Thank You for Being an Enemy

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

When Jaylynn saves Lynne from drowning during a fishing trip, it leads to the two becoming friends. However, Lynne begins to grow obsessed with Jaylynn. Meanwhile, RK tries to bond with Anja.

1. Thank You for Being an Enemy Script

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day

SEASON 3

EPISODE 20

Airdate: June 14, 2015

Title: Thank You for Being an Enemy

Segway Segment: None

Special Guest Stars: Kira Kosarin as Lynne

SCENE 1

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is watching TV when Lynne walks down the stairs, heads towards the couch, pushes Jaylynn off and takes the remote.)

JAYLYNN: What the f*** is wrong with you?!

LYNNE: You were in the way, you should have moved.

JAYLYNN: I didn't know you were coming!

LYNNE: Oh, and that's my fault? Now, um, run along now, you're a little too young to be in my world.

JAYLYNN: I'm two years older than you, you little psychotic bitch.

LYNNE: Excuse me?

JAYLYNN: No, your elder is speaking, so shut the hell up and understand that I've had it with you. Every day I come here, it's the same old story. You sit there and run your mouth because you're jealous of how much your sister loves me. Sooner or later, I'm going to kick your ass. Whether you like it or not, I am GOING to beat the holy hell out of you until you're crying on the floor. And you're not going to do ANYTHING about it because that's just the way you are.

ANJA What's going on down here?

JAYLYNN: Oh, I was just threatening your sister because I'm sick and tired of her attitude.

ANJA: Guys, can't you just go one day without stepping on each other?

LYNNE: I can do that the minute she never comes here again.

JAYLYNN: And I can do that the minute I stomp her head in.

ANJA: Lynne, go upstairs, I need to talk to Jaylynn.

LYNNE: Great. I can only take five minutes of her anyway.

(Lynne walks upstairs, leaving Jaylynn and Anja in the living room.)

ANJA: Jaylynn, you have to learn to get along with my sister at some point. This is really starting to annoy me.

JAYLYNN: Annoy you?! What about me?! She's been a pain in the ass ever since I met her. She's the most disgusting person on the planet and you never say or do anything to fix it.

ANJA: Because I don't care what you guys do one-on-one. I just want you guys to get along.

JAYLYNN: Oh, that's just rich. I guess when Lynne becomes a prostitute and starts selling crack for fifty bucks, you'll hand wave that too, because it's just "her being her."

ANJA: You and I both know Lynne will never be a prostitute. My dad doesn't think that's real work.

JAYLYNN: You know what? I'm starting to wonder why I even come here anymore.

ANJA: What does that mean?

JAYLYNN: I mean, maybe it's better if I'm just gone. You know what that means, right? Gone, absent, lack of presence, no more Jaylynn Huie to use as a punching bag.

ANJA: No one uses you as a punching bag.

JAYLYNN: No, Lynne does. And I'm starting to think you do too.

(Jaylynn leaves the house and slams the door.)

ANJA: I can't believe that just happened.

LYNNE: Is she coming back?

ANJA: I don't know. But I think it's time you and I had a little talk.

SCENE 2

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky, Buster, and RK are watching TV while also consoling Jaylynn.)

BUSTER: So you just left?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, what else was I going to do? I hate going there now, I hate Lynne and now I think I'm starting to hate Anja.

SPARKY: Come on, Jaylynn, you know you don't hate Anja. You two have been best friends for a year.

RK: Yeah, you could always just beat up Lynne and hope for the very worst.

JAYLYNN: Anja would never let me put my hands on her. I would get in so much trouble.

RK: Hey, sometimes getting in trouble is a good thing. One time, I was caught smoking weed by KG. He decided that we should be weed buddies and we smoked together. I'm telling you, we went through so many blunts that weekend I never smoked again.

SPARKY: You didn't get in trouble.

RK: Yeah, but I learned my lesson. Right?

BUSTER: No.

JAYLYNN: No.

RK: See, this is why I like Wade, he always knows what to say. Come to think of it, I'm getting a little tired of you guys.

SPARKY: Well, we're getting tired of you, you son of a bitch!

BUSTER: Yeah!

RK: I'm just saying, this Anja situation has made me realize something. I'm not really friends with her.

JAYLYNN: This conversation took a really weird turn.

RK: Look, even though Anja says we're friends, we've never really talked to each other that much. I mean, other than Jaylynn, who else has really hung out with her?

BUSTER: No one, because there's no reason to. A long time ago, I thought about asking her out. Then I remembered she has that thing on her head so no...didn't even try it.

RK: I don't know. I mean, Anja could be looking for a new friend now that her and Jaylynn are toast.

JAYLYNN: Dude, we're not toast. My problem is with Lynne. Besides, I know you, RK. You and Anja have nothing in common.

RK: Well, I started hanging out with you. I had to have changed something.

JAYLYNN: Don't make me kick your ass.

RK: Seriously, try it. I'm waiting.

SPARKY: GUYS! Look, Jaylynn, maybe you should go back to Anja's house and straighten this out. I mean, you really don't want this to get worse.

JAYLYNN: I guess. It's not like I have anything to lose.

BUSTER: Or, you know, if you and Anja are still shaky, you could always hang out with like, Halley or Ashley or Gilcania. Because you do have a group, you know.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but Anja's the main one I talk to. I can't do what you do, Sparky. How do you talk to so many people at once?

SPARKY: You just do it. After that, you learn to accept your friends for everything they have to offer.

BUSTER: You know, I always felt like the best Nick live-action show from 2004-2007 was Ned's Declassified.

RK: Screw you, everybody knows it was Drake & Josh.

BUSTER: Show me your data.

RK: I'll data YOU!

JAYLYNN: I see what you mean.

