Hello everyone!

Here comes a little One-shot for you :-) Read the description for the warnings, please!

Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. I don't own anything, except the "plot" of this ff!

What else? Hm ... oh yes! - Don't hate me for this.

Edward realised he needed to hunt. He was so very thirsty – it felt like he hadn't fed in ages! He really should get himself a pocket calendar so he would know when he had hunted for the last time, because he had obviously forgot.

Getting up from the recliner in his room, he stretched out before checking his reflection in the mirror hanging on the inside of his walking-in closet. Yes, he looked good. His hair was tousled in this sexy way no girl would ever be able to resist, his face showing youth as well as wisdom of the many years he had already lived on this planet.

A sexy, lop-sided smirk appeared on his lips and he opened the upper buttons of his shirt to get a look at his smooth marble chest. The sight was just too tempting, and he couldn't restrain himself any longer. He lifted his hand up to his throat, then let it slide down ... over his collar bone, all the way down to his small, sensitive nipples ...

He shuddered when his fingernails grazed the little buds, and a low purr build up in his chest – a purr that quickly turned into a wince of pain.

His throat was raw, he needed to hunt. Closing the buttons of his shirt again and tousling his hair to make them look perfectly imperfect, he then stepped back from the closet and looked around his room.

Hm, maybe a little more hairspray. Sure, he would only be going to the forest, but looking good made him feel good.

He found the can and sprayed like there was no tomorrow – the more he used, the better he looked. And boy, did he look fine … yeah, baby.

When the white-hot pain in his throat flared once again, he placed the can onto the sideboard, then put on some shoes and opened the big glass doors of his room.

He stepped onto the balcony, then jumped right into a tree that hung over the river which parted their grounds from the thick forest. Landing gracefully on the grass on the other side, he immediately took off into the forest in search of some mountain lions that would provide him with delicious blood to quench his torturous thirst.

For half an hour he scanned the area, sniffing the air and looking around in search of a trace of these wonderfully feisty and delicious creatures. But alas, he had no luck.

That was infuriating and he stomped his foot angrily on the ground. He wanted mountain lion! Nothing else! How could that happen to him in a situation like this? Unbelievable!

But there was no use in spending even more time looking for them … they were gone. Probably all drained by Emmett or Rose. Grr, Rose … she ruined everything, all the time! He was close to dying of thirst and she drank the last mountain lion, argh!

Next on his list was caribou. They weren't as tasty, but they would have to do. Besides, chasing them was also a lot of fun.

Running at full speed and only rarely sniffing the air for a trace of them (because it felt like someone was shoving a bunch of razor blades down his throat), he stopped and looked around. Where the heck were they? He needed to feed!

Is this some kind of joke?

And much to his chagrin he couldn't find any deer either.

What was he supposed to do now? Feed off humans? No, his eyes would turn bright red – not very attractive and sexy. He couldn't do that, no way.

He just stood there, feeling utterly forlorn.

This excruciating thirst he was experiencing … he had half a mind to call Esme and ask her if she could help him hunt. He couldn't find a single animal, maybe she had more luck and would provide him with the blood he so desperately needed. It was her duty, after all. She was his mother and needed to feed him!

Groaning, he turned around and strolled in between the trees, feeling whiny and thirsty at the same time. If only the sun were shining, then he would at least sparkle like a million tiny diamonds. The pretty skin of a damnable monster … but sparkling always cheered him up a little and he would love to sparkle at the moment.

Then, just like that, he caught a whiff of blood. The scent got heavier the closer he got to the source of it, but the sweet blood smell was somehow tainted. Tainted by something even sweeter, but also kind of foul.

And then he saw it.

A dead person. A dead person was lying there on the forest floor between ferns and bushes. He did not know how the slightly silly-looking hiker got into this area and how exactly she had died, but – she was lying there. Edward had half a mind to go dig through the girl's pockets to find out who she was or at least call the police and inform them of his find, but then he realised that his thirst was stronger than his curiosity.

Still, he couldn't help but wonder ... What must have happened to her? Maybe she was really clumsy, tripped over a root and broke her neck when she fell to the forest floor. No clue.

But when he got closer and pushed her dark brown hair away from her face with a long stick he had picked up from the ground, he saw a wound on the side of her face. Immediately he dropped the stick as a thought struck him. Maybe she got attacked by a … mountain lion?

And suddenly the temptation kicked in … he absolutely loved mountain lions … and if mountain lions had fed of this human … then maybe he should do that, too?

Carlisle wouldn't even have a problem with it, he figured, because the person was already dead. He wasn't to blame. And feeding off someone he hadn't killed didn't make him a killer, right?

