I wrote this angsty Samcedes one-shot the other day and then spent ages trying to decide if I should post it or not. Personally, I think this one is better than the other stuff I've written, but let me know what you think! Obviously I don't own Glee or any of the characters, nor do I own the song used. All rights go to the respective owners.
Hope you enjoy it!
P.s. I'm not sure the song is technically blues, but I'm using poetic license so… yeah!
'Aren't we a little young to be going to bars?' Mercedes asked as Finn ushered her into the smoky room.
'Ordinarily, I would say yes.' Rachel's chipper voice piped up from Mercedes other side, 'but I would call this a special case.'
Mercedes brow furrowed as she fixed Rachel with a 'what the hell?' look.
'This isn't about a solo is it?'
Rachel's mouth hung open in confusion before she hurriedly shook her head.
'Of course not! I have no idea why you'd even ask me that.'
'Why don't we grab a booth?' Finn interrupted, guiding the two girls to a booth near a raised platform set up as a temporary stage.
The bar wasn't deserted, but it wasn't full either, and Mercedes' found herself hoping fervently that she wouldn't be caught in a bar underage. She wasn't planning to drink, and Finn and Rachel had both assured her that they weren't going to either, but that only made her more confused. When Rachel had cornered her by her locker earlier that day and begged Mercedes to go on a 'special mission' with her and Finn, Mercedes had had to stop herself from responding with a resounding 'hell to the no'. Instead she'd bitten her tongue and listened as Rachel chattered about needing Mercedes' opinion on something very important to do with the glee club's Regionals performance, and as Mercedes was the Troubletones captain Rachel had insisted that it was only right that Mercedes be invited along. That in itself had been weird.
Mercedes looked around the bar now, trying to take everything in. What this place had to do with their glee club she couldn't fathom. She'd gathered from the sign outside that it was a blues bar, and it certainly seemed to fit the stereotype - smoke swirled underneath the blue tinted lights overhead and the older-looking patrons all seemed to be nursing bottles of beer or tumblers of brown liquor, probably whisky, or maybe scotch, she guessed.
Mercedes was disturbed out of her reverie by a voice coming over sound system. She looked around in confusion for a second before Finn touched her arm and pointed to the makeshift stage behind her.
Mercedes turned and watched as a bearded man wearing a plaid shirt and a baseball cap stepped up to the mic.
'Well, alright there.' He said, his Southern drawl amplified by the mic and the sudden quiet of the bar.
'For those of you who are new here my name is Buddy, and this here is my bar.' There were a series of whoops and yells from some of the audience in response to this and Buddy tugged the brim of his cap in appreciation.
'Now, if you've been here before you might have seen this guy already. He's real young, but he's got a whole load of talent, and I'm sure y'all are gonna like whatcha hear. Please welcome to the stage, Shotgun Evans.'
There was a smattering of applause but Mercedes barely heard it. Her mind was somewhere else. He wouldn't have, she thought dully, it couldn't be… but then she was remembering a tearful conversation on the phone with Sam a month after he'd moved to Kentucky. They'd tried to keep in contact, and they'd tried to make it work, but Mercedes could tell they were both struggling.
'This is too hard, Sam.' She'd told him down the line, trying to keep her voice from shaking.
'Don't say that, Cede.' He'd sounded tired, and his deep voice came over gravelly on the phone.
'I can't help it, Sam. Neither of us even know when we're going to see each other again…' She took a deep breath and let it out in a whoosh.
'Maybe we're just trying to hold on to something that we aren't meant to hold onto.'
There was silence on the other end of the phone for a minute and Mercedes almost checked to see if the line had dropped before Sam finally spoke.
'I don't think that's true, Cede… and I don't think you do either.'
She could hear his intake of breath on the other end and knew that he was running his hands through his hair like he always did when he was frustrated.
Mercedes chose not to say anything. She knew that if she tried to disagree with him he'd see right through her. The truth was that while she was pretty certain that Sam Evans was the best boyfriend on the face of the planet, she couldn't shake the creeping doubt that she wasn't the best girlfriend for him. After all, he was popular, handsome, funny, sweet, he could have any girl he wanted. Hell, he deserved that, and who was she to hold him back? What made her so special?
If you love something, let it go.
She'd heard that phrase so many times before, she'd even sung the words along with her favourite vocalists on the stereo, but she'd never really got what they'd meant until that moment, until now. So that's what she was going to do, even if it hurt like a bitch.