(Sparky winks at Jaylynn and continues to watch TV.)

SCENE 3

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn and Lynne are on the couch while Anja walks around.)

ANJA: Okay, Lynne, we have been roommates for seven months. And Jaylynn, we have been best friends for more than a year now. You two are the most important people in the world to me, and I hate seeing you fighting.

JAYLYNN: It's really not fighting, it's straight up harassment that your sister does not realize.

LYNNE: My life is garbage because of you. I would be so much happier if you never showed up again.

ANJA: Well, we know what would make Lynne happy. Jaylynn, what would make you happy?

JAYLYNN: Kicking Lynne's ass, teaching her a lesson about respect, getting her to shut the hell up for the next ten years...yeah, give me that.

ANJA: Well, I can't make either of those things happen but I can help you two become friends.

JAYLYNN AND LYNNE: What?!

ANJA: Look, the reason why you two don't like each other is probably because you don't understand each other.

JAYLYNN: No, the reason I don't like Lynne is because she's an immature sociopath.

LYNNE: And I don't like Jaylynn because she's a weird, idiotic pig.

ANJA: Well, maybe talking to each other more can fix that. You two need to start bonding.

JAYLYNN: Bonding? Look, Anja, baby, I know where you're coming from, but this isn't Full House. You can't just solve everyone's problems in 22 minutes.

ANJA: What the hell are you talking about? That's all you guys do!

JAYLYNN: Hey, you can't prove that!

LYNNE: Anja, what do you possibly expect us to bond over? You want us to buy a tandem bike and ride cross country together with big, stupid smiles on our face?

JAYLYNN: No, she probably wants us to work at her grandpa's store so we can learn about responsibility.

LYNNE: No, wait. I think what she really wants us is for us to take care of an egg because being parents helps us be friends for some dumbass reason.

JAYLYNN: Or she'll probably lock us in the closet upstairs so we can "talk about our yummy in our tummy feelings."

(The camera cuts to a closeup of Anja, growing more and more annoyed.)

LYNNE: Wait a minute. I've figured it out. She wants us to go ON A FISHING TRIP!

JAYLYNN: WHAT THE F*** IS SHE THINKING?!

(Jaylynn and Lynne start cackling together while Anja does not move a muscle, facial expression unchanging.)

JAYLYNN: Wait a minute, why aren't you laughing?

(The next shot is of a disgusted Jaylynn and a disappointed Lynne standing outside of Anja's house, with fishing supplies in the trunk of Jaylynn's car. Jaylynn is holding up a fishing rod while wearing her outfit from "The Trip.")

JAYLYNN: I really, really hate my life.

SCENE 4

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK and Wade are watching TV together.)

WADE: So, I hear Jaylynn and Lynne are on a fishing trip.

RK: You heard right, they're headed to the lake right now.

WADE: Intriguing. Well, here's your chance.

RK: What, to get naked? Wade, you're my guest, I could never...

WADE: No, I mean, talk to Anja.

RK: How did you find out?

WADE: Buster.

RK: Blabbermouth. I don't know. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow, or next week.

WADE: I thought you were interested in hanging out with her.

RK: I am, but it's cold and flu season. You can't take a chance during cold and flu season. I mean, Anja could have a nasty skin condition right now. Look it up on MSN, they report that shit all the time.

WADE: Oh, I see. You're scared to talk to her.

RK: No, I'm not. I'm RK Jennings, the White Mamba, the king of the broads. Nobody's smoother around the ladies than me.

WADE: Intriguing.

(brief pause)

RK: Okay, fine, you want to hear me say it?! YOU WANT TO BREAK ME DOWN?! I'M SCARED, MAN! I'M SCARED!

WADE: Well, that was easy. RK, you've talked to Anja before.

RK: Yeah, but it's not like I've ever walked into her house and said, "Yo, homegirl, you wanna hang?" I mean, she's always been Jaylynn's friend. I don't know what to do.

WADE: Nothing. You just go over there, break off some of that RK charm and you two will be chums in no time.

RK: Yeah, I guess you're right. I can do this. Just stay calm.

(RK trips over himself before opening the door.)

RK: You, um...you might wanna leave now. KG's not home and I don't want him thinking we switched bodies or you killed me or something.

SCENE 5

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is driving towards the lake with Lynne as passenger. There are some shots of the car driving through the quiet, empty street as the lake is separated from the rest of the city.)

JAYLYNN: I can't believe this. I'm trapped in a cardboard box with the worst person ever created.

LYNNE: You know, I could say the same about you.

JAYLYNN: Can it, Saleh, I'm trying to pay attention to the road. I mean, really, a fishing trip? This is the kind of thing your dad does every weekend because secretly, he doesn't want you to turn out gay.

LYNNE: Look, I hate you and you hate me. Let's just go to the lake, pretend we actually did something and then go back home.

JAYLYNN: No, Anja's going to know. She expects back fish.

LYNNE: Well, you think of something. I'm going to watch The Thundermans on my phone.

JAYLYNN: Well, I guess it's obvious who the smart one is now.

(Lynne gives Jaylynn a disgusted look.)

LYNNE: Don't make me smack you.

JAYLYNN: DON'T MAKE ME SMACK YOU?! IF ANYTHING, YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE ME SMACK...oh, we're here. You are so damn lucky we're at the lake now because I would have gone Scarlett Johansson on your ass.

LYNNE: Mm-hmmm.

SCENE 6

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Anja is reading Macbeth by William Shakespeare when RK knocks at the door, to the tune of Brock Lesnar's entrance theme.)

ANJA: Come on in. Whoever you are.

(RK walks in with a smile.)

RK: Hey Anja.

ANJA: Oh, I knew it was one of the guys. Hey RK. Um, if you're looking for Jaylynn, she's not here.

