You can let go

by Linneagb

Songfic with three different scenarios where Mike just had to let Tracy go. Based on the song You can let go by Chrystal Shawanda. Oneshot

I think it's somewhere in season three there is the episode "free Louise" when we found out Tracy couldn't ride a bike… The first part of the story is set right after the last season. So I hope everything works with all storylines.

I was thinking in the second scenario Bella could be portrayed by Mia Angelynn, and I have made a polyvore edit for her. Her edit is in the collection "other stories" and you can find the link to the collection on my profile.

This fic is based on the song "you can let go" by Crystal Shawanda. And all the three parts are told from Tracy's point of view.

"Aren't they here soon?"

It was the day for me to leave the dumping ground and for Cam and Gary to come home from their Honeymoon. And right now, with only minutes or seconds left it felt like years while I glanced down the street in my new block and waited for a taxi to come up the street from the airport.

"Trace…" Mike was in his car, parked by the side of the road and with his window open so we could still talk. "You know. If they don't know that it's a big deal riding a bike for you, then it will seem very weird for you to just come up and be happy about it."

"Oh believe me." I sighed and rolled my eyes. "They know. Cam has been nagging since the first time I lived at hers that I should learn how to ride a bike. And she could teach me as a regular parent- child- thing to do. Then, one of the first times she met Gary he wanted me to come too. But of course I couldn't. That's why I thought it could be nice today. If I surprised them… It's only been them two for two weeks now, so tonight or tomorrow we could do something all three. You know, to celebrate that we're… that we're a family. That I have a family- finally. And why not start with this when they have nagged me like they have and… HERE THEY ARE"

When a taxi turned into the street from the other direction I didn't let wait for it, ignoring Mike that was trying to hand me a helmet while he turned the key to turn the car on I got up on the seat and pedaled as quickly as it was possible down the street.

Then, with the wind blowing on my face and making my thick, wild hair fly behind me. It was that in the wind there was a gust of happiness and understanding about what was going on. And I couldn't help but smile brightly while it finally hit me that after all of this time my biggest dream was coming true.

It might have been that I should have done some more thinking and waiting to calculate about exactly when the car would turn into the driveway and that would have been at the exact same time as I passed it.

And then I might have figured I wasn't steady enough on two wheels yet to keep upright through that sharp turn.

"Whoa."

I hit the asphalted driveway with a bang, the last thing flashing by before I shut my eyes closed were the scared grimaces on the taxi driver's, Cam's and Gary's faces while they flashed by as I fell.

Well done Beaker!

"Are you okay?"

I could hear car doors slamming open and running footsteps before I'd even had the time to sit up. Then before I had the time to even look up I felt the bike being lifted away from me and I could finally sit up and take a deep breath to answer.

"Of course I'm okay. I did that on purpose to give you a laugh."

Well, it was worth a try. Even though none of the people around me didn't laugh anyway and I gave a slight grimace and tried to ignore a scratch on my knee burning when I got up and walked over to Mike's car to take the first few of my bags and go into the house.

"Hey. You did learn how to ride a bike while we were away." Gary frowned while he also paid the taxi driver that had driven him and Cam here. "That's awesome. But I thought you said you'd let me help you with that. But it seems you have a little bit left with the braking part so I think there'll be time for that too."

I just grimaced and stuck my tongue out back at Gary who gave me a teasing look, peering slightly with a smile.

"We just thought it would be great. During these two weeks when you've been away it's been the end of an era so learning how to ride a bike was kind of the only thing I and Mike haven't gone through together. So we sort of made it an end-of-an-era-project."

We didn't say anything more for a couple of minutes. While we all kept on carrying all of our bags into the house. And to my surprise the all happy feeling was gone and I was starting to feel more and more that I'd have to leave what was pretty much my whole childhood behind.

"Did Mike go after you to bring you your things?" To Gary's question I was pulled back to reality from my thoughts. "Or to go after you and make sure you didn't fall and die along the way?"

"Both." Mike answered before I had the time to say anything. "And to take that bike back to the dumping ground. But Tracy's free to come and borrow it any time she wants."

