That's a Wrap
"Hi. I know you can't see me in the line-up.
"I should have said roll call. No, we weren't criminals; just had the bad luck to be shot down. My name is Roy Goldman, and I'm standing in the back. Being short has its fallbacks, but sometimes it's an advantage. I tend not to get noticed.
"So, how do you like the short propaganda flik? The first attempt of making a propaganda movie at Stalag 13 all went up in smoke. That stupid actor, Buckles…what an ego. He tried to steal the limelight. Eventually, Burkhalter ordered the film destroyed. But, here we are again.
"By this point in the war, thousands of airmen had been shot down. We didn't know the full count, but Goering and his ilk sure liked to rub it in our faces, and he decided he needed to showcase one of his camps. He didn't bother checking with Burkhalter, of course. And he didn't want to show how horrible the large camps really were. We heard about those from other escapees and Carter, who was in five. Well, we were noticed by the big-wigs. No successful escapes, and we were in a nice small work camp located in the middle of nowhere.
"Yes, it was true that Klink ran a decent operation here. Well, actually, the colonel did, but the Krauts didn't know that.
"We all groused. But Colonel Hogan-they focused on him for a bit. He's in the front of the first line looking smug- well, he's got a right to look smug, I guess. His confidence just oozes out of every pore and every part of that jacket and crush cap he's always wearing.
"Anyway, he agreed to the filming for some extra rewards. One extra hour of electricity every night for a month, and two extra slices of white bread per man for the next two weeks. And that's every man in camp, not just us guys parked over in Barracks two. Some of the new guys thought we were special and got better treatment. They learned fast. The colonel told them…'We get to eat LeBeau's cooking, but we were the first ones in line for the firing squad in case something went wrong.'"
"Back to the filming. What a mess. They wanted it filmed at night…to make them look more sinister, I guess. They made us run through the roll call five times! Do you think we ran out of the barracks like that, sliding on the snow?
"Heck no. Schultz? He was the sergeant at arms, and our barracks guard. We literally had him eating out of our hands. Of course, none of us really wanted to go outside. Hey, it was cold!. We usually sort of stumbled out there, if it was the morning, and we weren't awake. Or, if was the evening roll call, we just slowly got up, left the hut, went outside and lined up. Raus, Raus, Raus, means nothing when the guards aren't in charge.
"And Schultz? Well, he was happy if he counted fifteen prisoners and they were standing in their usual spots. Meaning he had fifteen bodies. Didn't matter if it was Olsen or someone pretending to be Olsen. Schultz was used to it, and the Kommandant didn't know. He only knew a few of us by sight, and we had that under control.
"The best part was watching the film unit set up the night scenes of the guards in the towers, the trucks rolling through the gates, the dogs, and Klink standing on the steps of the Kommandantur attempting to look like he knew what he was doing. I'm telling ya. We all had to hold it in. And then Schultz saluting. What a ham.
"Yeah, there were colored soldiers living in our hut. Want to make something out of it? First off, Klink—for all his faults—didn't segregate anybody. Not by race, religion or nationality. We had Norwegians bunking with the Dutch over in hut 17. Sure, I was scared. Who wouldn't be? Some of my buddies had their religion on their dog tags switched. But, as I said, Klink didn't care. And the Colonel would have gone through hell and high water to make sure nothing happened to anyone the Krauts considered undesirable. You can't see him in the roll call, but Kinch was our radioman and second in command. Colored guy out of Detroit.
"So, they ended up with about an hour's worth of negatives. Colonel Hogan never intended for any of this to be released. Too dangerous…just in case someone noticed something. Well, the film crew met with an unfortunate accident on the way back to their studio in Dusseldorf; most of the film got exposed, and the crew disappeared. The propaganda division said our camp was jinxed and they never came back.
"And this reel? It was sitting in our tunnel system until the end of the war. We all had to wait a few days for military intelligence to get here. Meanwhile, the Germans got relocated, and we got bored. An Allied film crew was with the division that liberated the camp and they gave us a hand processing the film.
"And that is what you just saw. But there's more. We made another copy and added a little bit to the end. Hang on a sec while we switch the reel.
"I see you all liked that. See, Carter, Newkirk, LeBeau and Kinch were the unsung heroes of this operation.
"Where's Baker? Well, our relief radioman was shy. Getting back to main operatives. They deserved an Academy Award for all of their acting…So, we made a bit of an epilogue showcasing some of their skills. Kind of a gift.. Hey, they're hams, too. And Colonel Hogan thought it was spot-on.
"How did the guards, Klink and Schultz feel about what really went on? Well, Schultz, he always said he saw nothing….But he knew enough…he hated the Nazi party. The guards didn't care. They were all glad they made it out alive…And Klink. He convinced himself he knew all along and he let it happen.
"Well, there you have it. A little glimpse into prison camp life.
"And hey. Make sure you call it Luft Stalag 13. The other Stalag 13? It was a huge complex located by another Hammelburg. That's another story. If Patton didn't get killed in that car crash, I'd tell you to ask him about it.
"And me? I'm happy to stay in the background. I've had enough of war and espionage. We all have. We were all just thrown into this situation and we all made the best of it.
"And yes, that's a wrap."
Buckles appeared in the episode, Hogan Goes Hollywood.
The actor, Roy Goldman, appeared in numerous episodes of HH. He was one of the residents of barracks two, and he even had a few lines now and then. He appeared in all 11 seasons of MASH...his character using his real name. Hey, that's a plot bunny...how did he get demoted and switched to the army medical corps? I assume he was a sergeant in HH.