RK: I know that.

ANJA: Lynne's not here either. You looking for Lynne?

RK: Hell no. I'm looking for you.

ANJA: Me?

RK: Yeah, you. I was thinking we could hang out, pal around, play with ourselves. I mean, each other.

ANJA: Really? Well, I don't know why, we've never hung out with each other.

RK: That's why we should start now. I mean, come on, Anja, you always talk to Jaylynn. When was the last time you ever talked to me? Or Sparky or Buster or Wade?

ANJA: Um, carry the two, square root of Jaylynn...I would say a while ago. Well, Buster came here the other day because he forgot what you call the thing I wear on my head.

RK: Wow, Buster played hardball from the start.

ANJA: RK, I would love to hang out, but I'm reading Macbeth for school. And I need some concentration. Which means I can't talk to anyone. Including you.

RK: What are you talking about? I'm a Shakespeare nut. I've read all the classics. You know, some people say he was the great American author.

ANJA: Funny since he's from England. But okay, Shakespeare nut, tell me what you know about Macbeth.

RK: You say what now?

ANJA: You heard what I said. If you can describe to me the events of Macbeth as comprehensively as you can, you can stay.

RK: Alright. Piece of cake, easy peasy, lemon squeezy, pie on a hot tin roof, Fiddler on the Roof, A Streetcar Named Desire...

ANJA: Hello! Would you just explain the book, man?

RK: Right. Well, one day, Macbeth is walking. He's walking for hours and hours and hours until he sees some witches.

ANJA: Alright, you have some first grade knowledge.

RK: Right. You see, the witches tell him that he's going to become a teacher at Pennbrook University and treat his students like equals. Then he's going to make a move on Topanga, but Macbeth doesn't believe that last part. Lady Macbeth is too late to save him, so Macbeth goes inside Rachel's drawers and finds her diary, then he lifts up Duncan for the "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" dance and burns him alive. You know how he burns him? With candles in Duncan's dorm room. All that's left is Shawn's dad, who Shakespeare killed off for no reason at all.

(long pause)

ANJA: Please leave.

RK: Where's the door again?

SCENE 7

Bear Lake

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn and Lynne are sitting around bored trying to angle up some fish, but neither of them are successful.)

JAYLYNN: It's been 25 minutes, where the hell are these fish?

LYNNE: How would you expect me to know that? Do I look like the keeper of aquatic life to you?

JAYLYNN: I wasn't asking you, bitch, please don't talk to me. It's bad enough I'm on this trip with you. But you have to sit next to me, and breathe near me. Your awful, vile Lynne breath.

LYNNE: Yeah, like you're one to talk. You look like a Sea World employee.

JAYLYNN: At least I didn't come here dressed like that.

LYNNE: I wear this as a symbol of my religion.

JAYLYNN: Then you should have stayed home with your symbols, because I don't give a damn about you.

LYNNE: You know, I'm sick and tired of this back-and-forth with you. I'm sick and tired of seeing you all the time.

JAYLYNN: Really?

LYNNE: Really. Do you realize that before you came along, Anja and I were best friends? We did everything together. We went out for ice cream, we made up our own handshake. We even ate from the same plate. Then after a while, it got really weird so we stopped but the point is I had a life with my sister. But now, every day I walk down the same steps, it's you doing all that stuff with her. I always have to hear about what Jaylynn did or how cool Jaylynn is or that unfunny joke Jaylynn just came up with. My life is shit now because you have to be up Anja's ass 24/7.

JAYLYNN: Oh, don't come crying to me about having a crap life. Having a crap life is walking in on your unconscious mom because she drank herself to death. Having a crap life is knowing your dad abandoned you twice. Having a crap life is almost killing yourself because you blamed yourself for something you had no control over. I don't have a family, Lynne. The guys, Anja, those people are my siblings. You know absolutely nothing about my life. If we were back in Portland where I used to live, I would have already stomped your head into the ground but I can't do that because I respect Anja too much.

LYNNE: Jaylynn...

JAYLYNN: Don't interrupt me, I'm not done yet. You see, the thing is I tried being friends with you but you threw it back in my face because of your disgusting jealousy of me. You're Anja's little sister. No matter what, at the end of the day, you're still number one and she's going to put you ahead of me. But you can't see that because you're just that awful of a person. I understand where you're coming from, but until you stop being a selfish little prick, you and I have nothing to talk about.

(Jaylynn walks away for a brief moment, takes in a deep breath, then comes back and continues fishing.)

LYNNE: So, you really feel that way about me?

JAYLYNN: Yup.

LYNNE: Well, I guess you're right. I mean, it's not like I have that many friends.

JAYLYNN: Who does? Everyone knows only celebrities have more than one friend.

LYNNE: I'm serious, Jaylynn. Maybe I have taken it too far, but I just can't...

(The board that Jaylynn and Lynne are sitting on breaks off and the two fall into the lake. Jaylynn manages to pick herself up instantly, but Lynne flails around not knowing what to do.)

LYNNE: PLEASE HELP ME, I CAN'T SWIM!

(As Lynne begins to float away and the lake becomes deeper, Jaylynn thinks for a second.)

JAYLYNN: Hmmm, Lynne drowning.

(Jaylynn imagines Lynne scrambling to get back to the surface, and flips her off in response. She then walks away and drives out of sight. At home, she tells Anja what happened and ends up getting assaulted by Anja for letting Lynne die. At the funeral, Anja continues crying while Jaylynn shrugs and outstretches her arms at the camera.)

JAYLYNN: Alright, I'll do the right thing.

(Dramatic background music plays as Jaylynn dives into the lake to save Lynne, who begins crying and breathing heavily. She reaches Lynne and starts swimming back to the surface, using all her weight to pull Lynne out of the lake and carry her towards the car. Lynne starts coughing and holding back tears while Jaylynn tries to collect herself.)

