Title: The 0-8-4
Author: snarkysweetness
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: Skyeward, Fitzsimmons, & Philinda
Summary: "Grant, this is a child." "I know; that's why I'm leaving it with you." In which Ward and Coulson save an 0-8-4 infant from Leviathan, Ward tries to stick Skye with the responsibility of taking care of it but she isn't having it, May is betting on Skyeward, & Coulson and Fitzimmons lose money or 'How a three-week-old 0-8-4 helped Grant Ward get laid'.
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Notes: Basically, Annie is an enabler who wanted Skyeward being forced to take care of a baby. There's no actual timeline for this so feel free to use your imagination.
"Grant, this is a child."
"I know; that's why I'm leaving it with you."
Skye stared down at the baby in her arms before looking back to her S.O., flabbergasted. He'd waltzed onto the bust not more than ninety seconds ago, carrying a bundle, then dumped it into her arms and simply said 'here, hold this for a second', as if he hadn't just discarded a baby that could be no more than three weeks old.
"I have no clue what to do with a baby!" She only knew she was holding it right because this was the only way she was sure it wouldn't fall from her arms. She rocked it as it whined and glared at her Supervising Officer, wishing she had a hand free to smack him upside the head.
"You're doing fine."
"Grant Ward don't you dare walk away from me!" She called as he left the cargo bay. Skye stood, terrified, with no comprehension of what she was supposed to do now. So she went to the only two people she could think of: Fitzsimmons.
"Why in the world do you have a baby, Skye?" Fitz asked as Jemma rolled her eyes.
"Why do you think, Fitz?"
Fitz stood confused for a moment. "I don't know, I think we would have noticed if Ward knocked her up."
Skye made a face. Why would Ward be the father of her hypothetical child?
Jemma rolled her eyes with a sigh. "And he wonders why I don't want children. Honestly, I feel like I'm raising one already, I can't even begin to imagine the headache-never mind. Clearly this is the 0-8-4 Ward and Coulson were sent to retrieve before Leviathan could harm it."
"I hope the damage wasn't bad," Skye muttered, suddenly feeling bad for trying to pass the kid on. They had a lot in common, but that didn't change the fact she didn't know how to keep it alive.
"Poor little darling. Where's Agent Coulson? Shouldn't he be taking care of things," Jemma asked.
"I don't know, Ward showed up, handed me the kid, and left. I think it's hungry or something, it won't stop fussing."
Jemma groaned. "She needs to be changed."
Skye made a face. Babies were all ugly, alien looking things. How was she supposed to tell their gender? And she was not changing a diaper. Not only did she not want to but she didn't know how to and where in the hell was she supposed to get diapers?
"Since you know so much about babies why don't you help me take care of it? I will most likely kill the poor thing on accident. I can't even keep a chia pet alive."
"Can't, Skye, we're busy. I need to recalibrate the isotopes in a new weapon I'm designing and Simmons is doing whatever it is she does with her biology kit."
"Oh, honestly, Fitz, you and I both know that my work in developing this truth serum for interrogations is not only more important but far more advanced than that weapon you're tinkering with. This will help us to ensure enhanced interrogation techniques will not be needed. That's just another death toy for Ward to use on missions."
"Do not tell me my area of science is inferior to yours simply beca-"
"Can you two stop with the foreplay, I already know the moment I leave you're going to have sex. You do it every time Coulson is gone. Look, just help me, please. I really don't know what I'm-"
"Skye, we really are busy. I'm sorry; besides, you're smart; you'll figure it out."
The baby began wailing in her arms and Skye panicked. "What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know but we can't concentrate with that going on."
"Why don't you ask May for help?" Jemma suggested. Skye shook her head. May was the last person she'd ask for help with a baby. At least Skye had some sort of maternal feelings, May was not cuddly at all; she wouldn't know how to handle a baby. Jemma lead Skye to the door before locking her out of the lab. Skye huffed in frustration which only upset the baby more.
She looked around, searching for A.C. but he wasn't back yet.
"Come on, stop crying. Oh I wish you were a boy. Maybe then I could show you a boob and you'd stop crying. Though, you probably want to see one anyway, but sorry, these are dry. Just, cut me some slack and stop crying, okay?" She pleaded, desperate.
"I ask you to hold a baby and you're offering it a free tit show?"
"You left me alone with a hungry baby that needs to be changed and with nothing to feed it or change it with and I don't even know how to feed a baby or change it and I'm going to drop it! I hate you!"
Skye was crying now, angry tears. She wanted to hit him, wipe that smirk right off his face.
