strings of said bullshit…you're doing alright. I look back at my time with Cormac and relish in the pain I suffered because it taught me a vital lesson, that fairytale love doesn't exist. It's all rubbish made up to have us buy into this notion of the perfect person. I-
Just then there was a knock on the door and I looked up as the door opened. Luna's head popped in and had an entertained expression.
"So how's the writing going?" She asked. I lifted my shoulders in a shrug.
"Good it's going good I just finished up with Cormac" I replied. Looking back down at what I had written.
"Oh yeah I forgot about him, that was a bad one..you ok?" She came and sat by me on the bed, putting her hand on my knee.
"Yeah actually I am, hey how about we head down to the club, didn't we book a Muggle band this time?" I asked, attempting to change the subject. It must have worked because she jumped up, smiling.
"Oh that's right we got 'Death cab for Cutie'. I absolutely love 'I will possess your heart'. Well lets get dressed then and we'll head down." Luna said as she stepped out, closing the door behind her. Looking at my work l can't help but feel a little sad again, reliving the past has a way of bringing back those shadows of emotions. I hurriedly got changed and shut the laptop behind me, casting a security charm just in case. Luna opens the door unexpectedly and smiles a bit.
"What?" I ask her with mild amusement at the look on her face.
"Hermione dress up nice ok, Blaise is bringing a friend in and you never know right." she ran out before I could say a word. Ugh those two have the worst timing imaginable, who could Blaise possibly think would be appropriate to introduce to me right now?