A/N: This is a one-shot that has been sitting in my files for months now. I finally decided to post it! Hope you like!
The Blue Perfume
"Sweetie," River cooed softly, "Normally your sense of style is questionable at best, but this takes things to a whole other extreme."
"What?!" the Doctor exclaimed, "You think I chose to be covered in this, in this dye?"
"Well TARDIS blue as the color of your skin seems like more then a coincidence, Sweetie."
"Oi! those women attacked me and began to spray perfume on me!" the Doctor yelled, "I had no say in what they did! The perfume must have had some coloring dye in it that didn't agree with my timelord skin and dyed me blue!"
"Well, you look ridiculous," River informed him, "And what did the perfume smell like?"
"Like someone took a zoo and liquified it," the Doctor said.
"Hmm, I thought you smelled worse than normal," River smirked.
"Oi!" the Time Lord cried indignantly, "I'll have you know, I smell fine normally."
"What about a few weeks ago when you landed in that pile of manure?" River asked.
"I keep telling you, It's not manure! It was actually a substance comprised of-"
"Don't care, it was brown and smell funny."
"Wow Doctor... Yer blue 'n funny lookin'." Amy slurred walking into the console room in a zigzagging line. She giggled and fell gripping the console, "Wiver. Yer here. Di'in't know you were here."
The Doctor looked confused, "Amy, are you ill. You must be ill. You're slurring your words and, and, and, walking all funny."
River sighed. The young Doctor could be so clueless... "I diagnose Amy with the illness of drinking too much."
"Amy!" Rory called from the depths of the TARDIS confirming River's suspicions, "I found another bottle of champagne!"
Amy giggled and stumbled off to find her drunk husband.
"Will she be alright?" the Doctor asked genuinely concerned. 900 years of time and space and he had never seen people drunk before?
"Oh yeah," River laughed, "She'll have a right fit in the morning. Amy never does well hungover."
"You've seen Amy drunk before?" the Doctor's asked.
"Spoilers."
"Hmph." the Doctor straightened his bowtie and walked around the console pressing buttons at random that River had to unpress for him to stop them from being thrown into the void.
"Did the women spray your entire body?" River asked curiously.
"Yes!" the Doctor exclaimed, "They stripped me down and sprayed me with a thousand different bottles in the middle of the New New Zealand Empire!"
"There's something I'd like to see!" River gave him a little wink and a flirtatious laugh.
"What? Me naked, or, or, or, getting humiliated?"
"Can't a girl ask for both?" River smiled seductively.
"I-I-I... River!" the Doctor exclaimed.
River tossed her head back to let loose a hearty laugh. The Doctor looked extremely awkward and shuffled around as River continued to laugh at his discomfort.
"Maybe you could join the blue men group," River suggested, "Or you could go visit Dorian. People would assume your his son or something!"
"This isn't funny!" the Doctor exclaimed.
"It sort've is, sweetie," River laughed again.
Suddenly, right as River's laughter was dying down, the Doctor's legs gave out and he fell to the ground.
"Sweetie?" River asked.
The Doctor gave a small noise that sounded a bit like "Eurgh", and pulled himself to his feet by grabbing the console and pulling himself up.
"What's wrong?" River asked all humor disappearing.
"I-I-I think that the dye think have something timelords are allergic to in it..."
The Doctor once again collapsed on the floor of the TARDIS.
"You're burning up!" River cried feeling his forehead.
"I often have that effect..." the Doctor flirted.
"Sweetie, I'm sorry." River warned.
"Why?" the Doctor asked perplexed, "What What you going to- AHHH!"
River scraped her fingernail across the Doctor's hand taking a few layers of the blue skin with her.
"Again," River smiled, "very sorry."
She jumped up leaving the Doctor abandoned on the floor whimpering and clutching his scraped hand.
River flounced over to the console and scraped the flakey blue skin out from underneath her fingernails and into a scanner.
"Contents show origine from Quintile and Gallifrey." the machine recited.
"Inspect elements from Quintile." River commanded the computer. The contents from Gallifrey would just be the Doctor's skin.
"Elements include Seezninema, Durinopobonol, Wumteimsa, and Reiopantrrno."
"Are there any elements that a timelord is allergic to?" River asked the computer.
"Furtinopitinue, otherwise known as Fur, is a chemical found in Quintile, is a common allergen in Gallifrey."
"What are the effects of Fur?"
"Effects include fever, drowsiness, hallucination, and a state confusion."
"Great," River mumbled to herself.
"None of the effects last any longer then 24 hours."
"Well how do I get him to turn back to a normal color?" River asked.
"Seezninema, a blue substance found in Quintile, is a dye that can dye practically any organic substance. The effects last from 3 to 8 hours."
River switched off the scanner and said, "Alright Doctor, let's get you to bed so you can sleep this thing off."
"I'm so hot." the Doctor said.
"Your ego is way too big," River sighed helping him off the ground.
"No... I-I-I mean I'm literally hot."
The Doctor was sweating up a storm and his skin was hot to the touch. River grimaced. If Rory were sober he'd probably know what to do, because, as he constantly reminded everyone, he is a nurse. However, at this point, he and Amy were probably too drunk beyond a coherent sentence. River honestly didn't want to see them in that state.
"Well let's get you to bed and then I'll get you a nice cool towel to put over your forehead," River led him down the familiar hallways to his room.
"How do you know where my room is?" the Doctor asked.
"Spoilers," River cooed tucking the covers around the Doctor.
"I didn't get to ask earlier," River stroked the Doctor's hair off of his boiling forehead and went into the ensuite to wet a hand towel with cool water, "Have we done the Pandorica?"
"Mmmhmm," the Doctor hummed confirmed.
"1969?" River asked.
The Doctor shook his head and River stilled him so she could place the cool towel on his forehead.
This must be the Doctor from the time when he took her parents on their honeymoon through time and space.
"Sweetie, you stay put. I'm just gonna run and make you some tea."
"River!" he cried out, "Stay here."
"Alright," River sighed. The side effects must be starting.
"You're pretty River..." the Doctor slurred.
"Don't tell me something I already know, Sweetie," River sighed.
"I really like you River..."
"Doctor, you are sick and delirious and don't know what you're saying."
"I'm tired River..."
"Then how about you go to sleep?" River suggested.
"Will you cuddle with me?" the Doctor held out his arms as if River was going to crawl into them.
"Sure, Sweetie."
River climbed into the bed and the Doctor wrapped his arms around her and fell asleep almost instantly.
XOXOXO
"AH!" the Doctor screamed falling off the bed. River opened her eyes and saw him laying on the floor tangled in blankets, "What're you doing in my room!?"
"Sweetie," River sighed untangling him from the covers, "You asked me to, remember? You are sick. You had an allergic reaction to that perfume."
"Why're you calling me 'sweetie'?!" the Doctor backed away into the wall, "What's going on?!"
"Oh, good grief, you've lost your mind," River rolled her eyes, "I always call you sweetie."
"Noooo!" the Doctor screamed, "No you don't!"
"Yes, I do."
"Nope."
"Doctor," River felt like banging her head against the wall, "I'll stop calling you sweetie, alright? Just, get back on the bed and get some rest. Ok? You're sick and ill, and probably hallucinating."
"Rose!" the Doctor screamed, "You aren't making any sense! What is going on!"
River was shocked for a moment. He thought she was his old companion...
"Doctor," River said as calmly as she could, "I'm not Rose. Remember? I'm River."
"Whoever you are, get the bloody hell out of my bed!" the Doctor screamed.
"Oooh-kay!" River jumped off the bed, "Are you still blue, Doctor? I can't see, it's too dim."
"What do you mean, 'am I still blue'?" the Doctor asked, "I'm not sad. I'm not blue or whatever. What is going on?"
"Sweetie," River said, "Calm down. I'm leaving the room, see? Leaving the room. Ok? Get some rest. You're very sick."
"Noooooo!" he screamed, "Doooon't leave Rose! You promised foooooorever!"
River looked dumbfounded at the Doctor who was now crying. She could see well enough in the dark to see that he was still covered in blue.
"I'm not Rose," River continued to sooth, "I'm River, remember? River Song."
"The same River from the library?" he asked confused.
"Sure, sweetie. Now try and get some rest. Alright?'
"Ok..." the Doctor gave her one more confused look and hopped in the bed again snuggling next to River.
XOXOXO
"Wake up lovebirds!" Amy tossed a pillow at them. In a second the doctor snapped his hand back to his side and exclaimed, "We didn't do anything!"
"Doctor, I don't care about your sex life, but I want to see more planets and get a futuristic pill that cures hangovers!" With that Amy stomped out and screamed back to them, "If you're not done spooning in five minutes I'm gonna bring a bucket of ice water and dump it all over you!"
Amy didn't do well hung over.
The Doctor jumped out of bed and soniced his outfit clean. River did the same.
"RORY GET YOUR HEAD OUTTA THE TOILET!" Amy's screams echoed through the hallways of the TARDIS as River and the Doctor fiddled with the controls in the console room.
"Where were we parked overnight?" River asked.
"Just floating through the vortex," the Doctor answered.
"Wait," River said, "Amy and Rory got drunk and spent the night together in the vortex? During their honeymoon?"
"Er, yeah," the Doctor replied, "I think I'm going to have to hide the alcohol from now on."
"You are clueless sometimes," River sighed.
"Does this has to do with a spoiler?" the Doctor asked.
"Nope!" River said brightly, "But just out of curiosity, how much longer are you going to take Amy and Rory through time and space for their honeymoon?"
"Erm, I was going to drop them off later today," the Doctor replied, "Does it matter?"
"Have you spent any nights in the vortex before this?" River asked feigning innocence.
"No, why?"
"Just interested!" River replied brightly.
XOXOXO
Later that day, when River had been dropped off in her cell, she wrote another entry in her diary. She was almost halfway through the book.
'The Day the Doctor got Dyed Blue, He Thought I Was Rose, and Amy and Rory Got Drunk, Had Sex in the Vortex, and Probably Conceived Me While I Was Cuddling With the Doctor '
Hmmm, a lengthy title, but it summed up that adventure.