Stuck

by BrittanaxLove

You spot her right away and you ponder if it's creepy or not to sit down next to her even though there are other seats that aren't taken yet. But when she looks up at you and smiles, you decide that it isn't creepy at all. ONE-SHOT.

Hi. So, this is a one-shot I wrote.

Hope you like!

I

Sometimes you look into the mirror and watch your reflection. You look into your eyes and you watch closely to see if you can tell. You want to know if it's evident in your eyes. Eventually you have to look away because it gets too much. It's like you can see all the hurt and all the sadness pouring out of you. You see tired eyes and a lifeless gaze and you just can't keep watching yourself falling apart. You're breaking and each day you feel one more piece of yourself missing. It's come to the point where you can't take it any longer. Before, you were always able look into the mirror for a couple of minutes before it felt overwhelming, now it only takes a glimpse. You hope you're the only one noticing your sadness. Because if other people where able to read your feeling so easily, they would know something was wrong right away.

It's like you're stuck. Like you're trapped and can't move. You've sunken into quicksand and for every second that passes, you sink deeper and deeper. You didn't feel like this a year ago. You don't really know what changed. If it was the stress and pressure of graduating high school and moving forward in life. Applying to a collage and feeling like you're starting to get older. Like you're growing up and that you're supposed to know things now. Like what you want in life and what you want to do. You should know who you are. But you don't and it freaks you out.

You're eighteen now and you're about starting collage. But you still don't know what you want. You applied last minute. You felt the panic creep up on you so you choose to study in the same city Tina will be living in. It felt safe and good and at the time it felt like the right decision.

You never really talk to anyone about your feelings. Whenever you hang out with Tina, you talk about her and Mike. Or you tell her something about Lord Tubbington. It's really your fault that you almost never talk about your life. You just never bring it up. You're sure Tina would listen if you just told her things. But you don't even know what you would tell her because there's not really a lot going on in your life. You don't have a Mike or an awesome job, like Tina has.

You want to talk to her more about how you feel, you just don't know how. And whenever you try to say something, it's like your throat closes up and you can't speak. It used to happen all the time, so after a while you just gave up. It's easier to keep it all inside. You're the only one who can judge you if you're the only one knowing about your deepest secrets. And now you're used to it, to never ask anyone else for help, and to just take care of everything yourself. It's easier that way.

Classes are starting tomorrow and you've just settled into your dorm room. You don't have a roommate yet but you're not really that excited to get one either. If you could just be able to listen to any music you want whenever, and not worry about your roommate not liking your taste in music, you'll be more than fine.

The school is very large and the building with all the dorms is big as well. You live on the sixth floor and it's even higher than that. You haven't really seen much of the rest of the building yet but you've seen all the students littering around. And they're many.

You study psychology. In high school, you had a project week once and you randomly choose to study psychology that week. You got really fascinated and when Tina informed you of a collage in her city where you can major in psychology, you thought it sounded pretty perfect.

Not because you think you'd want to work with psychology in the future, but because you'll be close to your best friend and you'll have something to do. Because staying in your hometown and watch everyone else move away, would kill you.

Tina wants to study design later, maybe in a couple of years. Right now she's got a job at Vogue and she didn't want to waste that opportunity by starting college. When she found out she got the job, you celebrated with champagne on the roof of her parents' house. You were so happy that night, because Tina had gotten what she worked so hard for. But at the same time, you felt that panicky feeling in your stomach that everyone seemed to be finding their dreams. Everyone seemed to have it all figured out. Except you.

II

You wake up with anxiety. It's your first day of school and it's like starting first grade all over again. You hate the fact that you're not as confident as you want to be. Starting college should be excited and you should feel eager to make new friends. But you'd rather hang out with Tina or stay in your dorm googling cute pictures of cats. You make yourself breakfast. Today it's a cup of coffee because you can't seem to swallow down anything else. The thought of food right now makes you nauseous.

You're ten minutes early because it's your first class and you want to make a good impression. Everyone else come strolling in a few seconds before the teacher arrives. You've already stacked your notebooks and pens on the desk in front of you and you look down at your hands as everyone saunters inside. There are a few murmurs in the classroom as students take their seats and the teacher turns on the computer before he starts introducing himself.

Ten minutes later the door opens again and a girl appears. She looks around for a moment before shooting the teacher a small apologetic smile. She struggles to close the door behind her and then takes the last empty seat.

It happens to be right next to you and you move your stuff a little to the left to give her more space on the table. Her chair scrapes against the floor and you stifle a smile by biting your lip when she curses under her breath before sitting down with a slightly panicked smile on her face.

She rifles through her bag for a few minutes before she sighs and then you hear a whisper right next to your ear. "Can I borrow a pen?"

You look up into mocha brown eyes. Her hair is black and wavy and her skin seems really smooth.

You smile as you hand her a red pen from your pencil box and she brushes her fingertips against yours as she takes it.

You pull away instantly and feel your cheeks heat up. She mutters out a 'thanks' and starts scribbling down notes on a piece of paper.

For the rest of class, you watch her lips as they move subtly every time she writes something down. Like she's memorizing every word. You find it fascinating.

Towards the end of class when the teacher asks you to partner up, you instantly feel your heart rate pick up and you close your eyes, begging this to not be real. You hate when teachers ask you to partner up when you don't know anyone in the class yet. You always had Tina in high school. Did he really have to do this on the first lesson?

"Wanna be my partner?"

You slowly flutter your eyes open and shift your head to the source of the words.

She's looking at you expectantly but at the same time like she doesn't really care. "Sure," you mumble and she purses her lips.

"Great!"

She sighs before riffling through her papers but she seems more eager to be out of this class than partner up with you.

"So, how should we start?"

You raise your eyebrows. "Start?"

"Yeah… With the project?" The girl looks at you like you should know what she's talking about.

"Project?" you ask and slowly the girl starts to smile. You realize she has a really nice smile.

"You haven't listened?" She's quirking her eyebrow and something in her eyes tells you she's teasing.

You instantly feel yourself blush and you bite your lip as you look down onto the desk. Truth is you were too caught up observing her lips to hear what the teacher was talking about. But maybe you should've. Because now you look like an idiot in front of this girl who seems really cool but at the same time ambitious.

