I wrote this ages ago, and holy shit, I cried so much.
Her wide, unblinking eyes were focused on the TV screen. There's Something About Mary was playing on the movie channel, but it was background noise. Her huband Joey was upstairs putting their children, Lily Jr. and Joey Jr. Jr (Frank Jr. Jr. liked that he wasn't the only one to be a junior times two) to sleep and she was trying to distract herself. Nothing had been the same since Monica had died. Chandler had tried his best to take care of the twins and Ross and Rachel put their attention on Emma. Joey was trying to move on, but his wife couldn't. She took care of her children, who were both too young to understand what was going on, but she felt hollow and pained.
"Pheebs?" Joey asked, appearing at the door. He made his way over to the couch and sat beside her, putting an arm around Phoebe's shoulder.
"Hey." Her voice was scratchy and he could tell she had been crying. Joey placed a kiss on her forehead and brought her closer to him, where she cried into his shirt. He wrapped both arms around her shoulders in a tight embrace.
"Shh, babe. It'll be okay." She didn't respond to this feeble attempt a comfort. Phoebe heard the uncertainness in his voice. She heard the waver when he spoke. She saw the pain behind his eyes whenever he told her things would get better. She saw the mask that Joey had perfected. He ran a hand through her messy blonde hair and pressed a kiss on her temple. "Eventually."
He held her like that until they decided to go to bed at eleven o'clock. Joey lifted her into his arms and carried Phoebe upstairs. Any other time, she'd be swooning, giggling and kissing him. But tonight, she cuddled into his chest and fell asleep right there. They went to sleep in each others arms and woke up the same way. Lily came running through into their bedroom, bouncing on her parents. Although she was aware something wasn't right, she didn't quite know what yet and was determined to find out. She was the smartest four-year-old you'd ever meet and she had a knack at finding things she wasn't supposed to know out. With the closeness of the Bing, Gellers and Tribbianis, it wasn't hard to find these things out.
"Mommy, Daddy, wake up!" She'd yelled, jumping up and down. Joey dragged himself out of the bed and carried Lily through to the living room.
"Baby, listen...you can't bother Mommy, okay? You might not know it, but she's sensitive and...well, there's something going on."
"With Aunt Moni." That's what she called her because she couldn't pronounce Monica.
"Yeah...yeah, with Aunt Moni. She's an angel now, and Mommy's very sad. Moni isn't coming back, Lil'. And well...Mommy isn't doing so great."
"Aunt Moni no love us no more?" The child questioned, eyes widened. She may be smart, but hearing that her beloved Aunt Moni wasn't coming back killed her inside.
"No, no, baby. God, no. Moni loves us very, very much. That's why she's an angel now, so she can look over us. Tonight, when its dark out, how about we look at the stars and you point the brightest star out to me, yeah? Because that's Moni. And if you wave at her, maybe she'll see and wave back. But you won't see that part, unless you're very lucky." He explained. The small child had tears running down her cheeks but a brave smile was on her face. Joey enveloped his daughter in a hug until there was a cry from upstairs.
"That's Joey." Lily pointed out.
"Yeah. Wanna help feed him?" She nodded so they went upstairs to feed the baby together.
-xxx-
Phoebe nibbled at the large slice of pizza that sat in front of her. A worried Rachel sat across from her. "I don't want to do this anymore."
"What, Pheebs? Do what anymore?"
"Life." She answered simply. "It's not fair that Monica's gone and I amen't. Every day, I think what it would be like if I was gone. How painless it would be. But theres one thing stopping me."
"What?" Rachel asked, gripping Phoebe's hand tightly.
"My babies. Because I know what its like to grow up knowing your mom killed herself and I know what the constant thought of, 'was I not good enough for her to stay here?' is like, Rach. I know how fucking awful it is knowing that your mom left you. And then there's Joey. He has to deal with Monica dying and then a dead wife? Man, that would be so...and then there's you guys. Ross lost his little sister, you lost your best friend and Chandler lost his wife. Adding me dying to the equation, it wouldn't make things at all easier. But the difference between me and Monica's deaths would be mines would be by choice and hers wasn't. It there was any way that I could do this and have it be painless for the others around me, I'd do it. I'd do it in a heartbeat, Rach. And the worst part is, I know the shit I'd put you guys through, I know the trauma I'd put my children through but I'm still considering doing it. I could make it painless, too. I could take pills, that wouldn't hurt. It wouldn't be like hanging myself. Or I could jump. I could jump off of the Brooklyn bridge. If I took pills, it would be peaceful. You could tell the kids that I was sleeping. But I know how much it would wreck your lives if I did commit suicide. Because you're dealing with Monica. And I don't want to hurt you guys, believe me, but I just...I can't do it anymore. So I'll talk to Lily about angels, and I'll tell Joey I'm sorry. I'll tell him how much I love him and I'll tell everyone else I'm sorry. And Rach, if I don't see you again-" Rachel cut her off.
"Don't say that. Don't ever say that, Phoebe." She said between sobs.
"If I don't see you again, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much, Rachel. You're the best friend I ever had. I'll tell Monica you said hi."
"Phoebe, please..." Rachel pleaded.
"I'm sorry. Tomorrow, I'll be gone. But, Rach...I'll always love you. Tell Emma and the twins I love 'em, will you? I can't do it."
"Phoebe, no." But she was already heading for the door. "Phoebe, I-I...I love you!"
Phoebe paused and turned around. "Love you too. See you up there one day."
-xxx-
Phoebe looked down at the bottle of pills, the bottle of whisky and the pen and paper. She grabbed the key to the spare bedroom and exited, tucking it in her pocket. Now was the time to talk to Lily about angels. "Lily?" She called out.
"Yes, Mommy?" The blonde little girl asked, exiting her bedroom.
"Can we talk, sweetie?" She nodded and followed her mother into the kitchen. Phoebe fixed her a glass of orange juice and some cookies. Lily smiled happily and munched on her snack.
"What's wrong, Mommy?" She said it with concern, keeping in mind the words her father had said that very morning.
"I want to talk to you about angels."
"I already know about angels, Mommy." She said as she drank the last of her drink and ate the last bite of her cookie. She fiddled with the kitchen stool she was on, going up and down.
"You-you do? How?" Phoebe questioned.
"Daddy told me this morning. He said that Aunt Moni loved us very, very much and she became an angel because she wanted to look after us. She'll always love us, no matter what, but...she's not coming back. Me and Daddy are waving at her tonight. And even if we can't see her, she's waving back at us. And she's happy."
Phoebe nodded. "Okay, sweetie. Well, you know I love you, right? So, so much. You're everything to me, you, your daddy and your brother. I'll always love you, no matter what happens." Lily nodded and attacked her mom with a hug. "I'm sorry." She mumbled into the four-year-olds hair.
She then went to the living room where Joey Jr. Jr. was crawling around. She lifted him over to the sofa and placed him on her lap. "Hey, baby. Its Mommy here. You probably know that by now. Tonight, I'm going to be gone but...I love you so much. I already talked to your big sister and she knows how much I love her. I have to talk to your daddy and your aunts and uncles. I'm going to live with Aunt Moni. I'll be happy there, and I'll still remember you guys. Never forget me, please. I love you. I'm so, so, so sorry baby. Never have a doubt in your mind I love you, please, because I do. Its just too much for me. Hey, before I go, say momma."
"Momma." He repeated, grinning.
"I love you." She said, kissing her son and giving him a cuddle.
"Love you momma." She felt her lips twitch into a small smile; the first one since Monica's death.
"Love you too, baby."
"Joey!" Her husband was at her aid automatically, saluting.
"At your service." She giggled softly and then her looked turned serious.
"I want you to know how much I love you. So, so, so much. And I'm sorry. Thanks for teaching Lily about angels, by the way."
"How do you know about that?"
"She told me."
"Oh, okay. What are you sorry for, babe?"
"You'll see." Phoebe answered quietly. She kissed him softly and buried her face in his neck. "I love you so much, Tribbiani."
"I love you too, Buffay." He was scared at what she meant; terrified of what would happen.
A knock at the door came and they saw Rachel. "Pheebs, can we...can we talk?" Phoebe reluctantly followed her friend outside.
"Yeah?"
"Did you talk to them?" Rachel asked.
"Yeah. Even Joey Jr. Jr."
"Okay. I love you so fucking much, Phoebe Buffay. Don't you ever forget it. Tell Mon I said hi. Look, Chandler and Ross are in the car. You should...you should talk to them." She suggested softly.
Phoebe nodded and walked to the car. "I love you guys so much. I'm sorry."
"What for?" Chandler asked.
"You'll see. I'm really, really sorry."
-xxx-
There she was. In the guest bedroom with the pen in her hand. She had written most of the letter, she'd wrote everyone a very detailed paragraph on why she did it and how much she loved them. Finally she was on her last paragraph.
'There are so many reasons that I did this, but I want you to know that it was nothing to do with you guys. I've been depressed for a while, but I only realised it when Monica died. I'm going to go and see her, and I'll tell her about how much you miss her. I'm sure she feels the same way. The kids won't understand; none of you will. I talked to Joey Jr. Jr. and Lily. Somebody tell Ursula that I'm sorry for everything I did. Tell Emma and the twins I love them. I love you all.
I'm sorry.
Love,
Pheebs.'
After that, she poured about forty-five pills into her hand and then downed them with a gulp of whisky. It burned her throat and hurt like hell, but it was working. She then tipped more than fifty pills into her mouth and swallowed them with a drink. By the time she'd shoveleved the last handful into her mouth, she was already gone.
-xxx-
And that night Joey and Lily did look at the biggest star, but this time they weren't only waving at their Aunt Moni, but at Mommy too.