'It doesn't matter what I think, Sam.' She told him, clenching her jaw to keep him from hearing the tell tale waver.
'Of course it matters!' Sam tried to interrupt.
'No it doesn't. I'm here, and you're there. We can't put our lives on hold for each other. It doesn't make sense.'
Sam's voice was quiet on the other end of the line, as if he already knew that he was fighting a losing battle.
'But I love you, Cedes.'
Mercedes' heart broke at the sadness in his voice, and she gripped the phone tighter to stop herself from taking it all back, even though the words were on the tip of her tongue. Her knuckles were white as she whispered her response.
'I love you too, Sam.'
She felt the tears trickle silently down her cheeks as she continued.
'I always will… but maybe our love is like a… like a shotgun love. Big and explosive, but meant to be over in a short time.'
'But-'
'You know how after you shoot a gun the muzzle stays warm for a while?' Mercedes carried on quickly, not letting Sam interject in case she lost her nerve.
'I feel like we're a warm gun right now, Sam, and we just haven't realized that it's already over.'
'Happiness is a warm gun, mama' Sam said in John Lennon's voice, but it didn't help lighten the mood like he thought it would.
'I just don't get why you're doing this. I thought we were doing okay?'
Mercedes bit her lip and nodded, knowing full well that he couldn't see her.
'I can't keep holding you back, baby.' She said, and then kicked herself for using the endearment, 'You can't keep holding out for the girl in Ohio you dated for a few weeks over the summer.'
'Maybe I want to.' Sam argued.
'Maybe you shouldn't.'
There was a pause before Sam sighed again.
'I'm not going to change your mind, am I?' he asked after a while.
Mercedes reached up a hand to wipe away the errant tears that were now falling thick and fast and sniffed.
'Nope.'
There was another pause on the end of the line as Sam thought for a long moment.
'If that's what you want, Cede.' He acquiesced finally and Mercedes closed her eyes against the onslaught of emotions that simple sentence brought on: Sadness, pain, guilt, she waited for the feeling that would tell her she was doing the right thing, but it didn't come. Maybe it was because she was too caught up in the feeling of her heart breaking to notice. Maybe it would come later, she decided, after she'd had time to let it all sink in.
It didn't.
'I'm sorry I had to leave you behind, Cede.' Sam continued, 'I'm sorry that this crappy economy took me away from you, and I'm sorry that it's breaking us up now. And I'm sorry that I'm only 17 and I can't offer you any more stability than a promise… but I'm gonna make you one anyway, Mercedes… and if you need to believe that I'm being deluded or whatever right now then that's okay, but I swear that I am going to come back for you someday, Beautiful. I'm not giving up on us, whether you believe me or not.'
Mercedes had wanted to believe him, she believed that he believed it, but there had been the nagging voice at the back of her head that told her that some Quinn look-alike would spot him at his new school and notice all the wonderful things there were to love about him, and then that would be it. He'd forget about her in a heartbeat.
She'd convinced herself that that was the case in the weeks and months after he'd left, even though her heart would yell at her that she was wrong every time she did. It didn't matter, as long as Sam was out of sight hundreds of miles away in Kentucky she could keep telling herself that he was moving on with his life and that she should do, could do the same. The gaping hole in her heart that nothing seemed to fill wasn't because part of it was in Kentucky, she told herself firmly. It was because she'd watched too many of those damn Nicholas Sparks movies.
So now here she was, sitting in a bar on the outskirts of Lima having flashbacks to that day, just because some guy had chosen a stupid blues name. Evans was a common last name anyway, Mercedes reasoned, wishing that she'd had the foresight to order one of the bottles of beer or shots of whisky that seemed to be so popular with the other customers in the bar. Just one more thing she could regret, she thought bitterly, it was getting to be a long list.
Mercedes had turned away from the stage as she thought, choosing instead to stare at the worn surface of the table in front of her. She counted the burn holes made by the cigarettes of the countless people who had sat there before her and traced each one idly with her fingers as she tried to focus on anything, anything other than Sam, and the all-too familiar rush of feelings that came with thinking about him.
She heard, rather than saw, when 'Shotgun Evans' made his way onto the stage - the whooping and hollering that erupted were enough to tell her that much - but she still didn't dare turn around. Just in case, she thought, it's not him, but just in case. She didn't even want to believe it when a voice that she could recognize in her sleep cut through the bar.
'I want to thank y'all for the warm welcome.'