LYNNE: I...I could have died in there if you didn't save me.

JAYLYNN: Look, Lynne, it was nothing, I just...

(Lynne hugs a surprised and slightly bewildered Jaylynn.)

JAYLYNN: Um, what's this about?

LYNNE: Jaylynn, I'm sorry for every mean thing I've ever said or done to you. You're the bravest person ever and I don't want to be a bully anymore.

JAYLYNN: So what are you saying?

LYNNE: I'm saying I want to be friends with you. For real.

JAYLYNN: Well...I can't...

(From Jaylynn's P.O.V., we see a big smile from Lynne, soaking wet.)

JAYLYNN: Sure, let's be friends.

LYNNE: Yay! Thank you so much for saving me!

JAYLYNN: Sure thing.

(Jaylynn continues to look slightly confused.)

SCENE 8

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn's car pulls up outside of Anja's house at night. Anja is shown taking a nap in the living room without her hijab on and is slightly startled when she sees Jaylynn and Lynne walk into the house laughing.)

JAYLYNN: I mean, the second time it happened, it was funny, but the third time, I just lost it.

LYNNE: You know what? That reminds me of the time one of Anja's friends came over and she fell down the stairs.

JAYLYNN: Mm-hmmm.

LYNNE: At first it wasn't funny, but then she fell down again and I was just cracking up.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, as long as it isn't you getting hurt, you know?

LYNNE: Oh, hell yeah.

JAYLYNN: Hey Anja. How goes it?

ANJA: Fine, but you two seem to be getting busy right now.

JAYLYNN: Definitely. See, in the car, we both agreed that Taylor Swift was getting annoying, but now, we're in love with her again. 1989, man...that was gold.

ANJA: Yeah, it was a hot album. So did you two catch anything?

LYNNE: Kinda. Jaylynn caught me.

ANJA: She what?

LYNNE: I'll tell you about it later. In the meantime, I have to meet with the toilet. Jaylynn, I'll be right back.

JAYLYNN: Alright. Fresh Prince starts in 20 minutes.

LYNNE: I'll be there!

ANJA: Well, it looks like my fishing trip idea brought you two together.

JAYLYNN: No, a near-death experience brought us together.

ANJA: What?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, here we are yelling at each other when all of a sudden, the board under us cracks and Lynne starts drowning. I jumped in, saved her, and now we're friends.

ANJA: Oh my God, is she okay?

JAYLYNN: She's in one piece, Anja. You know, I never noticed it because I've always hated her, but Lynne is really cool. We have a lot of things in common.

ANJA: Well, I'm glad you two are finally getting along.

JAYLYNN: I am too. I guess that makes two awesome Saleh girls.

ANJA: Oh, stop it.

(imitating Bill Murray) JAYLYNN: Well, you know, I compliment people, so I've got that going for me.

(Anja starts laughing and Jaylynn turns on the TV.)

SCENE 9

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(RK is watching TV with Buster and Wade.)

WADE: So how was hanging out with Anja yesterday?

RK: Oh, Wade, you would have been embarrassed to know me, it was a disaster. The last time I failed this bad, I was running that condiment stand.

CUTAWAY GAG

(RK is operating a condiment stand on the curb of his house. The name of the stand is "Condims For Sale," along with "1.00" on the side.)

RK: Get your condims here, condims for sale! Condiment island, I got your ketchup, your mustard, your mayonnaise, your relish, your sriracha, your salsa, your honey mustard. You need it, I got it, playas. Come on, you can put these condims on anything you want. Promote safe eating habits. Come on.

(RK sees Gilcania walk by.)

GILCANIA: Hey RK.

RK: What's up, Gilcy? Hey, you want to buy some condims?

(The camera cuts to a shot of Gilcania's confused open-mouthed stare.)

END OF CUTAWAY

RK: That nickname never caught on. Guys, we need to realize something. Anja only likes us because we're Jaylynn's friends.

BUSTER: That's weird. She seems to like me.

RK: Yeah, she...wait, what?

BUSTER: Yeah. This morning, I went over there because I wanted to make sure I'm pronouncing her name right. Then we started talking about some other stuff and it just took off. Ah, Anja. She has the cutest voice, you know?

RK: Was I mentioned at any point?

BUSTER: You were, actually. I said that I wanted to be like her when I grow up. Then she laughed, I said sorry because it sounded stupid and she said, "Well, at least you don't make it awkward like RK."

RK: At least you don't...oh. Okay. I see what's going on here. You see, there was a time where I hated Anja but I think that time is now. Maybe certain people like Anja should step up and make these comments to my face. Maybe I should dust off my OLD FRIENDS MR. BEAN (looks at his left hand) AND TINY TIM (looks at his right hand)...AND MARCH OVER TO ANJA'S HOUSE SO WE CAN RUMBLE...

BUSTER AND WADE: NOOOOOOO!

(Buster and Wade pull RK back down to the couch)

RK: Guys, I know you want to protect me from life, but you have to cut the cord sometime.

WADE: RK, you're not seriously thinking about fighting Anja, are you?

RK: Of course not. I was just going to go over there in a violent manner and have a physical argument with her, which will result in my triumph.

BUSTER: I'm pretty sure that's what fighting means.

RK: Wow, it's bad enough you have to score with Anja, now you're giving me a Martha Speaks lesson.

WADE: Look, RK, maybe Anja likes Buster more because of his approach.

RK: Oh, forget it. What's the point anymore? She hates me.

WADE: She doesn't hate you. She probably wants to be friends with you, but she can't because of your...style.

RK: What?

