Hi! I haven't written a story for ages, although I have planned many of them out for years. I just never get around to it. But tonight it all came to me in one fell swoop. So this is an extension of the letter that Rimmer wrote to Carol McCauley. You know the one that Lister starting reading out to the Cat in Stasis Leak.

Being written from the point of view of Rimmer thinking about a woman it is pure filth. Could be some Rimmer/Lister potential slash at the end. Just scroll really really fast if that is what you are interested in. :) Anyway yeah Red Dwarf! :D Who else is loving RDX?

10th July 20##

Dear Carol McCauley,

Your eyes are like two limpid pools of loveliness Your hair is like a golden waterfall. Plus, those short skirts you wear make me really horny.

I want you to arrive one night unannounced as I just finish my daily study goal. You'd say in that husky voice "Lock" and the door would shut itself locking out Lister and the rest of the world. I'd watch you as you slip out of those two inch high regulated heels and sit cross-legged on the crisp clean sheets of my bunk. I'd snap my study notes shut and slowly approach you on my knees. You'd giggle at my foolishness and you'd uncross your legs and for a second from my position I'd see a hint of something red and lacy before you quickly cross them again.

Kneeling in front of you, I'd stare into those lovely eyes and slowly start stroking first your knee but then my hand would move up to your outer thigh, my hand would breach the sanctity of your skirt for a brief second before I retract it. You'd look down at me, your delicate cheeks are pink from embarrassment and your tongue would nervously dart out to wet your lips for me. I'd stretch up and capture your face with my hands and start trailing kisses from left cheek to those wet and full lips. You'd moan as you open your mouth to let my tongue in to explore but then I suddenly break our kiss.

"Rimmer." you'd whine as I sink back down in front of your knees again. I'd grin and stare pointedly at your still crossed legs. You blush but you slowly uncross them and daringly place your right leg onto my left shoulder like it is a leg rest. A beautiful site awaits me from this position as your leg rest, the flash of red I glimpsed earlier reveals to be a delicately woven pair of lacy knickers, fire engine red except for what appears to be a small patch of claret coloured material.

"You've been think naughty things haven't you Carol?" I whisper from between your legs, you make an affirmative noise as I slowly breathe out in wonder. I slowly turn my head to where your right leg still sits on my shoulder and start the long and agonising, for you, process of removing your black nylon stocking with my teeth. First I pull the fabric down several inches with my teeth and then start kissing the exposed leg, then I pull down the fabric even further and continue my kissing until the stocking is removed. I don't do the same with the other stocking, I simply pull down the material with my hand as I can sense that you want me to shuffle closer.

I do so, but slowly taking the opportunity to start trailing my tongue along your inner thigh as I move back into position with your right leg still on my shoulder. Suddenly you grab my hair and start playing with the curls, I like the feeling, but not as much as the close proximity of my face to your womanhood as my mouth has reached the inner inner of your thigh and my nose starts to nuzzle that wet dark spot I pointed out earlier. You gasp at the touch and I find my senses being over powered, the smell is incredible and a moan escape my own lips. My self control wanes slightly as I suddenly remove my head from between your thighs and I end up trying to half push and half carry you further onto the bottom bunk so I can join you on the bunk.

You'd end up under me, a tiny bit surprised at the movement, but then you realise that now you can pull me closer for a longer kiss than before. Which you do. I can feel your hands exploring my chest, my sides and by back as you try to bring me closer. While using one hand to prop myself up, I decided to let my other hand to rove down where my nose had previously nuzzled. Your body twitches at the initial contact but it relaxes as I start working my magic fingers. Eventually we break our kiss to catch our breath and you stare at me your eyes slightly glazed over.

"I want you Rimmer." you'd moan, and to my surprise, thrust slightly into my hand. I'd nod in agreement and allow you to start unbuttoning my shirt, I manage to shrug it off as you unbutton your own shirt revealing the matching red lacy peep-hole bra. I'd get you out of that shirt and bury my face into your lovely warm bosoms. I stay there for some time until a squirm from you reminds me of my goal and I start trailing my mouth down your belly to once again meet those red lacy knickers. However from this angle your very short skirt is in the way, but you very helpfully move so I can pull down that skirt and then, because I feel a bit impatient, your knickers follow down your legs, over your ankles and then they both end up somewhere on the floor. At the same time in one movement, that I would have had problems with, you remove that lacy bra and chuck it in the same direction.