There was a pause and the sound of an instrument being shifted.
'I know some of y'all probably think I'm a little too young to be singing the blues,' there was a pause as someone shouted 'darn straight!' eliciting a wave of laughter from the audience.
Mercedes heard him chuckle briefly into the microphone before he continued.
'Truth is, I've had a lot of stuff happen in my life that would probably surprise you. A lot of stuff that I'm willing to bet a lot of y'all couldn't even guess.' He cleared his throat, 'but I'm not going to sing about any of that, not tonight anyway. Tonight I want to sing about a woman.'
There was a rustle of acknowledgement in the audience, and Mercedes made aware that she was gripping the edge of the table like a vice when Rachel reached over and took one of her hands in hers.
'I know I'm not the first guy to be in love with a girl he can't have, and I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna be the last either.' He paused, 'but in the meantime, I hope y'all don't mind if I sing about mine.'
The sound of a harmonica rang through the bar and Mercedes felt it like a knife to her heart. But she still couldn't bring herself to turn around, not even when she was surprised to hear a piano rather than the guitar she'd been expecting.
Waking up this morning thinkin'
This can't be real
They say there's nothing
Love can't heal
Why don't you come on down
So you can
Feel what I feel?
Sittin' all alone in this place
Even though we're here
Face to face
There is nothing gone
But there's something wrong
Can't you see
That I'm stuck here
Underneath?
And you make it hard to breathe
Take a look around
And tell me what you see
You'll find me
Underneath
Mercedes was dimly aware of Finn's eyes fixed on her as she listened to the performance with tears in her eyes. This was different to performing in glee club, she realized. This was him playing out his feelings never suspecting that she would hear them. His performance was raw and real and the pain was so evident in his voice that Mercedes ached to go to him, to wrap him in her arms and tell him that it would be ok. Only she couldn't, because she was seeing someone else, and even though she knew Shane was a mistake, a misguided attempt to fill the Sam shaped hole in her heart, she couldn't bring herself to break it off with him after he'd been so good to her.
I know what to say
But I don't know where to begin
I fear I'm losing you beneath my skin
Is there resolution for this pain that I'm in?
Mercedes knew what he was saying, he was under her skin just as much as she was under his. She'd tried, Shane was proof of that, but she couldn't get away from it, couldn't get away from him. She told herself it was bearable while they were apart, but it hadn't been, not really, and she'd clung to the idea of him coming back to her more nights than she cared to admit, even while she reprimanded herself for doing so. Then there were the times she'd worried that he'd become just a memory that she was clinging to. She would oscillate between trying to forget him and trying to remember every detail, Shane had come in a 'forget him' stage, so had 'So June' - she still regretted that one. It had been a lie that she'd felt down to her core, but she couldn't take it back, not in front of Shane and not in front of Jacob Ben Israel. So she'd put a smile on her face and pretended everything was fine, and then gone home and punched her pillow with tears streaming down her face until she'd fallen into a fitful sleep.
If only you could feel what I dream
Maybe you could hear what I mean
There is nothing gone
But there's something missing
Them, Mercedes thought, they were missing, whatever it was that had made them 'us' when they were a couple. Except that it wasn't that exactly, Mercedes realized, it wasn't that 'they' were gone, it was just that there were things in the way now. She wanted to believe it was Shane, it would be easier if it was Shane, but she knew that that it wasn't just him. A lot of feelings had sprung up after Sam had left, hell, even before he'd left. She'd let him closer than anyone else had ever gotten to her, he knew her, in and out, and she knew him. Which was why it had hurt so much when he'd left, because it had been her he was leaving, the real her. She knew it wasn't his fault, she knew that he couldn't help it, but it had still hurt. It had hurt a lot. So Mercedes had built new walls around herself even stronger than the ones Sam had managed to tear down, and now those walls stood between them. They were both there, but they were separated, and Mercedes didn't know if she was strong enough to let her guard down again.
Can't you see
That I'm stuck here
Underneath?
And you make it hard to breathe
Take a look around
And tell me what you see
You'll find me
Underneath
You'll find me underneath
You'll find me underneath
Underneath, underneath.
The trouble with having someone know you really well, Mercedes thought as she idly watched droplets splash on the table top, is that sometimes they know things about you that even you hadn't realized, and you can't hide from them or lie to them because they know, Mercedes sniffed and ran her fingers through the tiny pools of water on the table top, drawing the liquid out so each drop was connected by a thin channel. The worst part, she thought fiercely, is realising that you actually want them to see through you and fight for you, even if you don't know what you'll do if they do.
