Title: Saying I Love You

Author: Katana96

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Alias, Life with Brian or Fight Club.

Distribution: Fanfiction.net, SD-1, Sarkgasm and Cover Me. Anyone else, please ask.

A/N: This was written for both the February Challenge and the Sarkney Challenge at SD-1.  The Monty Python quote is "Life is full of s**t when you look at it," from "Life with Brian."  Bolded quote is from "Fight Club."

Thank you: Huge thanks to my betas Tim & Becca for reading draft after draft of this as I tried different things with this piece.  Thanks also to Sam for your suggestions on how to write Sydney better.

Dedication: This piece is dedicated to my Sark-loving friend Becca. Thank you for encouraging me to write more every day. It really means a lot to me.

Spoilers: End of Season 2, some bits from Season 3.

Timeline: This piece is AU in that shortly after Syd's disappearance Sark has escaped from CIA custody.  Julia Thorne does not exist.  This piece is set after Syd has woken up in Hong Kong with no memory of the last two years, most of which she spent with Sark.

Much unhappiness has come into this world because of things left unsaid.  I finally decided to tell her how I feel about her but now she's gone and I may never have that chance.

Julian sank back into his leather desk chair; he crossed his feet at the ankles and propped them up on his desk as he stared blankly at the tissue box on the table across the room.  I can't believe she's gone, that she doesn't remember anything about the last year and a half that we shared with each other. When Alex contacted me and told me that she had been found in Hong Kong, physically fine, but unable to remember the last two years of her life, I didn't believe it. But after looking over the surveillance I have of her the past few weeks, I know it's true.

Frustrated, Julian sighed in resignation as he ran his hands through his tousled hair. I knew I shouldn't have let her go out to that spa alone, but I thought it would make it easier for me to finish the preparations for the scavenger hunt I had planned for her. Life is full of s**t when you look at it. I finally had the woman of my dreams but she slipped through my fingers and now she's gone.  If I had known that things would turn out this way, I would never have let her out of my sight for even a second.  Now she's back to pining for that wrinkly-faced former handler of hers and she's forgotten that I've been anything other than her nemesis.  "Sydney, Michael Vaughn was just a little boy who was never good enough for you," Julian mumbled sadly.

Julian closed his eyes tightly and clenched his hands into fists, fighting back the tears that were threatening to stream down his face.  When he had finally regained his composure, he deftly opened a hidden compartment in his desk and pulled out a small black velvet box.  He slowly pried it open and gently removed the ring nestled inside.  The platinum band was carved in the traditional Irish claddagh style of two hands cradling a crowned-heart, the heart a striking ruby surrounded by brilliant round-cut diamonds.  He had the ring specially made for Sydney as a symbol of his love for her.  He chose the diamonds surrounding the heart to represent the icy fortress he had built around his heart to keep himself from feeling.  The enclosed ruby signified how Sydney had shattered the walls around his heart and ignited in him the passion that was the core of their relationship.  The claddagh design also represented his Irish roots, the foundation of his being. 

But now she's gone, and I don't know if I'll ever get her back.  Julian sighed as he remembered the argument with Sydney that had ultimately caused him to commission the ring he now held in his hand. 

~FLASHBACK~

Julian grinned as he thought of the way Sydney had snuggled close to him underneath the fleece blanket they were sharing.  The navy color of the blanket nicely complemented the light blue walls of the den.  The couch they were sitting on was one of the few pieces of furniture in the room, all of which were made of the same cream-colored leather and arranged in front of the plasma screen television, on which the couple was currently watching "Fight Club."

 I can't remember ever being so content to merely be in the same room as another person.  But that night, holding Sydney in my arms, my life seemed complete. 

 
You f**k me, then snub me.  You love me, you hate me.  You show me your sensitive side, then you turn into a total a*****e!  Is that a pretty accurate description of our relationship, Tyler?

I was half asleep when Sydney sat up, removing her head from its resting place on my chest, and nervously tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as her eyes bored into mine.  She tentatively asked me, "Julian, do you love me?"

I was rather surprised when she had asked me that.  I tried my hardest to show her how I felt about her every day and I thought she understood how strongly I cared for her.  She seemed to need the verbal reassurance so I quickly responded with "Of course love, you know I do." 

When I saw her frown, I knew that I hadn't said what she wanted to hear.  "I want to hear you say it Julian."

S**t, she wants me to tell her I love her?  I've never said that to anyone before.  I locked eyes with Sydney and attempted to smile reassuringly at her, trying to ease her fears with just a glance.  "Sydney, I-iii-iii…"

"You what, Julian?"

"I-i-i----i."  I wanted so badly to say those words to her, but for some reason I just couldn't.  When Sydney began to weep beside me, I felt like a monster because I was hurting someone I cared for very deeply. 

The pain in her voice mirrored that in her eyes when she asked me, "Why can't you say it, Julian?  Why can't you tell me that you love me?" 

I sighed and closed my eyes, running a hand through my hair in frustration.  Why couldn't I tell her?  Even I don't know the answer to that question.  When I reopened my eyes and saw the tears flooding down her face, my heart was overwhelmed with compassion for her.  Trying to reassure her, I gently wiped away her tears as they fell.  I knew that she didn't want to look at me right then, so I lightly cupped her face and forced her to look at me.  Knowing that it was the only way she would believe what I had to say, I never broke eye contact with her teary eyes as I tried to convince her that my feelings for her were real. 