You didn't think it was possible to be both cool and ambitious, like a cool nerd.

"Sorry," you say. You don't know why you're apologizing; you just don't know what else to say.

She breathes out a silent laugh. "That's okay. I can explain it to you."

You nod your head and thank her quietly as she looks over her notes.

"I'm Santana, by the way," she tells you offhandedly and you smile as you tell her your own name.

"I'm Brittany."

She tears her gaze from her papers to look at you. "Nice to meet you, Brittany."

III

You visit your uncle the next day. He lives nearby the college and you haven't seen your cousins in so long so you decided it was time to visit. His wife told you she'd bake cinnamon buns especially made for you if you came by, so you kind of had to anyway.

You sit down on the couch while your youngest cousin starts showing you paintings she's drawn at kindergarten. Her blonde hair is braided and she's gesturing with her small hands all over the paper to show you what everything is. Sometimes you wish you can go back. And maybe just stay there until forever and never grow up. So that you'll never feel pressured or stressed. You never got anxious as a kid; you barely knew what it meant. There were no boundaries and nobody was expecting you to be or do things. You just lived day by day and didn't care about next week or next year.

"So pretty," you tell her as she shows you a painting of a red house with a yellow sun in the top right corner. She smiles broadly at you and takes the paper from your hands before putting it back in her binder.

Your uncle slumps down in his armchair next to the couch. He's wearing a green button down shirt and a cap. He pops open a bottle of beer as he lets out a deep sigh. "So pumpkin, you have a boyfriend yet?" He takes a long sip and leans back into his chair.

You strain your lips, smile stiffly and grip your glass with lemonade tighter, "No…"

You bite your teeth together hard and he leans his head to the side and shrugs. "Oh well, you'll find a nice boy soon. Don't worry."

You try to keep smiling and your cheeks hurt but you can't let him see your inner thoughts. No one can see you breaking. You won't let them. Your nails dig into the cup firmer and you shift your leg and cross your left over your right.

"Yeah," you mumble and he smiles kindly at you.

"You don't have to hurry," he tells you. Then he smiles broadly and chuckles before he sings quietly, "You can't hurry love."

You eat the cinnamon buns and make a promise to come visit again soon, before you take the bus back to the college. You try to stop the tears from falling while you're leaning against the cold window as you watch the landscape passing by. You don't really know why you feel like crying, but you can't seem to swallow down the sadness anymore.

When you get home later in the afternoon, Tina calls you and begs you to come to some coffee shop down the block.

She doesn't live far away; it only takes a couple of minutes for you to walk to her apartment.

When you've agreed to go and you've ordered your take-away coffee, you decide to take a walk in the park since the weather is still so nice. You have to take full advantage of it before the fall starts to sneak its darkness into your souls.

You're walking next to Tina and she keeps telling you about the dance studio Mike just started working at but your thoughts are everywhere but on Mike.

You can't help it. You want to listen and tell her to say hi to Mike from you. But you can't. Your mind keeps spinning and the only thing you can think about is that this is the perfect moment. As perfect as it'll ever be.

You think you've decided. You're going to do it. It's now or never. If you pass up on this opportunity, you'll never do it. And you'll be stuck again and then you'll be stuck forever. What makes you think about doing it, you don't know. Maybe it's just come to that point when your cup of emotions has overflowed and you can't stand it any longer. You have to do something.

But only thinking about telling her is making your head spin in a nauseous way.

You feel your heart speeding up and your throat closes up right before the words leave your lips. Your head is spinning and your legs keep walking on their own. You don't know where you're going or where you are. You can't seem to think about anything else. You have a compulsive feeling in your stomach like you're about to throw up and you have to bite your tongue and take a deep breath through your nostrils. Tina keeps talking and you just want her to shut up. You just want to tell her now, you want her to know. But you can't. You just want her to read your thoughts right now because words seem to not be coming out of you.

It's like you're watching yourself from above. You don't feel your lips move, you don't feel yourself say it; you just hear the words leave your lips.

"I'm gay," you blurt.

Your heart keeps hammering inside your chest.

"– in Massachusetts..." Tina stops in her tracks, her lips parted and her brow furrowed. You don't know what she was talking about before, or what's happening in Massachusetts. You don't care. You have this weird feeling of relief and panic all at once and you still feel like you're about to throw up.

You've never said those words out loud. You've barely even thought them. You've been too scared, too panicked and when you hear yourself say the word, it feels so unrealistic and weird.

Like that's not what you are. But at the same time does it feel right, because that is what you are. You know that, deep down.

"What?" Tina has stopped completely and even though you just want to keep walking, you stop too.

You feel the constant beat of your heart and it's making it hard to breathe. It feels like your heart's taking up your entire chest and getting words out is nearly impossible.

You just nod your head hesitantly up and down. Tina's looking confused and a little shocked. You can't tell if it's a bad shocked or just a surprised shocked.

It takes a while before you see how she relaxes her brow and the wrinkles on her forehead disappear. "Are you sure?" she asks hesitantly.

You feel tears starting to burn behind your eyes again because how are you supposed to be sure? You shrug your shoulders as you bite your lip, hard.

You close your eyes because you can't cry. You don't want to. But you're body seems to have other plans because you feel how something wet escapes and falls down your cheek.

Suddenly you feel arms wraps around your shoulders and you let out a whimper before burying your face into her neck.

"Oh, honey," she coos and you feel how she tightens the grip around you. "It's okay," she whispers. Your tears start to fall harder.

You're crying now and every time you try to stop and compose yourself, the tears start streaming faster down your cheeks.

"I just don't want to be different," you mumble as your face is still buried in the warmth of her neck. "I want to be normal like you."

Tina lets out what you think sounds like a gasp and then tightens her arms around you.

"Honey, you are normal." She pushes you away with her hands on your shoulders to look into your eyes.

You can see that she's shocked and on the verge of tears too. Her eyes are blank and you feel bad for making her feel sad too.

She touches your cheek and you look into her eyes. She stares intently into your eyes as she says, "Britt, I need you to understand that there's nothing wrong with you." You gulp as she keeps tugging at your shoulders to keep you looking at her. "There's nothing different between you and me only because you're attracted to girls and I'm attracted to boys."

You nod your head, but you're not sure you agree.