Mercedes' vision blurred and she felt Rachel wrap her small arms around her in a hug.
'We didn't think it would make you cry.'
The worry in Finn's voice was bordering on panic as he watched the girl opposite him cry silently.
'It's just that, the Sam we found in Kentucky was so different to the Sam we met at McKinley.' Rachel explained, still holding on to Mercedes.
'He seemed… older and more jaded. He was doing things that just… didn't seem like him.' Rachel locked eyes with Finn over Mercedes' bent head before the brunette girl continued.
'It was like the hope had been sucked out of him, Mercedes… apart from when he talked about you.'
'I know you wanted to keep it a secret,' Finn cut in, 'but you can fit a lot of conversation between here and Kentucky, and…' Finn shrugged, 'he wanted to talk about you.'
Mercedes didn't say anything so Rachel kept talking to fill the silence.
'He's happier around you, and I know you don't want to admit it but you're happier around him too. Everyone can see it.'
'Yeah,' Finn interjected again, 'but when you're apart you both kind of walk around like someone kicked your puppies.'
Mercedes wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and sniffed.
'I have a boyfriend.'
It was a stock phrase that she'd taken to using whenever anyone asked about Sam, and it had worked… until he'd come back. Now no one seemed to be listening anymore.
'Listen, Mercedes,' Rachel began, disengaging herself from the diva now she'd stopped crying, and worrying a coaster on the table in front of her, 'we know that you like Shane, but it's obvious that you don't feel for him the way you do for-'
'Don't.' Mercedes interrupted, cutting the other girl off mid-sentence, 'don't say it. I don't want to hear it.' Mercedes bit her lip and squared her shoulders, tilting her chin upwards slightly as she did so.
'I want to go home.'
Finn looked worried again and tried to protest but Mercedes looked him dead in the eye and repeated her request, turning her head to include Rachel as she asked
'Does he know I'm here?'
Finn and Rachel both shook their heads,
'Good. I don't want him to know.'
'But why?' Rachel wailed as Finn stood to leave.
'Because this is my business, and it's far more complicated than both of you realise, and because I don't want either of you meddling in my relationships. Now can we please go?'
The couple nodded and Mercedes was grateful that they managed to escape out the back entrance without being seen. She was confused, and hurt, and she was more than a little humiliated that she'd cried in front of Finn and Rachel.
They rode back to their houses in relative silence, but Mercedes still hugged them both before she climbed down from Finn's truck.
'I know tonight came from a good place.' She explained, 'but honestly, I don't know how I feel about any of this, and I need you guys to give me enough space to figure that out, ok?'
The couple nodded emphatically and Mercedes gave them a tight smile before she got out and started to make her way down the path to her house.
'Wait a sec.' She said, turning suddenly back to the truck where Rachel was climbing into the recently vacated front seat.
'How did you guys even know Sam was going to be there tonight?' Mercedes narrowed her eyes suspiciously and put her hands on her hips as she fixed them both with a 'don't you dare lie to me' glare.
'Sam may have left a flyer in the pocket of a pair of his jeans.' Rachel admitted quietly, her eyes fixed on the dashboard in front of her.
'And you were going through his pockets because…'
'I wasn't snooping! I was just doing laundry, ok! Paper in the machine ruins the effect of fabric softener, and I have very sensitive skin!'
Finn knitted his brow in confusion but Mercedes nodded and dropped her inquisitive position.
'Alright, I'll buy it. Have a safe journey home, you guys.' She waved as she turned back to her door and let herself in to her house.
It wasn't until she was lying in bed that night that Mercedes began to process her thoughts from the evening. Sam was hurting or, more accurately, she was hurting him and that had never been her intention. She couldn't give him exactly what he wanted, but that didn't mean they couldn't be friends again, or at least something close to it. They'd been friends before, after all. Mercedes grabbed her phone and composed a text before she had the chance to think better of it, and waited for the familiar sting of regret to hit after she'd hit the 'send' and was surprised when it didn't.
She couldn't keep the smile from creeping onto her face when her phone buzzed with Sam's reply and she barely had to think about it as she tapped out a quick response and sent it. Still no regret, she noted, maybe tomorrow, she thought as she returned her phone to her bedside table and turned over before falling into the most peaceful sleep she'd had in months.