"Oh, you are overreacting. I wasn't gone more than fifteen minutes."
"I'm the worst person to take care of a baby, I can't keep anything alive," she spat. Babies scared the hell out of her. After a pregnancy scare in High School she'd realized it was something she could never do. She didn't know how, she didn't know what it meant to have a family, how to be a mother, how to do anything. She was better off being alone. Besides, she didn't need to be responsible for screwing up a kid's life.
Ward ignored her. "Come on, it's not that hard to calm a baby down."
"Well, if you're so confident, you do it!"
Great, poor kid was going to be traumatized listening to not mom and dad arguing.
"No, I saved it; I'm done with babies for the day. Just take care of it until Coulson comes back; I have a report to write."
Skye rocked the baby and gave him a desperate and what she hoped was a puppy-dog look. "Please, Grant. I need you-to help me, I mean. I've never been around babies, not since the orphanage, and I was just a little kid then. I don't know what I'm doing."
Something in his stone exterior cracked and he sighed. "Fine, give her to me. Pick that up, will you," he said, motioning to a bag. He took the baby from her and cradled the baby in his arms. Despite her anger, Skye felt her heart skip a beat. Grant Ward looked good holding a baby. Sure, he always looked good, but now…the thought of having a baby didn't seem so bad right now, not if it meant getting to enjoy making it with him.
It hushed immediately and Skye crossed her arms with a pout.
"Maybe it doesn't like me," she offered and he shook his head.
"Come on, rookie, I'm going to teach you how to change a diaper."
Skye frowned but picked up the bag and followed him to the common room anyway.
"You're really good at this," she said as she watched him not only change a diaper but keep the baby entertained and quiet.
He gave her a shrug. "It's not hard, Skye. You just can't show fear, like with a dog."
And there went all of the tingles in her ovaries that parental Grant had ignited.
"Wow, you're an asshole sometimes."
He shrugged, not arguing. "Here you go, she's all changed. Now all you have to do it sit with her on the sofa and feed her this." He handed Skye a bottle and she took a deep breath.
No fear, she told herself as she carefully lifted the baby. The moment she touched her she began to scream. "Take her!" Skye cried, all but shoving her back into Grant's arms. Grant took the baby and she immediately stopped crying. Skye stood for a moment, eyeing him warily.
"Ftiz! Simmons! Stop having sex long enough to come here for a moment!"
"We were not-she was just making me a sandwich!"
They appeared, along with May in the doorway.
"Why is there a baby?"
"Long story," Ward said, giving May a shrug.
"Fitz, take the baby."
"I will not-"
"It's an experiment."
Fitz sighed and tried to take her but she began to scream. Skye smirked. "Now the rest of you." One by one attempts were made to hold the infant, Skye included, but it was clear:
"The baby likes you, Ward."
"Good, that means he can take care of her like he was assigned."
A.C. appeared on the bridge and Skye smirked smugly.
"But sir-"
"Sorry, Ward, but we're still arranging a foster home for her." Skye closed her eyes sadly. Poor kid. "And since you were the one who rescued her and you're the only one who can keep her quiet, you get to keep her."
"You're hurt," May said, noticing blood on his suit.
"Just a few scratches."
May gave him one of her 'looks' before turning and heading for the sick bay. Coulson sighed and followed, knowing better than to argue with her.
"But, sir, I'm not exactly the nurturing-"
"I don't care," Coulson called before disappearing behind May.
"Come on, you guys will help me, right?"
"Sorry, I have a sandwich waiting," Fitz said with a shrug before being followed out of the room by a chuckling Jemma.
Ward turned to Skye desperately and she held up her arms. "I killed a goldfish once after five minutes, sorry," she said as she backed away slowly. Grant gave her an angry look and she did her best to hide a smug look of satisfaction.
"Don't you dare leave-" Skye didn't get to hear the rest of his tirade because she'd made a run for her pod and didn't emerge until an hour later when her guilt won over her desire to see Ward suffer.
Skye poked her head into the common room and found Ward trying and failing to tell the baby a fairytale to get her to sleep. "Wow, you're worse at this than I thought." Grant glanced up at her furiously and before he could retort she added, "Luckily for you, storytelling is my super power."
She took a seat next to him on the sofa and told the child the story of a princess with hair that glowed and had healing powers. Sure, it was the exact plot of Tangled but neither of them knew that. Soon, the baby was happily sucking on one thumb while tiny snores escaped her nose. Skye smiled down at her, finding that she wasn't so bad or scary when she didn't sound like she was being murdered.
