Sometimes I cry…
Why?
I've never felt quite like this before.
Nothing's changed though: absolutely nothing, and yet since that big deal with the Silurians there's been something niggling at me. Vincent Van Gogh noticed something was wrong too. He was an amazing man. He can see things others can't. I hadn't even noticed there was something wrong until then.
"You lost someone," he said. I know I haven't but there's someone inside me who's crying to me. I cried and didn't know why.
I've been crying a lot lately…
The Doctor's been acting all weird as well, since the deal with the Silurians. He's been quiet and he's doing everything I ask. I joked with him and said it was suspicious. He took me to Arcadia and the Trojan Gardens. I said he was being almost too nice to me and he took that weirdly, as though it was suspicious. I told him I was joking.
Why wasn't he?
What hurts so much?
Why won't he tell me?
I don't know. But I don't think it's coincidence that the Doctor only started acting weird after that Silurian thing. Something upset him and he's being really nice to me. Maybe he feels guilty about Nasreen or something and how he had to destroy her life's work. He seemed fine though until we got back into the TARDIS. Then he went all mopey. What's wrong? It's hurting me whatever it is. Vincent said so. But if I really am grieving over a loss like he said, why do I not know?
Tears fall…
…As though I've lost something…
…or someone…
…Someone I cared about.
He won't tell me, the Doctor. He avoids any conversation that makes no sense. When Vincent asked me why I was crying I didn't know but I think he did. He avoided it. He does that. He doesn't like talking about it.
Why?
Does he feel guilty?
Sad?
Sorry?
To blame?
I think I should know whatever it is. There's something that's hurt me but I don't know what. I've lost something close that I never wanted to lose: but it's something I can't remember. I don't understand. How can it be so important to me if I don't even remember what it was? My life is messed up.
Sometimes I cry.
I don't know why.
I am a time traveller. Whatever the Doctor said about the Cracks or whatever it can't harm me. I remember the clerics, right? I can't have forgotten. But something still hurts inside.
Why does it hurt?
Why do you cry, Amy?
I feel empty sometimes. It's like I was torn apart: not all the time (just some of it). It's in those moments I cry. I don't really know anymore. It confuses me. What's so wrong?
Who are you?
Why do I miss you?
Do I know you?
Sometimes I dream. Sometimes I dream there was someone. Sometimes I dream of someone I loved more than the Doctor. The only man I really love. He walked with me down by the river. He gave me a ring. He wanted me to marry him. Sometimes he's with me and the Doctor. He's amazing, gorgeous, funny, and I think I loved him too. I don't know who he is but it makes sense somehow. There's still something about him which makes me feel sad, although I'm always so happy with him. I'm not even sure if he's real. I wish he was sometimes.
This pain is too real.
I miss you.
What's your name?
I love you.
…Rory…
Then I wake up and everything is gone again.
Sometimes I cry…
And it's killing me.