Sam lay in bed later that night and thought about Mercedes. He thought about her a lot, that was for certain, she was never far from his mind, but tonight he was beginning to doubt his convictions where she was concerned. He'd been so sure that she still loved him, that he'd be able to get her to take him back, but as he was singing tonight he'd started to wonder if maybe he was just deluding himself. He'd known she was lying when she'd told him she'd moved on that day in the hallway at school, and she had a new boyfriend now. Sam clenched his fists at the thought of some other guy holding her, kissing her, making her laugh… but he had no right to be upset, did he? They'd broken up, she'd broken up with him even. He knew he ought to respect that, but he just couldn't bring himself to believe her. There'd been something in the way she'd spoken to him, in the way that she hadbeen speaking to him since he'd told her he was moving. It was like she was trying to protect herself.
She'd been hiding behind bravado when he'd first met her. Hell, he'd even fallen for it for a while, but then one night he'd just seen it for what it was, an act she used to try to keep herself from getting hurt. That had been at the Night of Neglect concert, when he'd watched her perform her diva antics and then come out on stage and give the most real, vulnerable, raw performance he'd ever seen in his life. He'd wondered then if anyone else had seen how vulnerable she was underneath the attitude, how much she wanted to be appreciated. He'd started paying more attention to Mercedes after that night and he'd quickly realized that no one else did notice, they just used her to make themselves feel better, sound better, look better and it had driven him crazy. Then prom had happened, and he'd realized how awesome and cool she was and he'd just wanted to know her.
That was how they'd started, just hanging out, getting to know each other. They were friends before anything else, only now she wasn't even that and he missed her like hell. He'd thought he knew her well enough to know that she wanted him to fight - she'd say she didn't, but he knew that she'd be secretly thrilled if he did. That was Mercedes all over, she never really believed in her own worth, so she was always surprised when you actually gave her the treatment she deserved.
Sam sighed and stared at his ceiling, wondering if maybe she had moved on and he was just telling himself that she hadn't because he didn't want to let her go. He'd started singing at the blues bar to earn a little money while he tried to get his thoughts in order away from the glee club. He'd gone there to find some neutral ground to air how he really felt, but he'd come back feeling more confused and conflicted than ever. He knew that he loved Mercedes, and he was, like, 99.9% sure that she loved him back, but he also knew that she wasn't going to be as quick to let him in again.
'What a big, damn mess.' He said into the darkness, and then smiled wryly into the darkness because it sounded like something Cede would say.
Sam let out a gusty sigh as he rolled over to stare at the stars outside his window, his eyes fixed on the moon.
'If you love something let it go, right?'
Sam scrubbed his hands over his face and rolled back over.
'Alright,' he prayed, 'I'm going to put it in Your hands right now, God. I'll back off, but if she gives me any indication that she still cares for me then I'm going to take that as Your blessing and I'm going to keep fighting, okay?'
Sam paused for a response even though he knew there wouldn't be one and nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone buzzed.
'Glob fracking, dammit!…' he cursed under his breath as he reached for his phone. Flipping it open without bothering to look at the name on the front he read the text message in awe and then scrolled up to check the name at the top again in disbelief.
'Whoa,' he said, fixing the ceiling with an impressed stare.
'You work fast.' He added, shaking his head as he reread the text message again before sending a quick reply and putting his phone back on the nightstand and rolling over with his back to the window, a big smile on his face as he went over the text message again in his head.
'Sam, I miss you. I miss our friendship. We might not be together anymore, but that doesn't mean that I don't care. I know you well enough to know you're hurting, and I have a feeling that I'm at least partially responsible for that. I don't know what I can do to fix it, or even if I * can * do anything, but I'm sorry, and I wanted you to know that oel ngati kameie, Sam. Always. M x'
'I miss U 2, Cede, and I kno I'm not the only 1 whose hurting. I'll always b yr freind, & I'm here. Coffee at the Lima Bean tomoro after school? As freinds? I have the new Children's Crusade comic… Sam x'
Sam waited impatiently for the next buzz of his phone, and knocked it halfway across the room when he lunged at it. After fumbling for it in the dark, Sam eventually flipped it open and read Mercedes' response. He couldn't stop himself from doing a little celebratory dance as he made his way back to bed.
'…You had me at Children's Crusade. I'm in. Cede x'
And the first wall fell.
oel ngati kameie means I see you in Na'vi.
The song is Underneath (Acoustic) by Hanson