Running to Stand Still
Jenny was curled up on the sofa, wearing sweatpants and a tee shirt, indulging in wine and a silly romance novel when someone knocked at her door. She sighed and got up, padding barefoot over to the door and opening it to reveal none other than Danny Quinn.
He was holding out a bottle of wine like a peace offering. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything," he said as he ran his eyes over what Jenny was wearing.
Jenny folded her arms over her chest. "What are you doing here, Danny?"
"Can't a bloke just pop over to a friend's for a drink? I even brought the wine."
She looked up into Danny's friendly, open face and reluctantly opened the door wider. "Make yourself at home."
Which was something Danny seemed to have no trouble doing. He had already found his way to the sofa, plopping down and nodding towards Jenny's glass and open bottle of Pinot Grigio. "Looks like you had the alcohol covered just fine on your own." His gaze alighted on the book next, which he picked up with a grin and a waggle of his eyebrows. "Some light reading?"
Embarrassed, Jenny seized it from him and tucked it under her arm. "Let me get you a glass," she said and escaped to the kitchen. She placed the book, face-down (why did they all have such ridiculous covers?), in a drawer and retrieved a second wine glass, taking a moment to settle her nerves before exiting the kitchen.
In her absence, Danny had sprawled back against the sofa cushions with his arms spread out, his eyes absorbing the contents of the room. Jenny felt uncomfortable, as though she was on display. She topped up her own glass and poured one for Danny, handing it to him before sitting down beside him.
They sipped their wine in silence for a while before Jenny said, "I know why you're here, Danny. Why don't you just say what it is you came here to say?"
In their short acquaintance, Danny had never shown himself to be shy about speaking his mind, and now was no different. He met her eyes and said bluntly, "Please stay."
"Danny-"
"No, listen. I know what you said, but that's rubbish. They need you. They are your team, Jenny, and I think deep down you know it. They trust you and they care about you."
And that was the problem, wasn't it? Regardless of whether they were Jenny's team or not, they were something more important - they were her friends. As much as she felt that leaving was the right decision, she couldn't help but feel as though she was abandoning them, abandoning them just when they needed her the most.
She knew that Connor was devastated over losing Cutter. Everyone knew it. He was throwing himself into Cutter's work with no thought for his own well-being, like it was the only thing keeping him going. Abby was hiding her own grief by looking after Connor, putting on a brave face as she always did. Sarah, though she had not known Cutter for long, had still been hurt by his death and was spending every spare moment helping Connor and trying to continue what she and Cutter had started. Becker, although he would never say anything and was hiding behind a mask of stoicism, was a guilt-stricken mess who barely left the ARC, as if he could make up for what had happened to Cutter by driving himself into the ground protecting everyone else. Even Lester, who would likely deny any affection for Cutter until his dying breath, was coping with his own sense of guilt and grief by working even longer hours and maintaining his own mask of snarky disinterest.
Jenny had seen the way they looked at her sometimes, like she was their last line to sanity, and she knew what Danny must think. She felt responsible for them but how could she be their rock when she wasn't even strong enough for herself?
The team would be all right with Danny. He was a good man and he would take care of them. He was a bit reckless, true, but hadn't Cutter been as well?
"They'll be fine without me," Jenny said. She wished it sounded less like she was trying to convince herself.
"Yeah, they'll make a go of it, because they have to. But they've already had to say goodbye to one friend and they shouldn't have to say goodbye to you as well."
"That isn't fair. This is about me, not them. It isn't fair to try to guilt me into staying."
"But it isn't only about you," Danny insisted, shifting in place until his body was turned more towards Jenny. "Your decisions affect them and as much as you want to deny it, you owe it to your friends to consider them. You might be okay with kicking them when they're down but they still need you."
Jenny rose to her feet, nearly knocking over her glass as she set it down in haste. "Don't you dare think this was easy for me, that I don't care."
"I was maybe a little harsh," Danny allowed. "But that's how they're going to feel. They're going to think you didn't care enough to stay."
And Jenny wasn't thinking about Connor and Abby's young faces when she had said goodbye or their wide pleading eyes. She wasn't remembering Connor's distressed expression or the way Abby had bit her lip and forced a smile. "They know I-"
"Intellectually, yeah, they probably get it. But when someone leaves you behind you're always going to feel it."
Jenny sank back down onto the sofa, leaning her head into her hands. "All I wanted was a clean start, but it will never be clean, will it?" She finished the rest of her wine and poured another glass, passing the remainder of the bottle to Danny and forestalling his attempt to lay a hand on her back. It looked like they'd need the bottle he'd brought, after all.
The wine was certainly doing its job, making Jenny feel warm and loose. It was probably the reason why she wasn't surprised when Danny asked, "Were you in love with him?"
The wine was definitely the reason she answered, "No. Maybe. Oh, I don't know. Don't you see, that's half the problem! I don't know what to think any more. I don't know what I feel." I don't even know who I am any more.
"And running away is going to fix that how, exactly?"
"I'm not running!" Jenny said, bristling.
Danny rubbed the back of his neck doubtfully. "Okay, what would you call it? Hiding? Escaping?"
"It isn't like that! You don't understand. When I'm at the ARC, all I can see is Nick Cutter and Claudia Brown and I can't... I can't live like that any more. I need to move forward with my life and I'll never be able to do that when I'm surrounded by memories and regrets."
"Your idea of moving forward sounds a lot like avoiding what's actually wrong."
"I'm not avoiding, I'm just..." Forgetting. Except Danny had been right, she was never going to forget. "Oh, damn. It's no use explaining it to you when you'll never understand."
"Maybe I won't but Jenny, this isn't like you. You don't hide from your problems."
"You don't even know me."
"I know you well enough," Danny said, meeting her gaze squarely. "I know that you're better than this."
"Better than what?" Jenny asked, resigned, but admittedly curious to know how Danny saw her.
Danny paused for a moment before speaking, but not like he was trying to find the words. More like he wanted to make sure what he said resonated. "Letting someone else dictate your life."
Okay, maybe she would rather not have heard that. "And how am I doing that? I made this choice and I made it for myself."
"But you didn't, not really. You're letting yourself be controlled by Nick Cutter and Claudia Brown and I think you know that as well as I do."
Jenny wanted to yell, or maybe hit him, right in his stupid, expressive face. This decision had been hard enough without him judging her, without him making her doubt herself. She thought about arguing but it wasn't worth it. Nothing she said was going to change his mind.
And the worst of it was that she was afraid he might change hers.
Jenny emptied her glass. She knew she really didn't need any more wine, considering the mood she was in, but she brought Danny's bottle into the kitchen anyway. Danny followed after with the two glasses.
She popped the cork and then filled their glasses, taking a sip and savouring the Chianti on her tongue. She swallowed and said, "Damn you, Danny Quinn."
"What have I done now? Was it the wine? I knew I should have got a white."
"You're just doing what you've done since I met you. Being a pain in my arse and getting into everything you shouldn't."
Danny shrugged and tried to look modest. "What can I say? It's a talent."
"You can never leave anything alone, can you?"
"Maybe I just can't leave you alone."
Jenny blinked up at him, staring into his wide blue eyes. Oh, Christ. Too much wine, that was it. They had both had too much wine. "Danny, I'm…"
He stilled her with a hand pressed to her shoulder, his thumb rubbing against her skin. "No, wait. Listen. I know this is terrible timing and I know you're grieving and you're… you're lost, but Jenny, I care about you. That's all this is. I guess I… I just don't want you to leave me when we're only getting started."
A clean start, Jenny thought. That was what she had wanted. A way to move on and remember who she was without Cutter's ghost dogging her and Claudia Brown trying to slip underneath her skin.
But maybe she was wrong. Maybe it didn't have to be a break.
"If I leave," Jenny said, hesitating as she tried to work out if this was what she really wanted. "If I leave, it doesn't have to mean I'm leaving all of you."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Because you're my friends." It was easier now because Jenny knew this was right. She had never wanted to leave them behind anyway. It didn't matter if they were her team or not, because they were still hers. "You're my friends and no matter what, no matter what I'm doing, I care about what happens to you. I want to be there for you." She flushed a little as she realised how it all sounded, spoken straight to Danny's face, but it was too late to worry about that.
Danny's whole face had brightened and she loved that about him, he was so… alive. "You mean that?"
"Yes, I mean it. Of course I do."
He took the wine glass from out of her hand and set it down on the counter, next to his, and held her hands in his larger ones. "I suppose I still haven't convinced you to stay at the ARC."
Jenny smiled and squeezed his hands. "One step at a time."
She thought perhaps that should become her new mantra. A slow progression forward, moving on without Cutter, escaping the pull of Claudia Brown. If she simply took one thing at a time, she knew she would be all right.
And if Danny just happened to be there with her, helping her along the way, well, who knew what might happen?
End