WADE: Alright, how can I express this? Anja and your current approach mix like...Mozart and Salieri, like Galileo and religion, like 70s cartoons and creativity. It just doesn't work right now.

RK: So what you're saying is, I just need to talk to Anja in a cooler way. The way I'm talking to you guys right now.

WADE: Exactly. You shouldn't need to impress her.

BUSTER: Yeah, man. I don't think about half the things I do, and after a while, it really starts to pay off. Also, word of advice: If you're going to Applebee's at 8pm and staring at other people's food, you better buy something.

(RK and Wade give each other concerned looks.)

SCENE 10

The Saleh Household

Interior Lynne's Bedroom

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is looking at Lynne's trophy case.)

JAYLYNN: Wow, I guess talent runs in the family. Look at all these awards.

LYNNE: Thanks. Of course, there are some that I'm not proud of.

JAYLYNN: No way.

LYNNE: Yes way. Like this one. (Lynne picks up a bowling trophy) "Excellence in Participation in Junior PBA."

JAYLYNN: How can you achieve excellence in participating in something?

LYNNE: You can't, really. They just give out these awards so kids won't feel bad about themselves.

JAYLYNN: What about that plaque up there?

LYNNE: What, this bronze one? This is just a replica of a plaque from the eating contest in Vancouver. I tried applying for it, but Anja told me I would probably get eaten myself.

(Jaylynn chuckles.)

JAYLYNN: Kids.

LYNNE: You know, I'm really glad we're spending time together, Jaylynn. I feel really good when I'm around you.

JAYLYNN: Really? Two days ago, you talked about vomiting in your mouth whenever you saw me.

LYNNE: Well, that was before I realized what an amazing friend you are.

JAYLYNN: Awww, Lynne, you big softie.

(Jaylynn's phone vibrates and she gets a text from Ashley. It says "Are you coming or what?")

LYNNE: Someone text you?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, Ashley. I'm supposed to meet her and Sanna at the mall. We hang out sometimes. Not always, but sometimes.

LYNNE: Well, I thought WE were hanging out together.

JAYLYNN: I mean, we were, but I already made plans. And when you make plans with Ashley Rodriguez, you better come through.

LYNNE: Okay, fine, go.

JAYLYNN: Are you sure? I don't want you to be lonely.

LYNNE: It's okay. We can hang out later.

JAYLYNN: Alright.

(Jaylynn walks away and notices a look of disappointment on Lynne's face. She texts Ashley "Sorry, I have to stay here with Lynne" and sends it.)

JAYLYNN: You know, it turns out Sanna got sick at the last minute so we have to reschedule. You know Sanna. Her having all that money and getting sick and junk.

LYNNE: Wait, so we can hang out for the rest of the day?!

JAYLYNN: Hell yeah.

LYNNE: Yay! I mean, that's cool.

(Jaylynn looks to the side, a little confused. Meanwhile, Ashley is reacting to the text while Sanna's drinking fruit punch in the background.)

ASHLEY: Did you know Jaylynn's hanging out with Lynne?

(Sanna drops her fruit punch and starts coughing in shock.)

SANNA: No, seriously, what's going on?

SCENE 11

(RK and KG are walking through the streets of Seattle while KG is bouncing a green rubber ball.)

RK: I don't know, KG. I mean, I've never wanted to be friends with Anja before. I wonder why.

KG: You have repressed feelings for her that you're not even sure about yourself?

RK: Ewwww, no. It has to be something else. You ever talked to her before?

KG: Yeah, like once or twice. I remember I came over to Jaylynn's house and she was just sitting there. She was actually really rude. I don't know if she was in a bad mood or not, but the minute I started talking, she didn't even stare in my direction.

RK: Hmmmm. What's to be done with this Anja Saleh?

KG: I don't know, man. You don't need people like that in your life. I mean, you have great friends, a great girlfriend, a cat that you remember to feed sometimes. What else could you want?

RK: Suede?

(KG gives RK a side glance and RK ends up bumping into, of all people, Anja.)

RK: Sorry Anja.

ANJA: Yeah, it's fine.

RK: Also, Anja, I want to say sorry for what happened yesterday. I just wanted to be funny so you would think I'm cool.

ANJA: You would have been really cool if you were able to tell me what you know about Macbeth. But it's okay. We can just talk when it's necessary and be done with it.

RK: What are you talking about?

ANJA: RK, we don't have anything in common. I don't even understand why you're so into me anyway. I mean, what, you take one look at me and you see Selena Gomez?

RK: No. I was just interested in being friends with you. But hey, why waste my time, huh? I mean, with you, you're so bland and uninteresting you probably bore yourself on a daily basis.

KG: Oh, dude, you're losing it.

ANJA: Yeah, this coming from the guy who thinks a good time is watching old sitcoms. I hate to burst the bubble that you live in, RK, but not many kids your age know jack shit about Who's the Boss!

RK: That's not even my favorite old sitcom, you twit. At least I'm not stuck up with my pinky up and my nose up the ass of anyone who's just like me. Here's a hint, Anja: When you pick your friends, try to also talk to people from different genders, you weirdo!

ANJA: Well, I don't go skipping down the street letting everybody know my business like I'm from Hollywood. I take care of things, simple as that.

RK: Well...what are we talking about?

ANJA: I don't know. Hey, you want to go see a movie tomorrow?

RK: Yeah, sure.

ANJA: Okay, I'll call you later and we can...iron out the details.

RK: Um, alright?

(RK and Anja both walk away confused.)

KG: Okay, what the hell was that?

RK: Don't know, bro, don't know.

SCENE 12

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

(The kids are being let out of school and Jaylynn is putting in her headphones when she sees Lynne waiting for her by her car.)

JAYLYNN: Are you kidding me?

(Now annoyed, Jaylynn tries to hide it as she walks up to the car.)

