The D Word
Summary: Sometimes, divorce is the best option. Is it really? Nana K./Takumi. Future fic.
Spoilers: Everything, up to the chapters of the unfinished volume 22. Though, really, you only need to know that Satsuki and Ren are Takumi and Nana's children. Not much spoiler, beside that.
Rating: The T is only because of the divorce theme. The story is pretty safe, especially for something based on NANA. lol
A/N: So, I swear I was going to write something completely canon based. It ended up much more romantic, sappy and fluffy than I first wanted, but I still think it's kinda...believable? Well, just be nice. It's my first Nana fanfic and my first fic in English as well. Enjoy!
"Seasons come along and seasons go
And what they'll leave behind
I don't pretend to know
I'm afraid that all I have missed
Will loom very large when the darkness lifts"
Dandelion – Audioslave
They were in the kitchen. She had made tea (she always had to be doing something in order to feel useful), but he wasn't drinking. He had never been the kind of person to drink tea a lot.
"I think we should get a divorce." There. He had said it. Finally.
She didn't say anything, just kept staring at the bottom of her tea cup as if it was the most marvelous thing on the planet. She was remembering that in her parents' house too, all the important talks were done at the kitchen table.
"Nana?" He called after some time, without trying to mask the worry in his voice. God knows he would never forgive himself if she had some kind of nervous breakdown because he mentioned the D word. "Did you hear what I said? Are you okay?" She finally looked up at him, her huge warm brown eyes meeting his cold ones.
"Why…why do you want a divorce?" She was trying to act nonchalant and failing miserably. It had always been so easy to look through her. It still was.
"Isn't it what you want too? Plus, with me living permanently in London and you here…There is not much reason to keep this going, is there?"
He lighted up a cigarette while she took a big gulp of her tea. She didn't know what made her more nervous: the idea of getting a divorce or not getting one. Besides, their lives wouldn't even be the only ones affected.
"There's Satsuki and Ren. They…"
"They are not babies anymore, Nana, they will understand." He cut her fast, but not angrily. After years living together, she was used to this kind of behavior and it didn't upset her (much) anymore. She didn't notice how hurt he truly was that the only reason she could conjure up for them staying together were the kids.
"But did you know that children are more likely to suffer if their parents' divorce occurs during the ages of 5 and 10 than when they are babies?"
If the data impressed him in anyway, he didn't show.
"Nana…" Her name came up sweetly than he intended. He just wanted to stop her ramblings and instead he made her break down crying. Couldn't he ever do anything right where she was concerned?
"And what if…" She tried cleaning her tears, with little success. "...what if they blame themselves for…?"
Takumi's eyes were kind and knowingly and she felt a warmness in them that she hadn't in a long time. "They will be fine. They are stronger than you think."
She sniffled again, trying to stop crying. "They are, aren't they? We did a good job."
"You did. You're an amazing mom."
"You got the job done yourself." She said smiling and then she took a sip of her tea and added: "You are not a bad father, Takumi. You are the only one who doesn't see that. The way your face lights up when one of them walks into the room… The way you can play Barbie with Satsuki for hours and teach Ren how to play guitar with endless patience… I couldn't have asked for a better father for them. " She said, reaching for his hand. He took it out before she could touch it. He wasn't one for displays of affection, especially when he knew that what she was saying wasn't exactly true. She would rather have had her kids with him. He didn't want to think about that anymore than he already did, so he went back to the original subject.
"Then…do you want a divorce too?"
She seemed surprised by his abrupt change, but answered quickly. "Yes."
He nodded, satisfied, and reached for his bag on the floor next to his chair. "I took the liberty of asking my lawyers to make a draft of the divorce agreement. You should read it and if everything is up to your satisfaction we should be divorced in a couple of days." He handed a bunch of papers to her. "You'll get this apartment and a good allowance too."
She couldn't even disguise her surprise that he had everything ready. But, then, that was Takumi. He never did anything by halves and if he had asked her about a divorce, it wasn't a spur of the moment thing. Still, she was hurt and the words had come out before she even realized.
"I guess you and Reira must be on a hurry to get married, huh?"
"WHAT?" His surprise was unmistakable and, strangely, very satisfying.
"Oh, Schin said Reira was going back to London too and I thought that since there's nothing more holding you guys back… I'm sorry, was it a secret?"
"I have no intention of ever marrying Reira." It was his only answer.
Takumi, laconic as ever, she thought. Oh, well, I guess one marriage to a girl like me is more than enough during a life time.
