A/N: For Gaby, because she graduated today. Congrats! Here's something depressing!
She didn't know why she was here.
She woke up in the morning with every intention of skipping out on today's ceremonies but somehow she found herself here. Fully dressed and ready to receive the fake paper diploma that signified the rest of her life.
Except it didn't.
It used to. She remembered the joy in getting her acceptance letter to Stanford. Her mom cried and hugged her tight, while her dad embraced them both. She was so anxious to get out of New York, to see the world and have new experiences.
Her first day at college seemed like it was the beginning of a whole new her.
Five months later everything was over.
Instead of Stanford, it was Columbia. Instead of fun and laughter, it was grief. Instead of hugs and kisses, it was hands prying a bottle away.
And now here she was, squirming in the plastic seat waiting for her turn to stand up and be recognized for her hard work. Her body was still sore in places from the physical portion of the police academy test that she took last week. She was fairly confident she passed most of the sections although she was worried about the psych evaluation.
Her hands fiddled with the ring around her neck as she waited for the speeches to be over and for her name to be called. She found it in her jewellery box today and slipped it on an old chain. At least in some capacity her mother would be with her today.
She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to shield herself from the painful memories that washed over her. She needed her mother here. Right now. She wanted her to be sitting in the parents section, cheering and clapping for her when she went on stage.
But instead she had no one.
She expressly told her dad not to come. It was 11:30 am so it was highly likely he was trudging into his favourite bar.
And they had fought. She planned to keep it from him for as long as possible but when he found out that she was taking the entrance testing for the police academy, he flipped out. And they yelled at each other, said hateful things that sliced at each other like razor blades. It was all they had left to express their pain, words that shredded her until she pushed her way out of the house, stumbling down the street and throwing up in a nearby garbage can.
As the names of her classmates rang out in the air, she sat up a little straighter. The advantage of having a last name like Beckett meant that she was near the beginning of the pack; something she was very grateful for.
As her name was called out, she stood up and made her way to the stage. She shook the hand of her dean and moved across the stage. There was no one there to take her picture. No one to clap and cheer and tell her that the mere fact that she had survived the last three years should account for something.
That's why she wanted to come. Not because she finished college but because somehow she needed recognition, even if it was just from herself. Notice that she made it through.
If she could make it through three years, she could do a few more. Once she got on the force, she could get her hands on the file and make things better. She needed to see for herself the truth of what happened that night. She needed every last detail of how her mother was taken away from her. Maybe that would fill the dark hole inside of her, the one that was also rotting her father from the inside out.
She stepped off the stage and walked out, not bothering to return to her seat. She got what she came for.
All she needed to do was hang on a bit longer.