JAYLYNN: Hi Lynne.

LYNNE: Hiya! I waited for you because I got out of school early today. Where do you want to go?

JAYLYNN: Well, I'm going home, Lynne. Going to spend some quality time there.

LYNNE: Right, right, no paparazzi. Yeah, I could hang out at your place.

JAYLYNN: No, I mean, it's just a Jaylynn thing. Meaning you can't come.

LYNNE: Oh, it's just you. Quality time by yourself. Or with Anja.

JAYLYNN: What?

LYNNE: Oh, don't act all innocent with me, missy. I know you're planning to call Anja over so you two can make out or something.

JAYLYNN: I'm not calling anybody over to make out...or something. I want a nice, quiet afternoon at home so just leave me alone, okay?

LYNNE: Okay, fine. Fine, go on, have some quality time without me. BECAUSE WE'RE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE!

JAYLYNN: Oh, f*** me.

LYNNE: Wait, Jaylynn, I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. Don't be mad.

(Jaylynn speeds off as soon as she can, and Lynne stands around awkwardly for a few seconds.)

LYNNE: Oh no! She either didn't hear me or she's devastated! JAY, WAIT UP!

(Jaylynn continues driving when she sees Lynne running towards the car from the mirror.)

JAYLYNN: WHAT THE F*** IS SHE DOING?!

LYNNE: JAY, HANG ON, I WANT TO WORK THINGS OUT! LET'S FORGET ABOUT THE PAST, JAY! I LOVE YOU!

(Jaylynn starts sweating as she frantically struggles to speed up the car. She eventually does right before Lynne can get close enough, and cackles in victory.)

LYNNE: She didn't hear me. She's gone forever. (Lynne starts weeping softly) Wait, I can just catch the bus.

(rapping "Rapture" by Blondie, which is playing on the radio) JAYLYNN: "Fab Five Freddy told me everybody's fly/DJ's spinning, I said "My, my"/Flash is fast, Flash is cool/Francois sais pas, Flashe no deux/And you don't stop, sure shot/Go out to the parking lot..."

(Jaylynn stops rapping along when she sees Lynne waiting for her at the curb with a big smile on her face.)

JAYLYNN: Lynne, how did you get here so fast? And why the hell do you keep following me?!

LYNNE: I took the bus. Please don't leave me again! I'm lonely, DON'T LEAVE ME!

(At that point, Lynne embraces Jaylynn. Jaylynn sighs as "Big Time Theme Song" plays in the background, having no idea what to do or what to say.)

SCENE 13

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is at lunch with Sparky, Buster, and Wade.)

JAYLYNN: It was so creepy, guys. She followed me home and made it there before I did. Then I had to hang out with her all night. It was awful.

BUSTER: Why? I thought you liked Lynne now.

JAYLYNN: I do, but she's so clingy. If I knew this was going to happen, I would have let the bitch drown.

(The boys all give Jaylynn a look of disapproval.)

JAYLYNN: I'm sorry, that came out wrong. What am I going to do? Lynne as a friend is more annoying than her as an enemy.

SPARKY: Jaylynn, you need to be open and honest with the kid. Do you like her?

JAYLYNN: Well, yeah. I mean, she's really cool, I just need some space.

SPARKY: Then tell her that and she'll listen to you.

BUSTER: Does Lynne have any friends? Like, at all?

JAYLYNN: She has a couple, but according to Anja, she only talks to them at school.

BUSTER: Sounds like a real dork.

JAYLYNN: Hey, don't call Lynne a dork, you bastard! She's my friend!

WADE: Why are you attacking Buster? You just called your new friend a bitch.

JAYLYNN: I don't know, I have conflicting emotions and THE WORLD IS NOT FAIR! (Jaylynn starts fake crying into her hat) WHY COULDN'T I HAVE BEEN LIKE THE GIRLS ON MTV?! IT'S NOT LIKE THEY HAVE ANYTHING TO LIVE FOR! Wait a minute, where's RK?

SPARKY: Oh, he's talking to Anja on the phone.

JAYLYNN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow that down a bit. RK is talking to Anja on the phone?

WADE: Yeah. They're friends now, I think.

RK: Guess what, guys? Anja's coming to my place today after school! Little old me and Anja in the same place!

JAYLYNN: Watch him. I want to know everything.

SPARKY: I have homework.

JAYLYNN: Okay, then you guys watch him.

SCENE 14

The Jennings Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

RK: Anja, is that slice of pizza yours?

ANJA: How could it be? It was here when I came. You know, it takes effort to be that dumb.

RK: It takes effort to be a jackass too.

(Buster and Wade are openly disturbed by RK and Anja's conversation.)

ANJA: Good show.

RK: Yeah. I like the subtext, the wit, the references.

WADE: Guys, this is Casper and the Angels.

RK: Really? Oh, I'm just keeping track of how many times they mention space.

ANJA: You should probably get knocked to outer space.

RK: Why don't you go into space? I'll give you a space hammer so I can space you up there.

ANJA: That doesn't even make any sense, you loser!

RK: YOU'RE A BIGGER ONE!

ANJA: YOU'RE THE BIGGEST ONE I KNOW!

WADE: WHAT THE F*** IS GOING ON?!

ANJA: Oh man, now I have to use the bathroom. Where's it?

RK: Upstairs to the right. Don't get lost on your way up there.

ANJA: Oh, shut up. Hey, could you be a little gemstone and tape this show?

RK: Sure thing.

(Anja walks upstairs leaving the boys to themselves.)

RK: That Anja, huh?

BUSTER: RK, are you a sadist?

RK: What are you talking about?

WADE: Dude, you and Anja are just tossing insults back and forth like it's actually funny.

RK: Well, yeah. That's how we bond.