"I love you, I will always love you and nothing's changed. I look at you the same way I did five minutes ago. You're brave and special and don't ever doubt your awesomeness. I'm here for you, always. Never doubt my love, either."

You want to thank her for being so kind and nice but you don't know how so you just pull her into a hug and squeeze her tightly.

"You are normal, Britt," she mumbles into your ear and you flutter your eyes closed because you don't want anymore tears to fall.

Tina pulls away slightly and you look at her face. She looks confused still and you have a feeling she's still shocked. She looks worried when she asks you, "How long have you known?"

You flinch a little because you were expecting that question but you're still not ready for it. You shrug, "A while."

"How long?" she asks again and you close your eyes because looking at her while saying it, will make you feel even worse.

"Since we were fourteen," you breathe.

"Britt." She mumbles it in an exhale and it sounds like she's about to cry too. You open your eyes and her brows are furrowed and her eyes are filled with sadness and maybe… disappointment. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was scared."

She sighs. "Of course. But I could've helped you."

You shrug your shoulders and bite your lip. "I'm still scared."

"Honey, I'm here for you. I'll be here for you always. That's what best friends are for." She pinches the bridge of her nose with her thumb and pointer finger. "I thought you knew that."

You nod your head. She doesn't sound mad, she just sounds sad and you get that. You've kept a secret from her for so long and maybe she feels betrayed.

"Promise to talk to me next time, okay? Whatever it is, I'll be here for you."

You nod your head and when she hugs you again, you whisper, "Thank you," and she squeezes you tighter.

IIII

You have a dull feeling in your chest when you wake up the next day. It's like the pain in your chest is embraced by cotton and making everything less painful. Or like some of the weight that's constantly been tearing you down, has been lifted. Telling Tina was a good decision and you don't regret doing it because it was going to occur some time anyway, it was inevitable. But at the same time, you feel even sadder. Because now there's no way out. It's so much more real now when you've said it aloud. Another person, that is not you, knows about your secret now. She knows and Tina is only the beginning. You know you're going to have to tell others.

But you get a sick feeling in your stomach only thinking about telling anyone else. You know Tina reacted well but it was still terrifying. Even after you told her. Even after she held you and told you how much she still loves you. Nobody that you know will probably take offense of react badly. You know that, but it still feels so daunting.

Maybe it feels that way because you still haven't accepted yourself fully. You still don't like it. You still don't want to be gay. And just thinking the word is making the back of your eyes burn.

You know that if you were proud of whom you are, if you owned yourself, nobody would be able to break you. Because if you're sure of yourself and of who you are, no one will doubt you. But when you show weakness, others will notice it, and they'll use that against you.

No one will be able to tear you down if you're strong.

But you're not and for each day that passes, you feel weaker and weaker.

You arrive at class five minutes late because impressing the teacher doesn't seem so important anymore.

You spot her right away and you debate if it's creepy or not to sit down next to her even though there are other seats that are unoccupied.

But when she looks up and smiles at you, you decide that it isn't creepy.

So you sit down in the seat next to her and quietly put your books on the desk in front of you. You look up onto the whiteboard and you see that the teacher has already started the lecture with a few introductions of people you already know everything about. Like Freud, and Foucault.

You feel something move next to you and suddenly there's a whisper in your ear again.

"You haven't missed anything." You feel her breath against you cheek and you gulp nervously as you feel her lean even closer. "And I'm pretty sure that guy in front of us is already asleep."

You look at her and she's gesturing to a guy in the row in front of you with a red hoodie who's resting his head down on the desk. His eyes are closed and his lips are parted.

Definitely asleep.

You bite your lip to hide a chuckle and when you look back at Santana, she's smiling too.

When the lecture is over, you start to stand up as Santana's still putting everything back into her bag.

"Are you eating lunch?"

You whip your head towards her and she's smiling at you.

Then rolls her eyes with a lopsided smile, "I mean, do you wanna have lunch with me?"

You stand still for a moment, processing her words. Do you want to have lunch with her? What does that even mean? Your heart instantly picks up and you feel a warm feeling surging through your chest.

"Um…" you trail off and she keeps smiling at you and you kind of can't really think straight enough to form words.

"'Cause I'm meeting my girlfriend in like five minutes and you can totally come have lunch with us if you want," she says and your eyes widen for a split second. "She won't mind," she adds and you gulp.

You instantly feel that warmth flow through your body and disappear. You don't know why you instantly feel cold but you bite your tongue.

Santana has a girlfriend? Is she gay? Your heartbeat quickens and you get that panicky feeling again that you always get when someone mentions the word 'gay' or when you meet a person that is openly gay.

"Sure," you hear yourself say. She smiles and chirps out a 'great' before swinging her bag over her shoulder and gestures for you to lead the way out of the classroom.

You don't know why you agreed to do this. You like Santana, she seems really nice. And she's the only person who's been talking to you since you started college.

But you also feel uneasy about the whole thing because you feel like you're intruding on their lunch. You're sure Santana's girlfriend wanted to spend alone time with her. And now you're joining them without her even knowing.

"I think she wanted hamburgers. That okay?" Santana smiles and you bob your head up and down.

"Sure," you smile back because you want her to know that you appreciate this. Even if you'll be the third wheel and it'll feel weird to see her with another girl. Not because it's weird with two girls, but you just didn't really see Santana as someone who would have a girlfriend. You don't really know what you thought about Santana's sexuality before she told you she has a girlfriend, but you just weren't expecting it.

It all kind of makes you uneasy because it's always hard for you to watch two boys or two girls being open about their relationship. It makes you anxious and it makes you feel like you should be able to be that brave too. You should be able to walk hand-in-hand with a girl without feeling panicked. Hell, you should be able to think about your sexuality without feeling panicked.

You kind of feel ashamed every time someone openly tells you that they're gay or bisexual. You feel ashamed of yourself that you can't tell them you're gay too. Every time you're in a situation when you feel like you should tell them about your sexuality, you close up and nothing comes out. You're stuck.

Santana leads you to the restaurant right around the corner from campus and you sit down in the booth as she sits down on the opposite side from you.

"So, do you live in the dorms?"

You look up into her face and she's smiling that smile again. She's always smiling and you really admire that about her.

