Half-Sick of Shadows
Chapter One

She could do this.

She could do this

She could do this.

Raven pulled her knees to her chest and bit back the shameful burn of tears as they crept into the edges of her vision. She had been repeating that mantra to herself for the last few hours, trying to ward off the darkness enclosing around her as she listened to the faint drip drip drip of water trickling down the wall. At least, she thought it had been the last few hours. Time moved strangely in the dark - all unusual shapes sliding in and out of the edges of her vision, and soft echoes from far above, or below, or behind. Her senses were being pulled apart as she tried to adjust to the void around her, unsure if she was somewhere large or small.

Raven ducked her head against her chest and shivered, trying not to hear the crunch in her hip and feel her bones scraping against each other as they moved at an unnatural angle. When she righted herself, she was going to destroy Slade.

That is… if she ever righted herself.

But, Raven couldn't dwell on that thought. Acknowledging that there was something wrong, meant admitting that it was real. And if it was real, then… well, she didn't really want to follow that thought down the dark and twisty tunnels. Her head fell further, shoulders hunching as if to block out the pain that was continuing to rake through her nerves. Something inside her was hot, burning against her and raising her temperature to a point where she felt as though she might boil in her own skin. Infection. Great. Just what she needed. She just hoped that someone would find her before the delirium set in.

She took another ragged breath and tensed all of her muscles as tight as tight as she could, keeping herself focused on anything other than the heat or the pain. She had done this for however long she had been there, she could keep doing this for hours more if she needed to.

Raven shifted, ignoring that awful sound between her bones again, trying to focus on the soft buzz of her powers at the back of her skull. At least they were still there, even if she couldn't use them. It was a strange kind of melancholy solace knowing that at least somewhere inside her, her powers were trying to be used. They hummed and swarmed there like a bird that was trying to escape but was trapped in the world's tightest cage. Each flick of its wings brought the feathers close to the jolt of power, forcing it back into its cage.

Reaching up, Raven fingered the inhibitor at the base of her neck, the pad of her thumb sliding over the smooth metal disk. It was cold to the touch, but hot against her skin, reminding her that it was indeed alive and keeping her from her own powers. She took a ragged breath and let her hand fall again, wondering if Slade had been honest when he said she risked "permanent and irreparable damage" if she yanked it out. He had lied to her about a lot so far, but she didn't think it would be beneath him to lie like this - not for a threat anyway. Slade was always so good about keeping up with his threats.

Taking another breath, she dropped her forehead to her knees and tried to focus on anything that could keep her grounded and awake. There was a new drip of water somewhere in the back of the space she was it, an echoing plip that reminded her how alone she was. But even after time, that sound couldn't keep her grounded anymore, no matter how many times she counted it.

Everything was starting to feeling fuzzy and distant, like nothing was in-reach or in focus anymore, and she was fading out of her own self. The pain was starting to creep up into her spine and along her ribcage, and she could feel the slick trail of blood ooze from a different wound in her side. Where had that one come from? Had she noticed it before? Was it new? Raven took a shaky breath, parts of her working only at half-speed as she tried to keep holding on. Her brow furrowed and she tried to think back. How much longer did she have before she lost consciousness? She couldn't remember her limits anymore, and it had been a long time since she remembered what the monks taught her about her body - how much could she bear to lose before she lost herself?

"...ven."

That was… great, the delirium had already set in if she was hearing phantom voices. Her fever must have been worse than she originally diagnosed. That was fine, she just had to separate the truth from the fiction in her head.

"...ven."

The sound was louder now, echoing through the space in a way that didn't feel fixed or static. She shivered, the movement causing a fresh wave of pain, but she could push that away if her delusions might be real. Raven picked up her head, her heart laboring in her chest as she tried to swallow a gasp of air that didn't seem to fill her lungs the right way. If she strained her ears just enough, she could hear the heavy, almost wild footsteps of someone further down in the darkness. It sounded like a stampede coming closer, echoing off the bare walls, and someone who was so close to the edge of desperation that they didn't care about the noise they were making.

"help." Her voice rubbed at her throat, scratching as if she'd swallowed steel wool, and she couldn't seem to call out loud enough to get his attention. Closer. They needed to come closer.

"Raven!"

"Help."

"Raven!"

The next few minutes were a tense silence of anticipation as she watched the flick of blue-white light slide through the darkness and over the walls to land on her. Raven reeled back from the bright white light shone into her face, and she coughed again, trying to hide in the shadows just enough to protect her eyes. Someone knew she was here. The pain inside her seemed to fade away as excitement and relief filled the empty parts of her. She had been found. One thing off the check-list at least.

The bright light stabbed her in the eyes and Raven reeled back, a garbled noise that should have been a curse falling from her lips.

"Sorry! I've got you!"

She could hear someone fumbling with the flashlight, and then the bright light was replaced with the soft glow of red. Raven blinked, taking a moment to try and ground herself again and try to understand where she was and how in the world she was still pieced together. Her head started to pound, her dehydrated body sagging further against her wounds. It was as if the knowledge of being saved was breaking her apart all over again.

Hopefully this was real - she needed something to go right. She had a stress-induced hallucination before, involving Starfire and mind-frosting pizza, and she wasn't sure whether or not to trust this one either. She grunted, trying to shift again, and waited until her eyes adjusted to the light before she looked up into the face of her rescuer - Robin. She forced her hand out, fingers spreading wide to sink into the soft cotton of a hooded sweatshirt. Oh, thank Azar. He was real.

"Rob-"

"Shhh."