"I don't think that will be necessary. We can buy you your own bike if you want to."

"You're going to spoil her rotten Gary."

"Yeah, so? Every kid needs to be spoiled rotten at least once during their childhood. And I've never had any children to spoil so now it's my turn."

Cam only grimaced at her husband. I didn't say anything. For a moment, while we all four helped to carry all of my things into my new room. A room that would be my- very- own like for real I was just hit by the thought that it really was for real. And for once I also knew that no matter what would happen it wasn't going to go away.

So if I for a moment wanted to feel what I had without thinking about what I still wanted for a minute I didn't have to tell them.

"What are you thinking Tracy?" Cam asked. "You look so thoughtful. You're not hurting from falling with that bike are you? Tracy? Say something."

"No. I said I'm fine. I was just thinking…. A black one if you please."

Now, finally the others laughed. Or at least Cam and Gary did. Mike didn't seem to feel like laughing while he still held tightly onto the last bag that he had taken from the car.

"That's it then." Mike dropped the small bag with dirty laundry on my floor. "Welcome to your new home Tracy Beaker. It was nice knowing you."

"I think…" Cam started and laid a hand on Gary's arm. "…We'll have to give you two some time of your own to talk a bit. We'll be right in our room or the kitchen if you want something."

For what must have been five minutes I and Mike only stood there looking everywhere but on each other.

"It's okay now Mike." I had to say something at last and look at him. Mike was biting his lip, but I couldn't help but notice the tears rising in his eyes. "I know it feels… strange. After everything and…" I swallowed the lump that was rising in my throat. "After all of the time I spent longing for the day I'd leave the dumping ground once and for all."

"Good luck then." Mike laid his hand on my arm and rubbed it slightly. "You've come such a long way Tracy Beaker. And whatever you want to do with life you can." He cleared his throat and let go. "I think we'll have to stop this now or we'll both break down… Hay fever?"

"Yes of course. Tracy Beaker never cries."

Mike chuckled slightly. But we then walked down the hallway and towards the door in silence. Mike was right- if there was something else we'd both break down. And with only a slight wave in the door, Mike left the house down the porch steps and got into his car.

This was the time for one new era. But still I had to fight away the tears burning behind my eyes when I watched Mike leave raising my hand in a slight wave. And when I turned and walked back into the house, I could feel the old part of my life only running off and letting go.

"You can let go now."

You can let go.

XxXxX

Well, wasn't it just every girl's dream to be lead down a church aisle by her dad? Hearing "here comes the bride" playing loud and seeing her soon- to- be husband and a pastor at the front of the church waiting for the confirmation of one of the biggest decisions of her whole life.

I had never really expected it to be my dream.

But slowly making my way down the aisle seeing Seth and our daughter right by him at the front of the small church. I felt in all of me that this was my dream coming true. For the moment, I couldn't turn and look at him. But walking right by me, with my arm hooked in his was Mike Milligan the one and only.

And I had never felt more that this was the perfect way it was supposed to be.

I smiled down on Cam who was sitting on one side, she was always my real mum. Then to Mike and pulled my arm out of his grip when we were down at the chapel and it was time to let go.

Well, at least it was time to let go…

"Mike." I whispered. "Let go. It's time to let go now."

Mike didn't move an inch from having his fingers tightly wrapped around my arm and dress. He was looking away from me, and didn't seem to have any intention of letting go at all.

"Mike?" I tried again and tugged my arm and sleeve. "What are you doing?" I was only whispering, hoping that he would only let go without fussing. "Mike? Let go. You have to let go."

Mike didn't obey to my annoyed whispers. Yet I couldn't help but to quickly hope that Mike would let go before I had done something that everybody would notice.

"Mike."

I tugged my arm and sleeve again but Mike still wasn't saying a word. "Mike come on." My voice grew louder. "What's up with you?"

"Oh wow." The pastor said with a slight smile. "Really guys, this happens more open than one might think. Dads tend to be protective and not let go of their daughters for another man."