"Yeah. Sixth floor," you tell her and she raises her eyebrows. "Do you?" you ask and she nods her head.

"Same floor." She tilts her head and narrows her eyes. "What room?"

"614," you tell her and she puts her elbow on the table and then rests her chin in the palm of her hand.

"I live in 687, so in the other end of the building."

"Cool," you smile. Then you're quite for a few seconds and you pick up the napkin to have something to do.

Suddenly Santana clears her throat and raises her eyebrows, "So maybe we should study together some time, since we're taking the same class."

You don't know what to say because you're not sure if she's serious or not. But why would she say it if she didn't mean it.

"I mean, it's easier to pass the tests if you have someone to discuss everything with." She shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly and you bite your lip.

"Yeah, sure."

You bite back your smile but when Santana grins widely, you let go of your lip and smile back.

Suddenly you see someone come up behind Santana and you watch as she comes closer and closer until she's standing right behind her and looking at you quizzically. You look up at her and Santana must sense that someone is behind her because she turns away and instantly her face lights up.

"Hey babe," she chirps and when her girlfriend bends down to kiss her on the lips you have to look away. It's weird looking at other people kissing so you go back to fiddling with the napkin at the table.

"Oh, this is Brittany I told you about," she points to you and her girlfriend instantly smiles in recognition.

"Brittany! Nice to meet you." She stretches her arm out and you take her hand. "My name's Melissa."

Has Santana talked about you? You thought her girlfriend didn't know who you were. And she doesn't seem to be upset you ruined their lunch either. She actually seems kind of excited.

"Nice to meet you too," you say as you let go of her hand.

Melissa sits down next to Santana and when she places her hand in Santana's lap, you instantly feel your cheeks grow hot.

You don't know why but something about them being so open with everything makes you uncomfortable. And at the same time, you feel like maybe if you become good friends with them, you can tell them about you.

They won't react badly. And they barely know you yet so they wouldn't be upset that you didn't tell them earlier.

You think it'll be easier to come out to people you haven't known for long, than coming out to people you've known your whole life. Like Tina, that was hard. Your family will be hard. But coming out to Santana doesn't seem hard. It almost feels okay. Like maybe you can do it without making your throat close up.

"So, how was class today?" Melissa asks as she takes a sip from Santana's water. You gulp.

Santana shrugs and looks over at you. "It's only introduction so far. I already know most things the teacher's talking about."

"Same here," you say because you feel like you should say something.

"When you're listening…" Santana teases, and shoots you a wink. You feel your cheeks heat up again but not because you're uncomfortable. You smile back but bite your lip because your smile gets too wide.

"Right…" you trail off and Santana chuckles.

Melissa leaves you when lunch is over, and you and Santana walk back to campus alone. Santana gave her a kiss goodbye when she left and you had to look away again.

It's weird seeing Santana kiss another girl. It makes something flare inside of you but you don't know what. You're still a little shocked that Santana has a girlfriend. And also that she invited you to lunch, and that she talked about you with her girlfriend. And also that she said you should study together some time.

"So, I could take your number, and then we'll set up a time for a study session?" You stop right in front of the building with all the dorms and she's twinning her fingers together in front of her body as she quirks her eyebrows at you.

You smile shyly and nod you head as she fishes her phone out of her pocket. "Sure, we can do it in my dorm; I don't have a roommate yet."

She hands you her phone as she raises her eyebrows, "Oh, okay."

You put your number into her phone and at the end of your name you put a small emoji cow because it looks cute.

"Oh," you roll your eyes at yourself. "I should take your number too probably," you mumble as you hand her your own phone.

She chuckles and punches her numbers into your phone too and you look at her face while she does it. You can't help but notice how her lips move like she's saying the numbers in her head, just like she does in class when she's writing down notes.

"All done," she chirps and you take your phone back. "It was nice having lunch with you, Brittany."

Suddenly she's coming closer and you realize she's going to give you a hug. You inhale quickly as you feel her arms wrap around your shoulders and you hesitantly wrap your own arms around her waist.

"Bye," she half whispers as she pulls away and you get a whiff of her shampoo before she pulls away completely.

"You too," you say off-handedly. You smile giddily as you watch her walk away, your heart fluttering and you brain telling you over and over again that you may have gotten yourself a new friend.

IIIII

It's a week later when there's a knock on your door and Santana's standing outside with her bag slung over her shoulder. She's giving you a wink as you let her in. You've come to really enjoy her winks. It's something about those brown eyes and dark eyelashes that make something flutter inside your chest.

"You ready to study some psychology?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," you say and she chuckles.

She walks further into your dorm and looks around.

"Are we sitting by the desk?" she asks and you look at the desk before you look at the bed and then back at the desk.

It is really small and there's not much space.

"I think we can fit by the desk," you mumble as you put your two chairs close together.

"We should start with the psychology of victims and then go from there," Santana says as she places her bag on the table and sits down.

"Okay," you agree because you don't really care where you start. You kind of just wanted to hang out with Santana again.

I

It's almost an hour later when you're starting to get tired of studying. Santana keeps leaning over your papers to read your notes and you feel like you should give her your papers instead so she doesn't have to twist her body so much. But every time her shoulder touches yours, you don't really feel like moving away.

"So, peer pressure is always stronger when the group is bigger…" You hear her voice right by your ear but you keep looking down onto your notes. You don't really know how she doesn't get tired, or want to stop. She's the one who's been discussing and trying to understand everything. You're mostly just sitting there trying not to yawn. When you feel her shift in her seat and her chest lightly grazes your shoulder, you suck your lips into your mouth and inhale shakily through your nose. "What do you think about this?"

You close your eyes for a second before looking down at what she's pointing at.

"Yeah, that's… Cool."

Santana leans away for you slightly to look into your face. "Are you tired?"

You swallow thickly and try to shake away the tingles you get when she touches you. "A little," you admit and she chuckles softy.

"We can take a break if you want." She's smiling gently at you and you can't believe how nice she is all the time.

She's just so down-to-earth and happy. She seems really confident in herself. And in what she does. She's so ambitious in school and she has a wonderful girlfriend.

She doesn't seem afraid at all. You don't even know if psychology is what you want to do and she seems so interested that you're pretty sure this is what she wants. You can't even accept yourself for who you are and she has no problem kissing her girlfriend in public.