He took another step toward her in order to take a closer look at her. The skin was discoloured, the open mouth of the girl was filled with some kind of bloody fluid and reeked horribly. Well, horribly for a human, but since he was dead himself, the sweet smell of death did not affect him all that much.

The blood in her vessels had already settled, no doubt … but he could still suck it out. He bent down and lifted her arm, immediately latching onto a wound around her wrist.

Oh, her blood … it was thick and dark, but still so much tastier than animal blood could ever be. Pure bliss … he dragged the sharp fingernail of his right index finger from her wrist to the crook of her arm, cutting the skin open and revealing the blood within the vein underneath. He licked and lapped at the old blood, enjoying the sweet, yet slightly foul flavour and feeling the terrible burning in his throat fade.

Carlisle would be so proud of him … he hadn't found anything to feed off, and now he had hit the jackpot. A dead person … this was a better way to quench their kind of thirst instead of hunting animals and draining them! This was genius! And he had made that discovery, yes! Rose could only dream about being as smart as he was!

He continued to maul the corpse, trying to drink as much as he could. It was wonderful to feel his throat being completely free of pain for the first time in eighty years.

When he stood up from the ground, utterly satisfied and full, he felt a little bit dizzy for a moment. Must be the bliss of having fed decently, he figured.

He quickly lifted up a huge boulder and covered the corpse with it. Nobody would ever find Miss Nobody, he had made sure of that now.

Then he headed back home, a skip in his step from the happiness that surged through him. So this day had been perfect after all and he would be able to enjoy his life from now on.

No more pain …

He entered the house through the front door. The warm scent of his family and especially his mother hung in the air, and he could hear crackling of fire. So she had decided to use the fireplace once more.

She had told him something about guests she was expecting the next day and since they never felt the need to heat the house, she was now trying to warm it up a little so her guests would feel comfortable in their cold castle. It didn't surprise him much to find a little note from her, telling him she would be back soon because she had needed to go to the supermarket to purchase human food. He didn't like supermarkets much, so it was all right for him to stay here on his own and wait for his family to come home.

He walked into the living room and felt the wonderful warmness that filled the room. Yes, he would sit down by the fire and read. It looked so cosy and perfect … he almost felt human again.

He selected a book from one of the shelves – his favourite, The Very Hungry Caterpillar – and then let himself fall backwards into the overstuffed armchair, the one that was closest to the fireplace. He felt the warmth of the fire on his face, his hands, it seeped through his clothes … wonderful.

He sat there for a while, enjoying the book he had read so many times already, when suddenly a weird grumbling sound disturbed the peaceful silence.

Now that was peculiar … he was alone. Completely alone!

He heard the grumbling again.

Looking around the room, he was unable to make out where it was coming from. It seemed to be close, but he was sure he hadn't mistaken the crackling of the fire for grumbling - heck, he wasn't crazy.

When he heard it again, louder this time, he realised that he was the source ... his stomach was making noises.

That was impossible … his body wasn't capable of making abdominal sounds, because he didn't have a human digestion! His stomach didn't growl when he was hungry, he didn't have bowel movement – nothing of that sort! That was for living creatures, not vampires!

Now a weird sensation in his stomach joined in … it was like a tugging … or something. It moved … he was frozen in shock.

Something was moving and … maybe growing, he wasn't sure. It really started to freak him out and just as he made to get up from his chair to grab his phone and give Carlisle a call, a sound like thunder filled the room, accompanied by a foul smell.

Did he just fart?

Oh no, no, no ... vampires did not experience flatulence! Their bodies were incapable of doing something like that!

And then he didn't feel too good anymore. His stomach hurt and he stood up, the open book falling to the ground as he did so.

Doubling over as if punched, he clutched his stomach, hoping the sudden pain would subside. This didn't make any sense … he had never experienced anything like it before. This churning, the tugging, the cramping … that was just not possible.

He groaned as another cramp tightened his stomach, and then he realised that his jeans were too tight, making the pain worse. Taking them off would take the pressure off his poor belly, he was sure of it.

And since he was all alone, he could just let them drop here in the living room. He didn't trust himself to move much now and his room was so very far away.

It did feel a little better when he opened the button fly of his jeans and pushed them down to his knees, then wriggled his bum a bit so they would fall down to his ankles. But unfortunately he did not manage to kick off his shoes and then step out of the restricting trousers - he could barely move.

Another cramp seized him and he had to grasp the nearby mantelpiece to steady himself. This was some intense pain, he had no idea what could have possibly caused this. It was horrible.

Now even the waistband of his boxers felt too tight to be comfortable. His stomach was bloated and hard, and it was getting worse by the second, even though now and then he felt (and smelled) gas leave his body through the hole in his bottom. Huge amounts of gas - it was like he was having a steam loco in his butt!