BUSTER: You bond by saying mean things and being sarcastic?

RK: Yes. It's not the perfect friendship, but it's our friendship.

WADE: You two don't have a real friendship. It's just based off of awkwardness and you not admitting it's not going anywhere.

RK: That's not true. Anja and I know a lot about each other.

WADE: Yeah? Well, what's her middle name?

RK: I don't know. Um...Pappy Joe?

BUSTER: It's Rameen. She told me.

RK: Oh my God, you guys are right. Buster knows Anja better than I do. We have nothing. All we do is buddy stuff and rip on each other. She doesn't even know my most profound opinions on topics like war, politics, black-on-black crime, or sex.

WADE: It's time to end it. Some people just aren't meant to be friends. Like you and me.

RK: What the hell are you talking about, we're best friends.

WADE: Well, you and Buster.

BUSTER: We're also friends.

RK: Wade, are you...are you trying to set up a cutaway?

WADE: Yeah, it didn't work.

SCENE 15

The Saleh Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn and Lynne are sitting on the couch.)

JAYLYNN: Lynne, you and I need to talk about something.

LYNNE: Before we do, I have something to show you that's gonna blow your mind. Come with me.

(Lynne takes Jaylynn upstairs and leads her to her room. Right above the headboard, several pictures are shown of Jaylynn by herself or Jaylynn and Lynne together. In the middle is a big picture of Jaylynn and Lynne dancing, and "My Sistah Forevah!" is written on a strip of paper in purple Crayola marker right above the pictures.)

JAYLYNN: Dude...

LYNNE: I know, right? Just a little shrine to my best friend in the whole world.

JAYLYNN: Where did you get all these pictures? And that picture in the middle was never even taken!

LYNNE: Okay, negative Nancy, have it your way. Just appreciate the gesture.

JAYLYNN: Lynne...do you have a crush on me?

LYNNE: No, of course not. I like guys.

JAYLYNN: Then what's with all of this attention? I don't mind being friends, but you're taking it too far and I don't like that. You need to start respecting my space.

LYNNE: I just don't think you're comfortable with our relationship yet.

JAYLYNN: STOP TALKING LIKE THAT, WE'RE NOT F***ING DATING AND YOU BETTER CUT THIS SHIT OUT BEFORE I...

(Jaylynn takes a close look into Lynne's face and it morphs into Anja's)

JAYLYNN: Whoa, baby.

LYNNE: Is everything alright, buddy?

JAYLYNN: I don't feel so good so I'm going home.

LYNNE: Do you want some medicine? It's in our medicine cabinet.

JAYLYNN: NO, IT'S FINE, LYNNE. BYE!

(Jaylynn walks out of the room and Lynne stands around awkwardly for a few seconds.)

LYNNE: Alright, bye!

SCENE 16

The Hernandez Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is watching TV when Anja walks in the house.)

ANJA: You wanted to see me?

JAYLYNN: Yeah. Anja, sit down. (Anja sits down on the couch right next to Jaylynn.) Anja, I don't know how to say this, but, um...your sister wants to grind my macaroons.

ANJA: What?

JAYLYNN: Lynne is creeping me out to the tenth degree so I really need you to step in and do something. I'm not sure if she understands what being lesbian is, but I'm getting that vibe from her.

ANJA: Jaylynn, why can't you just leave well enough alone?

JAYLYNN: WHAT?!

ANJA: You and Lynne are finally getting along and you still have to find something to complain about. It's not easy for her to make friends, she's always been a little awkward.

JAYLYNN: A little awkward?! Anja, a little awkward is telling a racist joke at lunch and screwing up the punchline. This is called BEING A STALKER. I can't win with this girl. We're enemies, she's a sociopath. We're friends, she's an obsessed weirdo. If I didn't know any better, I would think she was doing all this just to f*** with me.

ANJA: I'm pretty sure you're overreacting right now.

JAYLYNN: No, I'm not. Quit making excuses for your sister. She acts like a brat because you let her act like that. What if her mouth gets her in trouble with someone who won't hold back?

ANJA: Then I'll handle it, but for now, I'm just going to let this whole thing run its course.

JAYLYNN: You're so unbelievable. Lynne does this stupid crap week after week and you never do anything to put her in check. Face it, Anja: You're just an enabler.

ANJA: You know damn well I don't enable people to act like that.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, the proof is in the Islamic pudding, girl. Please leave, I don't need this to escalate.

ANJA: Fine, whatever.

(Anja slams the door and walks away from the house when RK sees her while walking himself.)

RK: Anja! (RK runs up to Anja to catch up to her) Anja, wait up, I need to talk to you!

ANJA: RK, I don't have the time for this.

RK: Just listen. We don't need to try and be friends. We could just go back to the way things were. We don't connect at all.

ANJA: I guess we really don't know about each other. But RK, I was just insulting you because I thought that's what you wanted. There's really no reason for us to keep in touch at the end of the day. I thought you would catch on, but nope.

RK: Wow. You really are an asshole. No wonder Buster is the only guy that talks to you. Enjoy your life because you suck!

(RK walks into Jaylynn's house while a single tear slides down Anja's left eye. She looks back at the house and then walks away.)

RK: Did you and Anja have a fight?

JAYLYNN: You could call it that. About Lynne. How's being friends with Anja anyway?

RK: I had to end it. We're just too different. It's like when you have this rash on your ass and you can't find your old rash cream at Walgreens so you have to buy a new one. It's okay, but your ass is just not as soft and supple like before.

(Jaylynn starts cackling)

JAYLYNN: WHAT?!

RK: I mean, yeah, it's painful.

JAYLYNN: You know, RK, we may have our issues sometimes, but just know that we're friends and whatever Anja doesn't see in you, I always do.