You're lost and she's so sure of everything. She has it all figured out and you have no clue.

"Do you have soda or something?" You snap out of your thoughts and narrow your eyes. "I'm kind of thirsty." Santana bites her lower lip and you quickly avert your gaze from her lips.

"S-sure," you stutter before reaching behind you to your mini-fridge. You hand her a coke and she smiles gratefully.

"Awesome, thanks!"

There's a few seconds of silence and you realize how weird it is that Santana's the only one drinking anything, so you reach behind you again and pull out one more coke.

Just as you take your first sip, she says something that makes everything almost come right out of your mouth again.

"So, did you have a boyfriend back home?"

You put your drink down on the table and cover your mouth with the back of your hand.

You swallow slowly before shaking your head uncertainly. "Um… no."

Santana nods slowly, "Girlfriend?"

Your breath hitches and you widen your eyes.

She's saying it so casual and you feel like you don't have to panic, but you do.

You can feel your heart drumming inside your chest and that feeling of panic starts rising again.

"Nope," you mumble quietly and she nods her head slowly.

Should you tell her? Now would be the perfect opportunity. You know you don't get perfect opportunities that often. You know because it took you more than four years to tell Tina and you wouldn't even call that moment perfect.

"How long have you and Melissa been together?" you ask instead and Santana purses her lips as if she has to think about it.

"Like… four months?" She counts off her fingers before nodding her head more firmly. "Four months and like… two weeks."

You bob your head up and down as you bite back more questions. You don't know what's okay to ask. You kind of want to know everything about their relationship and how she realized she was into girls.

You've never asked anyone a question like that before. You've never talked to anyone about liking girls or being gay, generally. You've avoided the subject as much as you possibly can. But with Santana, it feels more okay to talk about it. You just don't know how much she would want to share with you. It's not like you've known each other that long.

"Not so long, I know…" Santana rolls her eyes. "We met right before summer and we became girlfriends like the same night we met."

"Oh," you say because that seems very spontaneous and rushed. And your mind can't help but wonder what happened that night that made them instantly take that step. But they still seem to really like each other so you guess it worked out.

"What's the longest relationship you've ever had?"

She leans her elbow on the table as she keeps looking at your face.

You feel your hands start to sweat because this subject is making you uneasy. Not only because it's close to the thing you're constantly trying to hide, but also because your past relationships haven't been that fascinating, or long.

"Um," you gulp down your nerves before quickly saying, "Two months."

Santana smiles wider and you bite back an embarrassed smile.

"I haven't really been in a very serious relationship…" you mumble as you feel your cheeks getting redder and hotter.

"That's cool," she smiles, but you feel very far from cool.

II

You and Santana keep hanging out almost every day and you keep having study nights in your dorm room. It always ends with you sprawled out on your bed and Santana reading out loud from your notes by the desk. You've bought extra bottles of coke just for her; she drinks them like water whenever she studies. You guess the sugar rush makes her able to continue studying the way she does.

She's also started to wear her glasses whenever you study together. At first she was really shy about putting them on. And she always did it when you weren't looking. But then you told her she looked good in them and she started wearing them more often and didn't care if you saw or not when she put them on.

You've also been hanging out with Melissa a few times. She's really cool but sometimes you feel like she's too cool. Like when your older sister brought home her friends and you didn't dare say anything during dinner because you were afraid they'd laugh at you. Sometimes it feels like you have to watch what you're saying because Melissa might find you weird or awkward.

You don't know why you feel that way because you don't think Melissa would ever tell you you're weird. But it still feels like you're always holding back when you're hanging out with the both of them together.

You also feel kind of uneasy seeing Santana and Melissa together because you think you're almost starting to like Santana. You've never really liked anyone before. Sure, you've had crushes on people you had no chance with. Like Ashley, who was head cheerleader in your high school, and very gorgeous. She was the first girl you thought about, that way.

You got the same tingles thinking about her, as you get when you think about Santana sometimes. And sometimes when Santana touches your hand or when she hugs you goodbye, you feel almost dizzy with tingles and warmth.

So whenever Melissa holds her hand, you kind of wish it was your fingers intertwined with Santana's instead. You know that it is complicating things when you have these thoughts. Because you're not supposed to be feeling like this. Especially since Santana already has a girlfriend. But most of the times, you can't control it.

III

"I'm– "

You take a deep breath and slowly close your eyes.

"I need to tell you something."

It's 9.30 am in the morning and you're sitting in class. You think you've decided. You think it's time to tell her, and maybe get some more of that weight off your shoulders.

"Huh?" Santana whispers back and you swallow thickly before leaning in closer to her ear.

"I like girls." You blurt it out, all rushed and mumbled.

You close your eyes again but you don't lean away from her ear. You can feel how she starts to turn around and when you open your eyes again, her lips are directly in front of you. You quickly shift your head and sit up straighter in your chair so that you're on the same level.

You don't feel like your heart is about to burst out of your chest because of nerves. And you don't feel like you're about to throw up. It feels okay.

It feels light and easy and you wish it was this easy with everyone.

Santana only looks at you for a moment, as if checking if you're serious or not. Then she smiles, she smiles with her teeth and you exhale in relief.

She looks at you some more before she turns toward to the teacher again. A few seconds later, you feel something warm and soft touch your hand in your lap.

You gasp, because you weren't expecting it. But then she twines your fingers together and you slowly let the tingles take over your skin and you instantly feel warm and calm. You haven't felt this good in a very long time.

For the rest of the class, Santana holds your hand under the table.

And when class ends, she doesn't let go. And she drags you all the way to the bathrooms before pushing you inside and locking the door behind you.

You look at you again and you feel yourself gulp when she just keeps looking at you. Then she takes a step closer and softly envelopes you in a hug.

You wrap your arms around her shoulders and you feel how she moves her hands up and down your back, before she lets them rest at the small of your back.

You tighten your grip around her and when she starts to pull away and her cheek grazes yours, you wish she'd never let go.

She pulls away so that you're a few inches apart but her hands are still resting on your hips.

"I kind of knew it," she starts off with a lopsided smile. "I have awesome gaydar," she explains further and you nod your head slowly as you suck your lips into your mouth. "I tried to get you to say it, but you wouldn't."