Another wave of pain caused him to double over and tears shot to his eyes while he gulped for air in hopes he could breathe the pain away. But it didn't work, and so he decided to get rid of his boxers as well. If anyone would walk in on him with his jeans and boxers dangling around his knees, they would know that he was sick and needed help - this was a freaking emergency! Heck, his ass was about to explode! Someone needed to call Carlisle, but he didn't feel capable of hobbling over to the coffee table to retrieve his phone. He really couldn't move right now.

Standing bare-bottomed in their spacious living room felt a little weird, but his mind was preoccupied with the abdominal pain to feel the embarrassment of being naked from the waist down and someone could see and ... well, smell him. He was basically standing in a cloud of stink and he could even taste it.

Another incredibly loud cracking noise filled the air and he felt a huge gas bubble exit his body. He was still in pain, but that fart had actually felt pretty good.

It felt good for about half a second before everything got much worse than before.

He howled as he registered a burning sensation creep past his buttocks … and now his insides felt like they were on fire. A second passed and he realised that they were indeed on fire, and so he immediately turned away from the fireplace in an attempt to get away from the source that had caused this new kind of torture. He smelled that it wasn't just his insides, but his body hair and shirt as well. It spread so fast that when he managed to rip his shirt off, his skin was burning everywhere and he couldn't form a single coherent thought.

With his pants around his ankles, he stumbled to the floor, and then even the brand-new carpet was on fire. He blew and slapped at it, but it was no use.

His eyes bulged when his stomach suddenly bloated even more and the last thing he perceived was another thunderous crack of a fart.

"What happened to my living room? Oh no!" Esme cried as she entered the room, waving her hand in front of her face to be able to look through the thick smoke.

The others looked around the foyer. The smoke was so thick and it was so hot in the house that they could barely stand it. Fire was very dangerous for vampires, and they urged Esme to leave the house with them again.

Someone had clearly set their living room on fire and they needed to act now because it was spreading so quickly - they had actually planned on living here for a little longer.

Emmett and Rose grabbed fire extinguishers from the kitchen and the garage, and started to put out the flames like the fire wasn't that big of a deal.

Jasper went to fetch the one from Emmett's car and joined in. Together they managed to get the fire under control pretty quickly, and in the end everything was covered in white powder and smoke, but at least nothing was burning anymore.

"Phew," Emmett breathed and ran the back of his hand across his forehead. "luckily no one got hurt, huh?"

Esme just gaped at him, then slowly lifted one hand and pointed at something lying on the scorched carpet behind the couch. Purple smoke was rising from the severed hand lying there, and Emmett quickly used the extinguisher so it would stop smoking. Screaming 'Die! Die!' while doing so earned him a fierce look from his mother, but he was actually very proud of himself for saving their house.

He grinned at his mother when he was done, and she gasped again when the fingers of the hand twitched.

"That's Edward!" she screamed and fell to her knees in front of the last remnant of her son, making the girls turn around to look at her with wide eyes. They were currently busy opening the windows so the smoke could stream out, but their mother's exclamation had definitely made them gasp.

"Sweet! We've got ourselves a Thing!" Emmett whooped.

Esme scowled at him, and he immediately shut up and gave her an apologetic smile.

She turned back around and focussed on the twitching hand lying on the floor.

Slowly reaching out, she suddenly slapped the back of Edward's hand, making it twitch again. "That happens when you play with fire, young man! Look at what you've done to my living room! Just you wait until your father gets home." she yelled at Edward ... 's hand.

"You'll stay here and don't move." Then she straightened up again and let out a huff before she headed for the foyer. "Children, we need to go get new furniture, come," she said.

They didn't immediately follow after her, so she took a few steps back and clapped her hands while calling, "Chop-chop!"

"Emmett," Rosalie said with a chuckle and leaned back into the soft pillows on their bed, "Esme would never act like that."

"Set her living room on fire and see how she would react," he retorted and grinned at his lovely wife, who finally seemed to relax a bit. That's what his story was supposed to achieve - making Rose smile ... and maybe even laugh.

"And we are not the Addam's family," she added.

"Yeah," he sighed sadly. "Too bad that we aren't."

She snorted and shook her head, before looking up at him through a curtain of her blond hair. "Hey, Em ..."

"Yes, Rosie?"

"Promise me something."

Nodding his head and scooting closer to her, he took her hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Anything, babe."

A smirk spread across her face and she said, "Never feed off a corpse and then fart while standing next to a fire, please. You're smarter than Edward."

He let out a laugh and lay down next to her when they suddenly heard angry stomping of feet coming from Edward's room right above theirs.

"I promise, babe," he replied and grinned at her when Edward stomped again.

Just a little bit of silliness! Emmett was desperate to cheer Rose up, and he thought she might enjoy a little story ;-)

Thanks for reading!