I was on the verge of telling the pastor that Mike wasn't my dad. Even though as good as. But right now there wasn't time for that and even though the pastor had spoken quietly for only me, Seth and Mike to hear. I could tell that people had heard and they were noticing what was going on. Maybe even understanding more of what Mike was trying to do.

"What are you doing? Let go." I could hear my eight-year- old- daughter giggling right next to me and I glared down on her. "Oh dear. Well of course I got her into a dress and holding flowers and everything and now you start fussing. I did compromise with Bella so she could still wear matching sneakers though. Now what do I have to do to compromise with you so I can make you let go?"

Mike just as well could have not heard me, he didn't look at me and he didn't move his hands from my dress. But I did notice where he was looking, and he was looking right at Seth peering with his eyes and biting his lip in a way I had only seen once before- when he left me at Cam and Gary's.

Well, wasn't he just such a dad?

"It's okay. You know Seth. He will take care of me… We'll take care of each other."

Mike still didn't move an inch. And I could feel my cheeks burning red when even the pastor was biting his lip not to laugh and spread laughter from those who didn't succeed not to were heard from around the church, echoing in between the walls.

"We'll take care of each other."

Seth agreed, then at last Mike's expression changed slightly. And I couldn't help but notice the tears that were rising in his eyes when he turned down towards his hand that was now shaking towards my arm. And I wish that he could have heard the honesty in my words when I said the only thing that I could think of was correct right now.

"You can let go now."

You can let go.

XxXxX

"Now, are you sure you want to do this?"

Where I walked into a hospital room Mike was on the only bed in the room. Except for me and him there was only a nurse in there, holding onto a sheet of paper I couldn't see what was on it and Mike holding onto a pencil and signing something.

"Yes." Mike answered her question. "I'm sure." He handed her the paper and then looked past her and towards me. "Tracy Beaker?" Mike weakly leaned back towards the mattress where the head had been raised so he could sit up easily and then smiled slightly at me. "It's been a while. I take it you have talked to your old friend, the physiotherapist Jackie Hopper."

"Yeah." I answered him, Jackie worked here at the hospital and had met Mike, then called me up to tell. "We hadn't talked for years so I was very surprised when suddenly my phone lit up and it was her name on the screen." I watched the nurse who was just leaving the room holding onto the sheet of paper Mike had signed earlier. "What was that paper?"

"It was nothing."

After everything that I and Mike had been through together. After all those times he had been there for me. And I had at least tried to help back but we both knew those times hadn't always been very successful.

After everything, I couldn't believe Mike was still trying to lie to me. Not to scare me with whatever those paper sheets were about.

"Don't even try it." I walked around the bed and sat down on the chair next to it. "You can't lie to me Mike and you should know that by now." Mike moaned slightly and leaned his head backwards with a grimace. "What? Where does it hurt? Should I get a doctor? Or that nurse?"

"No Tracy." Mike's voice was weak and hoarse, but I couldn't do else than obey and leaned back again. "I don't want you to worry. There's nothing you can do to change this. Signing that paper just means that if… if my heart stops beating and I stop breathing and you know… then me signing that paper means that they don't hook me up to machines to try and keep me alive anymore."

"But… no." I hurried over to his bed and grabbed his hand. "You can't do that. You are the strongest person I have ever known. You can do this. You can't just give up now. Not under my watch and everything you did for me- I am not letting you give up. Never, ever. No…" I could see on the look in Mike's eyes that he had made up his mind. "No. You can't do this Mike. You can't just give up."

I would have wanted to say more but what else could I say? The words left me in loss and I was left panting and gripping tightly around the metal railing of the cold hospital bed while Mike waited for a minute before he answered.

"You always had a very strong will Tracy Beaker. But so did I. Listen Tracy, you can't see that part but I have cancer in every single part of my body. It's taking over everything. And the more I wait for it to, the more it's going to hurt. I am not saying I will die today, it might happen tomorrow, a month, a week or a year from now. I'm only making sure that when it happens- I have accepted the way it's going to be."