Skye traced the baby's fist with her finger, hoping she'd be safe wherever she went and that her life would have a happier story than Skye's had. They'd begun the same but Skye hoped S.H.I.E.L.D. would keep her in one place, keep her happy, all while continuing to watch over her as they had Skye.
"So…" Ward began to break the silence. "Do you think Coulson and May are off-"
"Yup." Skye didn't want to think about them doing it but she knew they were. You couldn't get away with anything on this plane.
"And Fitzsimmons are probably off-"
"Yup."
"So everyone on this bus is having sex right now except us."
Ward glanced over at Skye pathetically and she laughed. "We're the only ones not having sex yet here we are, stuck with a baby. Life is cruel."
"You know, we could always-"
Skye gave him that slap upside the head. He winced. "I deserved that. So…we don't really have anywhere to put her and as much fun as sitting here not having sex with you is, do you maybe want to watch a movie or something?"
"I know which one!" She jumped off the couch and ran for her laptop where she had all of her favorites stored digitally. She returned and set it on the table so they could watch it comfortably from the sofa.
"No," Grant said the moment he realized what it was.
"Oh, come on, Super Spy; don't tell me you don't love some James Bond."
"First of all, terrible example of the reality of being a spy. Second, not child friendly."
Skye rolled her eyes and shoved him aside so she could curl up comfortably next to him. "Shut up and watch the movie, Jason Bourne."
Somewhere between Daniel Craig's first and second love scene Skye peacefully fell asleep with her head on Grant's shoulder with both arms around his waist. He'd already nodded off with one arm cradling the baby and the other keeping Skye pressed against his side, holding them both protectively.
From the galley Phil and Melinda stood, watching them with arms crossed.
"You owe me $20."
"Melinda, the bet was-"
"That they would be sleeping together by the end of the week. They're sleeping. Together. I win, Phil."
"Not the same thing-"
Their voices trailed off as they walked away. Grant cracked open an eye with a groan. "Great, I have a baby, everyone thinks we're together, and I'm still not getting any."
Skye stirred against him before leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek, with her eyes still closed. "Keep being a hot man taking care of a defenseless, orphaned baby, and you might by the end of the week." Ward wasn't the only light sleeper on the plane. There was some unspoken rule that S.H.I.E.L.D. agents couldn't sleep properly; probably the whole always being on alert thing and she'd picked it up right away, though with her past, sleep had never come easily to begin with.
Grant toyed with her hair. "Are you hitting on me, rookie?"
"No, I just want in on that bet. Now shut up so I can use you as a pillow some more." She could get used to sleeping with him. He was safe and dependable and firm. The perfect cure for insomnia.
She could feel his smirk as he pulled her closer and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "As you wish." Skye smiled and made a mental note for The Princess Bride to be next on their watch list. The baby cooed and fussed in Grant's arms. Skye reached out instinctively to comfort her and allowed her fellow 0-8-4 take her finger in her tiny fist. Skye cracked open an eye to find it watching her and grinning. Skye bit back a chuckle.
The kid didn't dislike her; she'd just wanted to be held by the sexy, male secret agent.
Good move, kid, good move.
When the time came to hand the little monkey, as Skye had affectionately nicknamed it, over to agents who would secure her with a real family, a family that would keep her, Skye almost wanted to beg that they didn't. The kid had grown on her and she knew that she'd find herself checking in on her over the years, just to make sure she was okay. And if she ever needed help, Skye would be there. The kid was family now, plus, she was the reason why later that night Skye was totally going to make out with Grant Ward's stupid face.
But Skye wasn't ready to be a mom, so she watched sadly as they took her away, waving pathetically until they were out of view. Grant stood behind her, with a sad look on his face, which only made her smile.
"Aw, Agent Ward, you miss her," Skye teased once they were alone.
"I do not, just worried is all; we all know how well S.H.I.E.L.D. keeps 0-8-4's safe." She wasn't surprised he'd read her very thin file so instead she smirked and leaned up to press another kiss to his cheek.
"It's okay; I won't tell anyone that the tin man has a heart." She walked toward her pod while he stood behind, stewing. Once she reached the bridge she glanced back to find him still watching the cargo door. "You know, if you want to come with me I'll split the winnings from Fitzsimmons with you." She could still remember the looks on Fitzsimmons' face when she said she not only wanted in but was fully prepared to proposition him if necessary. "Fifty bucks each. Enough for you to take me on a real date and we've only got three hours for me to win that bet, so…"
And that's the story of how a three-week-old 0-8-4 helped Grant Ward get laid.