You pinch your eyebrows together because you can't remember her trying to get you to say anything.

Santana rolls her eyes but smiles bashfully, "I asked you about boyfriends and girlfriends and you kind of just shock your head at both."

You feel your cheeks grow hot. You bite your lip as you hear her chuckle.

"That's great though," she says as she lets go of your hips.

You miss her hands instantly but you know it would be creepy to ask her to put them back.

"I'm kind of confused…" you admit as you scratch the back of your neck. "I mean, I'm not even sure…" you stop talking because you feel like you don't even know what you're saying.

Santana just smiles in understanding and bites her lip. "I'll help you, you know…" she says. You look down at your hands as you nod your head. "I'll help you with anything. Coming out, or, if you have any questions…"

Your mind instantly thinks she means if you have questions about girls and sex and you feel your cheeks grow extremely hot. You're pretty sure you're red as a tomato, but you just nod your head and try to not think about girls having sex.

Especially not Santana.

"You're, like, the second person I've told," you mumble quietly.

Santana bows her head a little bit and smiles, "I'm honored."

You giggle, and you feel such relief that you don't really know what to say. She's handling everything so great. You knew she would react well but not this well. And she didn't even think it was weird that you haven't told more people.

"Thank you," you mumble, gratefully. And she squeezes your hand before unlocking the door.

She looks back at you with raised eyebrows, "Lunch?"

"Definitely," you say and she winks as she holds up the door for you.

IIII

Santana follows you home when you've eaten lunch. She insisted, even though Melissa called her and asked if she wanted to hang out. She said she already had plans, and then she persuaded you to invite her in to your dorm.

"So, have you been with both girls and guys in the past?"

Your eyes widen and you almost trip over your bag as you blink slowly.

"Uh…"

"I mean, I just want to understand…" She trails off and you nod your head quickly.

You knew she wanted to talk more about this, but you're just surprised at how straight forward she was.

You take a deep breath and sit down next to her on your bed.

"I've tried it with guys; I've kissed a lot of them." You roll your eyes at yourself. "But I've never gone the whole way."

You watch her from the corner of your eye and she nods slowly. "Have you ever kissed a girl?"

You bite your lip. "No…"

"Maybe you should try," she says. "Maybe it'll make you less confused."

You shake your head, "I can't."

"Why?" she asks and you shrug your shoulder because you don't know.

You just don't like thinking about you kissing girls. It makes everything so much more real. It makes the word 'gay' so much more real. It's only been a word so far. You've only discussed you being gay with Tina and Santana. Not what it really means.

"I'd kiss you if I weren't in a relationship." You whip your head back to Santana and she's biting her lip.

You snort.

"I'm serious," she says and you don't know what to think.

Suddenly she puts her pointer finger under your chin and tilts your head towards her.

"I'd kiss you," she tells you again and as she looks into your eyes, you really feel like she means it.

You furrow your eyebrows, "Why?"

"What do you mean, why?" she asks, genuinely confused.

"I'm not even…" you trail off because you don't really know how to explain it.

Santana sighs, like she knows what you mean even though you can't explain it, and then she tilts your head even further towards her. "Brittany," she says seriously. "You're the bravest, most amazing person I've ever met."

You want to roll your eyes because when people say stuff like that, they usually don't mean it. But the way she looks into your eyes, and the way her voice is so low and serious.

"You just need to believe in yourself," she says and for each second you look into her warm brown eyes, you slowly start to believe her.

Then she smiles a small smile and her dimples show, "I swear, I'd kiss you if I weren't in a relationship."

You feel tingles at the back of your knees, and warmth low in your stomach. Something about the way she looks at you, touches your chin, and talking about kisses, makes you want her to do it so bad.

"I'll help you come out to people," she says as she lets go of your chin and you lean back a little on the bed, with your hands behind you to steady yourself.

"I appreciate that," you say, because even though you might not be ready to come out to more people right now, you know she'll be there when you are.

IIIII

You're about to surprise Santana with a visit because she forgot her books in your dorm the other day. And if you know Santana well, she must be dying of frustration, not being able to study.

So you walk down the hallway in your socks, not bothering to put shoes on because she lives on the same floor after all. You knock on the door and when nobody answers, you try to open the door. If it's locked, you know that she isn't home, but if it's unlocked, she's probably just listening to music and can't hear you.

The door opens and you slowly push it fully open so you can see if she's there.

"M-hm."

Your heart stops and your breath hitches in your throat. You're so shocked you can't even think about walking out again and closing the door.

Melissa is lying on the bed with her underwear on, and Santana is lying on top of her, dressed the same.

Santana's trailing kisses down her throat while her hand keeps moving inside Melissa's underwear.

Suddenly you realize what you're witnessing, and you take a step backwards quickly.

You close the door hastily and rush down the hallway. Your heart is leaping out of control and your breathing is labored. You're extremely embarrassed, but there's also another feeling. When you saw Santana kissing her throat like that, it was almost like you wanted to be in Melissa's place.

You dial Tina's number as soon as you get inside your dorm room and tell her you need to talk to her face to face.

You meet up with her outside of your college and as soon as you sit down on a bench underneath your favorite tree, you blurt, "I think I'm in love with Santana."

Tina raises her eyebrows and the corners of her lips twitch upwards and then she smiles giddily, "That's great!"

You furrow your eyebrows. How could that be great? How could it be great when Santana is having sex with her girlfriend in her room right now?

What makes it even worse is that you shouldn't feel this shocked. You knew Santana had a girlfriend, and she's never been anything other than a friend to you.

You shouldn't be feeling this big whole in your chest. You knew they are sleeping together, that's what girlfriends do. So why do you feel so betrayed?

"No, that's not great," you deadpan. You're shaking your head back and forth furiously. "She'll think I'm pathetic. She's helped me so much. She's been there for me and of course I was going to fall for her."

You feel so pathetic, so utterly stupid.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

"Hey," Tina coos and puts her arm around you shoulders. "You can't help what you feel."

You shake your head, "But it's so stupid." She helped you accept yourself, she's also attracted to girls, and she's beautiful. Of course you were going to fall for her. It's so obvious, and so inevitable.

And it doesn't make it any better that she already has a girlfriend. A really hot girlfriend and they seem to be really happy together.