I opened my mouth to say something. But I couldn't think of anything and closed it again, then sunk down on one of the chairs by the bed while Mike smiled comfortingly at me.

"It's been ages, how are you? How's Seth? How's Bella?"

"I…"

I was on my way to start answering like one would at any normal conversation would start with, but with thoughts of what was going on and what Mike had just said I couldn't find the words. It was like someone had just punched me in the stomach and was taking a grip around my throat.

"Tracy…" Mike's voice brought me back to reality that was something else than my own thoughts. "Tracy… Don't be like this Trace." I shook my head slightly and looked up on him. "Don't be like this. We're just… a couple of old friends catching up. Everything is just like it always was."

"But it's not."

"In here it is…" Mike patted slightly towards his chest, right over his heart. "And in here." He weakly reached out his arm and pointed to my heart. "And that is what matters." All the while he was smiling at me and didn't seem any different than he had always done. "Now answer my questions, I want to know. How are you? And your family?"

"I and Seth are… great." I started off, shakily. "Bella's great too. Although I haven't gotten her to wear a dress one single time since the wedding." Mike gave a slight chuckle. "She's going to college this fall… now… wow. Time just flew by didn't it? And how… how…"

I was on my way to ask Mike the same that he had asked me. But the thing was only watching the way he was slumped back towards his mattress, pal and exhausted the answer was way too obvious for me to even think about asking.

"I'm quite alright if that's what you were asking. Look on the bright side. I never had to worry about my hair falling off and I finally lost all of that extra weight."

"Very funny." I said ironically and then sniveled sadly. "Oh my… you're only skin and bones. This isn't right."

"Hay fever? Tracy Beaker never cries?"

This was so tragic I couldn't even answer that childish comment I had always made that I had hay fever and never ever cried.

"My God." I didn't know anything to say until I laid a hand on Mike's arm. More for my own comfort than for Mike. "You're freezing. Nurse." A nurse had just come into the room to check on him. "He's freezing. Like really, freezing."

"I'm always freezing nowadays."

I looked from the nurse to Mike, back to the nurse and to Mike. Wasn't there anything that could be done? After all of the times Mike had brought a jacket or a hot chocolate or a blanket and I could just stand here and do nothing.

"With so little fat on his body it is hard for him to keep the heat in his body." The nurse explained to me calmly. "The best cure for this is actually body heat for somebody else. If you want to, then you can lay down next to him and stay close and the body heat from your body will keep him warm too. I'll go get another blanket but body heat is always the best. That makes the exact correct temperature."

I looked to Mike when the nurse left the room. He just nodded so I stood up and pulled my shoes off. Then crawled up in the bed and laid down as close to Mike's shivering figure as I could laying my head towards his shoulder.

"I used to want to do this. When I first arrived at the dum… at Stowey House. I used to want to ask you to come and hold me and for… and for the first time in my life I wouldn't feel so alone. And I'd have a parent that would care for me and treat me like a parent should."

"You should have told me. Or Jenny, or Duke. You wouldn't have had to feel like that if you had just let us know."

"You know what I was like." Mike gave another short chuckle, silently this time. "I could never understand while I grew up how you or anybody else could stand it. I still don't quite understand but then I had Bella and all of that swearing about how much like me she was. Still is, but she too is starting to calm down against all odds and as the time goes by… Are you okay?"

"Yeah." Mike yawned and leaned his head back. "Thank you." The nurse came back and wrapped a blanket around the both of us. "Don't you worry. It's fine Trace. I'm just so tired. I'm just going to sleep for a couple of hours."

I knew Mike was trying to calm me down and that this part might just as well take weeks instead of minutes. But when Mike's eyelids fluttered and then closed I guess we both knew that they were never to open again.

That silence returned once again, that silence when I could hear nothing but breaths and the alarms going off in the hallway about in which rooms the patients needed help. And those voices, loads of voices. Yet it was all just silent like no other way before.

I wasn't sure how much time passed while I laid there wrapped in a blanket. It could have been only a couple of minutes, or a couple of hours. But it must have been more because as we laid there the day turned into evening and the light from outside the window turned grey and darker.