His hand rested over her own, a bare fingertip slipping over a broken bone. She winced, and he pulled his hand back, with a quick apology before running his hand along the side of her face to push her hair out of her eyes. It was a familiar touch, one that reminded her of… Raven stopped her thoughts from venturing any further. She didn't want to relive that time. At all.

"Shh." Robin tried to look reassuring, but the glow from the red light made his smile seem broken. It wasn't very reassuring. "You don't have to say anything, Raven. I've got you. You're safe."

You're safe. Those words had never meant more to her than they did right this instant. It was as if the darkness was banished from around the edges of her vision and she looked up to see Robin's bare face staring down at her. He seemed more frightened than her, trembling as his hands smoothed over her, searching for any other injuries and trying to diagnose them. That was who he was - always looking for a way to fix something, even if it was unfixable.

Raven just stared at his face, trying to piece it all together. She had… she had never seen him like this before, open to her, without the mask and uniform to hide behind. He looked so young, barely older than herself, but there were lines around his eyes that told stories she knew too well. Stories he had whispered to her under the cover of privacy, and now, he seemed almost s like a dream that she wasn't sure was real. His eyes… his eyes were so stupidly blue. It should have been a crime for someone to have eyes that blue.

Raven tried not to dwell on how ridiculous that sounded in her own thoughts, and how the blue of his eyes should be the least of her problems right now. Not when she was practically certain one of her organs was considering falling out of her body. Her fingers tangled in the front of his sweatshirt and she pitched forward, her weight sinking into his chest as if it was the only thing she had left to hold onto.

Robin looked down at her, gauging the steadiness of her body before his hands came up to rest on her back, his lips brushing the crown of her head as he tried to reassure her with words that seemed so hollow. We found you. You're safe. Slade's gone - for now.

For now.

For now.

How long was now?

All of his words seemed jumbled up in her head, images and echoes of pain mingling together with memories of a mission gone bad. Light and sounds and sinister promises hummed through her veins, until all Raven could do was bury her face into his chest, as if to hide from the world for just a few seconds. If it had been anyone else she would have kept her composure for just a little bit longer, but Robin was different. Robin could see her at her worst, at the most broken moments of her life, and he wouldn't judge her - not for being even a little human.

Raven was still for a long moment listening to him continue to talk, not quite wrapping her mind around all the words, and taking in the scent of his detergent mingling with his sweat and his deodorant. It was comforting to know that he smelled like Spring Sport, and the thought seemed ludicrous in her head. Here she was, surrounded by pain and mere hours from death, and yet she was focusing on the way he smelled and what it was called. A ragged chuckle escaped, rumbling between them.

Robin looked down at her, smoothing her oily hair down her neck until his fingers brushed against the inhibitor still buried into her spine. It sent a jolt of dulled pain down her spine and she heard Robin let go of a low curse in the back of his throat, snatching his hand away. His words rumbled over her skin like a layer of protection, and he let his hand rest against the small of her back, drawing her as close as he could without hurting her. He must have felt the blood on him by now, and Raven felt a weird shadow of self-consciousness rest over her. Here she was, bleeding all over her teammate and smelling his deodorant.

"I'm sorry." It seemed such a weird thing to say, but she couldn't stop herself. It was something real that she could cling to - even if it was for just a few minutes. "For… for the blood, I mean. I think this is your favorite sweater, right? I-"

"Raven." His tone sat somewhere between incredulous, amused, and annoyed. His breath rushed out in a nearly-panicked chuckle that didn't quite match the tone of the situation. "My sweater? That's what you're worried about? I… I almost lost you - my best friend - I don't think some blood on my sweater is really going to be a big deal. It's fine."

Raven felt the tips of her ears turn pink with embarrassment, and she was grateful for the red light to mask her blush. Small miracles.

"I can get another sweater, there's only one you. So just… just shut up and rest."

Raven was too tired to scrounge up an appropriate retort, so she just closed her eyes and nodded, leaning against him. She'd think of something later, but right now it was better to just… rest. Robin seemed to wait until her breathing had evened out before he fished into his pocket, hitting the homing beacon on his communicator. He cradled her closer to his chest, running his fingers through her hair again, always taking care to avoid the lump of metal on the back of her neck. Raven let herself lull into a strange state of relaxation, punctuated only by the pain in her side and the crunch of her hip.

"Cy's on his way…" His fingers slid over her arm and down her back, pulling her a bit closer. "He's going to take you back to the tower and we'll get you all fixed up."

Her lips twitched and she craned her neck to look up at him, hearing all the things he didn't say in between his words. Everything was carefully chosen, and there were things that were obvious absent. "And the inhibitor?"

Robin's face turned steely and he looked away, letting the long stretch of silence slide between them again. Ah. Okay. Well, that said everything she needed to know. She could feel an emptiness tug at her chest, like a hole that needed to be filled, but she was already to broken and so exhausted she wasn't even sure if she had the emotional energy to feel sad. She wasn't sure there was enough of her to try to work and fill that hole, and she knew without a doubt that she didn't have enough hope. So for now, she just had to let that hole sit there, aching.

Robin shifted, glancing back at her. "We'll figure this out."

She nodded, closing her eyes again. She didn't have the heart to tell him that she already knew the truth. If he wanted to hope for her, let him.

"I promise, I won't let anything bad happen to you, Raven. We'll fix this."

For once, she almost believed him.

I promised myself that once No Vacancy was finished, that I would start on this. Just a heads-up, I am moving a little slow with writing lately, so I don't know if there will be regular updates, but I will try my best. This will also be posted over at AO3 if anyone prefers their format.