"Maybe she likes you too," Tina shrugs and you look at her, skeptically.

"I don't think so," you snort. What you just witnessed speaks pretty clearly about whom Santana belongs to.

"Maybe it's worth a try," Tina tilts her head to the side and looks at you with a gentle smile. "You don't need to tell her yet, if you don't want to," Tina shrugs. "But maybe it's worth it if she likes you back. You won't know how she feels until you ask."

I

You're sitting in class the next day with sweaty hands and a nervous stomach.

You don't know if any of them noticed that you walked in on them yesterday. You just kind of ran away.

So when Santana rushes through the door ten minutes late, your heart leaps out of your chest.

But then she spots you, smiles and walks over towards your seat. She sits down next to you before leaning in and whispering a 'good morning' in your ear, so the teacher won't hear you talking.

You instantly feel relieved, because if she knew what you saw yesterday, you would die out of embarrassment.

She would probably only think the whole situation was funny; she would probably not feel ashamed.

You smile back at her and tell her "Hi."

"Want to come over later?" she asks after a couple of minutes.

You purse your lips and try to remember if you had any plans today.

"Sure," you say because you do have laundry time at nine, but you guess you can be home until then.

As you're sitting on Santana's bed, you can't help but feel a little uncomfortable. Knowing what happened in here before makes you not want to be near it.

"Don't worry, I've washed the sheets."

You instantly freeze.

You crane your neck towards her and narrow your eyes. You feel how warmth start to creep up your neck to your cheeks as you let out a high-pitched, "What?"

She smirks at you but then bites her lip. "So that was you?"

You widen your eyes and she keeps looking at you with that smirk and you want the floor to swallow you down and never let you up.

"We heard the door slam shut and I figured it could've been you." Santana raises her eyebrows, as if she's waiting for you to admit that it was you.

"Uh," you swallow thickly and bob your head a little. "Yeah, that could've… been me."

Santana slowly starts to smile and you see her dimples before she bites her lip. "Sorry," she mumbles and you feel like your face is starting to become a little too hot.

"That's… okay."

You sit in silence for a while and it's super uncomfortable.

"So," she says after a while and you purse your lips.

"So."

"How much did you see?"

You choke on your own saliva as you try to swallow down your uneasiness.

"Um."

"I mean, how long were you standing there 'cause… yeah," she trails off and you bite your lip, hard.

"Not long," you say and she nods her head slowly. "But enough to see…" you trail off too and she widens her eyes for a second before she nods her head again.

"Oh," she mumbles and you suck your lips into your mouth again. "Do you want a coke?"

"Sure," you say a little too fast, eager to change the subject.

You get up from the bed as Santana also gets up and when she hands you the coke, her fingers linger a little longer than necessary over yours.

Then she looks into your eyes and you feel the need to gulp. Her eyes travel from your eyes and lower and your heart speeds up.

You're standing by the door and when she takes a step closer, you instinctively take a step back until your back is against the door and her gaze is still firmly on your lips.

You don't really know what's going on or what she's doing. You only thought she would give you a coke but now she practically has you pressed up against the door.

"Santana?" you say and suddenly her gaze is on your eyes again and they're wide and kind of panicked.

She slowly shakes her head and mumbles out a rushed, "I'm sorry, coke?"

You stretch your lips into a smile and raise your hand, "You got me one."

"Right, sorry."

She puts her hand on the wall behind you and she's still standing really close to you. You decide to be bold so you reach your free hand out and touch hers.

She looks down at your hands before intertwining your fingers together. She pulls them up and pushes your hand back until your interlaced hands are pressed against the wall right by your head.

Her eyebrows are furrowed as her gaze wanders to your face and something flutters in your chest as she shuffles even closer to your body.

You reach your free hand up and put it on her hip, slowly letting your fingertips graze the warm skin in between her shirt and her jeans.

"Kiss me," you hear yourself say.

You don't know how you got to this place. Where Santana is pressed up against you and your hands are intertwined and your mouths are inches apart.

You see how Santana's eyes zero in on your lips again and when you slowly lick them, her eyelashes flutter and she gulps.

"I can't cheat," she mumbles. "I'm not a cheater."

You pull her closer, with your hand on her hip, and you tilt your head a little to the side, inching even closer to her face.

"Then break up with her, San." You're pleading and you don't know how you got to this. You had no intention in making her break up with her girlfriend ten minutes ago. "Break up with her for me."

Her eyebrows are pinched together and you can see her inner thoughts spinning like gears.
She's hovering over your lips, pressing you up against the door. Small puffs of hot air leaves her lips and you drink her in. Her lips are plump and her eyes are so deep.

"... I can't."

You take a deep shallow breath and feel how your heart sinks.

She quickly takes her hand away from the wall, pulls her other hand away from yours, and shakes her head.

"What I am doing?" she mumbles and your heart keeps sinking. "I can't do this."

You close your eyes as she whispers out a small 'sorry' and when you feel all the warmth from her body disappear, you peek one eye open and catch her right before she's slamming the door shut behind her. And you're left pressed up against the wall of her dorm room, feeling completely cold and empty.

As you leave her dorm, you call Tina. You tell her what happened and she promises to bring over some ice cream but you say she doesn't have to. She mutters out 'of course I have to' and 'I'm gonna kill her' before she quickly hangs up and you slowly walk your way back to your room, feeling like you're doing the walk of shame.

II

Santana calls you the next day and as you pick up, you're not expecting what she tells you.

"I'm sorry for yesterday. I don't know what got into me."

You're quiet for a while and you guess she takes it as you don't accept her apology because she keeps talking.

"You know I have a girlfriend. I just want to be your friend."

You close your eyes and take a deep breath.

"It's okay. Do you wanna hang out?"

"Yes. Sure. Okay. Now?"

You bite back a smile at her rushed words as you tell her to come over as soon as she can.

There's a knock on your door not more than 10 seconds later and you have a weird feeling she was either running towards your room or was already standing outside.

"Hey," she smiles and she's breathing like she's been running so you guess it was the first alternative.

"Hi," you say as you let her in.

You're standing by the door and she stands in front of you with her hands clasped behind her back.

"How are you?" she asks and you shrug.

"Good. And you?"

"Fine," she mumbles.

"Great."

"I've missed you." She bites her lip as if she didn't plan on saying that as she looks down at her hands.

"We saw each other yesterday," you tell her and she bites harder into her lip.

"I know."

You take a step forward and reach your arms out. As you pull her into a hug with your arms wrapped around her waist, you whisper "I've missed you to," into her ear.

She hugs you back and you stand like that for a while, your arms wrapped around each other, and your faces buried in each others necks.

You were angry with her right before she called. You wanted to stop liking her because of what she did yesterday, how she just ran out. But you also understand why she would run. She does have a girlfriend, and you know she's not just going to leave her for you.

And now when she's standing in your arms, you can't find that anger within you anymore. If she just wants to be your friend, you'll be her friend. And you won't beg her to break up with her girlfriend again.

She tightens her grip around you and you subtly inhale the warmth of her skin. It feels so good to be this close to her, even if you shouldn't feel that way.

You don't have time to think about what's happening before she pushes you back against the wall and the combination of the cold material of the wall and the warmth of her body makes your head spin with pleasure. She pulls her face from your neck and looks into your eyes as she takes a strand of your blonde hair and tucks it behind your ear. You swallow a shallow breath and feel as your pulse quickens. You watch as she roams her eyes over your face before stopping at your lips and you gulp audibly as she leans in closer. She shuts her eyes closed and you can see how her lips part slightly. Suddenly she's so close you can feel her breath on your lips and you part your lips too, wanting more than anything to be closer to her.

You thought she couldn't do this? This was the exact reason why she ran out of her own room yesterday? Why is she doing this?

Suddenly you feel her warm lips graze your own. It's short and you barely feel it. It only leaves a stray of tingles behind. You lick your lips and you almost moan at the taste of her lip-gloss on your lips.

Then you feel them again as she takes your bottom lip between her own. You exhale a shudder into her mouth as she gently sucks on your lip. You press your eyelids together and fist your hands in her shirt by her waist.

You don't know if you can touch her some place else. You want to so badly.

She slowly parts her lips again and you feel them against your own as she parts them. Then you feel something even warmer, and even wetter. And then she licks the corner of your mouth before she retreats her tongue into her mouth. You hear yourself moan as the tingles in your chest swarm all the way down to your lower stomach.

Her kisses are passionate but slow and when you grip her hair with your fingers, a moan tumbles from her lips. Her hands are eager and needy when they pull on the hem of your shirt. She lets her fingertips underneath your shirt and when she trails them along your stomach, you feel the tingles all down in your toes. She scratches her nails against your skin and pushes you harder against the wall. Your breathing is heavy and when you trail your hand down to the back of her neck, you feel how hot and sweaty she is. You push your fingers into her neck and she shudders against your tongue.

You fist her shirt and push her closer. The heat between your legs is getting impossible to ignore. Suddenly you feel how her thigh pushes up against you and you part your legs wider to give it more space. She pushes her body hard against you and you roll your hips into her thigh as you feel your lower stomach flush with heat. You pull her in harder by her neck and lick the back of her teeth as you hear yourself whimper.

Her hand slams against the wall behind you and her red nails scratch against the yellow tapestry as she closes her eyes hard. She pulls away from your mouth and leans her forehead against your shoulder.

"Fuck–"

You try to catch her lips with yours again but she pulls away and your heart sinks, again.

She's standing still for a moment, only breathing heavily. "This shouldn't have happened," she breathes. "This can't happen again."

You close your eyes and suck your lips into your mouth. Suddenly all the warmth and all the tingles you felt moments ago vanish from your body and you're left feeling colder than the last time she uttered those words.

You knew this would happen, you knew she'd say those words. Why did you keep going? Why did she kiss you and why did you let her?

You hear the door slam and you know she's gone. You take a few shaky steps towards your bed and flops down. The tingles in your body turn to ice as you think about the possibility that you're never going to see her again.

You know she came back to you the last time she rushed out the door. But this time you actually kissed, and you can't imagine how panicked she must be.

Oh god, Melissa.

Some part of you feels sorry for her, that she's been cheated on. You never thought you'd be the reason for someone to cheat on their partner. You hate cheating, you wish it didn't exist, and now you're a part of it all.

But mostly you just feel sad that you won't ever be kissing Santana again.

God, it felt so good.

And now she's gone, probably forever.

III

You don't hear from her until three days later. You thought she wasn't going to talk to you again but then you get a text. It doesn't say much, it's short and you feel hesitant to answer it.

Can I come up?

But you do. You say 'okay' and five minutes later, there's a knock on your door.

You pull the door open and let her in without looking in to her eyes.

You can see her feet as she takes a few steps inside your small dorm.

"I broke up with her," she mumbles and your heart skips a beat. "I broke up with her for you, Britt."

You're not sure if she's joking or not. You don't know why she'd be joking though. She looks so small and so unsure for the first time since you met her.

You can't really believe she's standing in front of you right now, after the way she rushed out on you the last time. But now she's here.

Her hair is wet and her coat is drenched.

You didn't even know it was raining. "Have you been outside?" you ask and she nods her head slowly up and down, as if she's unsure as to why you asked that question.

She licks her lips and narrows her eyes. "Do you wanna be with me, Britt? Do you want to be my girlfriend?" Santana looks at you with so much hope in her eyes but at the same time does she lock so hesitant.

You look from her eyes to her dripping wet hair and you furrow your eyebrows. "Aren't you cold?"

"Britt," she breathes out. "I just asked you to be my girlfriend."

You swallow, "I know."

She looks so expectant. If you weren't so nervous and had your feelings all over the place, you'd take notice of how cute she's being. She nods her head eagerly, "And?"

You breathe out through your nose and shrug one shoulder, "Of course I want to be your girlfriend."

Her eyes widen comically, "Are you sure?"

"San, I practically begged you to leave her for me. It was four days ago. I often have mood swings but I don't change my mind about those things that quickly."

She snorts out a laugh and then she's grinning. You bite back a smile but then you give up and you're just standing in front of each other, smiling like fools.

She looks up at you through her lashes when she asks, "Can I kiss you again now?"

You feel your lips pull into a huge grin and you whisper out a giddy, "Definitely."

IIII

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Thanks for reading!