I don't even care about the mess because you are now completely naked. I'd want to bury my face deep between your legs and make you moan but I notice your mouth quiver and it seems to want a reassuring kiss from yours truly. I happily oblige and for the first time I let my body come into full contact with yours as you pull me in for a deep embrace. I'd feel you shift under me and I know that you can feel what I am still concealing. There would be a frenzied movement as you suddenly push me off you so I am in a half straddling you kind of position and grab at my waistband. You'd fumble at my belt for a couple of seconds until I help and in no time at all I to am completely naked. Except for my socks, but there are more pressing matters than adding them to the mess of clothes.

You pull me closer another kiss, and I take it upon myself to play with your boobs for a bit. They feel nice in my hands and I can feel you tense up when I squeeze or knead at them. You'd be the first to break the kiss this time and then, my god, your hand or your brain decides to reach down and grasp my neglected member. I gasp and I find all thoughts leave my brain as you start to stroke him, first the head and then the shaft, then the head, then the shaft so on and so forth. My forehead finds a place on your shoulder as you start to stroke a little bit faster.

"Wooaaah!" I'd suddenly yelp "This is not what is meant to be happening!" You'd giggle.

"Then what?" you'd ask innocently.

"Oh you know what." I'd growl as I push you down again. I kiss you and you kiss back, your hand still on my member, but not moving thank god, and my own hand grabs for something over your head in the bunk shelf. Grabbing it, I pull away from your embrace as I start making a tear in the little packet. You realise what it is and blush a tiny bit. They are useful little blighters but they can be a bit awkward to suddenly stop and put on. Sensible Rimmer goes back to his cocoon as I suddenly lunge at your mouth and my hand once again finds it way down to your mound. I feel you jerk once or twice as first one finger and then another finds it way inside and start stroking inside that gorgeous pink cavern. I pull away from your kiss to look at your beautiful face. It really is getting too much for me now, and as if you guessed what I was about to ask you cry

"Rimmer! Now please now!" I'd nod and remove my fingers, and in one swift movement I find myself inside you. Your legs wrap themselves around my frame and I find myself going in deeper. We both gasp at the sensation and it isn't long before I start moving. I start thrusting faster and faster, losing control of myself slightly as it feels like you are tightening yourself around me. You shift slightly to get a better angle and very soon I can feel erratic shudders and thrusts meeting mine. For what feels like forever I feel you tighten and then you come. You cry in pleasure in my ear and I grin.

I did that. TO YOU! I keep thrusting and soon it happens again, this time I follow suit. I'd like to say I groan deeply into your ear as I come but it may have been a high whined pitch. We stay there for a bit until I have to pull myself out. You gasp, you seem to have derived some pleasure from that and I regretfully pull myself out of the bunk and walk naked over to the bin. Clean now I'd come back and snuggle up behind you. You'd turn your head so I can see your smile and I'd pull the blanket up over ourselves ignoring the yelling and bashing on the door.

"Oy Rimmer! Open the smegging door!" Oh it's a shame for Lister that the door won't open without someone higher than Carol in the pecking order to activate the automatic doors. You have fallen asleep and I start to doze.. "Stupid smegging Lister... haha shame."

Three million years later. Lister has just finished reading Rimmer's letter to Carol McCauley. He feels several things, mainly nausea. Smeg 99.9% of his feelings upon reading this letter in Rimmer's diary is an urge to vomit a whole week's worth of prawn vindaloo into Rimmer's wardrobe. He throws the diary to one side and decides to go and spend a couple of hours in the cinema room. The other 0.1% of his feelings unfortunately are making themselves known in his pants. Lister groans with disbelief and feeling slightly betrayed by his genitalia makes his way to the cinema. It has been far too long since he has had any contact with a lady he thinks, so because it has been so long reading an obviously made up story by Rimmer with a female will of course affect him this way. He feels slightly better with this justification in mind. Until that is the King of smeg and smeggery himself Arnold Rimmer turns into the same corridor as Lister.

"Lister!" he exclaims rubbing his hand together "Just the man I need! I need you to help me catalogue all of the canned fruit salad." Lister glares at him, his face tinged an strange pink.

"Oh smeg off Smeg-for-brains!" he yells as he storms off to the cinema room. Rimmer looks after him and shakes his head.

"He's the smeghead."

Thanks for reading! And I hope you don't think I am a total smeg-pot or anything, also sorry if my tenses got a bit funny in the middle there.