Based off something that happened back in December. Wrote it as a vent thing. Just didn't post it until now.
Depression sucks.
Ichimatsu stands outside their house, staring blankly up at the gray sky. It's winter, so the temperature is cold, but it's still not cold enough that he'll freeze to death standing outside in just a hoodie.
He should know. He's been out here for a while.
Truth be told, he doesn't know exactly how long. Most likely a half hour at least, but it could be an hour by now. He isn't keeping track.
"Worthless, unburnable trash… Useless… Should have never been born…"
The exact same string of thoughts keeps cycling through his head. Has been since even before he came out here. Apparently, today his brain just really seems to want him to remember he doesn't deserve to be alive.
He's tired of it. He really is. He's tired of waking up, he's tired of going through the motions, he's tired of feeling like the single worst human being in existence. He's tired of wishing-no, believing-that he shouldn't exist.
Dropping his head, he stares at the street in front of him. It's completely devoid of cars; in fact, he seems to be the sole person outside right now.
If a car came by right now, he has a feeling he'd step in front of it. Then it could all finally be over; no one would have to put up with his miserable existence ever again.
But no car comes by. None have during the entire time he's been out here.
So he just keeps standing there, staring off into space, fighting down the odd urge he has to pull off his hoodie and potentially try freezing to death.
His mind feels like it's not even really under his control.
He's snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of the door opening behind him, and he curses inwardly.
"Not again."
"Hi, Ichimatsu-niisan!" It's Jyuushimatsu. He can tell without even looking; the cheerful tone gives it away. Although this time, that cheerfulness has an undercurrent of worry. Ichimatsu berates himself internally for that; they shouldn't be worrying about garbage like him.
"I told you, I'm fine," Ichimatsu says. "I just want to be outside for a while."
"I know, I know! It's just… dinner is going to be ready soon, so... We thought we'd let you know…"
Ichimatsu sighs. He knows that's just an excuse.
You've been outside for who-knows-how-long and we're worried about you.
"And, ah, if you're feeling bad or anything-"
"I told you, I'm fine."
"-We can talk, if you want," Jyuushimatsu continues, ignoring his brother. "But if you don't want to, that's fine! I just thought I'd let you know."
Ichimatsu nods wordlessly, casting his gaze back up to the gray sky as Jyuushimatsu walks over and stands next to him.
The two stand there quietly for a few moments, until Jyuushimatsu comments softly, "Homura-chan felt bad sometimes, too. Sometimes we talked about it, but other times she didn't want to, so we didn't. Just… we're here for you, ok?"
"…I know."
Jyuushimatsu nods, clearly satisfied with Ichimatsu's answer. They lapse back into silence, staring at the sky above.
Finally, Ichimatsu sighs. "Let's just… go in."
"Feeling better?" Jyuushimatsu asks, a note of hope in his voice.
The truthful answer is "no", but Ichimatsu nods. If he says "yes", Jyuushimatsu might pry, and he just doesn't want to talk right now. Lying is just the easier option.
Jyuushimatsu holds out a hand-or, more rather, the floppy hoodie sleeve that hides his hand-and Ichimatsu takes it after a moment's hesitation. With a bright grin, Jyuushimatsu heads back inside, pulling Ichimatsu in after him.
He's still cold, but it's ok. He's "fine". The feeling will pass, or, at least, the feeling will weaken. Life will carry on.
Even if he doesn't deserve it to continue.