RK: Thanks Jaylynn. It's nice to have these talks without us shouting at each other.

JAYLYNN: Well, I could always call you an idiot.

RK: Nah, I'm good. So I heard you're friends with Lynne now.

JAYLYNN: Make that ex-friends. I'm sick and tired of her, she never leaves me alone and she has this weirdo crush on me. Tomorrow, I'm going over there and telling her the friendship is history.

RK: Good for you, Hernandez. You know, we could always shoot Anja and Lynne and no one will know a damn thing.

JAYLYNN: No, I already thought about that. It's not nice. (sighs) Maybe I could just think about what having Lynne as a best friend could be like.

(Jaylynn has a fantasy sequence where she, Ashley, and Sanna are at the mall.)

JAYLYNN: It's great to be here at the mall with you guys.

SANNA: You said that ten minutes ago.

(Lynne arrives and immediately starts breathing down Jaylynn's neck, literally.)

JAYLYNN: Would you stop standing so close to me?!

LYNNE: I'm sorry, you just smell really nice. You have a cinnamon essence.

(Ashley and Sanna have blank stares.)

ASHLEY: Yeah, so anyway, I saw my son yesterday. He's so cute.

JAYLYNN: Oh, your nephew?

ASHLEY: No, my son.

SANNA: He's not your son, Ash.

ASHLEY: He calls me his mommy, he's my son.

JAYLYNN: Does he know who his daddy is?

LYNNE: That was so hot, what you just said.

JAYLYNN: It wasn't supposed to be hot. At all.

LYNNE: Yeah, but it was the way you said it that made such a thing hot. Please pay attention to me!

SANNA: Aww, Jaylynn finally found love.

ASHLEY: So sweet.

(Jaylynn's face turns red and she gives Lynne a look of disgust. The sequence then ends at that point as Jaylynn's eyes widen.)

JAYLYNN: Oh, hell naw. Tomorrow, it's going down.

(brief pause)

RK: I'm sorry, you've just been sitting there for the past minute doing nothing, what did you say?

SCENE 17

The Saleh Household

Exterior Frontyard

Seattle, Washington

(The next day, Jaylynn looks through the window and sees Lynne watching TV. She rubs her hands together and gives the camera an affirming glance.)

JAYLYNN: It's time to end this.

(Jaylynn walks inside and she and Lynne stare each other down for a few seconds.)

LYNNE: Bitch, do you want something right now?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I...wait a minute. Did you just call me a bitch?

LYNNE: Yeah.

JAYLYNN: And you have absolutely no feelings for me.

LYNNE: What, are you insane?

JAYLYNN: Oh my God. LYNNE, YOU'RE BACK, THE REAL LYNNE IS BACK!

(Jaylynn hugs a confused Lynne at that point, and she briefly smiles before getting upset.)

LYNNE: Okay, could you please get your hands off the merchandise?

JAYLYNN: How come you hate me again? I thought we were friends.

LYNNE: Look, Jaylynn, I had a dream last night about what would happen if we stayed friends. It wasn't pretty. We can't get along or else things would be more awkward than they already are. I feel like I'm at my best when I'm tearing you down. Just like you feel the same way with me. By next week, things would have changed anyway.

JAYLYNN: I don't think we can be sure about that.

LYNNE: Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

JAYLYNN: Well, at least I'm off the hook. Things are back to normal.

LYNNE: Yeah, because I was becoming a creep with you as my friend. I guess some things rub off, don't they?

JAYLYNN: I guess they do?

LYNNE: I mean, I was letting you get inside my head. Degrading myself just so a big fat loser like you could like me? Yeah, right.

JAYLYNN: Okay, I get it, we're enemies again, the end.

LYNNE: I know you think Anja is going to do nothing and that's true because she loves me a lot more than she will ever love you, you little worthless piece of shit.

JAYLYNN: I'm giving you a warning to shut the f*** up before I hurt you, stop playing with me.

LYNNE: Oh, so you can make empty threats and cry to your boys about how much you hate me? I know all the games, Jaylynn. I'm going to be even worse to you and there's nothing you can do because you're just a pathetic, cowardly...

(Jaylynn screams, and punches Lynne in the face, knocking her down to the floor. Jaylynn then kicks Lynne multiple times in the stomach and then tosses her into the front door. Anja runs down the steps at that point to see the commotion.)

ANJA: What the hell happened here?!

LYNNE: Jaylynn just put her hands on me!

ANJA: JAYLYNN!

JAYLYNN: I don't care what you think anymore, Anja, I had to do it.

(brief pause)

ANJA: Nice job.

LYNNE: WHAT?! Anja, aren't you going to break it up and tell us to get along or some crap?

ANJA: No, I'm not. Look, Lynne, you're my little sister and nothing will ever change that. But I'm not going to be anybody's enabler. Jaylynn is like family to me and you better start showing her some respect or I'm kicking you out.

LYNNE: I'll take it back! Remember, Jaylynn? We're buddies?

ANJA: You know what? Jaylynn, how would you like to take Lynne to the backyard and continue your fun?

JAYLYNN: I would love to.

LYNNE: YOU'RE GOING TO LET HER BEAT ME?!

ANJA: Fight your own battle. You're being an asshole, so you get what you deserve.

(Jaylynn opens the back door and throws Lynne outside. Lynne's screaming can be heard as Jaylynn continues her assault. Anja has a big smile on her face as she walks upstairs.)

LYNNE: SHIT! MY ARM!

JAYLYNN: TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!

(Jaylynn then kicks Lynne in the face, and the episode ends on an artist's rendering of that moment. Fade to black.)

(standing in front of Madison Square Garden) TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Friends" by Jody Watley featuring Eric B. & Rakim playing in the end credits)

©2015 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS