AN: One shot, one sided Squid/Sponge monologue. Pointless drabble, but what the Hell? I had nothing better to do in Government.
Let's just say . . . hypothetically, of course . . . that I sort of, maybe don't hate you as much as I say I do. Which I don't. I mean, I do-hate you, I mean. Abhor is a better word, actually, and even that doesn't do justice to the absolute mind numbing, spine singing loathing I feel whenever I see you.
But scientifically speaking, let's just say I don't hate you. Please, stop giggling like that! I can't think when you giggle like that!
Alright, so I don't hate you-in this theory I'm presenting. Because I do hate you. More
than a sap like you could ever possibly comprehend.
Hypothetically speaking, what if I really liked you? No, not like brothers! Stop smiling like that! You're not even listening to men. You NEVER listen! Why do you think I hate you so . . .
Oh.
Don't cry! God, please don't . . . you listen to every word I ever say? What is that supposed to mean? Please stop crying like that! I didn't mean . . . no, I don't hate you! What? When did I say I wished you dead? Last Thursday . . . oh. You really do listen, don't you? I didn't think you actually took me seriously though. I didn't mean "dead" dead. I don't hate you, okay? I've never hated you. But I don't like you! You have to understand that right now. I don't like you. Not as a friend, not as a brother, not as . . . well, you know. What do you mean you don't know? Never mind, it wasn't important. . .
What about the theory? OH! My theory! Right. Well, just pretend that I kinda, sorta, really like you. Like . . . a lot. AND NOT LIKE BROTHERS! Like . . . NO, NOT LIKE A PET!!!!!!!!!! What is wrong with you?
Yes!! YES!!!!! That is exactly what I meant! At least you understand some things. I like you like that. Maybe even a little more . . .
Which I do not, of course! I mean, I'm totally straight . . . what does "straight" mean? Are you kidding me? I'm not answering that. Go ask your girlfriend, Sandy.
Sandy isn't your girlfriend?
You've never had a girlfriend?
Well, yeah, except for Patty, of course, but I don't think sandwiches count. Did that precious slab of beef pop your cherry?
NO! NOT THE FRUIT! Jesus Christ, you are exasperating.
But you and Sandy aren't . . . well, that changes everything! I mean, not for me, of course, but I'm sure Patrick will be pleased to hear that you and that squirrel aren't an item.
Well, of course it would make him happy! Why wouldn't it?
Does it make me happy? Why would you ask a stupid question like that? We're talking about Patrick, not me!
What? EW! I don't want to hear about his rash! What is the matter with you?
Anyway, back to my theory . . . let's just pretend that I like you like we already established I do . . . I mean, I don't! But if I did, let's just say, if I maybe, sort of love you . . . let's just say I feel a twinge whenever I look into your depthless blue eyes, or I dedicate every clarinet concerto in your honor, or maybe I masturbate to your employee of the month picture . . .
"What's masturbation?" Are you fucking kidding me? I don't have time for this . . .
Fine, I'll finish. What if all of that was true? What would you . . .
You love me too?
You love me . . . God, no! I didn't . . . I wasn't . . . I don't really . . . Get your hands away from my . . .
No! I DON'T LOVE YOU!!!! It was just a theory.
No, stop! Wait! Damn, you're crying again. Why are you crying? It was just a theory! You gotta breathe, okay? Stop crying!!! Great, now I'm crying! Please stop crying. I can't handle it when you cry. I'm sorry. It was just a theory . . .
It wasn't a theory to you?
Wait, then you're saying you really do . . . you know. You actually honest to Neptune love . . . come on, you're kidding, right? You can't possibly love . . .
That much, huh? Wow, that is a lot. Well, I can't exactly blame you. I mean, I am the greatest thing since canned bread. But what about Patrick? I don't think he'll take too kindly to your infatuation with yours truly.
Of course he'd care! Why wouldn't he? He practically licks the ground you walk on. In fact, he did lick the ground you walked on a couple of times-yesterday, in fact, he literally had his tongue on the tile.
Yes, I am implying something! Just toss it around that parallelogram head of yours. Test drive it . . . yes, I know you don't have you license. It's just an expression!
You and Patrick. You can't honestly tell me you've never considered it. I mean, he's your best friend, you're very similar . . .
He has a girlfriend?
A "girl" girl?
As in, female?
Who would date that tub of . . .
MINDY?!?!? Princess Mindy?!?!?! As in, Neptune's daughter, Mindy? The future ruler of the sea Mindy? Talk about bad taste. Oh, and Mindy has pretty low standards, too. But if Patrick has a girlfriend, then that means you . . .
You really might actually . . .
You really, honest to Neptune, completely and utterly . . .
Love me?
Not like a brother but like . . . you know.
Well, hypothetically speaking, I might maybe, just a little bit, sorta love you too. A little . . .
And maybe after our shift you can come over to my house? So we can, you know . . .
You don't know.
Um, no matter. We can work up to that. One question, though.
Are you a virgin?
You don't know what a "virgin" is?
Don't worry. I'll tell you after work.
But by then, you probably won't be one anymore.
Hypothetically speaking, of course.