There was an uncomfortable silence she wasn't used to anymore after that. She pretended to be reading the agreement's papers while he was staring at her expectantly.
"So, that's it?" She asked.
"Yeah, it is."
"Would you…would you like to stay for dinner?" She didn't know from where came the courage to ask. She felt the need to blush, as if she was asking him to come to bed instead. When he didn't say anything, she did blush and added: "You know, the kids should be home any minute now and they would love to see their daddy."
"Sure, if that's okay with you."
"Yeah, no problem, I always make a lot of food, anyway. Make yourself at home. Well, technically, it's still your home, so, you know, do whatever you want."
Instead of going to the living room, like she expected, he stayed in the kitchen while she cooked. It reminded her of the first time they met and it made her nervous.
"Those are not from Junko's family." He said after eating a couple of the tomatoes slices she had cut. Leave it to Takumi to understand about tomatoes.
"Oh, no, they are not. Somehow, there are never fresh tomatoes when I go there anymore. I think she is hiding them from me. So I have to make do with the supermarket ones."
"They are good, though." He said, eating a couple more.
The silence came back after that, but it was a much more comfortable one and it made her think they probably could have a good time until the kids came home. You know, good meaning "I don't wanna run away from here". But he had to go and say something. Damn Takumi. He spends most of his life saying one-word phrases and yet he couldn't stay quiet when she wanted?
"I bet Nobu will be happy now."
"WHAT?" Damn, she almost cut her fingers.
"Well, he won't have to be all secretive now when meeting you."
"Takumi, you are not any making sense."
He sighed, his frustration clear. Did he have to spell everything so she could understand? "I saw you two kissing, Nana. No reason for lying about it now."
"Oh." She was blushing again. If it hadn't to do with him, Takumi would find it kinda cute. Now, he just wanted to strangle her, because blushing was as good as a signed confession. "Takumi, that kiss…"
"You don't have to explain anything." She could feel the irritation and the hurt in his voice. Nana opened her mouth to say that she wanted to explain, because it wasn't what he was thinking, when her eyes were drawn to his hands clutching the table. A couple of years ago, when they first had met, he would already have unleashed his anger on her. Now he was trying to control it and hide it from her. Maybe the distance and the divorce were really better for both of them. She went back to cutting vegetables with extra strength.
Takumi took a beer out of the fridge and went back to his chair, quietly drinking it. She hated his ability to pretend nothing mattered, especially when she wasn't really sure if he was actually pretending or not.
She went back to cooking. How could she ever have thought that asking him to dinner was a good idea?
The phone rang and Takumi answered it before she could dry her hands.
"It's Junko." He said. "She and Kyosuke are asking if they could take the kids out for pizza before coming here."
"Pizza?" Her face fell. "But…But…I made all this food."
"They seem really excited. Satsuki and Ren, that is."
She sighed, defeated. "Fine. But they have to be home before ten! And I will kill both Junko and Kyosuke if anything happens!" She said, waving the knife at him to say she wasn't joking. He smiled and went back to the phone while she finished putting the food on the table.
"Junko? She says it's okay and that you should be back before ten or else she…"
"She will skin us alive, yeah, I know the Nana repertoire. But, Takumi…" She lowered her voice and he supposed whatever she was going to say she didn't want the kids to hear. "What the hell are you doing there?"
He always appreciated Junko's bluntness, but sometimes it was rather disconcerting. "We are having dinner. Just talking, Junko, nothing to worry about. Nana is fine."
"She better be." She made a pause and he could hear her breathing. "Don't break her heart."
"That's the one thing I could never do. It was never mine to break. Take care of the kids, Junko, we'll be fine."
"Is everything okay? You stayed a long time outside just to tell Junko to take the kids out." She asked when he entered the kitchen.
"Everything is fine, don't worry." He looked at the table, all set for two. And still, he had to ask. "Are you sure you want me to stay? I could go, if you want to."
"Don't be silly. As if I could eat all this food alone! Besides, aren't you missing a little Japanese homemade food?"
She smiled. This little, true smile she rarely gave him and he couldn't help smile back.
Dinner was…uneventful. And less tense than they expected. They talked about anything and nothing at all. Anything they could think about. Nothing that was important. He remembered they used to enjoy all these little moments together: having dinner, taking baths, combing each other's hair. Now they were one of these couples, walking on shaky ground. Well, pretty soon they wouldn't even be a couple. He had hoped they could at least be friends.
"So, how's Nana? Is she planning on staying here or is she going back to England too?" It was the first time he had brought the other Nana up. Takumi wasn't even a little bit naïve to blame her for how everything had turned out (he knew it was more his fault than anyone else's). He didn't like her (and honestly, the feeling was more than mutual), but mostly he was just jealous of the woman who had enraptured his soon-to-be ex-wife's heart so completely.
"She's staying at the 707 apartment. We haven't talked much yet, but I think she's here for good."
"That's good."
"Yeah, it is." She started cutting her fish but, instead of eating, went back to talking. "Takumi?"
"Yes?"
"I…I really wanted things to have worked out between us."
His eyes locked on hers and he didn't say anything for what felt like ages. Maybe he thought he could see what she really meant by looking hard enough.
"Me too." He finally said. He put his plate aside and started rising. "The food was great, Nana, as always. Thanks for the dinner."
Leaving her plate half-eaten, she started cleaning the table. She wanted to say something that would force him to stay, but the idea frightened her more than anything. What if he said no? What if he said yes? Maybe they couldn't make it work because love should never be this hard.
"You don't have to go, you know. You could stay, have a cup of coffee, wait until Ren and Satsuki come…" Look at her! She was practically begging.
"I don't think so. It will be better if I go. And I will be seeing them tomorrow anyway."
Her face fell and she tried to make up another excuse so he could stay. Those last times she and Takumi had been alone in the same room had all been so uncomfortable (outside the bedroom, at least). Nevertheless, she knew that the moment he passed the door, as if an already divorced man, it would be over.
"Takumi, I…" She couldn't believe her eyes were getting teary. She would NOT be crying over him again.
"Nana." His voice was soft and serious. The kind of voice you don't have a choice but listen to. "There are no reason for tears. I know you wanted a marriage that would be forever, a real love story. And I cannot say how sorry I am I was never able to provide that for you. But you can be happy now." He grabbed her arms and forced her to face him. "You. Can. Still. Be. Happy." She would have slapped him if she wasn't trapped in his arms.
"I know that." She said softly, barely more than a whisper, but with confidence. How could she make him understand that she knew she could be happy without him, but that she wanted to be happy with him?
He seemed relieved with her answer and let her go. "Good. Of course you know that. So, you can go live with Nana now. Isn't that a good thing?"
"I don't wanna go live with her." It was only recently that she understood that being friends didn't mean being joined by the hip.
"Right. Anyway, it's probably best. You and Nobu… "
"Could you stop talking about him? Just STOP! We are not together!" She screamed.
To say that Takumi was surprised would be an understatement.
"Right, you are not. And that kiss I saw was what? You just go kissing your ex-boyfriends on the streets all the time now?" He was furious now. It was probably good, though. It meant that he cared, right?
"It was JUST a kiss. A good-bye kiss. We knew we were not right for each other anymore. Maybe we have never been."
"Oh, you spend our whole married life wishing you were actually married to him and now what? Are you saying you are not soul mates anymore?" They were both screaming now.
"Why are you so worked up over this, anyway? You used to go kissing women all the time. Were you soul mates with each one of them?"
"Only one."
"Right, so you can GO MARRY HER and leave me alone."
"I am not talking about Reira, you silly woman!"
"Oh, is there another one?" She couldn't bear the thought she had lost to another woman too, besides Reira.
"You."
"Oh." She couldn't breathe. And she couldn't look into his eyes and see if really meant what he was saying. "Oh." Her brain seemed to have stop working.
"I should go now." He had gone there to give her the only thing he could to make her happy and instead he shocked the life out of her. Great job, Takumi.
He was half-way through the door when she got her voice back. "Wait!" She went to the door, but didn't make any movements to say he should come in. "I never wanted to be married to anyone else. And I liked being married to you. Except of all the cheating."
"I am sorry for the cheating."
"Me too." His eyes glimmered. "Hey! At least I never slept with anyone else. My cheating was all first-base stuff."
He chuckled and she had to fight back a laugh.
"This time, there cannot be any cheating." His eyes were full of emotion and surprise. Did he really think she would let him go after all that?
"No cheating."
"No cheating." She repeated. "You should come for lunch tomorrow."
"Lunch is good."
"Good. See you tomorrow." And, then, as she was closing the door, she added: "I really love you, you know."
"I know." He said getting into the elevator.
"I will ride by your side
Wherever you go
I won't run I won't hide
Just letting you know"
Dandelion – Audioslave
END