"I think we can take this off now."

I barely even knew anything before what must have been hours after Mike fell asleep when the nurse came inside the room again. Then took the blanket and carefully pulled it off Mike and myself before she put it away and checked his pulse.

Mike didn't wake up, he didn't even wake up when she reached and laid two fingers towards his neck to check the pulse there instead. And stayed asleep while her frown squeezed my heart and was only made worse when she checked something on the board next to him, attached with chords where some of his vitals were shown.

"He's in a lot of pain, is he?"

"Not right now." The nurse pulled out the old and empty IV bag that had dripped into a chord and into his arm. "He's on a lot of painkillers. But the further this gets, the longer he holds on the harder it will be to manage and for the medicines to work. Sometimes when people sign those papers he just did it's the time for them to just relax. And soon after they just fall asleep never to wake up." The nurse patted my shoulder slightly.

"How far does he have left?"

The question had slipped my mouth before I had the time to stop it, or even knew it was there. And with the exact moment it slipped something clenched in my stomach. I wasn't so sure I wanted to hear the answer.

"I'll leave you two alone for a bit." The nurse patted my shoulder without answering. Then stopped in her tracks right by the door and gave a deep sigh. "I saw the look in his eyes when he knew you were coming. He really loves you."

That kind of ear crushing silence returned when the nurse riffled in some paper sheets that she held. And a part of me- maybe the old me that both I and Mike had once known, wanted to shout on her to just leave and leave us alone.

"I think he's hanging on for you."

With those last few words the nurse left the room again. And I was left alone to my own thoughts and that ear crushing silence that only seemed to exist in hospitals. The kind of silence that broke through alarms going off in the hallway, the sound of breaths and people talking in hushed voices in the hallway.

Mike coughed weakly again. But where he got the strength to do even that I did not know because every breath was short and shakily weak. I couldn't help the tears rising in my eyes when I did realize that this would be the end. And the only one who was here to take care of it was me.

"It's okay Mike." I forced myself to say while my voice was breaking and I tenderly stroke Mike's cheek while his breaths were going slower and deeper by the second. "It's okay. You've taken care of all of us now. It's time for you to finally take care of you."

If I was right there was only one way "take care of you" could end. And of course I didn't want that, not with anything. It was just that when Mike coughed weakly again and then whimpered shortly in pain I realized there was only one other option. And after everything Mike had done for me and so many others I couldn't tell him to keep fighting for us when it hurt him so much.

"It's okay. I know you think… I know most people think that you'll be gone to the world. But you won't be all gone for many years to come. Not as long as I am here. Or Jackie, or Crash, or Seth or Bella or anyone else. None of us would have come so far as we did if it hadn't been for you. You were always like a dad to us. To all of us."

I was ready for Mike to pull what was going to be his very last breath after so many that belonged in a lifetime. But just as I thought it was over he pulled another quick breath in, coughed weakly a few times and started breathing again.

It was just like he was waiting for something to happen before he'd be able to let go.

Then suddenly it was there, with all of those memories the thought that even though he had been like a dad to more people than what most other people could dream of, he had never had his own children and there had never been anyone to call him that.

I could only imagine how much of a dream it must have been of Mike's. Of course he wouldn't be able to let go before his most important and biggest dream came true. But it wouldn't matter, however it went right now it would only be me left to make it come true.

And not until I moved my hand downwards to tenderly take his I wondered why on earth I hadn't done this before. Nothing could ever had been truer or more important than this. And now, if I did it once I would never get the chance again.

I pulled a deep, shaky breath before squeezing the words through my thick throat, knowing that if I was right in this then this would be it.

"You can let go now dad."

You can let go

Then, that's it. "Hands out tissues to everyone who needs it."

Random fact

So I wanted to write a piece with Tracy and Mike for x snow- pony x because I wanted to cheer her up. But the thing is, when I came up with this I said from the start that I'm not sure if this will cheer her up or if the ending will just make her sad.