"Sydney, you know I care deeply about you, that I have shared more of myself with you than any other person my entire life.  This is all so new for me and I'm sorry if I can't say the words that you want to hear." 

I thought that what I said would calm her down, but after hearing my admission, Sydney began to cry again.  I couldn't think of anything else to say that would make her feel better so I pulled her closer to me, offering her comfort in my arms and kissing away her tears, trying to show her with my actions what I was unable to say aloud.  When her sobbing had subsided, Sydney looked up and gave me a tentative smile of thanks.  Seeing her smile, I thought everything had been cleared up.  Boy was I mistaken.

I smiled back and whispered "Anytime, love," and kissed her lightly on the lips.  I was extremely surprised when Sydney suddenly wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me closer as she deepened the kiss.  Even more puzzling was when just as suddenly, she pulled away, extracting herself from my embrace and resettling herself as far away from me as she could get while still remaining on the couch.

I was so shocked, I was unable to do anything but stare at her.  I took special care to make my confusion obvious to her.  She looked at me with sad eyes and sprang up off the couch, briskly walking down the hall towards our bedroom.  Still dumbfounded at what had just happened, I jumped off the couch and chased after her. 

When Sark caught up to Sydney, he grabbed her wrist and roughly turned her around to face him, determined to find out what had made her so angry.

"What the hell just happened?"

Ignoring the question, Sydney turned around, tearing her arm from Sark's grasp, and continued to storm angrily down the hall.  Enraged, Sark chased after her again.  When he caught her the second time, it was obvious that she would try to run away again, so when he grabbed her arm, he used her momentum to pull her towards him, and trapped her against the wall with his body, pinning both of her arms over her head. 

"Would you like to explain what is going on here Sydney?"

She glared at Sark in fiery defiance as she squirmed underneath his body, trying to free herself. 

"Why do you have to be such a cold, unfeeling bastard?" she screamed as she wrestled an arm free and her fist connected with Sark's jaw.

Growling in pain, Sark recaptured the arm and held Sydney even tighter against the wall. "I'm sick of this f*****g game, Sydney.  Tell me why you're acting this way."

"Because you're an emotionless jerk that's incapable of caring about anyone else!"  Sydney continued to give Sark an angry look as tears began to slowly stream down her face.

"Is that what this is about?  Dammit, Sydney, they're just words!  I've spent the past year showing you how much I care for you!  Or have you forgotten all of that already?  Have you forgotten the blissful week we spent at Negril Beach in Jamaica?  Have you forgotten the romantic picnic we had in London's Hyde Park?  Have you forgotten the time we got snowed into a cabin in the Swiss Alps and made love all day?  You told me once that when you're with me you are happier than you've ever been with anyone else your entire life.  Well, that was obviously a lie and I'm a bloody fool for having believed it even for an instant."

Sark threw her another icy glare, then released her hands, stormed down the hall to the study and locked the door.

~End Flashback~

Julian placed the ring down on his desk and picked up the stack of tiny envelopes that were hiding in the hidden compartment with the ring.  The matching envelopes were cream, with gold trim on the flaps, and each contained a clue for the scavenger hunt he had prepared for Sydney.  He rifled through them until he got to the very last one, which he neatly opened before he pulled out the enclosed card.

Sydney,

Ever since that night when I couldn't say those three words you wanted to hear, I've wanted to give you something that would symbolize the depth of what I feel for you so that anytime you doubted the sincerity of my feelings, you could look at it and remember that I truly and deeply care about you.  I had this ring specially made for you; it symbolizes everything I feel for you.  The design is that of a traditional Irish claddagh ring.  According to Irish legend, the heart and hands symbolize the giving of one's heart as both friend and lover while the crown represents unwavering loyalty.  Traditionally, the ring also indicates different things about the wearer's marital status, depending on where the ring is worn.  Wearing the ring on the right hand with the heart pointing outwards signifies that the wearer's heart is uncommitted. If the ring is worn on the right hand with the heart pointing inward, it means that the wearer's heart is taken. Wearing the ring on the left hand with the heart pointing inward means 'Let Love and Friendship reign forever, never to be separated.'  I'm waiting for you on the terrace. I hope you'll be wearing the ring.

~ Julian

Julian put the card back in its envelope and placed the pile of cream envelopes back in their place in the hidden compartment of his desk.  He then lovingly picked the ring up from its resting place on his desk and examined it one last time before placing it back into its box.  Julian sighed heavily as a single tear fell, leaving a salty trail down the left side of his face in its wake.  After placing the box back in its hiding place, he closed up the hidden compartment once more.  The sound of the metal latch clicking back into place echoed loudly and ominously throughout the room.  Julian got up and swiftly walked across the room, stubbornly refusing to shed any more of the tears that were seeking release.  When he reached the door, Julian turned around and whispered faintly, almost inaudibly to the empty room, "I can't keep it a secret any longer.  I love you Sydney Bristow and I'll never love anyone else the way I love you."  The sound of the heavy wooden door closing reverberated down the corridor.  After reactivating the study's alarms, Sark strode purposefully down the hall, no sign of tears on his expressionless face.

A/N: Here's what the ring looks like: picture the ruby ring with a platinum band and that's what I was going for. It's not the aquamarine stone.

A/N #2: The timeline discrepancy between one year and year and a half is intentional.
A/N #3: PLEASE REVIEW!!!! I LIKE FEEDBACK!