She felt the whoosh of air behind her before she felt him. As Sakura turned around to talk to him, her eyes fell on his hurried figure - packing. "Kakashi?"
He didn't move to greet her, just went around his living room stuffing things into a travel bag that shinobi used on missions.
"What's going on?" She walked nearer to him, only to stop as he glanced over at her.
"Mission." Not alot of information, but the exact minimum that he could say. She understood the need to keep a mission under wraps. Letting someone know who wasn't directly involved was dangerous. Without waiting for any kind of answer, he moved to his bedroom to continue stuffing his bag.
A sigh bubbled up inside Sakura, but she swallowed her disappointment down. "How long are you going to be gone this time?" If she wasn't watching him, she would've missed the way his hand froze momentarily before shoving an extra shirt and some scrolls into his bag. Her brow furrowed in puzzlement as she closed the gap between them and brought her hands around his waist, letting a sly smile fall upon her face as she let her fingers play on his chest. "You know it's not against the rules to tell --"
Almost too quick for her to follow, Kakashi grabbed her wrists, escaping her hold and moving himself to another part of the room.
Puzzlement became worry as he dodged her question again. It wasn't like him not to tell her how long he would be gone. She did the same for him. It was mutual consideration for the other person. The answer of why he was ignoring her questions hit her like a swift kick to the chest.
The winter here is cold, & bitter
It's chilled us to the bone,
I haven't seen the sun for weeks,
Too long, too far from home.
I feel just like I'm sinking,
And I claw for solid ground,
I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
And oh darkness I feel like letting go.
"You're not coming back." Her voice broke towards the end as she said it.
Heaving a sigh he stopped his packing to turn to her, the scowl on his face prominent even through his mask. "Probably not."
Her hands shook as she felt for the bed, the shock of his statement making her dizzy. Sure, she had realized early on that every shinobi had an expiration date. But to take a mission like this knowing beforehand that it would most likely kill him, she couldn't stand it. "W-Why are you doing this." Stating, not questioning, knowing he probably wouldn't answer her anyways.
He gave her a small eye crinkle, knowing that she'd know it was a lie, but doing it anyway to convey that he was alright with the mission. "It's my duty." And with that said, he turned back to zip up the bag in his hand.
Taking a steadying breath, she focused on the back of his head. "What about... us?" She could feel her heart start to beat faster -- it always had in his presence -- and bit her tongue and urge to keep nagging him until he told her why he'd taken a suicidal mission.
Not even turning back to look at her, Kakashi made his way to the front door, leaving Sakura trailing behind him as if in a daze. Almost too quietly to hear, he responded. "There is no us, Sakura."
A hitch in her breathing let him know she'd heard. "B-But..." Sakura could feel the attack on her system, her heart to be more precise. It felt like with those four little words he'd wrenched it out of her chest and repeatedly stomped on it.
He turned to look at her with his bag on his shoulder and his hands stuck lazily in his pockets. "No strings, remember?"
Hurt spread thoughout her body as she recalled the day they'd started -- whatever it was that they had. It had started out as purely sexual; a way to release their anxiety, fear and depression over memories and missions. The key words were it started out. Somewhere along the line, she fell for him -- hard. They started going out drinking together, and that turned into training together, which then turned into them barely ever being apart from one another. Every one of their friends knew that if you wanted to find one, you were going to end up with both. Somewhere along the line, things changed. She had thought, foolishly, that it wasn't one-sided. But seeing him now, leaving without a hint of -- well, anything, made her amend that thought.
If all the of the strength and all of the courage,
Come and lift me from this place,
I know I can love you much better than this,
Full of grace,
Full of grace,
My love.
"Were you even going to tell me that you were leaving?" With barely a pause, she carried on her accusation. "If I hadn't been here, would you have even tried to find me and tell me that you were about to go get yourself killed or would you have let me worry and wonder what the hell had happened to you?" Pain laced her voice, making the words taste poisonous.
Kakashi didn't say anything, unable to lie to her face. He'd known that he wouldn't have told her, because someway or another she'd talk him out of going. His throat felt like it was swelling closed. It was almost as if he could hear the heartbeat that lulled him to sleep every night for the past year, sputtering and slowly dying. But, there was nothing he could do. It was better to end it now, he shouldn't have let it carry on as long as he had. But a part of him, and he didn't know how big a part of him it was, didn't want to let her go. Knowing after every mission that she'd be there to keep the nightmares away and kiss his eyes open each morning -- it was heaven. Pure and simple. And then an offhanded comment by Anko, put everything into perspective. He was holding her back. Fourteen years her senior. She needed something better than an old man with a scarred past.
It's better this way, I say,
Having seen this place before,
Where everything we say and do,
Hurts us all the more.
It's just that we stayed, too long,
In the same old sickly skin,
I'm pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
And oh darkness I feel like letting go.
If all of the strength and all of the courage,
Come and lift me from this place,
I know I could love you much better than this,
Full of grace.
It was as if someone had reached the climax of the greatest story they'd ever read, and knew, even though they kept reading til the end, that after the climax, the book was finished.
Not able to take her tear-filled gaze, he left though the door, letting the cold November air flow through and hit her slumping figure. As the sobs erupted from her throat, Kakashi leapt to the roofs. Knowing if he turned back just once, he'd go back and apologize -- beg her to forgive him and forsake the mission. But as he reached the gates, he stilled, and though he promised himself he wouldn't, he turned around to take in the country that he would die for.
Civilians were bundled in their jackets going from store to store. Children were making snowmen and throwing snowballs at one another. And the shinobi -- his friends... their friends -- were walking at a slow pace, taking in the snow.
This was why he did what he did for a living. This was why he had chosen to become a shinobi. To protect the people, the innocents, the love -- of their fire country.
A part of him knew that he loved Sakura, but the bigger part knew that this was his duty -- his mission -- and he'd see how it played out.
Turning back around, Kakashi nodded his goodbye to the guards and jumped to the trees. His only hope was that he survive this mission, and return to his beloved Konoha. And, maybe, if he returned from this, Sakura would be waiting.
I know I can love you much better than this,
It's better this way.